Becoming Your Spouse's Better Half (5 page)

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Authors: Rick A Johnson

BOOK: Becoming Your Spouse's Better Half
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I know that most women probably think dressing up in costumes or little frilly negligees with heels is somewhat silly. But remember that men are very visual creatures. After all, they’re not attracted to look at sexy photographs because their hearing is so acute. The imagination is the greatest aphrodisiac, so a little role playing with costumes can really spice things up every once in a while.
Want to get his motor humming? Call him up at work and whisper naughty things to him. (Just make sure he’s not on a speakerphone.) Or sneak a risqué note in his lunch when he doesn’t expect it. He’ll probably be home early from work on those days, so you better have the kids over at a neighbor’s that afternoon.
God certainly recognizes the importance sex plays in a marriage relationship. This verse spells it out pretty plainly:
 
Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
1 Corinthians 7:3-5
 
 
This passage speaks frankly to the fact that married couples should have normal, healthy sexual relations—that depriving either partner of their natural rights in this area may be conducive to temptation or sexual immorality. Both husband and wife have conjugal privileges and exclusive possession of the other in this area. The biggest challenge for most men is to not say or do something stupid to make the wife mad after she reveals she will be “in the mood” that night.
When a woman looks at sex from her husband’s perspective and recognizes its importance to him, she can begin to use it as a tool to better their relationship.
His Needs
 
While sex is a powerful
physical
need for a man, it is much more than that. Sex also fulfills a powerful
emotional
need. Author Shaunti Feldhahn says, “Lack of sex is as emotionally serious to him as, say, his sudden silence would be to you, were he simply to stop communicating with you. It is just as wounding to him, just as much a legitimate grievance—and just as dangerous to your marriage.”
6
Sex for a man really is not optional, as many women believe. Feldhahn continues, “In a very deep way, your man often feels isolated and burdened by secret feelings of inadequacy. Making love with you assures him that you find him desirable, salves a deep sense of loneliness, and gives him the strength and well-being necessary to face the world with confidence. And, of course, sex also makes him feel loved—in fact, he can’t feel completely loved without it.”
7
While men psychologically, emotionally, and physically need regular sex, it is important to remember that a man would rather have less sex with a willing partner than more sex with a woman who considers it a “duty.” So, if you as the wife have the attitude of, “Okay, let’s get it over with,” he might not turn it down, but it will not be very satisfying to him. When you desire him physically, you have the power to salve many of the wounds this world inflicts upon him. A man who is desired by his wife meets the world with confidence and enthusiasm. One of a man’s most basic needs is to feel wanted physically by a woman. When a man feels that his wife desires him, it gives him a big boost of self-confidence.
Your husband needs you physically in order to feel loved as much as you need to be cherished and desired in order to feel loved. A woman who understands that this area of her marriage is not
just
a physical need for her husband, but is an essential need to his being a man, is treasured beyond measure.
Getting and Keeping His Attention
 
So how can a wife attract and keep her husband’s attention? Men like to chase—after all, they were hunters for thousands of years. To chase and catch a woman is enticing and exciting, and a man wants his woman to be receptive after she is caught. But sometimes if he’s disinterested, a wife can try too hard in this area.
If things are not heating up as often as you’d like, try something different, but don’t try so hard. If you’ve been doing everything you can think of short of attacking him, try a new tactic: tone it down a little. Being alluring is sometimes a better way to capture a man’s attention than an all-out attack. Some men are intimidated by a sexually aggressive woman. They feel it puts pressure on them to perform, and especially as they get older, pressure is not good. Try letting your husband have the thrill of the chase. Consider wearing something slightly enticing, letting him get a glimpse, then walking away as if you are way too busy to be interested in sex.
Things to Think About
 
A woman’s sexuality may be the most powerful influence she has going for her regarding her man. A woman’s strong persuasion in this area can help change, grow, and improve not only her man’s life but hers as well.
Unfortunately, a woman who has been sexually abused, especially by her father, often does not recognize this power. Or if she does, she often abuses it. This woman’s sexual development has been stunted or cruelly torn asunder by the one man who should have taught her to feel loved and protected by a man. Her innocence was stolen by a thief in the night.
Women who do not enjoy the sexual aspect of their femininity do not fully understand or appreciate the influence they have at their disposal. Some women use their sexuality as a weapon. Some are afraid of the power it gives them and run from it. Some have been damaged so badly in this area that they carry the wounds for a lifetime. For them, their sexuality is a burden, not a blessing.
The healthiest way for a woman to realize the potential of this gift from God is to have her needs for romance met. (See the chapter “Women’s Mood #1: Romantic.”) She is then able to use her influence in this area in a beneficial and life-giving manner.
 
Fearfully and Wonderfully Made
—Love the fact that God made him so different.
While women need romance, men don’t like or are uncomfortable with romance.
Men look at romance as a prelude to sex and often don’t understand a woman’s need for nonsexual affection.
When men are physically stimulated, it is difficult for them to focus on anything else.
A man wants to know his woman desires him physically.
Men need variety in this area.
 
Get inside His Head
Sex is more than just a physical need for a man.
A man cannot truly feel loved if he is not having his sexual needs satisfied.
Men think about sex often throughout the day.
 
Words Have Meaning
 
Words That Heal
“I have the best man in the whole world.”
“I respect you more than any man I’ve ever met.”
“You are a
good
man.”
“I want you—now!”
 
 
Words That Hurt
“I have a headache.”
“Not again. . . . There must be something wrong with you.”
“You just don’t turn me on.”
“Why can’t you be more like [fill in the blank]?”
Men’s Mode # 2
 
Work
 
Every Man’s Bane, Every Man’s Blessing
 
 
 
Not to be needed is slow death for a man.
John Gray
 
 
W
ork for a man is like talking for a woman. Work seems to be a core part of his essential being. He ties a great deal of his personal value to his work. A friend of mine says that work gives a man the same sense of pride and self-identity as motherhood does a woman. Work satisfies two basic needs in a man—the need to provide for his family and the need to protect his family. Many women think a man’s work is just a J-O-B, but it is much more than that. Work allows a man to direct his creative energies into productive outlets. It also fulfills physical, mental, psychological, and emotional needs. Work often defines a man’s sense of identity and gives him something he can be proud of. When a man says “I am a physician” or “I am a businessman” or “I am an ironworker,” that expresses part of who he is, not just what he does.
Obviously, tying occupation to self-identity can be an unhealthy thing, and if that’s the sole source of a man’s self-esteem, it can be disastrous. But notice that one of the first things a man asks another man is what he does for a living. That is an attempt to identify his spot on the masculine food chain and to understand something about the other guy. It immediately tells him a few things about the other man. For instance, if he is a mechanic or a construction worker, he is probably good with his hands; if he is a salesman, he has the gift of gab; if he is a lawyer, he is not to be trusted (just kidding); and if he is a doctor, he’s had a lot of schooling and probably makes a healthy income. Also, it often lets one man know the level of respect another man deserves. This can be accurate or misguided, but it serves that function nonetheless.
For instance, a friend of mine has a friend who hangs wallpaper. Upon first hearing, that doesn’t seem all that impressive. However, this guy installs huge murals and does complicated restorative work. In truth, he is one of those “if you have to ask, you can’t afford me” craftsmen. Wouldn’t it be nice if we didn’t allocate respect based on job title?
Men also tend to judge or at least filter other men by the amount of income they earn. In that regard, we as a culture tend to hold men who make a lot of money in higher regard than they probably deserve. (Of course, if I made a lot of money I might feel differently.)
Why Men Work
 
Most men feel compelled to work as part of their makeup. I have worked hard since the age of twelve. But for the past several years I have made a living by writing books and speaking around the country. I also direct our Better Dads ministry. Because I enjoy what I do so much, it does not feel like actual work. Roofing houses, laying asphalt, or hanging Sheetrock—now that’s work. What I do is fun. Consequently, sometimes I almost feel that I’m lazy or taking the easy way out. I find myself spending more hours working so that I don’t get accused (even by my own self) of slacking off. My wife thinks I spend too much time at my desk, but if I didn’t I might feel like I was not fulfilling my role to provide for my family.
It’s a bit complicated, but my point is I feel compelled to work even when I really do need to take some time off. I hate to think what a psychologist might say about that attitude. Nevertheless, many men feel that same drive to work.
Because of this compulsion for men to identify and validate themselves through their work (which women generally do not have), wives often misunderstand this drive in their husbands and view it as a negative character trait. Of course, some men do obsess about their work and are distracted at home, not fully engaged in their relationships. This is unhealthy and often is driven by internal wounds or feelings of inadequacy. They feel that if they can be successful and make enough money in their career, then it will somehow prove to themselves and others that they are worthy of respect. In their minds, that will make a woman love them more and lead to a good relationship. That perception is inaccurate and untrue but is how many men unconsciously process the interaction between work and their self-image.
Others consciously or even unconsciously spend more time at work than is healthy for their family. They often do this because work is easier than relationships. Work has boundaries and rules that are clearly defined and tell people when they succeed or fail. It is much easier than the ambiguous and more challenging duties of interacting with a family and having other relationships, which tend to be messier. Men get kudos all the time for their performance at work, but they seldom get a pat on the back for being a good husband, father, or friend. Additionally, if things are rough at home, the workplace can be a haven of peace for many men. They know how to be competent at their job, something they don’t always know how to be at home.
Men were meant to work—it’s part of their makeup. It is how God made them. Healthy men feel compelled to work—it’s almost as if they can’t help themselves. In fact, they have a burden to provide that always weighs on their shoulders. Men who work but who are unable to provide adequately are often very frustrated and angered by those circumstances. (Men who couldn’t provide for their families during the Great Depression often either killed themselves or ran away to live as hobos rather than face their failure in this area.) They may not always like their jobs, but they know working is one of their key roles in life and so they accept it.

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