Becoming Your Spouse's Better Half (4 page)

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Authors: Rick A Johnson

BOOK: Becoming Your Spouse's Better Half
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How Men View Sex
 
From a sexual perspective, men tend to view women as objects. That sounds horrible and is something that radical feminists have been using against men for years. But men have the capability to compartmentalize the areas of their lives, especially in the sexual arena. This ability to compartmentalize is why a man can have sex even if he’s been arguing with his wife.
In fact, many men feel sex actually solves the other problems of life. It is also one of the reasons why even good men who understand that the girls in pornography are victims are still able to look at them. We hear about men who are pillars of the community and should know better getting caught having flings with women who are not their wives or even with underage prostitutes.
Why would these men risk their families, careers, and even their lives engaging in these kinds of sexual peccadilloes? It is because they are able to separate those activities from other areas of their lives and so are more easily able to justify them in their minds. And as self-righteous or prideful as many of us would like to profess being about this topic, none of us men are immune to falling into this trap. It is something we must continually, even obsessively, be on guard about. Given the right time and circumstances, any man is prey to fall into sexual sin.
Every man struggles with lust, but it has nothing to do with his wife. It is an issue that a man struggles with inside himself. It is a battle between the factions of his soul. It is not due to anything his wife does or doesn’t do, the way she looks, how much she weighs, or how adept she is at satisfying him sexually. Understand that all men struggle with lust to one degree or another. Even men who are married to Victoria’s Secret models lust for other women. A man learns to control this impulse partly as a function of the amount of respect he has for a woman, but it still lurks in the background of his consciousness. It is unrealistic to think that a man will never struggle with this issue, regardless of how much he loves his wife.
Women often seem shocked when good men fall in this arena, but men know that they are weak and that the constant onslaught of sexually graphic images they are subjected to on a daily basis has the capability of wearing them down. Society’s casual approach to sexual morality has created a huge divot in the ability of both men and women to remain faithful to their wedding vows. It is estimated that 60 percent of men and 40 percent of women engage in extramarital affairs.
1
In about 41 percent of marriages, one or the other partner is unfaithful.
2
Most younger adults do not understand that our culture has changed dramatically in the past thirty years. Behaviors that were unthinkable just a few years ago are commonplace today. Easy access to Internet pornography and the sexualization of our society have lured many men and women into situations they would never have expected and have encouraged many others to loosen their moral compass. The steady erosion of personal values has opened the door to the slippery slope of cultural corrosion.
Men also tend to become less interested sexually in their wives after having children or seeing their wives give birth, as they view them as more maternal than sexual. And after years of marriage, sex can become routine and mechanical, causing men to seek that rush of adrenaline and excitement that was present during the “chase and conquer” phase of the relationship. The acceptability of provocative and revealing clothing, readily accessible pornography, and women eager to meet men under the cloak of anonymity on the Internet only exacerbate the struggle for men to remain sexually pure.
Higher levels of the hormone testosterone and its effects on the male body and psyche create a much higher sex drive in men than in women. God created men like this to perpetuate the species. If you only knew how difficult it is for a man to avert his eyes when he walks past a beautiful woman on the street, you’d appreciate him that much more.
I’m sure it’s not a surprise to you that men and women think about sex differently and have different needs in this area. It’s easy to acknowledge those differences in general. But couples who do not recognize that these differences apply to their
own
relationship or who bring their personal baggage into the relationship can find themselves stunned by what happens. Personal baggage might include anything ranging from childhood wounds, sexual abuse, or previous broken relationships to relationship preconceptions and role stereotypes from childhood. Dr. William Glasser describes this scenario:
In the beginning of a marriage, many partners, especially women, are fooled by sex into believing that the men love them more than they actually do. This is because for women, unlike men, sex is more genetically tied to their need for love than to their need to survive. A man with a strong survival need wants a lot of sex and, in the beginning, acts loving to get it.
But as the marriage continues, the woman usually sees through this act and realizes that the man loves sex as much or more than he loves her, and she becomes less interested in this hormonal, less loving act. As she loses interest, the man becomes more frustrated and demands more sex, which turns her off further, and the marriage deteriorates. . . .
A woman with a very strong need for love recognizes that her partner needs less love, and she is attracted, even challenged, by this difference. Driven by her strong need for love, she believes she will be able to love him so much that her love will bring out a latent need she is sure is there. Sometimes she succeeds, literally teaches him to love more. But in most cases, if she is too insistent and tries too hard, she fails.
3
 
For women, especially those with a powerful need to be loved, these differences in how men look at sex versus how women perceive it can be devastating.
Men think about sex all the time—even in the most inappropriate of places such as in church or at funerals. They can be stimulated by nothing—for no reason at all. They can become aroused purely as a physical function of their gender.
Just like women have a monthly cycle, men also have a cycle. The human male, because of sperm production and other factors, naturally desires sexual release about every forty-eight to seventy-two hours.
4
That’s every two to three days! (My wife accuses me of having made up this statistic.) One woman calls her husband “Mr. Predictable” because of his every third day “resurrection.”
Study your husband to determine his “cycle.” You’ll notice that generally the day after having had his sexual needs met, he will be calmer, nicer, and generally more able to pay attention to details. He also probably won’t be very attentive to you. But by the third day (or longer) he should start focusing more on you. He enjoys that focus, and part of the thrill of the hunt for a man is chasing you until he catches you. This is a normal pattern in a man to focus more on his wife as his need for physical fulfillment increases.
Our friend Brenda was mentoring a young married woman. One day the young woman came to her in tears, explaining that her husband only seemed to be interested in her
before
having sex and that after, he didn’t pay any attention to her. That behavior hurt her feelings and made her feel like she was being used. Because Brenda had been married for a while and was used to the ways of her husband, she gently explained to the distraught young wife that if she just looked at the situation in a different light, it would make all the difference in the world.
Brenda explained that by meeting her husband’s physical needs, she was filling his tank, so to speak. Once his needs were met, he was willing and able to go out and conquer the world. The truth is he was not capable of focusing on the details of life and work when preoccupied with sexual desire. That programming, with its urgent need, overrides all other operating systems. Brenda explained that men tend to refocus on details after getting their sexual needs met, and that when a wife meets her husband’s sexual needs, she helps him better face the world just as if she was providing him with food, love, or any other physical or emotional nourishment.
That advice sounds better coming from a woman than a man, but it doesn’t make it any less true. That being said, men must also recognize the need that women have to be held a little longer and be lingered over after romance is complete.
A newlywed youth pastor’s wife asked another pastor’s wife, who had been married for many years, for advice in being married to a pastor. The older woman mentored the younger woman by telling her that her main job as the wife of a pastor was to have sex with her husband. She explained it by saying that all of his other needs could be met by someone else, but having sex was the only need that couldn’t (and shouldn’t) be met by anyone else.
I about coughed my Coke through my nose when she told that story, but this is clearly a woman of wisdom and maturity. She understood that she plays a big role in fulfilling this most basic need of her husband. (Somehow, though, I doubt if that is taught in Ministry 101 classes at seminary school.)
With that in mind, what kinds of activities are appealing to a man in this area?
What Motivates Him
 
Let’s be open and honest in this section on sex. Unfortunately, my editor won’t let me go into graphic detail for fear that some elderly lady in a Christian bookstore in Cleghorn, Iowa, will be shocked into a dead faint. But I’ll at least give you a few perspectives from a male’s point of view on what makes for a fulfilling sex life. Understand that these are generalities and that not all men are the same. But I think these general guidelines will help any woman understand how to satisfy this area of her man’s life.
If you are newlyweds reading this book, or even young couples in your twenties, understand that you probably don’t need to know some of this stuff. Your husband has a constantly charged battery that keeps his motor humming and ready for action, so to speak. Unless he’s under a great amount of stress at work or in other areas of life, all you need to do is be available and he’ll be happy. For the rest of you, here goes.
First of all, recognize that men are very visual, so we are stimulated and excited by what we see. What excites us more than anything is seeing a woman’s body. That’s why pornography, nude magazines, and strip clubs are so popular. Contrary to what we might claim, we don’t buy
Penthouse
magazine for the jokes or interesting articles. Your womanly body is extremely exciting to your husband, and he wants to see it. That doesn’t mean you need to parade around naked all the time (although . . .), but a little suggestive glimpse every now and again rapidly raises a man’s blood pressure. In fact, oftentimes less is more. A flash of thigh or a quick glimpse down an open top are generally more invigorating than complete nudity. And even if you’re covered, the thought of what you might
not
be wearing is also very enticing.
However, because men spent thousands of years as hunters, their other senses, such as smell and sound, are highly attuned to stimulate them as well. The sounds of love making are very arousing to a man, so if you like something, let him know—maybe even loudly. If you’ve ever watched the movie
When Harry Met Sally
, you know that one of the more attention-attracting sounds in the universe for a guy is a female experiencing sexual pleasure.
Smells are an intoxicating spice to a male as well. Even boys fall under the spell of a woman’s perfume. In his book
The Greatest Thing Since Sliced Bread
, Don Robertson’s eight-year-old protagonist, Morris Bird III, describes his attractive teacher this way: “He smelled her perfume. It was always the same perfume, and it put him in mind of grass on a warm day after the rain. It was a very green smell, but in no way did it knock you down. Instead, it made your breath feel good, and Morris Bird III for one was never happier than when his breath felt good.”
5
But most of all, for a man, sex begins inside his head. A man’s mind and imagination drive his sexuality. A man usually doesn’t have affairs because of lust but because of boredom. That need for something different and exciting stimulates his sexual psyche. Doing the same thing sexually, the same way, the same time of day, in the same position can become very boring to a man over time. A little creativity in the bedroom (or any other room) goes a long way toward fulfilling this need in a man. The saying “variety is the spice of life” may well have been spoken first about sex.
Perhaps being created to procreate and populate the world fuels this masculine drive to mate in a variety of circumstances and with different people. I am not promoting promiscuity, but it does explain this craving in most men. Good men control that powerful drive because they realize doing so is in the best interest of their wives, their children, themselves, and society (not to mention being obedient to God’s law).
What is acceptable in the area of sexual relations between a husband and wife who are Christians? Sex isn’t something discussed very much in the average church (or even by your parents). I would say that anything that is mutually satisfactory and doesn’t cause emotional, psychological, or physical pain to a husband and wife is fair game in the bedroom, as long as it doesn’t cause either party to enter into sin. Obviously it cannot involve other people either physically or mentally (such as using pornography). Role playing, game playing, dress up, creative positions, and new locations all seem pretty harmless when performed between consenting spouses. It is one of the reasons why a hotel stay is usually pretty invigorating to a married couple’s sex drive. That spice of change and risk adds a certain element of adventure and even perception of danger to the act.

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