Becoming Your Spouse's Better Half (17 page)
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Authors: Rick A Johnson
BOOK: Becoming Your Spouse's Better Half
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Security
Part of a woman’s sense of security is feeling harmony and intimacy in her relationships. The Bible says, “Do not let the sun go down on your wrath” (Eph. 4:26 NKJV). In other words, don’t go to bed angry at each other. I wish I were mature enough and a strong enough leader in our relationship to always have followed that advice over the past three decades. Unfortunately, I’m just an average and all-too-human man who fails more than he succeeds. But I have learned that the longer you allow a grievance to grow, the more it intensifies and becomes increasingly difficult to resolve. Unresolved issues create a feeling of discontent and threaten a woman’s sense of security. Instead of a man focusing on what
he
needs, he should study her and determine how best to meet her needs.
he
needs, he should study her and determine how best to meet her needs.
Women value marriage. It provides extra income, help in raising children, emotional and sexual fulfillment, and someone to partner with and rely on through life’s hard times. However, many marriages, especially after children come along, can get dull. That spark of passion goes away. There may still be affection but no real passion. One way to bring passion back for both men and women is through romance. Romance creates anticipation and excitement. Intentionally thinking about ways to excite one’s partner and then following through with them often stirs the embers of complacency into a roaring fire of passion. Romance gives a woman a sense of security in her relationship.
Men typically feel compelled to provide materially what
they
think women need. Most men think that women want more cash, a bigger house, money in the bank, and a lot of possessions, because that is how most men determine their own success in life. Some women do want those things; however, a woman’s deepest needs are often more relational than monetary. For a man to have a strong, growing, intimate relationship with his wife often makes her feel more secure than a big paycheck coming in does. One of the ways a man can foster that kind of relationship is by being appreciative of her and of all the things she does to make life better.
they
think women need. Most men think that women want more cash, a bigger house, money in the bank, and a lot of possessions, because that is how most men determine their own success in life. Some women do want those things; however, a woman’s deepest needs are often more relational than monetary. For a man to have a strong, growing, intimate relationship with his wife often makes her feel more secure than a big paycheck coming in does. One of the ways a man can foster that kind of relationship is by being appreciative of her and of all the things she does to make life better.
A husband can encourage his wife by thanking her for providing a good home environment. A friend of mine says that he encourages his wife to spend whatever she wants to fix up two rooms in their home—the kitchen and the bedroom. It makes her feel comfortable, content, and happy to have these two particular rooms how she wants them. She says it’s like therapy for her, and since it costs about the same amount of money as going to a psychiatrist, it all evens out in the end.
One couple found themselves in a situation different from the stereotypical norm—he was a neat freak and she was somewhat . . . sloppy. She felt comfortable around clutter. They made a rather unique agreement to resolve this issue. She would minimize her clutter in the rooms he frequented most—the living room and the kitchen. The areas she spent the most time in—her office, the bathroom, and her car—could be as messy as she liked. This worked well for them, as she discovered she could control her clutter in two rooms, but she was overwhelmed to think about having to organize an entire home. As a gesture of appreciation, he frequently cleans up some of her areas. In fact, since their budget allows it, he hired a housekeeper to come in twice a month. It doesn’t cost that much to clean the main areas of the house, and it allows his need for cleanliness to be met and her need for some help to be satisfied. I know for a fact that his wife is happier and thankful for his consideration in solving this dilemma.
Men cannot go overboard and expect perfection from their wives, especially in areas that are not their strengths. If you feel the need to have the floor scrubbed twice a week, but your wife doesn’t share that need (or she works outside the home too), perhaps you need to bite the bullet and pay for it to be done, or (gasp) do it yourself.
Here’s another suggestion for your consideration. Make sure your wife has the tools she needs for the household. Let her buy the things she requires to make her home the way she wants it and to maintain it. I know men who complain about buying a new washer and dryer for their wives yet don’t bat an eye about buying a new bass boat for themselves. Dude, trust me, if you meet your wife’s needs, she will bend over backward to meet yours. It is truly difficult to out-love and out-give a satisfied woman.
Beyond that, a woman feels pride and a connection with her home that gives her a sense of purpose and even honor. Here’s how one woman rather uniquely described the phenomena of nesting and the feelings it evoked in her:
I remember studying Greek mythology when I was in women’s studies in college. I read about Hestia, the Keeper of the Hearth, and it really resonated with me. To be the woman who keeps the home fires burning for her family and spouse appeared to me to be a place of honor and worth in the family unit. To know the woman who creates and keeps a home that is inviting, comfortable, peaceful, and full of joy is to know someone who builds the principles of trust, integrity, and brotherly/familial love, as well as service. For me as a woman and a human being in our society, there seems to be no higher level of need and honor than the woman who is the “Keeper of the Hearth.”I remember writing a paper where I described my delight in housekeeping, as I get a thrill from making my home shine, both literally and figuratively. In fact, when I clean house it is a calming experience, as each object I move brings up the memory of who gave me the object, or who was with me when I bought the object, or what the purpose of the object was in my life. I find it meditative and often insightful as well.
While hers is a unique perspective on housecleaning, it does speak to the powerful need a woman has for a home to call her own.
Home and HearthA close friend of ours is approaching middle age and desperately wants two things—to own her own home and to have children. She has a strong need, even craving, for both. Some might say her biological clock is ticking . . . loudly!
For many women, this need for a place to call their own is rooted in their emotional and psychological need for friendship, companionship, and relationships. After all, for thousands of years women raised children as part of a community. They had other women to help them, mentor them, talk with them, and model behaviors such as relating to and loving a man, and being a wife and a mother. This causes women to want to create an environment they can share with others—a place where they can have community.
One woman expressed her feelings about her home by saying, “Making sure my home is comfortable and anyone who enters will feel welcome makes me feel good. I love having people over. I don’t feel the need to impress anyone; I just enjoy fellowship.”
Another woman felt that her home reflected on her as a person:
My husband tells me that he really likes when I have gettogethers at our house with family and friends because “our house is always so perfect!” I don’t always understand that statement. Don’t get me wrong—I keep a clean house, but most days I’m not worried if the lamp shade’s seam is facing a direction that could be seen by anyone entering the front living room. But something about having a perfect house for family and friends to “see” when they come over gives me this little glimmer of being a star! I am the one who is responsible for this perfect home. And even if the praise is directed at us as a whole, I feel good. When everything is in its place, clean and organized, my family feels secure and I feel secure.
This woman may have touched on an important issue—cleanliness of the home is important to the overall well-being of the family. My experience of being a manager at a manufacturing plant and serving in the military has convinced me that a clean and tidy environment promotes good morale, lowers the number of accidents, and gets better performance out of everyone than a sloppy, messy one does.
Whatever the reason, it is important for a husband to understand the value his wife places on having a secure and safe environment to call home. That need gets stronger as she has or prepares to have children. Security is fundamental in her ability to nurture her family. It is a rare woman who is capable of contentedly raising her family in unsettled circumstances (career military wives come to mind). Keeping this need in mind as decisions are made regarding job and logistical choices is instrumental in fulfilling this key mood for a woman. It’s a wise man who recognizes this and factors it in to his short- and long-range decision-making process.
Fearfully and Wonderfully Made
—Love the fact that God made her so different.
—Love the fact that God made her so different.
A woman needs a safe and solid place to feel grounded before she can experience security.A woman’s home probably means more to her than it does her husband.Strong, intimate relationships mean more to a woman than money.At least some of a woman’s self-image is tied into her home.Part of the reason a woman wants her own home is to fulfill the need for community in her life.
Get inside Her Head
If the house is messy, it is a reflection on me as a woman, wife, and mother.My home is what keeps our family grounded and to gether.If we take any kind of financial risk, we might jeopardize losing the house—that would be an absolute disaster!
Words Have MeaningWords That Heal“The mortgage is the most important bill we have to pay every month—I make it a priority to pay on time to make you feel secure and safe.”“The house is yours to do with what you will.”“Sure, you can have as many people over as you want.”“I will never leave you—you are my wife for as long as we live.”Words That Hurt“Why do you overspend your budget every month?”“I’m sick of the house being a pigsty all the time.”“You are just like your mother.”“Bob’s wife keeps an immaculate house, cooks great meals, and always looks great besides.”
Women’s Mood
# 3
# 3
Playful
What Are Little Girls Made Of?
Even Nature is observed to have her playful moods or aspects, of which man sometimes seems to be the sport.
Henry David Thoreau
M
uch like all men retain within themselves a part of a little boy, women also have a little girl deep inside them that needs to surface occasionally. This portion of a woman’s personality might express itself in playfulness but might also feel vulnerable, feel fragile, and have a need to lean on her husband. In this mood she doesn’t need romance but instead might need to pour out her thoughts, be listened to, or derive some soothing comfort from her husband. Similarly, at times a little boy might be hurt and worried and need nurturing, and other times he might just want to play down the street with the other boys.
uch like all men retain within themselves a part of a little boy, women also have a little girl deep inside them that needs to surface occasionally. This portion of a woman’s personality might express itself in playfulness but might also feel vulnerable, feel fragile, and have a need to lean on her husband. In this mood she doesn’t need romance but instead might need to pour out her thoughts, be listened to, or derive some soothing comfort from her husband. Similarly, at times a little boy might be hurt and worried and need nurturing, and other times he might just want to play down the street with the other boys.
Let’s look at some of the facets of this mood that indicate your wife may have needs to be met.
Flirtatious and PlayfulOne way a woman expresses herself in this mood is to get girlish and playful. (But if a woman’s need for security has not been met, she will have a hard time enjoying this playful facet of her personality.) In this mood she may want to act like a little girl and play in the flowers—so let her. She might be flirtatious, play music, sing, dance, or spin in a circle so that her dress twirls around her. In this mood my wife gets slightly giddy, but she needs to trust that I will not call her silly or needy. One woman said, “Tickle me, pursue me, hold me while we talk. Reassure me that you are my best friend, my protector and provider. Let me know that I am your special someone. Spoil me, entertain me, fix something for me that is broken. Let me be weaker than you. Tease me tenderly, sensitively. Let me expose the little girl hidden within, and be my hero.”
My wife likes to flirt with me when we are in the middle of a business or ministry meeting. In fact, it seems the more formal and reserved the occasion, the more she likes to flirt. I find it a bit distracting and even awkward but try not to let my annoyance show. I’m trying to focus on an objective while she is trying to connect and develop intimacy with me, which puts us at a crossroads with each other.
Men tend to think more analytically than women, who, as we’ve discussed, often process information more holistically, if not emotionally as well. My focusing on her, even in the midst of serious discussions, means to her that I love her. It satisfies any insecurities or nervousness she may be feeling at the time. She likes to be reassured that I find her beautiful, captivating, attractive, and desirable. She wants to know if I really believe that, and if so, that I will act as if I do. Then she will respond with confidence and be generous with her love and in her actions toward me. She won’t feel as if she needs to be guarded, that her “mushy” love directed at me goes unappreciated and unwanted. She knows I am busy but wants me to find a moment here and there to just appreciate her.
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