Becoming Your Spouse's Better Half (15 page)

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Authors: Rick A Johnson

BOOK: Becoming Your Spouse's Better Half
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The following moods are needs that most women have. If a man can understand these needs, recognize when they should be met in his wife’s life, and focus on being a servant leader of his home, it makes life a whole lot easier and more rewarding. Hopefully these chapters will give men some insights and the education they need in order to answer the age-old question, “What do women want?”
Women’s Mood
# 1
 
Romantic
 
Romancing the Home
 
 
 
She walks in beauty, like the night.
Lord Byron
 
 
W
omen love romance. A candlelit dinner, followed by a leisurely walk on the beach while holding hands under the moonlight, is heaven for most women. A luxuriously long bubble bath surrounded with scented candles, followed by a foot massage and a serving of strawberries and chocolate, is just the thing that women crave. Romance is necessary to a woman’s emotional health, much like food is to physical health.
Romance is a key factor in having an enjoyable sex life. Women are physically stimulated through romance because it meets their key needs of feeling cherished and loved. Women find sensual attraction and fulfillment through touch, taste, feelings, imagination, lingering conversation, eye contact, and time spent together. Whereas men can be stimulated merely by glimpsing a female body part (or even thinking about one), women need the entire package to arouse their passions. To be romanced is to feel special and valued. It makes a woman feel loved and attractive.
The operative word here is
feel
. Women think emotionally, not logically. And most question their beauty and whether they are truly wanted or not. Nearly all women derive at least some self-esteem or self-value from being desired and wanted by a man. If a man understands her need in this area, he can help her open and bloom like a dew-covered rose in the warm morning sun.
Many women find nonsexual affection such as snuggling, holding hands, or going for walks to be romantic. For other women, just talking with their man is romantic. This kind of interaction develops intimacy with a woman’s mate that is essential for her to respond sexually. One woman told me, “Romance means acts of kindness, thoughtfulness, giving me his full attention, and speaking affirming words to me about what I do as a wife, mom, friend, and writer.”
Women need an atmosphere where they feel loved without there being an agenda (such as sex). For women, romance may include sex, but it doesn’t have to for a situation to be romantic and fulfilling. Another woman said it this way: “I feel less romantic if I feel it is about him getting what he wants and less about him just loving me.” Men often look at romance as a means to an end—sex.
But romance is more than just about having or getting sex. Romance serves the purpose of elevating a woman’s self-esteem and personal value. When the man in her life exhibits behaviors that make her feel special and wanted by him, she is programmed to respond with affection. Unfortunately, many women get their self-esteem solely from the men in their lives, which gives men too much power to damage their self-esteem. It also puts women (and men) in a no-win situation, as the men are doomed to fail or even abuse this power.
Women and Romance
 
I find my wife, and most women I’ve ever met, to be fascinating creatures. Yet they are perplexingly complicated and more often than not very confusing to my more linear, masculine way of thinking.
For instance, my wife generally takes a very convoluted route, meandering down various rabbit trails and exploring an assortment of sidebars, before arriving at the point she wants to make during a conversation. My conversation style is more direct and to the point, without any excess baggage. After all, the shortest route between two points is a straight line. If my wife’s conversation style is rambling, then mine is more “as the crow flies.”
To some degree, that is how women and men view romance as well. Women like to luxuriate in the sensuous feelings of being pampered, receiving presents, being attended to, hearing sweet nothings, and being touched for long periods of time. A man’s view of romance is more linear and straight to the point. Men view romance as a prelude to sex. Romance for a woman serves to make her feel honored, cherished, and loved. One of my wife’s friends said:
As a woman, I need to feel special and appreciated. What would make me feel this way? Give me quality time and conversation that involves active listening. Tell me why I’m special and let me see it in your eyes. Let me feel it in the softness of your touch. A special place to dine, a meaningful gift on special occasions or no occasion at all will reinforce the romance. A smile from across a busy, people-filled room or a wink . . . just to let me know that you see me and you want me to know I stand out in a crowd, that I’m special to you.
 
Our daughter is now twenty years old. She recently stopped dating a young man she had been seeing for several years, and young men suddenly came out of the woodwork to ask her out on dates. She found herself being wined and dined at romantic venues every night, and the local flower shop started making regular early morning stops at our house to deliver large bouquets of roses. I explained to her that she is now dating men, not boys. That is how she should expect to be treated by men. A man romances a woman for the pleasure of her company, for the privilege of having her grace and beauty on his arm.
Our daughter is giddy and flush with the excitement of being romanced by a number of eager young men. I, meanwhile, am splitting my time between keeping a steady eye and firm countenance on the young male suitors panting around my daughter and trying to make my wife feel special so that she does not feel neglected in the midst of all the attention her daughter is receiving. Unfortunately, I lack the manic ingenuity and the disposable income of a young man in the throes of pursuit.
Sex
 
Many women are unable to separate sex from the context of their daily lives and relationships. That might sound strange to us men, but know that if you have been arguing with your wife or if the kids are sick, she is not likely to be in the mood for sex. While men use sex to heal the problems of life, women are just the opposite. In fact, many women report that if the house is messy or the dishes are dirty, they are unable to relax and concentrate on having sexual relations.
Women have a 360-degree view of life—they are much more connected to their environment than men are. Their approach is more holistic. Their physical, mental, and emotional lives are interconnected and tied together. While men can compartmentalize the different areas of their lives (that is, put each subject into a box and not think about it until they want to), women look at the entire picture instead of just its individual components. Unresolved issues, be they relational or environmental, nag at their minds even when they try to forget them. Because of the way they are wired, women cannot just forget about problems for short periods of time like men can, and these problems often make it physically impossible for a woman to enjoy sex.
One woman described her feelings like this:
If I step back and think about this, I find that more times than not, I fall into “the mood” when things feel “perfect” at home. If things are stressful, unorganized, or chaotic, the last thing I want is to touch or be touched. My surroundings generally put me in the “nesting” mood or the “cycle” mood. But when things are just right . . . I’m romantic. I want to come home, put a little extra lip gloss on, light the candles, make my man his favorite dinner, and go to bed early so we can just be together. I generally feel all mushy inside and most of all content, which seems to fuel my romantic mood.
 
We men must remember that it takes much more physical contact for our wives to become aroused than it does us. Because their skin is more sensitive, most women find being touched and stroked erotic. A woman I’ll call Jessica explained it this way:
I just love it when my husband strokes me when we are just hanging around together. I always tell him he has great hands. A gentle and unhurried rubbing, brushing, stroking brings me goose bumps and immediately relaxes me. (Maybe that’s why I love cats. They just come near and rub and purr). This is definitely romance to me. It is not a quick touch but says to me, “I like being next to you. You feel good to me. I like being here and doing this.” It isn’t the same as sex, but it sure can take me there if he does it when we’re lying in bed! I guess sex has more to do with hunger for me. It says he’s hungry for me (or I am for him). But stroking says he enjoys me and my company. He wants to hang around and be where he is. He wants to stay a while. Words aren’t necessary to tell me he’s happy where he is and he’s enjoying being with me.
 
Here’s the deal, guys—a man can resolve problems in his relationship by having sex, but a woman can’t have sex until the problem is resolved. What a quandary! From my perspective, that means if men want to have sex, they need to be the ones to initiate resolving the problems in the relationship. I hate that part. But since I do like the sex part, I need to step up like a man and initiate talking about the issue in order to resolve it.
Yes, I did say talk about the issue. I don’t care for that solution any better than you do, but it seems logical to me that if we want the end result (sex), we need to be willing to take the steps necessary to facilitate that conclusion. And since women process problems by discussing them, we need to talk out our disagreements if we want the benefits. It’s similar to getting the sugar cube after taking your medicine.
Also, if a man feeds a woman in the other “mood” areas of this book, romance and sex will naturally follow. When your wife feels beautiful in your eyes, she is more likely to be sexually responsive. That means her husband must be alert for frequent opportunities to compliment her physical appearance so that she feels wanted and treasured.
Additionally, if a man is acting like a man, her responsiveness will be a natural by-product. Being an authentically masculine man means lifting her up and meeting her needs in such a way that she is able to achieve her maximum potential in everything God designed her for and planned for her life.
Meeting Her Needs
 
For most guys, it’s a whole lot easier to be successful in their career than it is in their marriage. But when I stop and think about it, it’s often much easier to make my wife happy than I realize. For instance, one thing that really disturbs me is when she calls me at work and starts asking me questions. I know she wants something, and it feels like she’s trying to manipulate me. I want to say, “State your business and move on—I’m busy!” Of course if I don’t go through the whole “twenty questions” game, she gets hurt feelings and somehow I appear insensitive. But the skills her phone call and questions disrupt (my ability to concentrate, organize, think concisely, attack projects to completion) are the very things that give me the ability to function well at work. And of course she always calls right when I am in the middle of something important or when I am in “the zone” while writing. Nevertheless, I have come to understand that this phone call is her way of connecting with me throughout the day.
For instance, the conversation might go something like this:
“Hello,” I say into the phone.
“Hi, honey.”
“Hi.” Pause. “What do you need?”
“Oh, nothing. I just wanted to see how you were doing.” Pause. “How
are
you doing?”
“I’m fine.”
“What are you doing?”
“Well, I’m trying to finish this budget allocation for our marketing plan for next year. Then I have to get our quarterly payroll taxes sent out. After that I have an important staff meeting about the Texas campaign we’re designing.”
“Oh. So you’re busy.”
“Yes. Very.”
“Oh. Well, you know Joannie? Remember the one with the little girl who has chicken pox? Well, she told me . . .”
And so it goes as I impatiently listen to a long, involved story about Joannie and her third cousin’s boss’s secretary who was dumped by her boyfriend or some such fascinating intrigue, so that I can finish and go back to concentrating on my work.
Especially if your wife is around small children all day, she needs to connect with you during the day to maintain her emotional balance and perhaps even her sanity. I have learned to make an effort to be patient and give Suzanne the attention and nurturing she needs in order to feel loved and cherished. It shows her that I care about her.
This need to be cared for as part of the romance package appears essential to a woman being able to respond to a man sexually. This type of woman says, “Being cared for fits into the romantic mood for me. There is nothing like a foot rub or massage or having a man wash my hair (like in the movie
Out of Africa
) to make me feel romantic and cared for. Also, having a partner who shares the work of supporting a family and home tends to make me feel playful and romantic at the same time.”

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