Before Hadley (21 page)

“I bet he’s not one to give up.”

She scoffed, turning again and heading away from me.

“Hey, Hadley.”

I wasn’t sure she’d stop. I thought it was the moment she walked out of my life for good. But she did stop, under the blue security light, glancing back over her shoulder.

“Even if I have to walk ten paces behind you, there’s no way in hell I’m not walking you home.”

She stared back at me, the blue glow emanating around her. I wasn’t sure what she was thinking. But I prayed it wasn’t the last thing I’d get to say to her. Without warning, her lips slipped into a small smile. “Make it twenty.”

I nodded as a shred of hope filled in a small space in the hole in my heart. “Will do.”

And I did. I followed her to her place, waiting until she stepped safely inside her building before taking off across campus and slipping back into Vik’s room.

Hadley

I walked across campus in the same daze I’d been in since meeting up with Conner the previous night. I thought speaking to him would’ve made me feel better. Given me closure. Stopped me from being sidetracked by thoughts of him and memories of us together throughout the day.

It hadn’t.

It only made me think about him more. The touch of his hands on my shoulders. The way he looked me in the eyes like what I said meant everything to him. The way he spoke with that same possessiveness over me he once had. The way he followed me home to be sure I was safe.

Damn him.

The truth was I wanted the person I thought he was. The guy who’d done thoughtful things for me. Who’d uttered sweet things in my ear. Who’d made me feel things I’d never felt before. I’d given myself to someone who didn’t exist. Someone who never existed. And that was one of the hardest things I’d had to come to grips with.

Jake left messages, but I’d been too afraid to return his calls. In all honesty, I didn’t know what to say. Telling him I couldn’t shake my past wouldn’t have gone over well. But Conner’s words had been so sincere. So heartfelt. So honest. And while part of me hated myself for wanting to believe the liar, the other part felt there had to be some truth to his words. He’d shown up the day he’d been released from prison and had yet to disappear again. That had to say something.

But how could I be sure? How could I allow myself to believe him?

I returned to my room after dinner, walking straight to my closet and standing there, not moving, not thinking, mentally willing myself to walk away. Walk far away. But I couldn’t. I knew what I needed to do. I knew what would help me understand. What would help me determine what was the truth. What would give me closure. What would put an end to it all.

It’s what I should’ve done—should’ve had the strength to do—when they arrived.

I knelt down, pulling the bottom shoe box out from under the stack of boxes. I walked over to my bed with my heart racing and my hands shaking. I sat down, pausing to take a breath before lifting the cover. Over a hundred unopened envelopes filled the box.

I’d held off doing it. I’d held off opening a single one. They’d been delivered to my parents’ house and my mother had kept them. I couldn’t understand why she’d kept them. I couldn’t understand why she hadn’t burned the damn things knowing who they’d come from. Knowing the pain, humiliation, and heartache he’d caused her daughter. Yet, there they sat. All in one place. All in order. She stored the box in my closet, and for some reason—call it curiosity, call it stupidity, call it finally being ready to get rid of them once and for all—I’d grabbed them on my way back to school. And now, after he’d thrust his way back into my world, after he’d made his presence loud and clear, I considered reading them.

But could anything good come from reading his words? Hearing his excuses? Allowing him back into my head? What closure could I gain from written words that the actual person couldn’t give me?

I pulled the first envelope out of the box, noting the postmark stamped a week after he’d been arrested. I stared at the right slant of his handwriting. The block lettering he used to write my name. The return address. I found it difficult not to envision the old concrete building I passed by on the highway. The one where he’d lived behind bars for three years. I flipped over the envelope, noting it was still sealed.

I can do this
.

I slipped my finger under the flap and tore open the envelope. I could see the folded white-lined paper inside.

A shudder rushed through me.

Before talking myself out of it, I yanked out the paper and unfolded it, reading what he’d assumed I’d read three years before.

Hadley,

I’m so sorry. I can’t write it enough times to convey how much I mean it. I’m sorry this happened. I’m sorry you believed in me. I’m sorry I hurt you. But you must know, none of this was about you. You didn’t cause this. You didn’t make me do this. You didn’t know I was capable of this. And you shouldn’t have known. I was groomed to be a thief since the moment my mother died and my father convinced me he needed cash to pay for doctors’ bills. I had no choice. He controlled everything I did. Where I lived. Who I stole from. When I up and left a town. The only thing he didn’t control were my feelings for you. Those were mine. Those were real. And as much as you believe it wasn’t real between us, it was. All of it. The more time we spent together, the more I cared about you. The more I wanted to be around you. The more I wanted your goodness to wear off on me.

But while I may have been falling for you, I still wanted to push you away. No, I needed to push you away. Not because of you, but because I knew it was just a matter of time before I hurt you by leaving. I never imagined my father would make me steal from you. Never imagined everything would end the way it did. Before you, Hadley, I didn’t see a future of my own. I know to someone like you that might not seem like much because you have such a bright future ahead of you, but to someone like me, someone who had no shot at his own future, seeing one was monumental. And that scared the hell out of me. Because at times, I actually believed it could happen. Believed it could happen with you.

But then there were times that I knew I was fooling myself because there was no way in hell it could happen. No way in hell I could pull you into my life. It had heartache written all over it and you deserved better. I’m not happy how things ended between us, but I’m happy things ended. Happy Caynan could be out of your life. Happy you could be free of the duplicity he brought into your life. Happy the lies would stop. So I guess what I’m trying to say is thank you. Thank you for turning him in. Thank you for putting a stop to his terrible existence.

I can serve three years of my life if it means when I get out, I can start over. And when I say start over, I mean start over with you. I will prove to you that I can be the guy you need me to be. The guy who wants nothing more than to introduce himself—his real self—to you. A guy who wants to spend time with you. A guy who wants to get to know you again. A guy who wants to kiss you every morning for the rest of your life. Believe me, Hadley. Believe the truth and forgive me.

Yours,

Conner Cartwright

AKA Caynan, Micha, Steven, Allister…to name a few    

I dropped the letter to my lap and heaved a breath. Would the letter have been enough for me to forgive him three years before? Would I have been convinced by his apology? Would I have been convinced by his desperation to prove himself worthy of me? Would I have caved?

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

Conner

I trudged through the work site, lifting one two-by-four after another and depositing them into piles, sending up clouds of dust from the dirt-covered ground. Construction work was no joke, and though it kicked my ass, I smiled as I did the jobs no one else wanted to do. It meant I was getting my life back on track. I also didn’t need a gym when the job required me to lift heavy lumber and equipment. And if I ever wanted to see a baseball field again, I needed to stay in shape.

Besides working my ass off, Vik had dragged me to some of her classes, introducing me to her professors in hopes they’d let me audit their classes. That way when I enrolled part time during second semester, I’d already be ahead of the rest. I could obviously use all the help I could get. Moving around when I was younger wasn’t easy. I left one school in the middle of a unit and got to the next where I was expected to have already learned it. It sucked. And my education suffered.

After work, I met Vik down at the school’s sports facility. Her new gig at the field house gave her access to the indoor batting cage. She got me in most nights right before closing when the area was deserted so I could get in some swings. Since I hadn’t swung in three years, hitting a ball had never felt more invigorating.

“Did you see her today?” Vik asked from behind the backstop as I pounded away at the balls shooting out of the batting machine.

“Nah. I think I need to give her some space.”

“Is it wrong to hate her?”

I glanced over my shoulder before the next pitch came. “Hate her?”

“Yeah. The girl’s got you wrapped around her little finger and has the nerve not to forgive you. How long does she plan to wait?”

I laughed to myself as I blasted a ball deep into the far net. “I hurt her. I didn’t expect it to be easy. Besides, she’s always played hard to get. Didn’t I tell you how long it took for her to agree to go out with me when we met?”

“I get that. But when will you reach a point that it’s just not worth it anymore?”

The balls stopped coming and I turned to look at Vik through the metal fence. “I don’t know.”

She leveled me with her eyes. “Well, if she doesn’t forgive you soon, she’s gonna have to deal with me.”

I smiled at this tiny girl who’d known me for such a short time and was still willing to go to bat for me. “Thanks.”

Hadley

Tears ran down my cheeks and letters surrounded me on the floor of my room. It was a bad scene. Thankfully, Lorelei had just left me to do my thing. There really wasn’t much she could have done to stop the madness anyhow.

…I like dogs. Did I ever tell you that? We’ve got one in here. I get to help train it to be a service dog. The dog’s awesome to have around. Her name’s Sheba. When I get out of here, I think we should get one...

I knew the moment I’d done it. The moment I’d picked up the second letter that I shouldn’t have.

…I want a big family. Like a huge one since I didn’t have one. My place was always so quiet and depressing, so I want a home that’s loud and full of life…

The second letter just led to a third and a fourth.  Then I couldn’t stop.

…I like living in the south. The warm weather always seems to make people happier. Have you ever noticed that? Like when it’s cold and dreary people all seem angry. But when the sun’s shining, people are all laughing and having fun. In case it’s a deal breaker for you, I can deal with the cold, too. I’ve spent plenty of time up north and can chill in the snow with the best of them. So, I guess what I’m saying is I’m willing to move wherever your art takes us…

It had been a week since I’d seen Conner. A week since I’d read the first letter. I wondered if he’d purposely been off the radar. Purposely left me alone. Or if I’d just gotten good at avoiding him knowing it was better for both of us.

…Oh, here’s an interesting fact. I don’t know how to ride a bike. Did I ever tell you that? I was never taught. Go figure. Maybe you can teach me. I can just see it. You running down the street behind me until you let go of the bike and yell, “You’re doing it.” I’m almost laughing at the vision in my head right now…

With every word, Conner made sure I remained part of his life. Part of his heart. Part of him. He’d spent the last three years making sure I didn’t miss a moment. Made sure I was very much present in his thoughts. In what he did. In what he was trying to accomplish on the inside. In what he had planned for the future. I, on the other hand, had shut him out, ensuring he stayed far from my thoughts. Far from my memories. Far from my heart.

At least I tried to.

I grabbed my phone and hit send, lifting it to my ear. I didn’t wait for a hello. “Why’d you do it?”

“Do what?” my mother asked.

“Save the letters?”

There was a long pause. I wondered if she could hear the slight quiver in my voice or sense my tears. “I take it you read them?”

“You could say that.”

She sighed. “Hadley, everyone roots for the underdog.”

I wiped at my wet cheeks with the back of my hand.

“When the first one arrived, I wanted to burn it,” she explained. “He’d hurt my baby. And no one hurts my girl. But then I figured it was better to let you decide. Since you wouldn’t talk about him, I tucked it away. But then the next one arrived and then the next. I realized you may have given up on him, but he wasn’t giving up on you. I liked that about him. I liked that he was willing to fight for you. I also knew with time, your pain would ease and then you could decide what to do with the letters.”

“Dad would kill you if he knew you kept them.”

She snickered. “I’m not scared of him. Are you going to tell me what they said?”

“He talks about his past. And being in prison. And he apologized. A lot.”

“He had a lot to apologize for. But Hadley, he didn’t miss a week. Not once.”

My eyes drifted to the window, the darkness outside reminding me of the dark hole I’d been in after his betrayal—after realizing everything had been a lie. But now, the lines had blurred. “Sounds like you want me to forgive him.”

“You’ve just become so guarded—more like your father, questioning everything and everyone. I just want you to be able to trust again. If that means you forgive him, then yes, I want you to forgive him.”

“It’s not that easy.”

“Most things in life aren’t.” She paused. “Just know. No one will judge you if you do.”

I didn’t even try to disguise my doubt. “Not even dad?”

“It’s your life. Your decision. And, honey, he didn’t kill anyone. He made a mistake. Don’t let that define him.”

I scoffed, wondering if she would’ve been giving me the same advice had she known he showed up on campus.

A knock on the door sent me scrambling to my feet. “I gotta go,” I said, disconnecting the call without even waiting for her response. I scooped up the letters and shoved them along with the box under my bed. I blotted my face with my sleeve, ridding my cheeks of the tear stains—or at least trying to, then approached the door cautiously. “Who is it?” I held my breath, knowing I wasn’t ready to face Conner yet. Not with so much indecision running through me.

“Jake.”

I let out a slow breath. Jake I could handle. Since he’d been scrimmaging schools up north for the past week, it had given me the time I needed to clear my head. Until I’d confused myself even more by reading the letters. Though he’d called, I hadn’t spoken to him. I found it easier to text. That way I could keep my responses brief and clear of the topic of Conner.

My time was clearly up.

I pulled open my door. Jake stood there, his hair damp from a shower. “Hi.”

He didn’t smile. “You haven’t returned my calls.” His eyes ventured over my shoulder, as if expecting me to have company.

“I’m sorry. I’ve just had a lot going on.”

“Yeah. I figured. Can I come in?”

I stepped away from the door and he brushed by me.

His eyes jumped around my room. So did mine, hoping I’d hidden all the letters. That’s all I needed him to see. He dropped down onto my bed, his elbows resting on his knees. “I’d like you to get dressed.”

I looked down at my sweats and T-shirt. “What?”

“I wanna take you out.”

“I’m not really—”

“I’ve been patient, Hadley. I want to take my girl out. And I want her to
want
to go out with me. Want to be with me. You’ve been avoiding me and I feel like if we have this conversation here, I might not handle it well.”

I stared down at him, not really knowing what to say. Did he think I planned to break up with him? Did he think I’d reached some clarity over the past week? I wanted to explain myself. Explain my confusion. Explain the mental torment I’d been enduring with the letters. So I did what I thought was right. I agreed to go.

* * *

The bar was packed for a Wednesday night, with loads of familiar faces filling the room. Jake chose a corner table, away from all the eyes of his fans. I scanned the room over his shoulder, finding it difficult to meet his eyes. He ordered us two beers and then looked at me, making sure I was looking at him before he spoke. “Tell me what happened?”

“What happened?”

“Come on, Hadley. You’re not a stupid girl. What happened with the guy?”

“You mean the other night or three years ago?”

He took a deep breath, exhaling it slowly. “Start from the beginning.”

I did. I explained everything. It wasn’t easy to revisit the humiliation, but I did it. And Jake listened. He nodded. He showed anger. He showed compassion.

“So, now he wants forgiveness,” I explained.

“Forgiveness? You sure that’s all he wants? I saw the texts.”

I shook my head, feeling guilty I’d read the letters. Guilty they made me feel. Guilty I was unsure how I felt about anything anymore. I’d spent three years believing I knew the truth. Believing Conner was a calculating villain who’d preyed on me. But the letters shot all that to hell. Because, in reality, he’d fallen for me and we’d become unfortunate victims of circumstance. “He wants me back.”

“No kidding. He had an awesome girl and blew it.”

I exhaled my frustration. “I know this sucks. It’s why I didn’t want to involve you. It’s why I never talked about it. But then he showed up and everything got so confusing.”

“Confusing? He hurt you, Hadley. Purposely. Seems pretty cut and dry to me.”

I cringed as the words left my mouth. “He wrote letters.”

His face scrunched in disgust. “What kind of letters?”

“The kind he sent while he was away.”

“He wasn’t away, Hadley,” he reminded me, his voice cold and harsh. “He was in prison. Are you forgetting that?”

“Forgetting? How could I forget? I live with it every day. He tried to steal from my parents. He used me. He broke my heart. Of course I remember.”

“Do you still have the letters?”

I nodded. “I didn’t open them until recently. I thought I’d closed that chapter of my life a long time ago.”

“So?”

I sighed, feeling so defeated. “So what?”

“Are they enough?”

“Enough?”

His lips tightened into a straight line, his frustration with me very much evident. “Enough to win you back.”

I cocked my head. “I’m with you.”

His head shook from side to side. “No you’re not. As much as I want you to be with me, you have to want it too. And I think we can both admit, I’m the only one invested here.”

An overzealous crowd walked through the door, snatching my attention away from Jake. The little pixie from the cafeteria led the way. A knot jumped to my throat as I watched closely as guys and girls followed her in. My heart stuttered when the last one stepped through the door. Conner.

Shit
.

My eyes flashed back to Jake.

“See, even in a crowded bar I can’t keep your attention for a few minutes at a time. It’s like you’re always somewhere else.”

How could I disagree with him? How could I argue the truth? “I know I haven’t been fair to you. But I’ve never lied to you.”

“Oh, that’s reassuring.” Sarcasm laced his tone.

“I just mean, you’re the one who started this.”

“So this is my fault?”

My eyes drifted away, feeling like complete shit now that he’d called me out. I watched as Conner’s eyes scanned the bar, making a slow sweep over the room as if searching for someone. His head jolted back when his eyes collided with mine. A sad smile conveyed his hello. I mirrored it with my own before my eyes focused back on Jake. “No. It’s not your fault.”

In a perfect world I wouldn’t have been there. With my head feeling like it had been shoved in a blender and spit back out. With my heart being pulled in two completely different directions. With my present across the table begging me to give him my all and my past across the room inciting me with his mere presence—not to mention his words swirling around inside my head.