Behind the Facade (28 page)

He looked at her and his heart faltered in his
chest. How was it that she could still affect him like this? It occurred to
him, with something like dismay, that time had not diminished his feelings for her.
They had remained there all along.
In stasis but still there,
like water behind a dam.
And now the dam was breaking.

“OK,” he agreed slowly, “just for a while though.
Just to give you some kind of explanation.”

He reluctantly led them both back to the canteen. It
was deserted. Everyone else was long gone. Timmy recognised that they needed
some time to themselves. He retrieved his bag from where it had been stored and
occupied himself with his handheld game console.

Kate procured two coffees from the vending machine.
She felt strange and unreal. She sat down at a table but couldn’t bring herself
to look at him. She was certain that if she did so, he would disappear like a
figment of her imagination.

Sean
wanted
to disappear. He was agitated.
Why hadn’t he just left while he could? He didn’t sit but paced around like a
nervous animal.

He eventually spoke “
Kate
..look
..”

She raised her head and gazed at him, a part of her
still unable to believe what she was seeing. “Why did you let me believe you
were dead?” she whispered, her voice filled with reproach.

“I thought it was for the best. God knows how I
managed to get out of that place. As it was, I was in hospital for months and,
physically, they say I’ll never make a complete recovery.” He looked at her.
Christ. Now he knew it wasn’t only his body that had never recovered.

“All I could think of, all that
time,
was you.” He gazed at her wrenchingly. “I hurt you so much Kate. I decided I
deserved some pain. I needed to let you get on with your life. I should never
have been a part of your life in the first place.”

“But you were a part of it! And you can’t turn back
time
and erase that. I understood, later, why you had to do
everything you did. I know now that you only meant to punish those who had hurt
your sister. I may have blamed you once, but I don’t blame you now.”

He sat down opposite her.
“Oh
Kate.
But I am to blame. I should have let you go from the beginning.
Then, as soon as I met you again, I should have made sure I never saw you
again. What did I do instead? I began a relationship with you! I …” his face
twisted in anguish.

Kate opened her mouth to say something. He raised a
hand. “No! Don’t say that you were partly responsible.
That
you encouraged me.
You were ignorant.”

He ran his hand through his hair now, in an achingly
familiar gesture. “I deceived you! I deceived myself. I was carried away by my
own infatuation. From the very first moment I saw you, I wanted you.” Kate’s
eyes widened slightly.

“When I saw a chance to get to know you, to try and show
myself in a different light, I selfishly grabbed it. Only it went too far, and
I ended up hurting you, hurting you even more than before.”

He stared at her beseechingly. “Don’t you see then Kate?
Don’t you see? If I let you believe I was dead then I couldn’t possibly hurt
you anymore.”

She stared back at him and he was stunned by the
stark pain he read in her face. He bowed his head in shame. “And even there I
was wrong, wasn’t I?”

Kate put her hand on his. She was amazed by the
current that passed between them, as disturbingly strong as it had ever been.
“Can’t we salvage something from this?”

“Can’t you see it’s too late? We’ve both been
through too much. How could a relationship that began with violence and was
always based on lies ever survive?” Even as he argued this though, his hand
took on a mind of its own, clinging yearningly to hers.

“I was a mess; a bitter, pathetic excuse for a man
carried away on his own insane desire for justice. And I allowed you to get
caught up in all that. I knew what I could be doing to you, but everything else
came first.”

 “Oh Katie…,” his voice broke. “I’m a sorry
bastard. I still love you. I always have… if you can call what I feel for you
love. But if I love you enough, I should leave you alone. I mean, look at me,
I’m a walking disaster. And look at you. You’re still so beautiful, so
incredibly beautiful, and you’ve a whole new life…”

She pulled away and stood up. “It’s not a life! It’s
not been a life since the day I thought you died
!.
You
simply being here, being
alive,
is like a miracle to
me. Don’t you understand that? I forgive you. I forgive you for everything but,
if you walk away again now, I’ll
never
forgive you.”

“You don’t know what you’re saying! Look, I’ve given
you the best explanation I can and hopefully you can carry on with your life
without this hanging over you any more, without
me
hanging over you
anymore. Please, just give me this chance to
leave,
knowing this time I’ve done the right thing.”

“No!”  She was glaring at him now. “You can’t
keep running away. I’ve never even known who you really are. You’ve always
hidden behind some kind of façade. I want you to stay, goddamn you. I want to
know who the hell you are!” She stared at him defiantly now, her body shaking.

He just stared back, open-mouthed, taken aback by
this outburst.

“Look
..
Kate
..”

“No,
you
look! I’m sick of you telling me how
I’m supposed to feel. You think you can just stand here and give me some kind
of “explanation” so you can leave this time without a guilty conscience? Well,
I’m sorry but I’m not going to let you off that easily! Do you have any idea
what it was like for me? Not being able to decide whether I loved or hated you?
Seeing you tortured and then having to cope with your death?” 

She paused, gulping, “Having to carry and bear your
child,
not
knowing what on earth to tell him about his
father?”

Sean gaped at her, stricken. He looked at Timmy and
found the boy staring back at him with an equally stunned expression. He had
been feigning interest in his game when really he’d been hanging on to their
every word. Sean looked back at Kate. “Timmy is my son?” he asked, already
knowing the answer, remembering their first impetuous time together, but unable
to believe it. “You knew, didn’t you? When I came back, you knew? That’s why….”
His words
petered off.

“Yes,” she replied. “I suspected I
was pregnant and I was happy about it. Timmy is your son, Sean.”

He bent his head. Tears began to flow unheeded down
his face. He mumbled through them, “But after all I’d put you through? When you
knew who I was? You didn’t get….” He choked on the words, simply overwhelmed.
“You kept…..

She interrupted his stammering rather crisply. “Why
would I destroy another life?
An innocent life?
He was
the best thing that could have happened to me. He was all I had left. He got me
through. I don’t know what I’d have done without him. He’s everything to me.”

Sean was still half destroyed by the knowledge she
had gone through a pregnancy and raised a son, his son, alone, and after such
trauma.

Timmy stood up and went over to him. He put his arms
around him. “Dad,” he whispered with awe.
“My Dad!”

Sean stroked the boy’s hair but couldn’t bring
himself to speak.  When he’d eventually brought himself under control, he
looked over at Kate. His eyes were bright with self-hatred. “Katie, honey,
Katie…what can I do now? What do you want me to do? Do you want me to try and
be a father to him? Is that why you want me to stay with you?”

Kate walked over to them and put her arms around
them both. “I love you, Sean. That’s why I want you to stay with us.”

Sean gazed at her incredulously. “But surely there’s
someone else in your life now?”

“Only Tim.”
She touched his head, lovingly. “As he grew up, so many things about Timmy
reminded me of you. He helped to erase any lingering anger or animosity I felt
towards you. How could I do anything but love the man who had given me this
wonderful child, whose characteristics were reproduced in this boy, whom I
loved above all things?”

“But like you said, you don’t even know me! I’m not
sure even I know who I am anymore.”

“Well, isn’t it about time we all found out?”