Being a Boy (11 page)

If you finish first, it’s no biggy – focus on finishing your partner.

We already talked about how using a thicker condom will reduce sensitivity, but I don’t think guys should be overly worried. The good news is, even if you do cum quickly, after a little rest you can do it all over again.

Like an all-you-can-eat buffet of sex, intercourse should be a delicious mixture of snacks and feasts. Sometimes a three minute, explosive session is megahot, while on other occasions a more considered, lazy afternoon in the sack is called for. This comes back to what we said about foreplay. Actual intercourse shouldn’t really last for much more than ten–fifteen minutes TOPS. Everyone would start to chafe and it is quite tiring, y’know. BUT with loads of nice foreplay, the experience will last longer and the cackling hen party will have nothing to taunt.

Don’t forget the ‘after’ bit. Cuddles and kisses followed by cups of tea and/or bacon sandwiches will make your partner feel valued.

Yes. In this case red signals ‘go’. HOWEVER, there are things to consider: If a woman is about to get her period, she may be feeling a bit CRAP. She may have painful headaches and stomach cramps, which can continue throughout her period, so she may not want to have sex. Also, be aware that a woman CAN still get pregnant, even during her period, as the next egg may well have been released. Women are also MORE vulnerable to STIs during this time as the cervix wall is weakened. Sex on a period is also likely to be messy, but then as you will be WEARING A CONDOM that will make it easier to clean up!

‘Check your privilege’ – we’ll never know what it’s like to have a period every month, so be extra nice to girls at this time.

Most histrionic screaming during sex is a reflection of a) pleasure and passion or b) amateur dramatics. Sometimes sex does hurt but in sort of a good way – like having a deep tissue shoulder massage.

I hope this section has enlightened you, even if just a little bit. There are more common sexual terms in the glossary. If you still have questions, although it’s awkward, I’d ALWAYS recommend talking to a trusted adult over searching on the Internet.
ALWAYS
.

H
ow much clearer can we make it? This is the WORST THING ABOUT a lot of PORN. No one wears a condom. Oooh it makes me mad because, to anyone watching porn (i.e. YOU), it looks like it’s OK. Well it isn’t.

Y
ou know what makes sex really, really good? NOT WORRYING is what makes sex really good. Nothing squeezes the fun out of sex like a) anxiety, b) guilt, c) rashes and d) babies.

If you have unprotected sex, two of these four things (a and b) are inevitable. If you are having sex without a condom you might have made a baby, or caught something and feel guilty because you might have given your partner something. If you aren’t feeling these things after unprotected sex then you bloody well should be.

What’s more, sexual partners will have god-like levels of worship ready for you if you whip out a condom. Why? Because it’s a sign you respect their health as well as your own. GO YOU! This goes without saying, but ensure your condoms are intact and reasonably new – don’t keep a condom in your wallet for years and expect it to work. The same goes for keeping them somewhere too hot or too cold such as a car glove box.

You can totally practise this at home alone. It’s called a FANCY WANK.

You can get an unlimited number of FREE condoms from your GP or from a sexual health clinic, most of which run completely confidential drop-in sessions for young people. Failing that you can buy condoms from any supermarket, garage, pharmacy or pub toilet in the country.

There really isn’t an excuse.

Always carry a condom – just in case.

Condoms are usually made of a rubber or latex material, meaning they are naturally skin tight on even the most petite of penises yet can stretch to accommodate even the biggest whopper. This said, those clever manufacturers have seen fit to make them in various sizes for the larger gentleman, not to mention latex-free for those with allergies. Basically, you can’t use THOSE excuses not to wear a johnny.

A cause of much stress, this is exactly what emergency hormonal contraception – formerly known as the ‘morning after pill’ – was made for: emergencies. It should NOT become a substitute for other methods of birth control such as condoms or contraceptive pills. Emergency hormonal contraception will be effective, but increasingly LESS effective for five days after your condom breaks and is available over the counter from a pharmacy, sometimes for free, or from your GP or GUM clinic. If you are concerned you may have been exposed to HIV, you can speak to your doctor about an emergency treatment called PEP or ‘post exposure prophylaxis’.

This oddly eighties gimmick seems largely over now. Making condoms in a wild variety of flavours is to cater to oral sex, while others are ribbed and shaped, allegedly to heighten the pleasure you will receive during sex. I mean, for crying out loud, you’re having SEX – how much more pleasure do you want?

It doesn’t matter if they have spoilers, subwoofers and alloy wheels – as long as they prevent spooge from entering the looloo, that’s all that counts.

In a word, yes. The combined pill is 99 per cent effective, but do you fancy being the poor 1 per cent that’s a father? What’s more, the pill is only 99 per cent effective if taken precisely as instructed, so you should remind your partner to take her pill. Upset stomachs and other medications will make the pill less reliable. For example, if your partner has vomited within two hours of taking her pill, she needs to take another. Finally, the pill, contraceptive patches, gels, rings, injections and intrauterine devices, or IUDs, do NOTHING to protect you from sexually transmitted infections, or STIs.

I
think this stuff is pretty well covered in schools, but just in case there’s any confusion, let’s clear it up:

The guy makes the sperm and the girl releases one egg a month from her ovaries (which we don’t have). The egg hangs out inside yer missus waiting to be fertilised by your sex-wee. If it IS, the little tiny baby thing, called an embryo, latches on to the uterus wall and bingo! You’d better start knitting. If the egg is NOT fertilised the girl will lose the egg and uterus lining once a month as her period, a bloody discharge from her vagina.

If you do not use a condom when you have vaginal intercourse you may well make a baby.

Do you want a baby? I don’t know, maybe you do. BE SURE, BE VERY SURE. Babies take all your time AND all your money. Being a parent is the most challenging thing human beings do, even if it is mind-blowing and wonderful. Having a baby changes EVERYTHING. Your life will never, ever be the same once you have a kid.

If a woman gets pregnant, or ‘conceives’, then nine months later she will give birth to a baby. You will be forever responsible for the baby, financially and emotionally, if she decides to keep him or her. Not only will the Child Support Agency hunt you to the ends of the earth for money, but you’ll also have a lifelong connection to the little tiny baby and its mum, even if you are not together and don’t raise the baby or spend a lot of time in its life. Even if you decide to give the baby up for adoption you will always be emotionally connected to the baby. Just something to be aware of.

There will come a time however when you might REALLY, REALLY want a baby and when that day comes, finding out your partner is pregnant will be the best news ever. Being ready for a family is a little like knowing you’re ready for sex – you’ll know. You’ll be with someone who you think is SO AWESOME you want to semi-replicate them using 50 per cent of your own genetic code. That sounds sci-fi BECAUSE IT IS!

Humans do nothing more amazing than reproduce – do it on your terms when you’re ready, not because you couldn’t be arsed to use a condom that one time with your cousin’s mate on a pile of coats at a party.