Being a Boy (15 page)

Biologically speaking, it would make far more sense for males to sleep with numerous women – men can make dozens of babies in the time it takes women to have one. Women, again biologically speaking, need a man who is also going to protect and provide for her offspring.

So, it’s easy to see why thousands of years since women actually ‘needed’ men, humans still crave a monogamous relationship. We’re genetically programmed to.

1. Security:
   There is a comfort in knowing there’s someone that is just for you, someone who’s got your back.
   
2. Comfort:
   Most relationships come with a degree of cosiness involving sweatpants, DVD boxed sets and take-out food on a Saturday night.
   
3. Partnership:
   Someone to have adventures with. Someone funny and kind who inspires and supports you to be better.
   
4. Love:
   Perhaps the most important reason. Love is when you can’t be without someone. After 2,000 years and 2,000 hippy poets, no one is any nearer to defining love. For me, it’s always looking forward to seeing someone, having a little glow every time you think about them. It takes time to fall in love with someone. At first you see only what the other person is showing you and while you can fall in love with that, you eventually need to fall in love with the real person underneath – all the good bits and bad bits.
   
5. Sex on tap:
   Self-explanatory. Though not in all cases, of course. If you or your partner chooses abstinence, then this may not apply to your relationship. The best thing about having sex with the same person over and over is that you get REALLY good at it, get to know their body and can try lots of fun new things.
   

1. For the sake of it:
   The tragic side effect of a culture that thrusts male-female monogamy down our throats is the fact we think this is all there is. There are actually a billion alternatives.
   
2. For access to sex:
   This brings us back to being HONEST with your partner.
   

Myth Busting

So many people are in MISERABLE relationships because they think ‘this is what humans do’. That’s just not true. It is always better to be single and happy than in a bad relationship feeling sad.

Relationships are like buses – sometimes you’ll wait at a bus stop for ages, but another one will always rock up eventually. You never know what’s just around the corner.

You can’t be a good boy friend until you’ve made peace with being single. If you aren’t happy being on your own, you’ll dive right into the first relationship that turns up … even if that bus isn’t heading in the right direction.

I
t’s so hard to tell. I know this though: DOUBT is all part of the process. When settling into the relationship, unless you’re a moustache-twirling villain, you are basically choosing one partner to the exclusion of all others. How do you know they are ‘the one’?

Well here’s the thing. When the person’s right for you, you’ll be having so much fun with them and be so excited to see them that you won’t want to see other people. It’s TOTALLY NATURAL for other people to catch your eye as you’re only human, after all, but you’ll think, ‘oooh they’re hot, but tonight I’m seeing , hurrah!’

Sometimes, the early days are a bit like an addiction, when you just can’t get enough of this brilliant new person. It can make you a phone-checking, Facebook-stalking, nail-chewing obsessive. This is also totally normal. I wish more people were honest about new-love-feelings, then we’d all feel a bit less deranged.

N
ow we’ve done all the groundwork, let’s see if you’re ready for the real deal. Take the quiz, score yourself and then find out how you did.

1. YOU’VE BEEN ON A FIRST DATE AND IT WENT REALLY WELL. HOW LONG SHOULD YOU WAIT BEFORE YOU TEXT?

a)
as the bus pulls away, so they can see you texting from the pavement

b)
later that evening to tell them what you’re wearing to bed

c)
48 hours later – make them sweat a little

d)
you won’t need to text them. They’re coming home with you, obviously

2. YOU’VE BEEN SEEING SOMEONE FOR A FEW MONTHS WHEN THEIR BIRTHDAY COMES AROUND. WHAT SHOULD YOU GIVE THEM?

a)
the most expensive thing you can afford – a Tiffany charm bracelet, an iPad or a trip abroad. The more money you spend the more they will know you love them

b)
a handmade card featuring a self-penned poem and thirteen of your own eyelashes

c)
a huge box of chocolates and shopping time, because everyone loves shopping, right?

d)
a voucher entitling them to five hours of on-demand sex

3. YOUR PARTNER’S DEEPLY IRRITATING BEST FRIEND IS CELEBRATING THEIR BIRTHDAY ON THE SAME DAY YOU HAVE TICKETS FOR A THING YOU REALLY WANT TO DO. DO YOU …

a)
cancel your tickets and go to the birthday party but sulk all night, giving sideways glances and only speaking in monosyllabic grunts?

b)
go to your event regardless – it’s their best friend, not yours?

c)
employ a look-a-like actor to attend the birthday party in your place?

d)
ask the friend if they are willing to celebrate their birthday at your prior event?

4. YOU’RE IN A PUBLIC PLACE WHEN A RANDOM STRANGER COMMENTS ‘PHWOAR, LOOK AT THE BAPS ON HER’. DO YOU…

a)
knock their front teeth out?

b)
whip your other half out of the place so fast you wrench their arm from its socket?

c)
suggest that your partner may wish to wear less revealing clothing next time?

d)
give ‘em a squish and say ‘yeah, they’re all mine, mate’?

5. AFTER DATING FOR SEVERAL WEEKS, YOUR PARTNER INVITES YOU TO A BIG FAMILY WEDDING. YOU’LL FINALLY GET TO MEET THEIR MUM, DAD AND ENTIRE FAMILY. YOU:

a)
stock up on industrial strength diarrhoea remedies to combat nerves

b)
buy a new suit at once. Mums love you, in fact, your mum is your best friend

c)
find an excuse to not go. It’s just too much pressure at such an early stage

d)
engineer a three-way with your partner and a hot wedding guest

Now add up your scores and you’ll see:

Mostly As:
You’re an ass-hat.

Mostly Bs:
You’re a clingy ass-hat.

Mostly Cs:
You’re an ass-hat.

Mostly Ds:
You’re a pervy ass-hat.

The point of the exercise was to highlight the fact that whether you favour girls or boys, relationships are hard. Really hard. Being single is actually a lot easier than being in a couple because you can be as selfish as you like when you have only yourself to think about.

The key word within relationships is COMPROMISE. This is a fancy word for ‘doing stuff you don’t want to do’. Unlike CAVING IN, however, it also means you can get your partner to do something they don’t want to do by way of revenge. Just kidding!

Q: How often is it OK for you to check your partner’s texts and emails?

A: Erm, never, you controlling psychopath.

Similarly it is not OK for them to invade your privacy

You do these things for your partner because you care about each other. A good boyfriend will prioritise his lover, which means that the days of doing exactly as you want are numbered.

The truest sign of a good boyfriend is one who lets his partner have their own life. A good partner is one who’ll let you have a life too.

A.
You won’t mind this at all because you’ll want to see your partner happy. It’s alarming how easy it is to put the happiness of others ahead of your own – it’s the final part of childish self-centredness we cast off.

B.
If you are in a GOOD, HEALTHY relationship, this will work both ways.

What I mean is, you and your partner will allow each other freedom. Only in TERRIBLE relationships are individuality and autonomy tossed aside.

Also, once you’re in a settled relationship don’t start to neglect your mates. You need balance. One person can’t be everything to another – variety is the spice of life, after all. On a serious note, if things go wrong in your relationship, you need to know your mates will still be there to look after you.

Domestic Violence

This should go without saying: violent relationships are a BIG no-no. Men should never, ever hit women. Women should never, ever hit men. Same-sex couples must never hit each other either. It is never acceptable. If it were happening to your best friend or mum, what would you say to them? Hurting someone emotionally or physically is WRONG.

No violent, abusive, angry relationship is worth salvaging. There are MILLIONS of partners out there who won’t attack you or make you feel like dog poo – shag one of them instead.

If we look at the examples from the quiz, a bit of cheeky compromise could have saved the day. Take the ‘best friend’s birthday’ question. If you bought your tickets to the THING first, it’s pretty unreasonable of your partner to expect to throw away a small fortune when they could quite easily go to the party by themself. A good partner would say, ‘you have fun and take lots of pictures so I can see what it was like’, and you would say, ‘tell your friend I’m sorry and that I hope they have a lovely birthday, buy them a drink on me.’

As with sex, communication is key. Screaming, shouting, bickering, jealousy and emotional blackmail have no place in a healthy relationship.

If you have siblings, you’ll know that all rules are off when you fight. There is no blow too low or dirty and all ammunition is fair game. This can become true in relationships. You’ll learn which buttons to press to really piss your partner off and get your own way. Don’t go there. A few disagreements are inevitable, as is a whole bunch of compromise, but treat a partner the same way you would a friend. Would you scream and shout and throw crockery? I should hope not. Refer back to the previous advice: No relationship is better than a bad relationship. A girlfriend or boyfriend is meant to be the BEST thing in your life, not the worst.

A
fter the initial rush of a new relationship has worn off, it’s important to do everything possible to keep your love fresh and exciting. Never take your partner for granted.

Let your partner know you care. This is easily done in a text message. Post funny pics on their Facebook wall. Let them know if you’re running late. Never stop complimenting your partner. When real life kicks in it’s easy to complain and moan, but MAKE THE EFFORT to be positive every day.

Relationships are hard, and they take work, but the right relationship is totally worth it. However not everyone is compatible – sometimes that’s even harder to admit.

A
lmost as vital as the start of a relationship is its end. Yes, I know, this is bleak, but everything ends, and few relationships end in convenient simultaneous death like in The Notebook. Sooner or later, one of you may want to want to walk off into the sunset.

This isn’t a bad thing. I blame Cinderella and ‘Happy Ever After’. We never saw the part where Cinderella realised Prince Charming was incapable of change and started to have feelings for the handsome groomsman.