Being a Boy (16 page)

Everything changes. Sometimes couples change and the change suits them both and they grow old and grey together. For many of us though, as your needs change your partner might have different needs so you’ll want to go in separate directions. I think we should stop saying that relationships that end are ‘failed’ and simply say that ‘we changed’. A relationship is only ‘failing’ if two people better apart stay together.

There are a multitude of reasons why a relationship might end. Observe figure d.

T
his is a tricky one. People define cheating differently. Are you allowed to chat to an ex on Facebook? For some people that would be cool, but it might drive others mad. Kissing and doing sex with someone that’s not your partner is nearly always frowned on. You’ll note though, that having feelings for someone else is on the ‘non-blame’ list. Why? Because sometimes you can’t help it – you don’t have to act on it though.

figure d

It is a question of trust. Invading someone’s private text messages or e-mails isn’t fair and is only a hop, skip and a jump from donning a wig and sunglasses and following your partner around all day. If you truly think your partner is up to no good you have to – drumroll – ASK THEM. If they deny it and you still have suspicions, why? What about them is suspicious or is it really you needing to be in control? If you can’t trust what your partner is saying is true then why are you with them at all?

I
f you’ve been seeing someone for more than a couple of dates and you want out, it’s VITAL that you end things properly. In the chapter on dating, I encouraged you to man up and explain if you don’t want a second date. This is the ONLY circumstance where’s it forgivable to do the ‘just don’t call’ tactic. If you haven’t heard from a date after 48 hours or so, we can all assume there isn’t going to be a follow-up, I think.

Anything more than a couple of dates and you MUST do it properly. Regard figure e.

Here’s the thing. Breaking up with someone is potentially explosive. Choosing any method from column two is only likely to throw in another stick of dynamite. You’ll get this:

Whereas it could have just been:

Yes, it’ll still sting, but doing it properly softens the blow considerably.

figure e

I know you’re probably thinking, ‘Gee, Gramps, get with twenty-first century … everyone dumps people on Facebook’, but manners never date. Even if you can get away with sending a well-worded text, it’s still BETTER to do it in person. The only reason not to is because you’re scared and it’s awkward. WELL BOO-HOO – GET OVER IT. If you do it properly, they’ll go back into the world with a much better impression of you and, importantly, won’t be going all over town and the Internet saying, ‘THIS GUY IS A TOTAL SHITWEASEL.’

A
ny graduate from the Cliché University will tell you that you can’t make an omelette without breaking a few eggs. I’m afraid the same is true of hearts. As much as we try to follow all the rules and treat people with respect, at some point, inevitably, you’re going to upset people. Yep, sooner or later, you’re going to be a villain in someone else’s internal soap opera.

In many ways it’s easier to be DUMPED than it is to be the DUMPER because, when someone dumps you, you get to be a fantastically sympathetic victim.

Friends will rally around you with ice-cream …

FRIEND:
‘You were WAY TOO GOOD for him/her, hun – they’ll never meet someone as good as you.

YOU:
^*
WAIL
^*
.

As the dumper, you are more evil than Satan at a rock concert.

While no one wants to be a villain, you shouldn’t let this stop you from having those difficult conversations or ending a relationship if it doesn’t fit properly. Another cliché – dumping someone should be like pulling off a plaster – it will hurt, but fleetingly. Avoiding awkward moments, or trying to shitweasel your way out of a relationship by ignoring texts or faking relocation to Yemen will succeed only in making you a bigger baddie.

Dumping people is AWFUL, but every once in a while, you’ll have to accept your villainous crown of skulls and get on with it.

Choose a venue:
I suggest a public place because they will be less likely to flip out. Their home will do, but not yours. Kicking someone out after you’ve dumped them is shady. Make sure you are nowhere too quiet or too noisy.

• If you’ve said ‘we need to talk’, they’ll already know what’s coming.
  
• Don’t try to make it better than it is. If you want out do not offer false hope by saying, ‘I need a break’, or, ‘I need some time to think’. If you really do want some time to think, this is fine, but do set a timescale e.g. ‘Let’s meet in a week and talk again.’
  
• Always stick to I FEEL/I THINK statements rather than placing blame. For example: ‘I know you’ve been carrying on with the pizza delivery guy and I FEEL that’s unacceptable’.
  
• Otherwise, it’s over to you to explain why you want out of the relationship. For instance: ‘I’m so sorry to do this, but this just isn’t working for me.’ You need to give more detail than this, however. ‘You’re lovely, but I feel we don’t have that much in common – I’m not sure we have any shared interests.’
  

   
  

  Do you see how that’s quite difficult to argue with? Your partner might rattle off a list, but you can stick to, ‘I FEEL this is not the case.’
  

Never, ever say ‘it’s not you, it’s me’, unless you want a drink in your face

• Very often it’s really hard to vocalise what’s wrong with a relationship, it just feels off somehow. This is where it gets tricky, because you really do have to give a reason and, ‘I think I can do better than you’, is likely to go down as well as bird flu at a poultry farm.
  
• There’s nothing wrong with: ‘I’m so sorry about this, but I’m just not enjoying this. It’s nothing you’ve done – perhaps my head’s just not in the right place for a relationship at the moment.’ Again, argue with that. In these situations, I often find the other person is WELL AWARE that something is off and will likely agree.
  
• If your partner IS disappointed and upset do NOT back down purely because you feel bad. Offering false hope is a terrible thing to do. Likewise, only say, ‘let’s be friends’, if you actually want to be friends. Grey areas can be very confusing. NEVER sleep with someone once you’ve dumped them, because this only makes grey areas murkier.
  
• Make the meeting a proper ending. Don’t say, ‘let’s get together soon’, if you don’t mean it. Go away with a, ‘look after yourself. I’ll see you around.’
  
• If the other person starts down the heartbroken text/e-mail/call route, be aware this is most likely an attempt to get you back. You should respond to these politely, but you’re no longer obliged to them if you’ve ended things properly. Be kind, but stay firm. If the theme is ‘let’s give it another go’, say, ‘That’s not what I want, and I think we should both move on.’
  

The horror of a bad break-up may be enough to make you never want another relationship ever again. If everyone behaves with a degree of maturity, however, a break-up, although sad can be clean.

What if it’s you that got dumped? As you can see, when the situation is reversed it’s never nice, but there’s actually nothing you can do about it. Nothing at all. What are you thinking? You’ll beg your way back into their heart? Unlikely.

You are allowed a right to reply. Sticking with our I FEEL statements, you can say, ‘I feel we have a good relationship that is worth sticking with. I believe we’ll regret it if we give up.’ They might agree, but if they don’t you have to let them go. You have to move on.

This is going to hurt. It will hurt for two reasons:

1. You will miss them.
   
2. It’s not what you want and we ALL like getting our own way.
   

The sooner we accept that things might not go our way, the happier we’ll be. Wanting things we can’t have is a horrid toxic-belly feeling, so the sooner you can identify it and treat it like the inner spoiled brat it is, the happier you will be.

Regarding the first point, it will get better with time – AWFUL-BUT-TRUE CLICHÉ-ALERT). It might take quite a lot of time. There are people I still miss, even years later, because every time you fall in love it’s unique to that person. That said, over time it fades to almost nothing, and when someone new comes along (and someone new always does) they are brighter and more exciting, completely taking over your head. Basically it’s like when the iPhone 5 came out. It totally pissed all over the iPhone 4.

If you’re feeling super-sad, talk to someone you trust. At some point everyone goes through a bad break-up and everyone survives more or less intact.

I
wish I could tell you that the day you turn 20, a glorious tide of wisdom will flood your head. In fact, I’m afraid it gets no easier once you throw in the added complication of a career. However, I have found that as soon as you leave school, everything changes. You’re off the leash and everything that happened at school, whether you were an insouciant lion or tragic vole, is immediately forgotten. You get a fresh start.

Adult life is only different to adolescent life in that you suddenly get an unprecedented increase in your number of choices. For most of us, our early lives are free of choice, with most being made by our parents or carers. Suddenly being free to make your own choices can be daunting and you’ll certainly make some mistakes.

It is these choices that will form the sort of man you will become. A choice to sleep until noon is unlikely to see you enter a fulfilling career. A choice to drink or take drugs to excess or tattoo your face with swearwords will be similarly limiting. If you look at ANY successful person in ANY field you like, the thing they will have in common is that they all made difficult choices and sacrifices.