Being a Boy (9 page)

Theoretically, anything that gets you going could be classed as porn. For most people, sexual fantasy begins with a TV star, film actor or musician. The mere idea of having sex with a celebrity or someone in real life – how mundane – is often enough to get a person off.

The pornography we need to discuss is the HARDCORE STUFF. We’re talking actual people having actual sex in films and photos. If you’ve managed to avoid this stuff, I’m glad you’ve emerged from the rock you’ve been living under long enough to find this book.

I believe pornography roughly falls into the following genres, although they do sometimes combine a selection of them:

SOLOS:
Individual porn actors pleasure themselves. Element of danger provided by terrifyingly long fingernails in close proximity to clitoris.

GIRL-ON-GIRL:
Self-explanatory. Some men just don’t like seeing a male porn actor’s penis. Also, remember what I said about society thinking this is sexy and cool.

DUOS:
In most heterosexual porn the scene features a man and a woman engaging in lots of things that FEEL NICE.

GROUPS:
Two men and a woman; two women and a man; two women, two men; 3x=y-12. The possibilities are endless.

NO PLOT:
Much porn goes like this: the pair enter a room, with resigned, robotic precision. Following some deeply awkward chat, they get on with it – very often you can see subtle clock-watching. There is no story, but there may be character roles e.g. gardener, schoolgirl, pterodactyl. (This last one exists. Seriously.)

PLOT:
Sometimes however, there will be a plot. These porn stars engage in dialogue before the inevitable sex happens.

FETISH:
A tricky category, since anything that gets anyone going is strictly a fetish. Broadly speaking though, this is the ‘kinky’ stuff that involves specialist gear and kit. Sometimes, you may mistakenly believe you’ve clicked onto a horror film.

Now, some reactionary types would tell you that PORN IS BAD. IF YOU WATCH PORN YOU MIGHT AS WELL PAY SATAN UPFRONT FOR YOUR TICKET TO HELL. I believe this is an unhelpful approach to take in a world where pornography is unavoidable. More to the point the above claims are inaccurate. Still, we are dealing with a secretive, sometimes murky, and many would argue, exploitative, industry.

It is very difficult to know if what you are watching is morally sound. There is no way of knowing if the people you see in porn are happy and healthy – a lot of porn actors LOVE their work and good on ’em. Selecting pornography made by the big LA studios is perhaps safer than low-budget home-video style ones where a sad, glassy eyed couple do it in a mildew-covered bathtub next to crusty bottles of cheap shampoo.

With this in mind, let’s move on to the problem with porn.

Putting aside the moral implications of watching porn – you can’t be expected to change the world from your bedroom, least of all when one of your hands is busy – we must think about the direct consequences of getting sex education from pornography.

Let’s say it together:
PORN IS NOT SEX EDUCATION.

I assume you’ve seen at least one Batman or Superman film? Yes? Following this film did you leap off a building in an attempt to fly? No? I hope not. If that did happen, I’m really sorry for bringing it up.

This is the real problem with porn. As sex education in schools doesn’t dare go the places that pornography does, young men like you are left with a gaping void in their knowledge. We tell you how the baby gets there, but not the actual ‘doing it’ part.

This book is aiming to fill your void.
^*
snigger
^*

Think about porn actors. They are professionals. No one is expecting you to be a professional. Just like you shouldn’t perform open heart surgery after watching Casualty, you shouldn’t attempt sex the way you’ve seen it in porn or read about in certain bestselling erotic novels.

1. It is a film.
   They are shot with multiple camera angles to provide flattering images, using multiple takes to get it right.
   
2. The actors are selected on the basis of looks and talent.
   If we believe porn, women do not have pubic hair. Hell, most of the men do not have pubic hair. The majority of actors are exceptionally gym-fit, giving a skewed image of what a naked body looks like. They have fake tans and, ready for this, bleached bottoms. Many of the female actors have breast implants. The male actors have much larger-than-average penises.
   
3. The actors have done this many times.
   They are not nervous or even horny. They are feeling nothing. It is a job. As such, they are very experienced and can do ‘advanced moves’ that beginners cannot.
   
4. The situations are fiction.
   Most day-to-day scenarios do NOT end in sex. The pizza delivery man just wants to give you the pizza, get a respectable tip and piss off.
   
5. No one is wearing a condom
   or talking about sexually transmitted infections, or ‘STIs’.
   
6. In reality, when men or women say ‘no’ during sex, this means STOP.
   In porn-land, characters sometimes keep going, which is rape.
   

Again, except for the last two, none of these things are BAD or EVIL. One may enjoy porn in the same way one may have enjoyed Batman. It’s escapism.

The problem comes when guys try to recreate porn. Again, you are not the pros. The women I spoke to UNANIMOUSLY agreed that they could tell if a male partner had been exposed to porn. The warning signs? Excessive moaning; expectation that a woman will cum at the mere presence of a man in the room; ‘jack-rabbit’ or ‘smash the doors down’ sex.

Here’s the thing. A 2010 study found that while 70 per cent of men admitted to watching porn, only 30 per cent of women did. There could be some fibbing going on but let’s assume that more men than women watch porn. This is hardly surprising. Nearly all porn is made for men by men. The sad fact is that porn usually caters to the sexist notion that women are there to provide men with pleasure, not the other way around.

So we cannot blame girls for being less than impressed if boys turn up expecting the full porn-star treatment. Unless you happen to be dating a porn-star, this is unlikely to happen and even then she might want a night off.

Now, I’m making generalisations. It is entirely possible your partner might be into hardcore, moany, groany, PVC-clad sex. Some women are. Some men are.

THIS IS THE BIT THAT NEITHER SCHOOLS NOR PORN IS TEACHING YOU: YOU HAVE TO TALK ABOUT SEX WITH YOUR PARTNER.

Yes, as scary as it might sound if you think you are ready to have sex, then you should be mature enough to talk about it. ASK your partner what FEELS NICE. They will definitely know. Some of those ideas you’ve got from porn? ASK if your partner likes the sound of them. Speed it up or slow it down? For God’s sake ASK!

In truth, your partner will be thrilled at this level of respect. You have taken their feelings and sexual desires into account. Admitting you don’t automatically know what pleases someone is honest and honesty is very sexy. The whispered phrase ‘what do you like?’ is one of the most important you will ever learn. These conversations might be a little bit awkward at first. I’ll tell you what’s more awkward though – the bit where you wee on your partner because you saw it in a porno one time and your partner cries. THAT will haunt you forever.

Sex is best when it’s ‘real’. Real sex has unflattering light, flat hair, unsightly bulges, leg cramps and squelching noises. It has laughter, red faces and bodily fluids.

PORN MAY BE MANY
THINGS, BUT IT
IS NOT ‘REAL’.

S
ince the advent of the camera phone, everyone became an overnight porn-star. No one is immune: pop-stars; premiership footballers; reality TV stars. It has almost become expected that illicit pictures and/or videos will be swapped as part of the human mating ritual.

Technology has made it too easy. That said, we ALL have to accept that doing this is monumentally stupid. We are doing something risky AND leaving evidence that can spread round to others faster than chlamydia.

1. Which of the following is illegal?

a.
A hot 16-year-old taking nudey pics of their body

b.
A hot 16-year-old putting nudey pics of their body on the web

c.
A hot 16-year-old sharing nudey pics of their body around

Answer:
ALL OF ’EM! That’s right. The age of consent might be 16 but ANY erotic image of a person under 18 is classed as an ‘indecent image of a child’.

2. Which of these is also illegal?

a.
You taking risky pics of your super hot 16-year-old partner

b.
You uploading risky pics of your super hot 16-year-old partner to the web

c.
You showing your friends risky pics of your 16-year-old partner

Answer:
You guessed it – all of ’em again. Same story: ‘indecent image of a child’.

3. And last but not least, which of these come with a jail sentence?

a.
Looking at nudey pics of 16-year-olds on the web

b.
Looking at nudey pics of people who ‘appear to be under 18’ on the web

c.
Accepting nudey text pics from a 16-year-old partner

Answer:
Absolutely no prizes for guessing ALL THREE. This is classed as making and possessing CHILD PORNOGRAPHY.

Think really, really hard the next time you consider sending someone a picture of your bits. One day you might want to be a politician. A family doctor. A squeaky-clean TV presenter. You probably won’t be able to do these things if ever yone’s seen your junk all over the Internet or you’ve been arrested for looking at, sharing, making or possessing child porn.

Last and perhaps most importantly of all, even if the pictures you are taking and uploading are of yourself, you are still distributing indecent images of a child.

So you see, even if ‘everyone is doing it’ this is a really dodgy area, especially for young people such as yourself. Please don’t do it.

I
n the UK the age of consent, or age at which you are legally allowed to have sexyfuntime is 16, regardless of your sexual orientation – whether you like boys or girls. However even if you ARE 16, you can’t have sex with someone over the age of 18 if they are in a position of trust, like your teacher or doctor or something. Got that?

This kinda goes without saying, but sex with ANYONE under 16 is a) wrong and b) a crime. Even if you are over 16 and some superhot 15-year-old is well up for it and you do the deed, this is known as ‘statutory rape’ and it could see you in trouble.

Why bother with consent laws when we know there are people younger than 16 doing all the sex? They protect you. Yes, YOU. It is a fact of life that lots of people, young or old, but especially young, don’t necessarily know what’s good for them. Most six-year-olds, given the choice, would opt for daily meals of candyfloss sandwiches, for example. This would NOT be good for them. It’s the same with choices regarding your sex life. People vastly cleverer than I have set those laws at 16 as this is the age at which they feel you are finally able to make mature(ish) decisions about sex. Anything less than that … well, the theory is ‘you might THINK you know what you’re doing, but let’s give it a few years to be sure’.

Even once you are 16, before you have sex, it is important to make sure everyone wants to do it or this is what is called rape. In recent years there have been some high-profile court cases where young men have found themselves in court because a sexual partner has alleged that they never consented to sex, sometimes because they were too drunk or semi-conscious. If your partner, whether they are a girl or a guy, is unable to give consent then this is also rape.

Rape is not just penetrative sex of a vagina or anus either. Oral or digital (hand) sex would also count.

It’s dead easy really: Just make sure you ASK before you do the sex. If she/he says ‘yes’, you’re off, if she/he says ‘no’, it’s off. Even if your partner changes their mind halfway through the sex, you MUST stop. If she/he does say no, don’t push it. Go home and have a wank.

E
ven though your body is more than capable of doing it, you might not be ready emotionally. Sex IS a big deal, especially when you’re young. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Peer pressure is bollocks. As soon as early rumours of people in your class or circle of friends ‘doing it’ start to spread like wildfire, there can be a real pressure for everyone to start ‘losing it’, and by ‘it’ we mean ‘virginity’. This pressure to ditch your v-card as if it were cursed isn’t very sexy to you or prospective partners.