Being True (20 page)

“I’d forgotten how much I loved this place,” Javi said as we left the jaguar and continued on. “I used to beg my parents to bring me every summer, but that was years ago. I think the last time I was here, I was ten.”

“My mother used to always bring me too,” I said as we viewed the Komodo dragon. I rested my hand on the rail in front of the thick glass separating us from certain doom, and he joined me, wrapping his fingers onto the rail about an inch from mine. The heat from his body rushed against me in pulsing waves. I entertained the idea of leaning into his touch, of brushing my pinky finger against his thumb and joining our hands in secret.

But I lacked the nerve, even though an itch in the back of my brain told me that was what he wanted me to do. I dismissed it as wishful thinking. Claudia’s suspicions about Javi’s feelings, which she had spouted almost daily the past few weeks, had wormed their way inside my thoughts, and the concern in my mother’s voice once again rang in my ears.

I pulled away, crossing to the next exhibit, where I once again leaned against the rail and Javi took his place at my side, his fingers even closer than before.

“When was the last time you were here?” Javi asked.

“Last week actually.”

He peered down at me. Confusion stitched his eyebrows together. “While I was at our away game?”

I nodded.

“Then why’d you want to come here again?”

I shrugged as I pulled away, and Javi moved beside me again. Why did this little dance remind me of playing vampire with Carl in second grade? “You’ll think it’s sad and pathetic,” I said as we arrived where the reticulated python currently digested something the size of a small cat.

“I bet I won’t,” Javi replied.

This time, I didn’t put my hands on the rail. I crossed them over my chest to see how Javi would respond. He mimicked my stance in front of the python’s area, and his elbow brushed against my upper arm. “Well, before you and Claudia, I didn’t really have any friends, and my mom’s always working. So I came here a lot to be around people who weren’t going to chase me or try to beat me up.” I nodded to the python. “These guys have been my only friends for years.”

Javi’s stance grew rigid. “I don’t like to think of someone beating you up. Especially now that I know Rance was one of them. It’s not right.” He glanced at me, his eyes hooded in affection. Why did I get the feeling he wanted to pull me close, pull out a sword, and behead all my past tormentors?

“I couldn’t agree more, but what can I do?” I led him to the big cat grotto. The lions stretched out in the thinning sunlight. Clouds had crept across the sky, and the animals sniffed the air. Two of the lionesses stood up and headed into the den. No doubt, they sensed an approaching storm. “High school is like an animal pack. There are the alphas who run the show, and the betas who get bitch-slapped for daring to sneak a bite of food off the carcass. You’re one of the alphas. Everyone at school loves you. As for me, I’m new to the pack. I don’t have a place in the normal order of things, and even some of the betas think it’s okay to piss on me when I walk by. I guess that knocks me all the way down to an omega, the absolute last in the pecking order.”

“Is that really the way you feel?” His eyes reflected disbelief.

I nodded. “For pretty much as long as I can remember.”

“That’s got to change.”

“What do you plan on doing?” I asked. “Alter high school social politics that have been in place for generations? It’s the nature of the beast, and I’ve learned how to survive.”

“Life shouldn’t be about just survival,” he said as we approached the howler monkeys. They screamed at us as if they were in complete agreement. “It’s about being happy and experiencing all life has to offer.”

I glanced at Javi, who stood before the spider monkey area. A smile was upon his lips as two of the males groomed each other, picking fleas from each other’s fur and popping them in their mouths for an afternoon snack.

“And what about you?” I asked. “Are you happy?”

He turned to me, flashing his half grin. “Do I look miserable?”

I studied his expression. On the surface, he seemed to be the Javi I’d known for the past few months, but somewhere deep lived a Javi no one got the chance to see. The Javi that smiled differently at me. The one who slept with his hand on my shoulder or found some excuse to touch me. That Javi clawed up from the deep well where he’d been held captive, but every time he scaled to the top, someone or something shoved him all the way back down to the shadowy bottom.

I’d first noticed it that day in the park, when some unseen barrier had fallen as we talked. Over the last few weeks, the bricks in the wall had crumbled, leaving gaping holes.

“I don’t think you’re as happy as you’d have everyone believe,” I answered.

Javi’s eyes grew wide. “What are you talking about?”

“I’ve got a lot of experience with acting, Javi. I’ve done it most of my life. Trying to get other kids to believe the way they treat me doesn’t bother me. That I can dust myself off after someone pushes me into a locker or does some other shitty thing to me. So I know what pretend looks like, and sometimes when you smile, there’s a certain hollowness there. As if you’re trying to cover up something you don’t want others to see.”

Javi snuffed. He put more distance between us than had been all day. I’d clearly pissed him off. “And what do you think I’m hiding?”

The clouds snuffed out the sunlight, and a light breeze kicked up around us. Rain wafted in the air. In the distance, thunder rolled across the heavens. A cold front was headed our way.

“I’m not certain,” I said. “But there’ve been some theories.”

“What the hell does that mean?” he asked as lightning flashed. Families around us darted for cover as the first raindrops fell. “That sounds like gossip and bullshit that people are always spouting.”

“Don’t get angry,” I said, even though it was too late. Javi’s chest heaved.

“How could I not be angry when you’ve basically told me people are talking about me? And since Claudia is the only one who’s given you the time of day, I assume it’s her that’s been shooting off her big mouth.”

“Low blow, man,” I said.

Javi caught my meaning. He’d basically called me a loser without saying the words. “This sucks, Tru,” he said. Rain now fell steadily. Javi’s hair matted to his face, and a huge drop hung from the tip of his angled nose. I had to wipe the water from my eyes in order to see clearly. “We were having such a good day until now. Why’d you have to get all serious and shit and get up in my business? I didn’t hound you about crap you didn’t want to talk about. I’ve never brought up that fight between you and Rance because you basically asked me not to. I wanted to, but I respected your privacy. Hell, when I almost impaled myself on your cock, I didn’t treat it as a big deal. And you accuse me of keeping secrets, of not being honest. Of being fake.”

“Whoa!” I said, trying to rein in Javi’s anger, which seemed to grow with the storm. Rain now fell in sheets, and thunder crashed overhead. A chill blew all around us. Still, we stood there in the deluge that threatened to sweep us away. “I never said any of those things. I said you didn’t always seem as happy as you’d have other people believe. You’re the one who mentioned secrets. What secrets are you keeping?”

Javi ran his fingers through his sodden hair. He teetered on the edge, and I could either pull him back to the safety of denial or force him to face what he might be trying to ignore.

Only the truth, no matter how hard, would calm the storm.

“Just tell me, Javi,” I said as I closed the distance he’d created between us. “Are you gay?”

Javi’s eyes grew colder than the rain that fell upon our heads. “Fuck you, Tru.” He turned and ran into the curtains of rain that covered the zoo.

F
OR
THE
next hour, I searched the zoo in the pouring rain. I visited each exhibit twice and shivered through all the shops that lined the trails. I couldn’t find him anywhere. When I circled back around to the lemur exhibit, which was across from the entrance, I realized he might have left me here to fend for myself.

I darted through the exit and ran all the way to where we’d parked the car. When I spotted his father’s blue Lincoln, I sighed in relief. I’d simply been run away from, not entirely abandoned.

That gave me a small measure of hope. Perhaps I hadn’t completely destroyed our friendship. Although when I’d asked Javi if he was gay, as Claudia and my mother already suspected, he’d been almost unable to contain his anger. If I’d said those words to Rance, I’d likely be lion food right now.

Javi either was extremely pissed about being mistaken as a gay boy or his denial was rooted so deeply in his soul that digging around had caused him to practically self-destruct.

Whatever the cause, I had to find him and try to patch things up.

I surveyed the expanse of Brackenbridge Park, where the zoo was situated, but the sheets of rain that continued to pour from the sky prevented me from seeing any farther than a few dozen feet. If Javi had left the zoo for the safety of the park, which was entirely something he would do, I’d have difficulty finding him in the almost three hundred sprawling acres.

I had to put my brain to use. I’d visited the park almost every weekend for the past few years. It was as familiar to me as the back of my hand. Where could someone go to be alone and escape the rain?

The train station, which housed the small tourist attraction that took visitors around the park’s perimeter, was the first obvious answer. It had an overhang that protected from the elements, but people waiting to hop on the train after the rain stopped would have likely crowded the area.

The Sunken Gardens seemed another possibility. The Japanese-inspired tea garden hosted a theater for outdoor musical performances, as well as pagodas that could provide shelter. But that was at least half a mile away. Javi would likely choose some place closer.

The picnic pavilion suddenly sprang to mind. It sat on the outer perimeter of the zoo and was only a few hundred feet from where I stood. Most people no longer picnicked there since it lay off the beaten path.

I sprinted through the rain, sloshing through puddles and sliding through mud. By the time I got there, I was soaked clear to the bone, and my teeth chattered from the cold rain. But after I climbed the steps that led up to the red-shingled structure, my heart skipped a beat when I saw Javi sitting on the ground in the center.

I splashed over to where he sat with his knees drawn to his chest and took my place by his side.

“How do you always find me?” he asked.

I shrugged. “I’m smart and persistent.”

“And what if I asked you to leave me alone? Would you do it?”

“If that’s what you wanted, I would.”

He must have believed me. He stared straight ahead and said nothing further. If anyone was going to start this conversation, it was going to be me. The strength and confidence Javi usually carted around had been cast off. He resembled glass about to be shattered.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “I shouldn’t have said what I did. It was stupid, and I take it back.”

Javi wiped his cheek. Whether it was a tear or a drop of rain that fell from his still wet hair, I couldn’t tell. It really didn’t matter. Javi had been right. He hadn’t pushed me when I wasn’t ready to talk. He’d given me my space and offered only friendship. I hadn’t returned the favor, and I would make up for that for the rest of my life.

“Tell me what to do to make it better. I’ll do anything. Just don’t shut me out.”

The pain in Javi’s eyes broke my heart. Whatever I had stirred within him had torn him apart. I had to put the pieces back together, cobble Javi back into the boy he was before I came crashing into his life. Nothing was more important than that.

Javi might hate me from now until the end of time after this. Could I blame him? I had reduced him to this. Still, the thought of Javi remaining cold and distant cut through my heart like a blade, and the contents in my stomach slowly rose in my throat.

“Please, Javi,” I said, voice cracking as pain and regret ripped open my insides. I tried to force the tears away, to blink them away, but they were too strong. They spilled onto my cheeks, and the accompanying sobs racked my body.

Javi wrapped his arm around my shoulders and drew me into him. The reassurance of his weight against mine, his warmth spreading across me, offered more comfort than I’d ever received in my life. It was strong, all-encompassing. If I gave myself over to it, it might support me better than my legs and my will.

It was better than any fantasy I’d cooked up or any of the dreams that had played while I slept. It was real. It was here. It was right.

Javi pulled me even deeper into him until my cheek rested against his chin, and he encircled me with his arms. I hugged him back, leaning harder against him, pushing myself farther into his touch, which sizzled my flesh and practically dried my clothes on my body. Javi’s aroma of musk and wet cedar filled my nostrils, and I inhaled greedily.

He caressed my back with long tender strokes as the sobs turned to sniffles before disappearing entirely.

“I’m really sorry,” I mumbled.

“Shh,” he whispered. He rested his forehead against my wet head before brushing his lips across my temples. I gasped as his hot breath trailed across my flesh and down my cheek. At the curve of my neck, he gingerly, almost timidly, kissed my soft, moist skin.

“Javi?” I asked, my voice low and heavy. I’d meant to ask if this was what he wanted. More than anything, he had to be sure.

But his eyes gave me my answer. Half closed in longing, his lips mounted mine. I pressed back into the sweetest and most gentle moment of my life.

A
FTER
WHAT
seemed like an hour of Javi’s lips upon mine, he pulled out of the kiss and gazed lovingly into my eyes. He pressed his forehead against mine, his breath still fanning across my flesh, and his lips stretched into a full smile, not his lopsided grin façade. “Does that answer your question?” he asked.