Believed (My Misery Muse) (14 page)

Chapter 24

Jules

I was already curled up with my sketchpad when the
guys boarded the bus.  Keaton and I had hung out, watching horror movies and
eating popcorn.  He was my kindred spirit. Both of us shared a love of adding
snow caps to our warm butter popcorn.  Having the popcorn melt the chocolate
slightly so you end up with this heavenly combination of warm rich chocolate
and salty popcorn.  It was the perfect addition while watching old B rated
horror flicks.

We parted ways before we fell asleep on the couch,
him to his bus and me to mine.  I had planned on curling up on my bunk and
sleeping only once I got here, I didn’t make it past the first captain’s
chair.  I had an idea in my head, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep until
I had it sketched out.

For Christmas, I had made these pick holders that
hung from necklaces for Jaks, Seth, and Sam.  I had an idea for something
similar, only this time in ring form.  I wanted to make it where it was
removable so you could wear it on a ring but also have a magnet so you could
attach it a mic stand.

I barely glanced up when I heard them come up the
stairs.  I’d hooked my iPod up to the bus’s stereo system and Framing Hanley’s
Built
for Sin
was playing loudly.  I grabbed the remote and turned up the volume
trying to cover the noise they were making. 
Vulnerable
by Secondhand
Serenade came on and I started singing along while continuing to work.  I just
wanted to get this finished before I passed out from exhaustion.

As I was singing along, my eyes left the paper in
front of me and landed on Sam.  The lyrics to this song resonated in me at this
particular moment.  It reminded me too much of Sam, and my feelings for him.  I
brushed away the tear that had fallen, because somewhere between when I met him
to this point, I had fallen in love with Sam.  And I realized how stupid of a
mistake that was.  He would be a repeat of my past once again, I would give him
my love, my heart, and he would leave.  He didn’t want what I had to give any
more than my mother or Beau did.

At some point my hope, my belief in fairy tales had
been destroyed.  I knew deep down that Sam would just reiterate that lesson. 
If not, when he realized what he held in his hands he would destroy it.  He
would tear down my castle walls; promise to be my prince charming.  To save me
from my dragons, only to let me down.  Maybe that was my fault, I knew in my
head that I had to be the one to slay my dragons.  My heart though still
yearned for someone to take care of me, to love me.

Once the song came to an end I turned off the
stereo, flipped my sketchbook shut, and sat it down beside the chair.  I got up
and headed back to my bunk.  I didn’t need anyone watch as my heart broke. 
Because I saw it in his eyes, I saw what he wasn’t willing to say clearly.  He
was sorry; he wished he could give me what I wanted.  Only he wasn’t able.  I
smiled sadly at him as I passed, I couldn’t blame him.  Why would he want me
when my own mother had so easily cast me away.

“Jules,” he called.

“It’s fine, Sam,” I murmured then went and laid
down on my bunk.  I made sure the curtain was closed before I curled into a
ball and cried softly.  I cried until sleep found me.

Sam

I watched as Jules retreated into the bunk area, I
wanted to go in there wrap around her and tell her I was sorry.  I wanted to
explain that I wanted nothing more than her.  I wanted her too much to actually
have her. I couldn’t do to her what my father did to my mother.  I couldn’t
live with myself if I hurt her like that.  Even though my mother didn’t know
yet what my father had done.  I know that when it comes out that it will
destroy her.  I care too much about Jules to take that risk.

“What was that?” X barked.

“Nothing,” I muttered.

“What is wrong with you?” he growled.

“You don’t understand.”

“Then make me understand?” He said quietly but I
could hear the rage in his voice.  “Make me understand why you just turned away
the best thing that could have ever happened to you.”

“I can’t.”

I walked away from him, from everyone.  I walked
as far away as I could, which being on a tour bus, wasn’t that far.  I would
normally go to the back bedroom only to get there I would have to pass Jules
bunk.  And I knew if I did that, I would end up with her in my arms making
promises I didn’t know if I could keep.

At this moment I hated my father more than ever; I
hated him for laying this on my shoulders.  I hated him for the decisions he
made.  I hated him because he was dying and planned to leave me the aftermath. 
Most of all I hated him because he destroyed an image I held, an image I had
wanted in my life.  The man I had once looked up to, had striven to emulate,
the perfect family, the happy life.  He destroyed it all with his selfish
decisions.

I sat in the captain’s chair Jules had just
vacated, spun it around, and grabbed the acoustic guitar I had sitting there. 
I turned on Bob Dylan’s
Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door
and started to play
along.  I focused on the simple chords losing myself in a story.  I escaped, if
not physically, emotionally and mentally from everyone around me and I played. 
I continued to play long after we had left Colorado Springs, after everyone
else had gone to bed.  I played until my fingers bled and I couldn’t play any
longer.  And I still couldn’t get far enough away.

Chapter 25

Jules

When I woke up, I rolled off my bunk right into
Ian’s feet.  He looked down at me and glared so I flipped him off.  I watched
from the floor of dirty clothes as he stomped away and I felt no remorse. 
Honestly, I didn’t feel much of anything.  I laid there and looked up at the
ceiling for a few minutes before I finally found the motivation to push myself
up.

I went to the bathroom and washed my face, not
that it did much good.  My eyes were puffy and blood shot, it wasn’t difficult
to tell that I had cried myself to sleep.  I shrugged it off, I’m sure everyone
realized what happened last night.  I went into the galley and sighed in relief
when I found a pot of coffee already made.

“Morning,” Seth called from the table.

I grunted and fixed a cup of coffee.  Then plodded
over to where Seth was sitting in front of his laptop.

“Skyping with Devi?”

“Yep,” he said.

“Can I talk to her?”

He looked over at me and smiled sadly. “Sure,”
then looked back at the screen.  “Babe, Jules wants to talk to you.”

She spun the laptop around and so it was facing
me.

“Hey honey,” Devi said softly.

“Is the offer of renting your old house still on
the table?” I asked ignoring her pitying looks.

She blinked. “Of course it is.”

“I want it.”

“It still needs some work, after what asshat did
to it when Mags was living there.”

I shrugged. “It’s fine, I don’t mind fixing it
up.”

“I can get someone.”

“No really, I want to do it.  You know make it my
own.”

“Yeah, I get it,” she said softly.

“How are you feeling?”

“Better,” she said smiling, “though the morning
sickness is still kicking my ass.”

She looked me over. “How are you?”

“Eh, I’ve had worse.”

She flinched and I felt bad for saying that. 
“Really, I’m okay.”

She sighed. “No, you’re not.”

“How are the kids?” I asked ignoring that
statement.  No use digging into what I am or wasn’t.  It wouldn’t change
anything.

“Jaks,” she sighed, “I am in so much trouble with
that boy.  He’s already scamming girls.”

“What did he do?”

She rolled her eyes. “So I went to pick him up
from school and this adorable little girl in his class came up to him all
giggly.  She whispered something in his ear and he looked at her, shrugged,
gave her Seth’s fucking smirk, then walked off. She followed Jaks every move
like a puppy.”

“Sounds like his daddy.”

“Don’t remind me, I remember Seth in high school. 
I am well and truly fucked.”

“It’ll be okay, he has X to learn from,” I said
giggling, she sat there her mouth gaping like a fish.  I waved bye and handed
Seth back his laptop.

We were in Albuquerque for tonight’s show, before
we headed to Tucson where there was a three-day break.  Though at this point I
really didn’t care.  I just wanted off that bus and away from the looks I was
getting.  So I went over to Warped Morality’s bus to see if Keaton was up and
about yet.

Lana was the one to open the door when I knocked,
it felt strange to knock on the door of a bus, but I wasn’t sure of the proper
protocol.  The idea of just pushing the button to open the doors and walking on
seemed wrong.

She eyed me up and down. “What do you want?”

“Keaton around?”

She narrowed her eyes at me. “Why?”

“Uh, because I want to talk to him.”

Thatcher stepped up behind Lana and grinned.
“Jules, what are you doing here?”

“Came to talk to Keaton.”

“Come on, he’s in here,” he said waving me on all
while ignoring the death glare Lana was giving him.

“Thanks,” I murmured stepping on the bus and
around Lana.  She huffed and stomped off the bus.

“She really does not like you.”

I shrugged. “Not my problem.”

He chuckled. “She’s got a thing for Seth.”

I snorted. “She’s either brave or stupid.”

He cocked his head to the side. “He wouldn’t be
the first married guy to fall to her charms.”

I shook my head. “He won’t fall, and if she
continues, she’ll have to deal with a pissed off, pregnant Devi.  And trust me,
no one wants to do that.”

He looked at me in shock. “Seth’s wife is
pregnant.”

“Yep.”

“Huh, haven’t seen that on TMZ yet.”

“Stop watching that shit, it’ll rot your brain,” I
told him then went in search of Keaton.

Sam

I was up early and out the door before anyone else
was awake.  I knew I was being a prick today, but I didn’t really care.  More
and more of the roadies were giving me a wide berth.  The last one that came up
to me, turned and sprinted the other direction when I snarled at him.  I hadn’t
slept well, the closer we got to Tucson the worse my mood was getting.

My phone rang and I had the urge to fling it
across the parking lot as far as I could but I knew that would cause more
issues than solve.

“What?” I growled.

“What the fuck is your problem?” An equally pissed
off Devi seethed.

“Don’t have time for your shit today, Devlin.”

“And I could give a flying fuck, Samuel.”

“I’d be nice, Sam,” Mags chirped. “She’s ready to
fly out there and light your ass on fire.”

“Shut up, Mags,” both Devi and I yelled at the
same time.

“I sent her out there so you guys could keep her
safe, not so she could be hurt further,” Devi growled.

I pinched the bridge of my nose and reminded
myself to breathe instead of yell at the pregnant lady.

“I never meant to hurt her.”

“But you did,” Ash said softly.

“Jeez, what the hell is this, the women in my life
staging an intervention?”

“Close,” Mags answered.

“What do you want me to do, Devi?”

“Make it right.”

“How?” I snapped back.

“Stop being a coward and do something about the
fact that you have feelings for her.  We all know you do, we’ve watched you
watch her for a fucking year now,” Devi yelled.

“It’s not that easy,” I yelled back.

“Yes it is, you pussy.”

“Devi,” Ash murmured, “calm down.”

“Ash, leave her alone, I want to watch her kick
the oaf’s ass,” Mags cackled.

“Both you bitches shut up,” Devi shouted.  “Sam,
she had better be happy when she gets back here or so help me, you will pay.”

With that, she was gone along with the other
bickering, nosey women.  All that was missing was a phone call from my mom to
tell me what a failure of a son I was for leaving at a time my family needs
me.  She didn’t mind me paying for my father’s medical expenses the insurance
didn’t cover.  Oh no, she expected that from me.  Only she failed to realize
that those checks are funded by me leaving and going on tour, or as she said
partying away the night with a bunch of loose women.

Nothing I did was ever good enough for anyone in
my life.

A roadie walked over to me and cleared his throat.
“Uhm, Sam, there’s a problem.”

I closed my eyes and counted to ten, and quickly
realized that wasn’t going to be long enough.

“Then fucking fix it,” I growled before turning
and heading for the bus.  Only to realize the last place I wanted to be was the
bus where Jules was.