Believed (My Misery Muse) (17 page)

Chapter 30

Jules

I strode away from Sam trying to look like I had
much more confidence that I actually felt, once I was certain the crowd had
swallowed me, I stopped and took a deep breath.  Ash had given me a pep talk on
the ride over here and she told me to look cool, calm, and unaffected.  How the
hell was I supposed to do that when Sam looked at me like he wanted to tear my
dress off with his teeth, I had no clue.  This wasn’t me, I wasn’t a sex kitten
type girl.  I was a covered in graphite, cursing, beer-drinking, jean-wearing
girl, I knew how to be that girl.  The idea of changing that girl just to
appeal to a man had never sat well with me, and yet here I was doing exactly
that.

The more I thought about it and the less this
whole evening appealed to me.  I had just decided that I was going to go back
to the hotel, take a hot shower, and forget about it.  If he didn’t want me for
me then he wasn’t worth it.  No one was worth losing myself over, that scared
little sixteen–year-old girl who was looking for someone to validate them was
long gone.  I turned to head back out the door I’d only recently entered, when
someone snagged me around the hips.

I turned ready to introduce someone’s balls into
my knee only to realize it was Thatcher.

“Well Jules, you clean up well,” he yelled over
the music.

“Thanks,” I yelled back.

He let go of my hips and latched onto my wrist
yanking me into the swarm of dancers. “Come on.”

“I was about to leave.”

“Why?”

“This isn’t my scene.”

He leaned down so we could talk without screaming.
“One night, come on, just let go and try something different.”

I eyed Thatcher and nodded, one night of hanging
out with friends dancing wouldn’t kill me.  It could end up being fun, and I
would be doing it for me and not to get Sam’s attention.

He pulled me into a group of people dancing on the
floor, stepped up beside me putting his hands on the exposed skin, and began to
move to the song.  I quickly fell into the movement and lost myself in the
heavy beat. 

“I think her left breast is about to fall out of
her dress,” Thatcher said in my ear and gestured to a woman who did look like
she was about to flash everyone.  I giggled and nodded.

I started people watching and pointing out
different people on the floor with Thatcher, both of us were laughing while
trying to dance.  I’m sure we looked like idiots but I didn’t care.

“Is he trying to eat her face?” I asked pointing
out a couple in front of us.

“I think he lost his gum.”

“In her tonsils?”

He laughed pressing his face against my neck.  I
was turning my head to say something about one of the dancers a few feet ahead
of me but Thatcher was gone.  I turned around and found a pissed off Sam and
Thatcher glaring at one another.

I stepped forward to get in the middle of them and
tell Sam he could go to hell when someone grabbed me once again.

“I am getting really fucking tired of being
manhandled!” I yelled. I turned around and punched X in the face.

“Shit,” he cried putting his hand on his eyes.
“What the hell, Jules?”

“I am not a god damn rag doll to be dragged
around,” I yelled back.

I turned and headed towards Sam. “I’m also not a
shiny fucking toy to be fought over,” I yelled.

“Thatch, you okay?” I asked eyeing him up and
down.  He nodded and I turned to look at Sam.

“What is your problem?” I growled stepping forward
into his space.  “You don’t want me; you’ve made that perfectly clear, so leave
me the fuck alone.”

“Jules,” he groaned.

“No, you don’t get to play games with me.” I
turned and glared at everyone then walked away.  I pushed through the crowds
and out the door and climbed into one of the awaiting cabs.  I told him the
hotel and sat back seething at the men in my life. They were all asshats.

Sam

“That could have gone better,” Eli said as we
watched Jules hightail it out of the club.

I turned and glared at Thatcher taking a step
forward. “Woah,” Seth said into my ear, “that’s enough for tonight.”  He shoved
me towards the door roughly. “Let’s go.”

We all stumbled outside and I took a breath of
air. It was warm here but nowhere near the heat that was in the club.

“Next time you decide to piss her off,” X drawled,
“could you please warn me, I’ll make sure to duck.”

I looked at him, ready to snap at him but drew up
short. “What the hell happened to you?”

Eli snickered beside him. “Jules punched him in
the eye.”

“That woman has a mean right hook,” he grumbled.

“Let’s go, Casanova,” Seth called opening the door
to the SUV we had arrived in.  I climbed into the very back and settled into
the corner.  I knew I was being a petulant ass but I was still pissed off. 
Seeing someone with their hands on her, whispering in her ear, making her
laugh, it just broke something in me.  Next thing I know I’m ripping Thatcher
away from her ready to beat his ass.

“Want to explain what that was?”  X asked.

“Not really.”

“Too bad,” he growled.

I turned and looked out the window watching the
city pass us by.

“Sam?”

“What, Xavier?”

“What’s going on with you?”

“Nothing.”

“You are a dumbass,” X turned and looked back at
me. “If you want her then do something about it, but stop stringing her along.”

“I’m not stringing her along,” I yelled.

“Then what are you doing?” he yelled back.

“I don’t know.  I don’t know what I want.”

“Bullshit,” he clipped out. “You’re just too
fucking scared to go for what you want.”

“You don’t get it,” I gritted out.

“Then make me understand.” He put his hands out,
“because from where I’m sitting you look like a pussy.”

“I’ve got too much… there is too much,” I
screamed. “Between the band, the new label, the old label, my family, my dad
dying, his fucking secrets—” I stopped suddenly and looked at Xavier’s ashen
face.  “There is not enough of me to go around, do you get it now?  I can’t be
who she needs me to be; I can’t give her what she wants.”

He snorted. “We’ll be discussing some of this in a
minute, but let’s get to your asinine statement first.  Have you even talked to
her about what she wants?  No, you haven’t, you’ve assumed once again that you
know best, that it’s your job to take care of everything.  If you haven’t
noticed Jules can take care of herself.”

“Really, then why has her ex been beating on her
and stealing from her for who knows how long?”

I looked at the members of my band hoping someone
could explain it to me.  The only thing that makes sense to me is that she’s
still in love with the prick, and if that’s the case then this whole thing is
for naught anyway.

“If you don’t see why then you don’t know her,”
Seth finally answered.  “Jules is a caregiver, she wants everyone to be happy.
She was trying to help him. Yeah, it was in the wrong way.  Only that’s Jules,
she will put herself second every time as long as it’s helping someone she
cares for.  It spiraled out of control, it went to a place she didn’t know how
to handle, and she was ashamed.”  He looked over at me and stared me in the
eyes. “And you’re an idiot.”

The rest of the trip to the hotel was quiet, until
we reached our floor.  Everyone headed into the suite Seth and I were sharing.

“Your dad’s dying?” X asked.

I nodded. “He is.”

Seth went to the mini fridge, pulled out four
bottles of beer, and passed them out. “How long have you known?”

“He and Mom made an announcement after Christmas
dinner.  He has stage four pancreatic cancer, has for almost a year now but
they didn’t think we needed to know.  Instead they waylaid us after opening
Christmas presents then expected us to go about eating dessert like nothing was
amiss.”

“Damn,” X whispered.

“Why didn’t you tell us?” Seth demanded.

“Didn’t want you guys to worry.”

He snorted. “That was, I don’t even know what to
say about that, Sam.”

“You and X are close to him, you look at him like
a father figure.  I didn’t want this over-clouding the tour.”

“No, instead you keep it all bottled in, then try
to work yourself to death. That’s a great way to deal,” Seth seethed.

“Back off,” Jules growled from the doorway.  She
pointed at Seth. “You have no room to talk about keeping secrets.  I get that
you’re all upset but bitching him out will not make it all better, Sam, as dumb
as it was, thought he was doing the right thing.”

“Jules,” Seth began.

“Nuh uh,” she wagged a finger at him, “I don’t
want to hear it.”  She turned towards me. “Sam, I’m so sorry about your dad, if
you need anything let me know.”

I nodded my head stunned by her support, her
ability to stand up for me after the stunt I pulled tonight.  “Jules I’m—”

She held out her hand. “I’m going to bed, ‘night
everyone.”

I watched as she retreated from me once again
tonight. “I screwed up,” I mumbled.

“Yeah,” all three chorused. I flipped them off,
set my beer on the table, and followed Jules to her room.

Chapter 31

Jules

I was lying in the bed trying to talk myself into
getting out of this dress and taking a shower.  I didn’t want to move though. I
was tired, my feet hurt, and men sucked.  I wanted to be angry with Sam; I
wanted hate him, but I couldn’t.  As much as I tried I couldn’t make myself
hate the ass, instead I was worried about him.  I knew he was taking too much
on, had been for a while. I knew his dad being sick was taking its toll yet he
never let on.  All I wanted to do was wrap him up in my arms and hold him, I
wanted him to know I was there for him.  I was a colossal idiot.

I heard my bedroom door open then close softly. I
groaned and rolled over onto my stomach.  It was easier than picking up my head
at the moment to see who had come into my temporary inner sanctum.  I shouldn’t
have been surprised to see Sam standing there watching me but I was.

“What do you want?”

He took a hesitant step towards the bed. “To say
I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

He laughed bitterly. “For tonight, for not
speaking up the other night when I should have, for a lot of things, Jules.”

I rested my chin on my crossed arms and watched
him.  I took him in from head to toe, taking my fill like I was starving and he
was a piece of chocolate cheesecake.  I wanted this man; I had for a long
time.  Hell, I was attracted to him the first time I saw him while I was
sitting on the deck at Devi’s old house, drinking margaritas while I was
grossly underage.  Only I had Beau at the time, and I knew that nothing would
ever come of the attraction.  I was so naive thinking Beau was it for me,
ignoring everything that was going on around me.

“Did I tell you, you looked beautiful tonight?”

“No,” I said softly.

“You did, you do, when I saw you standing there
with Seth you took my breath away.”

I smiled. “That’s a cheesetastic line you have
there.”

He smiled that lopsided smile and my heart beat
doubled.  I loved that smile though he rarely used it, which was unfortunate,
well considering what it did to my body maybe it was a good thing.  If he used
it more often, I probably would have succumbed to heart failure before now.

“You looked gorgeous,” he murmured.

“But?” I could hear the but at the end of the
sentence.

He shook his head slowly. “But you didn’t look
like you.”

“That’s because I was dressed up like Ho Barbie.”

He laughed. “Ho Barbie, huh?”

I nodded. “Devi’s idea.”

“Ah should have known,” he muttered.  “I didn’t
like it, the way you were dressed.  You looked gorgeous, but you always do.”

“So what didn’t you like?”

“I missed you looking like you.”

He had been slowly making his way to my bed as we
talked, and I hadn’t realized it.  When he sat down beside me, it surprised
me.  When he ran the tips of his fingers down my exposed back, I nearly
moaned.  It felt like an electric current was running just under my skin with
that one single touch.

“This is amazing,” he whispered.

“Hmm?” I asked not really caring as long as he
kept touching me.

“Who did your back piece?”

“Cris did the galaxy, Devi did the angel and
birds, Max did the rest.”

I closed my eyes and basked in the feeling of his
finger running along my skin.

“When did you get it?”

“I was eighteen.  It was my graduation present.”

“And this?” he asked running his fingers down my
arm.

“Cris, a year ago.”

He ran the pads of his fingers down my arm
following the clocks and gears that ran down my left arm his calluses scraping
across my skin sending a delicious friction through my body.

“
For time and the world do not
stand still. Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or
the present are certain to miss the future,
” he murmured tracing the words inked
into my skin.

“John F. Kennedy,” I muttered.

“Is that a tardis?” He asked and I could hear the
amusement laced in his voice.

“I’m a geek at heart.”

“And this one?” He asked reaching for my other
arm.

“Devi,” I looked over and watched as he followed
the lines of the brick road that started at my wrist and led to the fairy tale
castle on my upper arm.

“Fairy tales are more than true: not because they
tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be
beaten.  Who said this?”

“G. K. Chesterton.”

“Wise man.”

“Any others?”

“One.”

“Where?”

I rolled over onto my back so I could show him my
left thigh. “Max did this one.”

He followed the lines of my blood pudding tattoo
with his eyes. “Alice from Alice in Wonderland?”

I bit my lip and nodded as he ran his fingers down
my thigh.

“Sexy,” he murmured.

“Thank you.”

He ran his fingers lightly from my thigh up my
hips and onto the exposed skin of my ribs.  I sucked in a breath and held it
while I watched his eyes follow the path of his fingers.  He slowly ran his a
fingernail over the side of my breast and I closed my eyes letting the breath
out.

My eyes flew open when I felt his lips brush my
neck, and I shuddered when he placed a soft kiss on my jaw.  His lips dragged
across my cheek until he pressed them softly to my lips causing my eyes to
flutter closed.  We stayed there for what felt like infinity, our lips barely
touching, breathing each other in.  Neither of us willing to take it farther
nor wanting to break the contact we shared.

Finally, he pressed a soft kiss to my bottom lip then
pulled away.  Instantly I mourned the loss of his touch, his warmth.

“Put on some comfortable clothes,” he whispered in
my ear, then stood and walked out of the room.  I laid there for a few minutes
before forcing myself up on shaky legs to do as he said.

Sam

I had to get out of that room before things went
further than they should tonight.  I leaned against the door of my bedroom and
adjusted my hard-on.  I wanted to slowly peel that dress from her body and kiss
every inch of her skin.  I wanted to her to wrap those incredible legs around
me as I pressed into her body the first time.  I wanted a lot of things, but I
knew tonight wasn’t the night.  When I made love to Jules for the first time it
would not be after a fight, it would not be with the shadows that I caused in
her eyes.

I quickly stripped my clothes off and pulled on a
pair of well-worn pajama pants and a T-shirt.  Then I padded back to her room
barefoot and lightly tapped on the door.  She opened the door and smiled.
“You’re back.”

I nodded mutely taking her in.  Her hair was wet
from a shower, her make-up was gone, and she was in a pair of capri pants with
skeletons dancing on them.  She wore  a tight white tank top that I could see
her areolas through had me transfixed to the point I had to remind myself to
breathe.

“You coming in?”

At this point, I wasn’t sure if that was the
smartest idea. “Yeah,” I said hoarsely.

She turned and walked back to her bed. I watched
her hips sway and the pull of fabric across her ass.  I adjusted myself again
then followed her into the room closing the door behind me.

She sat cross-legged on the bed against the
headboard and watched me interestedly.

I sat on the down on the bed facing her. “I
thought we should talk.”

I watched transfixed as she spun her labret around
in circles. “What did you want to talk about?”

“You.”

She nodded. “What about me?”

“I’m worried that it’s not really me you want.”

“What do you mean?”

“You just got out of a relationship—” I started.

“Beau and I have been over for a long time,” she
interrupted.

“That may be but he never really left your life.”

She sighed. “You want to know what happened?”

“Yeah, I guess I do.”

We sat in the quiet for a while both of us staring
at each other until she cleared her throat and looked away.

“I met Beau when I was seventeen; he was a friend
of Devi’s from art school.  We were friends, he was this amazing painter and
sculptor, and he helped me with my sketching.  When I was nineteen, we made the
jump from friends to lovers.  He wasn’t like the other guys I’d been with; he
was actually interested in me as a person not just a vagina with legs.”  She
looked up at me and blushed. “Sorry, uhm, yeah, I was not a good person for a
long time.”

“I get it.” I really did. I wasn’t as
anti-groupies at one point in my life. They were accessible and I took great
pleasure in that access.  Not something I was proud of, but not something I
could change either.

“He was kind to me when very few were.  He watched
me as I struggled from being an angry teenager that was hell bent on destroying
everything in my path to someone I could like.  He didn’t judge me and I loved
him for that.  I don’t think I was ever in love with him though,” she mused. 
“We were together for like six months and moved in together, that’s when I
noticed him taking pills.  He said they were to help him stay awake so he could
finish pieces without losing his muse.  That all artists used something to help
them with the creative process.  I shrugged it off. What did I know?  Only
things escalated, it went from the occasional pick me up to him snorting
lines.  When I walked in on him smoking meth, I was done, I refused to be
around it.  I had already fought my own demons and being around that wasn’t
healthy for me, so I packed up and left.”

I watched as she fiddled with a loose string in
her pants for a few quiet minutes.  “I tried to stay his friend. I wanted to
help him get better.  Only he didn’t want that, he stopped painting; he stopped
everything except the drugs.  When he ran out of money, he got desperate and
came to me begging.  He said he’d stop, that he’d get help if I would just give
him some money until he could get into rehab.  I knew he was lying to me, but I
wanted to believe him so I gave it to him.  He came back a week later the same sob
story, when I told him
no,
he yelled and threatened me then took some
cash from my wallet.  Things just progressed until he hit me.”  She wiped her
eyes and looked up at me. “I told Max and he moved me into your apartment. 
Only Beau started following me around and he’d corner me when I was least
expecting him and alone.  He’d hurt me, take some money then leave for a
while.  I didn’t know what to do.”

“It wasn’t your fault,” I said quietly taking her
small hand into my calloused one.

“I lied to Max and told him I hadn’t seen him
since I moved into your place.  I didn’t want anyone to know how weak I was. 
Except Max saw him hanging around the shop, then he broke into your apartment. 
I am so, so sorry about that.”

“Shh,” I whispered and wiped the tears from her
cheeks.  “You aren’t weak, Jules.”

She smiled grimly at me. “I let my ex beat me up
for money to buy drugs.”

“Did you fight back?”

“Of course.”

“What he did was wrong. You did nothing wrong. You
are not weak.”

“We’ll just have to agree to disagree.”

I shook my head at this beautiful, vulnerable
woman. “Fine, but I see the strength you possess.”