Believed (My Misery Muse) (18 page)

Chapter 32

Jules

“Want to know the worst thing?” I asked looking
down at our entangled fingers.  “The worst thing is that he broke something in
me, and I don’t think it can be fixed.”

“He may have bruised you, but he did not break
you,” Sam said and I could hear the strength of conviction in his words.

“He took my ability to believe from me.”

“What do you mean?”

“I used to have belief that things would work
out.  That sometimes fairy tales come true, that a knight in tarnished armor
would show up in my life at some point, only now I know that’s not true.  I
know that what I see around me with my friends will never be my reality.”

“Jules,” he whispered sadly.

“I want to say it’s okay, but it’s really not.  I
didn’t want much. I just wanted someone to see the value in me.  I wanted
someone to see something in me that was worth being emotionally invested in.  I
never expected perfection. I know perfection is a myth.”

He pulled me into his lap, wrapped his arms around
me, and held me tight.  “If I could I would make it all go away, I’d give that
back to you,” he whispered into my neck.

“Can you just hold me?  I just want someone to
hold me.  I’m tired of being alone.”

He rearranged us so we were both lying on the bed
then wrapped his warm body around mine.  For the first time in a long time I
felt safe, it was an amazing thing.

He pressed a kiss to the nape of my neck. “Will
you go someplace with me tomorrow?”

I turned my head to look at his face, he sounded
so nervous when he’d asked.  I nodded my head and the look of relief on his
face was like a weight had been lifted.

“Thank you,” he murmured before pressing a chaste
kiss to my lips. “Sleep,
angelito mio.”

And for the first time in a long
time, I fell asleep feeling hopeful.

I awoke and I knew I was alone. I reached my hand
across the bed just to reaffirm to my sleepy brain.  I snuggled further into
the comforter I was cocooned in and tried to go back to sleep.  Except it
didn’t work, so I eventually gave up on the idea and stretched my body like a
cat.  I rolled across the bed to unwrap myself from the blankets when I heard a
crinkling noise.  Once I had regained the use of my limbs, I dug around until I
pulled out a piece of hotel stationery.

Good morning cover hog,

I had to leave to get some work done, but I’ll be
back later.  Don’t forget you agreed to go someplace with me later today. 
Order yourself some room service and spend the day relaxing.

Yours,

Sam

I squealed and reread the end, he signed it
yours
. 
I wasn’t sure how to take that. I knew how my heart wanted to read it but my
head was screaming to let it go and not read too much into it.  I read the
letter once more then tucked it under my pillow before getting out of bed.  I
couldn’t fight the smile on my face no matter how much my mind was telling me
to be realistic.

I ended up taking Sam’s advice and ordered in
blueberry pancakes and bacon.  Then curled up on the couch in the living room
and lost myself while rereading “The Bite that Binds” by Suzanne Wright.  I was
in love with this story, and this was the fifth time I’d read the book.  The
characters were amazing, and I wanted to grow up to be the female lead.

When the guys came back a few hours later I was
halfway in and biting my nails.  The sexual energy between the characters was
addicting, and I wanted to continue reading even though I knew how it ended. 
Sometimes I wished I could go back and read a book again for the first time.  I
finished the chapter and set my Kindle on the side table.

“How was your day?” I asked the group.

They groaned in unison and sprawling across the
furniture in the living room.

“That good, huh?”

“Normal interview and photo session,” Eli
grumbled. “Just shy of waterboarding and having your nails removed by pliers.”

I bit my lip to stifle my laughter, all four of
them looked so put out.

“What’d you do?” X mumbled.

“Ate breakfast and read,” I said grinning over at
Sam.

“That’s not fair,” X whined.

“We need to head out soon,” Sam said.

I nodded. “I just need to put some shoes on.”

I got up and went to my room to slip on a pair of
flip-flops and grab a hair tie.  Then headed back out into the living room.

“Ready when you are.”

He stood up. “Be back later,” he told everyone
then walked over and grabbed my hand leading me out of the suite.

Sam

I guided Jules up the aluminum bleachers towards
the top where we blended in but were still by ourselves.  I had a backwards
baseball cap and sunglasses on hoping that no one would notice me.  I really
didn’t want to be outed today for more than one reason.

We sat down and I searched the field looking for
him.  I’d never seen him in person before. Hell, up until a few months ago, I
didn’t even know he existed.  I finally spotted his number standing on the
pitching mound. He was focused on the batter so intently that I didn’t think
anything else existed for him outside that bubble.

“I’m not complaining,” Jules said eyes on the
baseball diamond in front of us, “but is there a reason we’re at a high school
baseball game?”

I took a deep breath then let it out slowly. “Yes,
you see the pitcher?”

“Uh huh.”

“He’s my brother.”

Her head whipped around and she stared at me her
eyes huge and mouth hanging open. “What was that?”

I sighed and rubbed the back of my neck. “His name
is Jordan Lawry, Jor for short.  He is sixteen years old and my brother.”

“How?  When?  How?”

“My dad is his father. He has another family
here.  He and Jor’s mom have been together for eighteen years. My mom doesn’t know.” 
I took a deep breath trying not to let the anger and betrayal show. “He has
other offices spread across the southwest for his construction company.  He has
been spending his time for years divided between the offices, now I know why. 
He wasn’t going to the different locations, he was coming here to be with
them.”

“Fuck,” she whispered looking pale.

“He told me the same night he announced that he
was dying. He hasn’t told them yet.  He wanted me to stop by while I was on
tour and he asked me to make sure that they are taken care of.”  I knew I
sounded robotic when I spoke but I had to cut myself off from the emotions or I
was going to hit something. 

“Does Max know?”

“No, no one knows.”

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath then
reached grabbing my hand, holding on tight, I squeezed her hand back.  It was a
relief to tell this to someone else, to have someone here with me.

“You’re telling them today?”

I nodded my head while watching my half-brother
pitch a strike.

“You want to know the worst part?”  She didn’t say
anything, but she didn’t need to.  I knew she would listen to everything I
needed to say.  “He didn’t ask me to take care of my mother; his concern was
his other family.  He never mentioned Max or Mom in his whole spiel about
taking care of family and how I’d be the man of the family when he was gone.” 
I looked over at Jules. “He said do me proud boy and take care of my family,
but he wasn’t referencing us.  He was talking about them.”

“I really want to slap your father,” she muttered
under her breath.

I laughed because I understood it.  When I stood
in his office after everyone had left and listened to him I wanted to hit him. 
Only you didn’t hit a man dying of cancer no matter how badly he deserved it. 
He never thought about what this would do to my mother. He didn’t think about
how this would affect Max and me.  I sat there and listened to him talk about
his son, Jordan, and what a great boy he was, and how beautiful his mom was. 
And for the first time I didn’t respect my father. I didn’t know this man. The
man I grew up with would not do this to his family.  He and my mother loved
each other. My mom devoted her life to taking care of him and us.  They snuck
kisses in the kitchen when they didn’t think we were looking, and in his confession,
he shredded my reality.

We both sat quietly watching the game, watching
this unknown entity that had entered my life.  I didn’t know if he knew who I
was or who I was to him.  I didn’t know if his mom knew she was the other
woman, that he had a different life with a different woman and different
children.  Did she care that she had taken something that was not hers to
take?  I never asked my dad any questions when we were in that office, I was
barely able to breathe.  I hadn’t been back to the house since then, I couldn’t
look the man in the face after his confession.  I couldn’t talk to my mom
without the threat of letting everything that I kept bottled in out.

“He shouldn’t have put this on you.” Jules said
softly.  “This isn’t yours to bear.”

“But he did.”

“And for that alone the man never deserved you.”

I closed my eyes and let her belief in me dull the
pain.  Because under it all I wanted to know why I wasn’t enough for him.  How
had I failed at being a son? I couldn’t pinpoint the moment where I was tossed
aside. 

“Your mom didn’t deserve you either,” I whispered.

I loved Jules for the simple fact that I didn’t
have to explain how I was feeling—she got it.  She understood better than
anyone else ever would.  I was happy she was with me now, because today would
probably have killed me without her quiet strength beside me.

Chapter 33

Jules

I gripped Sam’s hand tightly while we walked down
the bleachers after the game had ended.  I was still in shock from what Sam had
shared with me.  I wasn’t sure how to wrap my mind around the idea that his
father had a second family.  I had always respected the man, envied the
relationship he had with his wife, and to find out it was all an illusion, it
gutted me.  I couldn’t even guess how Sam was handling that.

My foot caught on the last step and I fell
forward, Sam quickly grabbed my waist before I plummeted head first into the
concrete.

“You have to be more careful,” he whispered in my
ear before setting me firmly on the ground.

“It’s not like I try to fall on my ass,” I
muttered.

He smiled down at me then wrapped an arm securely
around my waist. “Let’s get this over with.”

“Is his mom here?”

“Yeah, I saw her sitting on the first row.”

“What’s your plan?”

“To walk up to her and tell her that the sorry sack
of shit that she’s been with the majority of my life is about to die. Have a
nice day.”

I stopped walking. “Excuse me?”

“What would you have me say, Jules?  I don’t owe
this lady shit.”

“No, but it’s not the kid’s fault.”

“No it’s not, but is hers.”

“No, Sam, they both played their part in it but
there is no reason to be cruel.”

“Me, I’m being cruel?  Do you realize that I’ve
tormented myself for months thinking back to everything my dad missed so he
could be here with them?  He missed football games, birthdays, Christmases, my
first show, the day we signed our first record deal.  Why? Because he was here
with them.  Can you understand what that feels like?”

I scoffed. “Yeah, Sam, I can, I know exactly what
that feels like.  Only here is the difference, he didn’t leave you.  He stayed
around, now am not I saying what he did was right—fuck no.  Just remember that
this boy is as innocent in this as you are. He didn’t ask to be thrown into
this mess any more than you did.”

“What do you want me to do?” He asked sounding
defeated.

“I want you to be the kind, amazing man I know you
are.”

He looked down at me. “I don’t want to be.”

“I get that, which is why it will make you the
better person.”

“I don’t want to be the better person,” he
muttered. “I want to be an asshole.”

“But you won’t be an asshole, will you?” I asked
smiling sweetly up at him.

“No,” he muttered.

“Good, let’s go.”

I reached for his hand and pulled him in the
direction of the parking lot. “Let’s get this over with, then we can go find
something to do that will take your mind off this.”

“Not likely.”

I rolled my eyes at his petulant pout and held his
hand as we walked out to the parking lot, where hopefully they still were.  I
didn’t think going to their house would be a good idea.  The thought of Sam
going to the second home his dad had shared with another woman made me shiver. 
No, definitely not a good idea.

I spotted the jersey of the boy and grinned.  He
was kissing rather lewdly a girl, leaning her against a car door while rubbing
against her.

“Huh, he…” I giggled, “…definitely takes after his
brothers.”

“Hush,” Sam said but I could hear the amusement in
his voice.

Jordan lifted his head and I sucked in a breath.
“Damn,” I whispered.  I looked up at Sam then back at Jordan. “He looks…” I
stuttered.

“Yep.”

“That’s just uncanny.”

“We both look like our dad.”

“He’s like a carbon copy of you,” I murmured. 
“Except the eyes,” I noticed, “you have your mother’s eyes.”

“He and Max have dad’s eyes,” he said quietly.

“We need to find his mother,” I whispered.

Sam pulled his eyes away from his brother and
scanned the parking lot. “Over there,” he nodded toward a woman.

I looked in the direction and saw a woman standing
in a group of parents talking, laughing, and smiling.  I almost felt bad for
her and what was to come.

“What are you doing here?” An angry voice
disrupted my perusal of the woman. 

“Hello Jordan, I’m Sam,” Sam said smoothly.

“I know who you are,” he spit out.  “Why are you
here?”

“I need to talk to you and your mom,” he said
coolly.

“Leave her alone,” he nearly yelled.

Sam tilted his head and took Jordan in. “I would,
only this is important.”

“I said, leave her alone,” Jordan seethed.

“Sam?” A woman said and I realized that the boy’s
mother had joined us.

“Clare,” Sam growled.

I looked between Sam, Jordan and Clare and sighed.
“Why don’t we take this someplace a little more private?” I gestured towards
the prying eyes that surrounded us.  “I’m sure none of us want this to be
public knowledge,” I said eyeing the woman.

I watched as Clare gnawed on her bottom lip
apparently trying to make a decision before nodding her head.  She grabbed her
son’s arm and walked towards a building on the other side of the parking lot. 
I reached down and laced my fingers with Sam’s. “It’ll be okay,” I told him softly.

He nodded once then followed.

Sam

We walked into the athletic building and watched
them stop at an office.

“Coach,” Clare said, “would you mind if we used
one of the empty conference rooms?”

The man smiled widely. “Of course not, Clare.”

“Thank you,” she murmured then walked down the
hall opening a door and gesturing us to enter.

I looked down at Jules; she squeezed my fingers
and nodded.  I took a deep breath and entered the room.  It was a simple room
with a viewing screen for game footage and long table in the center.

I pulled Jules into my side wrapping an arm around
her shoulders and holding her tight to me.  I needed her here with me and close
or I wouldn’t be able to get this out.

“How are you, Sam?” Clare asked quietly.  I looked
over the woman who my father chose to destroy his family with; she was younger
than my mom was.  I knew she worked in his office here and they’d been together
nearly twenty years. 

Her question finally penetrated the fog that had
surrounded me and I laughed bitterly. “I’m great.”

“Sam,” Jules admonished.

“This is Jules,” I said as way of introduction.

“What do you want?” Jordan yelled.  “Why are you
showing up now?”

I looked over at the kid. “My father asked me to,”
I said simply.

“He’s my father too,” the kid growled.

“So I recently learned…”  I took a deep breath.
“He told me about you, both of you on Christmas.”

The kid scoffed. “Yeah, well I’ve known about you
my whole life.”

“Why did he send you?” Clare asked softly.

I pulled Jules closer to my body. “He’s dying,” I
said simply.

Tears flooded Clare’s eyes at my words. “Uhm, can
you give me a moment?” She asked then fled from the room.

I looked at my angry brother and I felt a pang in
my chest at his pale face. 

I watched as he visibly pulled himself together.
“What do you mean he’s dying?”

“He has stage four pancreatic cancer.”

“Can’t they do something to help?” He asked and I
was reminded how young he really is by the catch in his voice.

“He’s been through some treatments for it, only
the chance of survival is slim.  It’s also fast moving. There isn’t anything
they can do but keep him comfortable.”

“Where is he?”

“Home,” I said simply.

“In Dallas?”

I nodded. “In Dallas.”

“I’m going to go check on Clare,” Jules said
softly then walked out of the room.

“I was at your show last night,” Jordan said while
kicking the dirt off his cleats.

“You were?” I asked a bit surprised.

“Yeah,  some friends and I went.”

“Huh.”

“Is she your girlfriend?”

“Jules?”

“Yeah.”

I rubbed the back of my neck. “I’m not sure what
she is, things are complicated right now.”

He grinned at me. “Isn’t everything with girls
complicated?”

I barked out a laugh. “This is true.”

“What makes things complicated?”

“Honestly, I was an ass to her.  I’m still being
an ass to her.”

“So stop.”

“It’s not always that simple, she deserves
something I’m not sure I can give.”

He nodded. “What’s Max like?”

I smiled. “Max is Max.  He’s one of the kindest
people you will ever meet, but he’s goofy.”

“He’s not goofy,” Jules said walking back in the
room, Clare following.  “He’s misunderstood,” she said smirking.

“I’d like to meet him sometime,” Jor said softly.

Jules smiled at the kid. “I’m sure he would like
that; he’s always wanted a little brother to harass.”

I bit my lip to keep from snapping at her.  It
wasn’t her place to tell the kid things like that.

“Max broods less than he does,” Jules said
pointing at me.

“I want to see him,” Clare demanded.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. This
wasn’t going to go well.  “He doesn’t want to see you,” I said quietly.

She sniffled. “I don’t believe you.”

I reached into my back pocket and pulled the
letter out that my dad had wanted me to give her. “Here, this is for you.”  I
watched as she took it gingerly, her tears freefalling from her face and I
almost felt bad for her.  Then I pictured my mother’s face... No, if she found
out about this, it would devastate her.

“He has a life insurance policy with Jordan set as
the benefactor.  It’s enough for him to go to college and set him up after he
graduates for a few years.”  I looked over at Jordan. “You’ll also inherit a
portion of the company, but the bulk of my father’s half goes to my mother. 
Once my mother passes, it splits equally between you, Max, and me.  Our uncle
has three children, all three of them are actively employed at the company and
have already made it known they would like to buy Max and me out.”

I looked over at the stunned kid and felt bad for
him. “You’ll be taken care of. If you want to be a part of the company, no one
will stop you.  If you don’t, you have the option of selling your portion and
walking away with a nice nest egg.”

“I don’t know what I want,” Jordan said watching
his mom. “I can’t think about this now.”

“I know, trust me.”  I reached into my pocket and
pulled out two business cards. “This is my card. It has my personal cell on it,
call me if you need anything.”  I handed it over. “The other card is for the
band’s manager, if you can’t get ahold of me for whatever reason call Drake,
he’ll know where I am.”

“He doesn’t want us to go to Dallas,” Clare wailed
miserably.  “Why doesn’t he want us with him?” She cried.

I just wanted to get out of here. I hated my dad
more than ever at this moment.  Jordan wrapped his arms around his mother and
whispered in her ear.  She held him tightly sobbing into his shoulder.

“Jordan,” Jules said softly, “we’re going to
leave. I don’t think us being here will help.”

He nodded his head and blinked away some tears.

“I have your mom’s cell number, and I’ll call
soon.  If you need anything or just want to talk call me, okay?”  She murmured.

“Thank you,” he choked out.

I gripped Jules hand, following her out of the
room, out of the building, and finally making it to the safety of our car.