Bend Me, Break Me (11 page)

“And what else is in the ‘like’ column?” He chuckled a little and the sound warmed me from the inside. He had such an effect on me, just with his voice.

“Green tea,
Justified
, purple pens, pizza, the color blue, books, stupid gifts, me teasing you.” My mouth dropped open. I wished I could see his face to see if he was joking or not.

“I don’t like it when you tease me,” I said. He laughed again, a deep sound that made my insides quiver and twist around each other.

“Yes you do. Because you have to stop yourself from smiling and laughing when I do.” I almost dropped the phone. I’d been such an idiot to think that he wouldn’t notice that about me. Stupid. So stupid. It was shocking he hadn’t said anything about it until now.

“That’s not true,” I said, lying to both of us.

“My observations say the opposite.” I didn’t want to argue with him. Not about this. “Anyway, are you absolutely sure about the party?”

“Yes. I am.” I ground my teeth together so hard they made a sound.

“Okay then. I’ll see you tomorrow.” I didn’t want the conversation to end, even though he was irritating, but I couldn’t think of what else to say so I had to let him go.

“See you tomorrow.”

I was a little nervous when I showed up outside her door. I hadn’t seen her place yet. It was shocking that she even said I could come here. I never thought she would. I knocked and took a deep breath.

Her feet shuffled to the door and I could tell she was staring at me through the peephole. The door opened and there she was. Every time I saw her again, she knocked me out.

“Hi,” she said, leaning on the door.

“Hey,” I said, holding up the bags filled with vegan sushi and vegan red velvet cupcakes. I’d also brought my backpack with homework in case she wanted to do that.

“You didn’t have to do that.” She hadn’t moved back to let me in yet. It was a toss-up as to which one of us was more nervous about this.

“I know. I wanted to.” She seemed to shake herself and stepped back.

“Come in.”

Oh, wow. Her room was tiny. Microscopic. The first thing I noticed was her bookshelves crammed with leather-bound classics. I had the feeling those weren’t her books and she’d gotten them from someone else. Inherited them.

“So this is it,” she said, gesturing at the space. There really wasn’t even enough floor space for us to both sit and eat, so we’d have to use her bed as a couch and table.

Unlike most students, she didn’t have anything on the walls. No pictures. No posters. No twinkle lights. Sadness permeated the room, or maybe that was just her. She was so, so sad.

“It’s not much, but I don’t really get along with other people, so I didn’t want a roommate.” I already knew that, but I nodded anyway.

I set the bags on her bed and started unpacking them as she watched me.

“Something wrong?” I asked and she shook her head with small little jerks.

“No. It’s just… you’re the first person who’s ever been in here. I mean, other than me.” I turned around slowly.

“Really?”

“Yeah,” she said, twisting her fingers together. One of her knuckles cracked.

“Well, then I’m honored to be here.” I gave her a smile that she didn’t return, so I turned my attention back to the food.

“Do you know how to use chopsticks?” I asked, handing her a set. I’d also brought forks, just in case.

“Yes,” she said, taking them from me and sitting down. Her face got tight, like she was thinking about something else. A memory.

“Cool, me too,” I said, holding up my own set.

We sat, with the food between us in her quiet room, and ate.

“You okay?” I asked, pulling her back from wherever she’d gone.

“Yeah, fine. Just tired. How was the party?” I rolled my eyes.

“Well, it was all fine and good until someone set a couch on fire. It went downhill after that, but to be honest it had been going downhill since the first keg got tapped.” Marty had a blast. He always did. One of those charismatic people who made you have a good time even when you didn’t want to, he was impossible not to like. I’d stuck by his side, trying to let myself have a good time, but I could only think about Ingrid. What she might be doing. What she might be thinking about. I hoped I crossed her mind.

Her eyes went wide.

“Someone set a couch on fire?” I nodded and laughed.

“I can’t remember why, but whoever did it seemed to have a good reason at the time. I wasn’t drunk enough to agree with them.” She nodded.

“So you didn’t have a good time?” I gave her a quick look, but she was staring at the sushi, as if deciding which piece she wanted next.

“Not really. I mean, I guess it was fun to hang out with Marty, but other than that, not really. I mean, I like football and baseball as much as the next person, but I don’t feel the need to discuss it ad nauseam.” Other topics included past parties, the ideal shape of a boob and whether or not lesbians were virgins if they’d never had sex with a man. Riveting.

“So it was a lot of guys there?” I finally understood what her line of questioning was leading to. She wanted to know if I’d hung out with any other girls last night.

She was jealous and it made me want to smile more than I’d ever smiled in my life.

“Mostly. It was at one of the frat houses, but yeah, there were girls there. They mostly pay attention to Marty when I’m with him. I didn’t really talk to anyone.” I watched her face as I answered and she relaxed just a fraction.

“Oh, okay.” I decided to push my luck.

“I didn’t hook up with anyone, if that’s what you’re driving at. I wished you were there, though.” Her eyes flashed up and she trapped her bottom lip between her teeth.

“You did?”

“Yeah, of course. I always want to hang out with you.” I had to be careful to reel it in again so I didn’t scare her off. Baby steps.

“I can’t figure out why,” she said, but she was blushing.

“Because you’re you. Why wouldn’t I want to hang out with you?”

THERE. THERE IT IS. She let it happen. A tiny little smile accompanied by a deeper blush.

And then she rolled her eyes at me and I nearly lost it.

“You’re so weird.”

“Thank you. I take that as a compliment.” I held up my chopsticks and she tapped hers against mine. She was still smiling a little and it was worth it. It was so worth it.

We finished the sushi and started on the cupcakes and we just… talked. Ingrid was more unguarded than I’d ever seen her. Maybe because she was in her own room, her own space. Whatever it was, I couldn’t get enough of it.

She told me about being vegan and why her favorite movie was
Amelie
and that she hated it when her foods touched on her plate.

I told her that I’d had a brief relationship with skateboarding that had left me with a scar under my chin, and she asked about the one on my eyebrow.

“That? Oh, my brother did that one. Little shit. We were doing a swordfight with box cutters and he got me.” I rubbed the scar and shook my head.

“You have a brother?” Her voice was choked and I realized what I’d done.

“Yeah. He’s sixteen.” She nodded, but I could see her hands shook. I gathered up the trash and threw it away so she could compose herself.

“Want to watch a movie or do homework?” I asked and she nodded.

“Which one?” I said and she finally met my eyes.

“Movie.” I got the remote from the top of her TV and handed it to her. Our fingers brushed and I shivered with the contact. I was usually so careful not to touch her so she wouldn’t skitter away, especially since the kiss disaster. The almost-kiss disaster.

She flicked through channels and finally settled on one of the classic movie channels that was playing something in black and white. I hadn’t seen a lot of old movies, but I had the feeling she’d watched plenty.

“What movie is this?” I asked. There was less space between us now and if I just scooted over a little, our shoulders would touch. I didn’t even twitch a finger.

“
His Girl Friday
,” she said. I’d heard of it, but had never watched it.

“Shit, they talk really fast,” I said after a few minutes of viewing.

“Yeah. And Cary Grant was so young. I love him.” She sighed.

“So you’re saying that if I gelled my hair like that, wore a suit and smoked like a chimney, you’d like me better?” I asked, looking at her and not the screen.

I was rewarded by another blush.

“You’re fine the way you are,” she mumbled.

“Wait, what was that?” I cupped my hand around my ear and leaned toward her.

“Shut up, you know what I said.”

“No, I didn’t. Tell me again.” She rolled her eyes again and shoved my shoulder.

“Stop it.” I laughed and she turned to look at me.

“You suck.”

“Only on days that end in Y,” I said. She was flirting with me. She was totally flirting with me.

“Whatever.” She smiled for real so I crossed my eyes at her and she laughed. Just let go and laughed. It was the most beautiful fucking sound in the entire world.

“See? You do like it when I tease you.” She pressed her lips together, but the laughs kept bubbling out. She couldn’t help it.

“You’re terrible,” she said.

“Only on days that end in Y,” I said again.

She made a frustrated sound and buried her head in one of her pillows. I leaned over and tapped her shoulder. She turned her head and our faces were only inches apart. Her chest heaved a little and I was having trouble swallowing. Or breathing. Or blinking.

Her hair was in her face, so I reached forward to brush a few strands back. She didn’t move away or tell me to stop, so I stroked back some more of her hair.

She was looking at my lips. I looked down at hers.

And then…

I didn’t know who made the first move, but suddenly the lips I’d been looking at were kissing mine.

Ingrid was kissing me.

Her mouth was soft and hard at the same time. It was the most basic kind of kiss, but it was so much more than that. This kiss was
everything.

And just as quickly as it began, it was over.

“Oh my God,” she said, scrambling to get away from me. I sat up and moved, giving her space.

“I’m sorry,” I said, even though I wasn’t sure I should be apologizing.

“Oh my God, oh my God,” she said, burying her face into her pillow again. I didn’t know what to do, so I just stood up and waited.

“I’m sorry?” I said again.

She lifted her head up and looked at me.

“If you want me to leave, I’ll go,” I said, picking up my bag.

“No,” she said in a whisper so low, I thought I might have hallucinated it.

“No?” I asked.

“No,” she said again. She didn’t want me to leave. We kissed and she wasn’t going to throw me out of her room.

She sat up fully.

“No, I don’t want you to go.”

“Okay. I won’t go.” I set my bag down again, knowing that this was one of those moments. One of those moments in life when everything had the potential to change. I didn’t know if she could feel it, but I could. My heart started beating wildly.

Ingrid slid off her bed and got to her feet, taking three steps toward me. My lungs stuttered as she looked up at me.