Bend Me, Break Me (12 page)

She raised one hand and pushed my hair out of my eyes.

“Your hair is always in your face,” she said. Or at least that was what I thought she said. I was pretty sure I’d just fallen into an alternate universe. Or maybe I was dreaming.

I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t do anything but watch her as her fingers tangled in my hair.

I had no idea what I was doing. The more rational part of my brain was screaming at me to run. Out of this room. Away from him. I was currently ignoring it.

I didn’t know what strange force brought his mouth to mine, but it had happened. We kissed and it was…

Monumental.

Brief.

Far, far too short.

I pushed myself up on my tiptoes so our faces were closer. His breath hitched and then I did the most natural thing in the world. I kissed him again.

His lips were so gentle with mine. So careful. As if he was worried he’d break my mouth if he pushed.

I had been kissed before, and done the kissing. It was pleasant, but nothing like this. If those were kisses, I didn’t have a word for what this was.

His arms wound around me. One on my lower back and one on my neck. I tilted my face and pushed a little harder. Letting him know that it was okay. After a moment of hesitation, he ignited.

Coen moaned in the back of his throat and before I knew what I was doing, my tongue had breached the seam of his lips and brushed over that chipped tooth. His mouth was warm and sweet.

I had initiated things, but he started to take over. Now it was his tongue in my mouth, exploring, tasting, wanting more. I pressed myself into him and wondered how I was still standing.

He gasped in a breath and then rested his forehead against mine.

“Ingrid?” Just my name. A question that I didn’t know the answer to.

“Yeah?”

We were both short of breath.

“I
really
like being your friend.”

I opened my eyes and stared into his. So green. He licked his lips, as if to savor the taste of me.

“Good,” I said. “That’s good.” I leaned into his chest and he hugged me. Held me. He held me and I couldn’t remember the last time anyone had done that. I inhaled him, wanting to make the moment last. Lock it up inside.

“God, I’ve wanted to do this for so long,” he said, sighing into my hair.

I hadn’t. Or at least I didn’t think that I had. I didn’t respond, just cuddled further into his shirt. My hands were trapped between us, pressed against him.

His heart was going wild, even though we were standing still. Mine seemed like it was struggling to get out of my chest, out of the cage of my ribs like a scared bird.

We were interrupted by Coen’s phone. He jerked away from me and fumbled to silence it, but it was too late. The moment shattered. Popped, just like a bubble.

Everything rushed back into my head and I backed away from him. Coen reached for me, but didn’t step closer.

“Ingrid?” I closed my eyes so I couldn’t see him anymore. If I couldn’t see him, perhaps I wouldn’t want him so much.

I did want him. So much that my fingers reached for him even when I tried to pull them back.

“Ingrid?” he said again and my eyes snapped open. It was easy, so easy, to step back into his arms and let him cradle me into his chest.

“Please say something. I get worried when you’re quiet.” That was funny. I was quiet all the time.

I didn’t used to be. I used to talk a lot. I got in trouble for it at school. “Bossy” was often written on the evaluations sent home. I’d loved words, loved reading. Loved finding the most obscure excerpts and then throwing them in the repertoire of my everyday speech.

Now words didn’t matter. They were empty. Just letters arranged in a certain way. Completely useless.

“I don’t know what to say.” It was the truth. I lied to him all the time, but I wasn’t lying about that.

“Well, I’m kind of freaking out here, so you could at least reassure me that you’re okay and you don’t want to punch me or never see me again. I couldn’t stand it if you didn’t want to see me again.” The desperation in his voice put more cracks in my already-destroyed heart. I wasn’t sure how much more damage it could take before it stopped working completely. Before him, I’d thought it had stopped working. Guess it still had a little life left in it.

At least until he broke it.

“I’m okay. I’m not going to punch you and I’m not going to tell you to go away and never see me again.” My voice was muffled by his shirt, but I knew he heard me. His body relaxed around me and I could feel him smiling even though I couldn’t see it.

“You have no idea how happy that makes me. No. Idea.”

Holy motherfucking shit.

I kissed Ingrid. I kissed Ingrid A LOT. She kissed me back. And she was currently in my arms, digging her fingers into my shirt and resting her head on my chest.

I was so happy, I thought I was going to explode. I didn’t know if I could even stand it. I couldn’t stand the way she fit under my chin and how her head found the perfect spot to rest. And the way her lips felt.

She was… perfect, and I was holding her.

At last she pulled away and I let her. She raked her hair back from her face as her cheeks flushed. I’d never seen anything so heartbreakingly gorgeous.

“I have absolutely no idea what’s happening right now, but I know that I like it and I want it to continue,” she said and I couldn’t take my eyes off her newly reddened lips. I’d done that. I’d made them look like that.

Fuck. Yes.

I couldn’t stop the smile from taking over my face. I wanted to grab her up and spin her around while some cheesy song played, like in the movies.

She took another step away from me and shook her head, as if she was trying to clear it.

“What the hell am I doing?” Her voice was breathless and she pushed her hair back again and gave me a nervous smile. “I’m not this girl. I’m not the girl who kisses the guy.” I closed the distance between us and put my hand on her cheek, stroking her soft skin.

“Maybe you are and you don’t even know it. You can be whatever you want, Ingrid.” Her breath hitched when I said her name. She always reacted when I used it, which was one of the thrills of using it around her.

She pursed her lips and tried to look away from me, but failed.

“What are we even doing?” she whispered.

“Whatever we want,” I said and kissed her again.

We went back to the movie and this time she let me keep my arm around her as we watched. I kept sneaking looks at her face. There was something calm about her expression. As if she was letting her guard down around me. It was fucking amazing.

“You’re staring,” she said, poking me in the stomach.

“I can’t help it,” I said, telling her the truth. I wished I didn’t have to keep lying to her, but it was necessary, especially now. She would know the truth. Someday, she would know everything.

“I told you that I’m not this girl. I don’t know how to do this. I did… before, but not now.” My heart jumped at that admission.

“Before what?” I asked gently.

Her eyes went wide when she realized what she’d said and I waited for her to bolt again. But then she calmed herself and leaned her head on my shoulder.

“Before college. That’s what I meant.” It was a lie, but that was fine. For now.

“I don’t care. It doesn’t matter if you believe you can do this or not. I’ll believe enough for the both of us.” That made her look up and stare at me for a few seconds.

“You always know the right things to say,” she whispered, her fingers ghosting over my lips.

“Not really,” I said against her hand.

“Yes, really,” she said, taking her fingers away and replacing them with her mouth. She kissed me softly and sat back.

“Are we still friends?” she asked.

“Yes,” I said. “You’re my absolute favorite friend.”

She fell asleep against me and I wasn’t sure what to do. On the one hand, she needed sleep more than anyone I’d ever met. On the other, my back was starting to hurt and I was going to need to use the bathroom very soon.

It took nearly ten minutes, but I finally extricated myself from under her and made sure she was still sleeping when I got up. Now what? I didn’t want to just leave and have her be confused when she woke up. But sleeping on her floor like a total creeper wasn’t an option either. With my luck, she’d wake up in the middle of the night, think I was an intruder and call campus security.

I looked around and then found the cardboard box the cupcakes had come in and then found a Sharpie on her desk.

Didn’t want to wake you when I left. I’ll see you tomorrow, friend.

-Coen

It wasn’t poetic or romantic, but it was the best I could do at the moment. See? I didn’t always have the right words.

I left the box on her desk, so that when she woke up, it would be in her line of sight. Just before I turned off the lights and walked out, I left a kiss on her temple.

“Goodnight, Ingrid.”

One minute I was snuggling with Coen (how the hell did that happen?) and the next I was waking up in the dark alone. I blinked a few times and looked around, but he was gone. I got up and turned on the light. No note?

Oh. He’d left me a note written on the cupcake box. It was just something simple, but it still made flutters break out in my body and a smile almost cross my face.

I set it down and got back on my bed.

Things with Coen had just gotten seriously complicated. It wasn’t just because we’d kissed. I was starting to feel things for him that I didn’t think I’d ever felt before, even before. He made me think things that I didn’t want to think and want to do things I didn’t want to do.

I reached under my pillow and pulled out my notebook, turning to a fresh page.

You look at me like,

I crafted the sun with my hands,

Breathed the stars from my lungs,

Sang the moon into existence,

I stopped writing and shook my head. I was being sentimental and foolish and that wasn’t going to get me anywhere. I slammed my notebook shut and shoved it back under my pillow.

No matter what Coen and I did, I couldn’t get into that kind of headspace. Writing poetry about him was off-limits.

Groaning at my own ridiculousness, I slammed back against my pillows. I was on a sinking ship and I could see the lifeboat. The question was, would I get on it or drown?

I couldn’t remember the last time I was this nervous. My hands fluttered and I shoved them in my pockets. In my stressed out state this morning, I’d gotten to class much earlier than I intended, so now I was sitting and freaking out about seeing him.

I had no idea what he was going to say. If he would try to kiss me again. If he would pretend that it never happened.

I didn’t want him to pretend that it never happened, but other than that, I had no idea what I wanted. I tried to stop looking at the door, but failed so many times. Finally, I wrenched my neck around so I was facing the front. A few moments later, there was a tap on my shoulder.

“Hey,” he said with a warm smile that showed off his almost-perfect teeth. My heart plummeted to my feet and my hands started to shake.

“H-hey,” I said as he took the seat next to me and put my cup of tea on my desk.

“You’re early,” he said, his voice pretty neutral.

“Yeah, couldn’t sleep,” I mumbled.

I was lost. I had no idea what I was supposed to do or say.

“You too?” he said and I looked into his eyes just before another devastating smile crossed his lips. He was so beautiful it hurt to look at him.

“I had a lot on my mind,” I said and he pulled his bottom lip between his teeth.

“Yeah, me too. I think… I think we should talk about everything.” I still couldn’t get a read on him and what direction this was going to go. For the first time ever, I wished I could read minds.

“Yeah?” I asked.

He nodded.

“Definitely.”