Besieged (22 page)

"You're different Lilly. You're anything but easy. You infuriate me so much at times, but I care about you. The press know my reputation though and if we're seen together you will be portrayed as one of those girls. I can't bear the thought of anyone thinking of you like that." His admission surprises me.

"Theo, the only difference between me and those other girls is that I’ve fucked you more than once." I smile at him. "Funny that after all of my efforts to stay away from you at the beginning I've ended up being exactly what I didn't want to be, a notch." I can't help but think back and try to work out how I got to this point.

"You're wrong. You have no idea how wrong you are." He says quietly. If that’s true then why do I feel so pathetic?

"Theo, I don't think we should do this anymore." I say quietly.

"No Lilly. I won't let you do this. We'll work this out." He growls.

 I doubt anyone has ever walked away from him. I knew it wouldn't go down well. He's not going to let me go.... Then it occurs to me, I'll have to just walk out without any warning, make it quick like ripping off a plaster. I close my eyes as the reality of never seeing him again sinks in. This is why I avoid getting close to people, and especially people like him. It makes you weak. It makes you vulnerable. Oh god, this is going to be a long night. I need to stay strong, remember this feeling, because the likelihood is that he will resort to anything to change my mind. I can't though. I need to get out before it's too late.

I hadn't realised where we were going until Theo pulls the car into the double garage at the side of his house.

"I need to go home Theo." I close my eyes, silently praying that it will be that easy.

"Please don't Lilly. I need you to talk to me." He pleads desperately. Of course he would have to make it hard for me. I nod once and get out to follow him. One last night with him I tell myself and then I’ll leave and that will be it. It was fun, but people like me aren’t meant to get involved, and so I plaster on a smile and follow through the house to his bedroom.

He turns and looks at me with narrowed eyes. His jaw is tense and locked. I realise that I want him so much right now. I just want to feel the security he brings me one last time.  He opens his mouth to say something and I move. I press my body to his wrapping my arms tightly around his neck. I pour every ounce of my desire and need for him into this moment, because it will be my last chance. My lips work over his, coaxing him and easing the tension. Slowly his arms wind around me and his tongue traces my lower lip. I rip his jacket off of his shoulders before quickly unfastening his shirt buttons. His lips never leave mine as he unfastens his cufflinks and drops them. He yanks the zip of my dress down and crouches sliding it down my legs, watching me the whole time. His eyes are dark and turbulent as they survey my body. I'm left wearing only a black lace thong. His breath quickens. The muscles of his torso ripple and flex as he moves. He stands, running his hands up my body as he moves. His lips collide with mine again in an aggressive kiss. He bites my bottom lip hard as his fingers dig into by back. I gasp and moan as he thrusts his pelvis against me, pressing his rigid cock against my hip. Both our movements are desperate, crazed.

I struggle to breathe. My senses are overloaded with him. His touch, his kiss, just him. I rip open his button and fly, pushing his trousers and boxers down his legs.

He moves behind me and pushes me down so that I’m bent over the bed leaning on my hands. He folds his body over mine and kisses my shoulder and back whilst gently caressing my bum. He pushes my thong aside and carefully slips one finger inside me, feeling the hot moisture there.

"Always so willing Lilly." He purrs in my ear.  His other hand is pressed against my stomach pinning my body to his. He slips another finger into me and I moan. He begins to move, thrusting into me over and over. My body bows trying to seek relief. His other hand moves lower and presses against my lower stomach. This changes the angle somehow and abruptly my body starts to tremble. He thrusts again and again. The orgasm rips through me so forcefully that my legs give out underneath me. Theo holds me as I cry out in relief.

He holds me until my breathing steadies, then he flattens his body over mine and shocks me by tearing my thong off. He slowly eases into me. He thrusts forward over and over until he's buried within me. The feeling is euphoric. He cups my breasts, stroking and pinching my nipples. He pulls out and slams forward into me. Each time he pushes me to the edge of pain and pleasure, relentlessly torturing me with an overload of sensation. My insides start to tremble and just when I’m close, he pulls away from me and sits on the edge of the bed. My entire body is like an elastic band pulled too tight and ready to snap. He smiles at me alluringly ebbing away some of my frustration. He inclines his chin, beckoning me forward. I straddle his lap. He kisses across my neck and collar bone whilst I gradually lower onto him. A moan escapes me when I take all of him. I begin to grind into him. His hands gently stroke my back as he stares at me, his beautiful eyes study mine. We've never had sex like this before, this is somehow so intimate. He places his hands on either side of my face and kisses me gently yet passionately. His lips mould to mine perfectly. I continue an unrelenting but leisurely rhythm. When I come, he holds me close and climaxes with me, crying out my name. Something just changed, something
has
changed, but I’m not sure what. Either way, it makes me feel comforted yet uncomfortable at the same time.

I wait until Theo is sleeping soundly, breathing slow and deep before crawling out of the bed. I just need to hold it together until I can get out of here. The worst part of this is knowing it will hurt me and yet he will probably have gotten over it by this evening and found someone else to take my place. I sigh, slip on my dress and tiptoe down the hall. I creep upstairs into the living area. In the office desk I find paper and a pen and begin to write.

Theo.

I am writing you this letter because I know that if I tell you this in person you will try to change my mind, but I know this is best for both of us.

I can't do this anymore. It was inevitable. I'm sorry.

Lilly.

I don't know what else to say. There is nothing else to say. I take the note and go back downstairs. Theo is still asleep, he looks so peaceful and so beautiful. I want desperately to kiss him, but I’m afraid he'll wake up and then change my mind. I need to do this. As much as I feel toward him, I have to protect myself. I place the note on the bedside table and pick up the BMW keys. Goodbye Theo. I walk away knowing that a piece of me is still lying in that bed with him.

Chapter 15 – Theo

I awake in the morning and stretch out my arm. Lilly's not there and the bed is cold. Her scent still hangs in the air, mixed with the unmistakeable smell of sex. I climb out of bed and head upstairs.

"Lilly?" I search the house but she's gone. I walk back into the bedroom and spot the small white square of paper on the bedside table. I open it and read the two written sentences. My chest aches at the sight of her words. Sheer panic followed by desolation consumes me. I should have known, her kisses last night were crazed, almost desperate. She was saying goodbye, and I was so wrapped up in her that I ignored it. As I stare blankly at the scrap of paper I realise that now I know what it is to have her...I can't go back. I will fight for her, no matter what.

I call her several times before deciding to just go over to her flat. By the time I get there I'm irrationally angry. Why I don't know. She's doing what she thinks is best for her. I can't fault her for that, but I feel betrayed in a way that I really shouldn't. This whole situation is so fucked up. I care about her, but I don't want to and she certainly doesn't want me to. I shouldn't be bothered in the slightest by her middle of the night disappearance, yet I feel like she just cut me and by rehashing it in my mind over and over, I keep rubbing salt in the wound.

From the start Lilly has made me go against all rational behaviour. I shouldn't have wanted her so much, but I did. I should have just dropped it when she said she wasn't interested, I didn't. And now, I shouldn't be here acting like a whiney little bitch who just got dumped, yet here I am. Sucks to be me.

I press the buzzer and wait.

"Hello." Her voice is barely a whisper as it comes through the intercom.

"Lilly it's me. Buzz me in." I struggle to keep a lid on my temper.

"Theo..." She sighs. "Please just leave."

"Not until you at least talk to me. You think you can just leave a note and that’s it, we're done?!" Again too stern. "We are not done!"

She sighs. "We are done Theo. Jesus, get over it!" She snaps.

"Lilly." I growl into the intercom just as it clicks off. She hung up.

I quickly find myself sinking into a black hole of nothingness. Never have I felt like this, it's like someone has punched a hole through my chest. How has ‘just sex’ come to this? The only thing I can focus on is her, and the loss of her. It takes me a long time and a lot of confused suffering before I come to a shocking realisation. I'm in love with her. I'm fucking in love with her! The irony that after all my years of fucking around, the one woman I’m actually in love with doesn't want to know. And so I have a drink, and another, and another, until the pain starts to numb into a low buzz.

I wake up at my desk at home on Monday morning. My head is throbbing and my stomach is delicate to say the least. I'm still wearing the clothes I had on yesterday. I must have drunk myself into a coma.

I check the clock. It's nine thirty. I call Lucy and tell her I won't be coming in today, but to divert anything essential to my home office.

Once I’ve showered and changed I decide to check my emails. There's an email from my PR manager with an attachment. The attachment is a magazine article with a picture of Lilly and I dancing. The headline reads Is London’s most eligible bachelor finally off the market? Perfect fucking timing.

There are three pictures on the page. In each one Lilly looks exquisite, the epitome of elegance, beauty and vitality. One shot is a very zoomed in shot of us close together outside The Duke. The second is outside Circus House, I’m holding the car door open for her and she's smiling at me. The last is from last night, we're dancing, eyes locked on each other. The way she looks at me is certainly not the look of a woman who is unhappy. How did I manage to fuck this up so badly? The article states that her identity is as of yet unknown. At least she won't be hounded by the paparazzi.

I can't get past this hole of self-pity, and so I wallow and give in to the misery. By midday I can't take it anymore, and so I start drinking again. This is the pattern of my life for the next two days. At times I miss her painfully, at others I hate her for making me this pathetic, but no matter what I always want her.

On day three I wake up to someone shaking me hard. "Theo!"

"What?" I groan. I lift my head from the sofa to see Hugo standing there. I haven't been back to my bed since Lilly left, it smells of her, even after the sheets were changed and I can’t stomach it.

"Mate, what the fuck happened to you?" He frowns at me.

"I got drunk." I state matter of factly.

"I can see that but why?"

"Because I felt like it." I sit up and rub my face.

"No shit, but on a Tuesday night, and on your own?" He folds his arms across his chest. “Do I need to book you into rehab? There are better ways to become famous.”

"Why are you here?" I change the subject.

"Maria called me. She said she came to drop off some food shopping this morning and you were unconscious on the sofa, stinking of whisky." He raises an eyebrow at me.

"Well you've seen it for yourself now. Take a picture." I mock. I get up and head toward the kitchen. "Coffee?" I ask as I switch on the coffee machine.

"Please." He eyes me warily. “So dare I ask why you're like this?"

I shrug. "I'm just having a rough couple of days."

"Theo, this is not just a rough couple of days. What's going on?" I don't feel like revealing my problems to Hugo. He's a good friend but he won't understand this.

"You won't understand this Hugo."

"Ah, shit. Is it Lilly?" I avert my gaze away from him. "I'll take your silence as a yes."

"Like I said you won't understand." I mumble.

"Look, whatever's going on, I can see that she's different. She's your exception. I can understand that much." The sincerity in his eyes surprises me. "She makes you happy."

"We're done. She said she can't do this anymore." I take a deep breath.

"I thought you guys were just Fuck buddies?"

"Yeah we were, but to be honest it's kind of complicated. This outcome was...'inevitable'" I pour out two cups of coffee.

"So why the 'just sex' arrangement?" He looks genuinely confused.

"She's the one who stipulated a no strings situation." I explain.

He raises his eyebrows. “Wow. But now she wants out?"

I shrug. "Apparently so."

He's silent for a long time. "Theo, I've seen you two together and she’s clearly into you dude. If she's the no strings kind of girl then that's probably got her panicking. She's probably just freaked out." I think carefully as he speaks. It sounds plausible.

"She's doing exactly what I would normally do." I laugh and put my head in my hands, desperately trying to process these new possibilities.

"Mmm hmm, and me. So do you like… want to be with her?"

"Yes." I answer without hesitation.

"Man you suck. Then you need to tell her. You don’t want regrets in life." He stands and places a hand on my shoulder. I nod. I'm just not sure I can let her break me all over again when she turns me down.

"Thanks, you’ve actually been helpful." I smile.