Besieged (24 page)

 “I'm sorry Theo...I can't." She turns away, but not before I see her face crumple. As I watch her walk away the tears freely stream down my face.

No, I think I’d rather live in regret, not knowing that she doesn't feel the same way. It’s official. I’m a pussy.

Chapter 16 – Lilly

I'm sitting on the sofa with an ice pack on my knee when Molly walks in and slaps a newspaper down in front of me, stabbing at the page with her finger. "Have you seen this?" She asks coldly.

There are two pictures on the page, one is of me leaving Poison on Saturday night spattered in blood, looking like something out of a horror film. The second is of Theo leaving with blood trickling down his lip, holding an ice pack to his jaw. The article speculates whether London’s former most eligible has bitten off more than he can chew and is suffering some form of domestic abuse at the hands of his new 'feisty red head'. I roll my eyes and push the paper away. Seriously? The whole thing is ridiculous. People put two and two together and came up with that?!

She shakes her head. "I can't believe you did that last night Lilly. What were you thinking? What if they'd had a knife or something?" She has her hands on her hips.

I roll my eyes again at her melodramatic tone. "They didn't though, and I wasn't just going to leave his stupid drunk arse there to get the shit kicked out of him."

She sighs. "You should have shouted for help."

"By the time I had gotten help they would have been long gone."

"You just..." She takes a deep breath. "I want you to realise that it could have been so much worse. I'd rather see Theo get the shit kicked out of him than you."

I close my eyes, taking a deep breath in an attempt to ward off the lump in my throat. "I couldn't leave him." I whisper.

She places her hand on my cheek. "He's out there getting himself so wasted that you have to defend him, and you're throwing yourself into fights to protect him." She shakes her head. "When are the two of you going to stop fighting fate and realise that you're meant for each other."

I shake my head. "It'll get easier." I breathe.

"No Lilly, it won't. I heard what he said to you last night."

My tightening throat makes my voice hoarse. "I just can't be with him Molly."

"He's in love with you Lilly!" She shouts startling me. "And don't tell me you don't love him, because you've been miserable for two weeks now!" She takes a steadying breath. I stare at a spot on the floor.

"Lilly, I love you dearly and all I want is for you to be happy." Her face is etched with concern. "But I’m going to be cruel to be kind now. I think that the only reason you're unsure of Theo is because you're scared of getting hurt, because you view it as some kind of weakness. Well, I think you're weak for running away." I stare open mouthed at her. I've never been called weak in my life! Her face softens. "Nothing worth having in life is easy. Sometimes the greatest risks are taken for greater rewards. Jump in with both feet and you may find something wonderful. Theo adores you, he could make you really happy if you just give him the chance. You're my dearest friend, but you can be so quick to judge. Please, I beg you, don't let the past ruin the rest of your life. You must learn to trust again. You are worthy of love. Be the strong person that I know you are. Be happy."

I nod weakly before I turn and walk to my room. I can't listen to this right now.

I change into dry fit shorts and a sports bra and head to the dance studio around the corner.  I used to dance. I used to love it, and I was good at it, but nowadays I don’t dance very often. I do, however dance when I’m stressed. I’ve spent every evening of the last two weeks in the studio working myself to physical exhaustion. It's the only way I can switch off my overactive mind from dragging everything to the surface.

I keep asking myself why I’m so scared of my feelings toward Theo. I don’t know why, but I can’t comprehend him loving me. Why is that? Am I that fucked up? Then of course I start thinking about the past, about my mother and my step father, and if I didn’t hate them enough already, I do now, because they fucked me up. They broke me. Am I destined to spend the rest of my life broken and unlovable? I can’t deal with these endless questions because I don’t want the answers, and so I dance.

When I get to the studio I slip off my trainers and go through some contempory routines. I find the gentle music soothing to my fraught emotions. I switch off my mind and block out everything. My body reacts on instinct to the music, without thought. I twist and pirouette, and I’m free of everything. I pause the music and take a swig of water, my chest is heaving.

There's a gentle knock on the door. I see him reflected in the wall to wall mirrors, looking through the glass of the door. The bruise that mars his face is visible even from here. I turn slowly to face him as he sheepishly steps into the room.

A long moment of silence passes between us. "What are you doing here Theo?" I eventually ask.

"Molly said you’d be here.” He looks at the ground. Bloody Molly. “You dance beautifully."

"Thanks." I drop my gaze to the floor, unable to look at him anymore. "Why are you here?" I look back up to meet his pained gaze.

"You know why." He whispers.

"Please don't do this Theo." I beg.

"I can't just let you go." He says brusquely.

A small amount of anger surfaces and I grab it with both hands. "You just can't stand it can you?" I stare at him. "You can't bare that I walked away, that I just don't want you." I put as much venom in my words as possible, whilst trying to swallow the lump in my throat.

"For a start, you and I both know that's not true." He states arrogantly. I glare at him. "And lots of women have walked away from me. I'm an arsehole remember, it comes with the territory." He frowns.

"Of course."

He sighs. "I've never cared about a woman before. But you're...I guess you're my weakness Lilly."

"Don't kid yourself Theo. You're just a sucker for pretty things. You said so yourself.
That
is your weakness." I sneer. I'm seriously hoping he doesn't remember what he said to me last night. I can't deal with that right now.

"What do you want me to say? Of course I was attracted to you because you're beautiful, beyond beautiful. But it's more than that..." He stops. "I thought you wanted the whole casual sex thing." He whispers.

"I did because it means no-one gets hurt, but things are starting to spiral out of control. I'm doing us both a favour and ending things before either of us gets hurt. Theo we're done. Just have some dignity and let it go." I say coldly. Why is he making this so hard. Part of me wants desperately to give in to him, the other part knows that this is an inevitable outcome, the longer it goes on the harder it will become.

“It’s too late for that.” His tone softens and his voice sounds tortured. "Lilly...I...I need you. I've never felt about anyone the way I feel about you." He looks almost ashamed of this revelation.

I draw in a ragged breath. "Theo..."

"Look me in the eye and tell me you feel nothing for me, that I was nothing but a fuck to you." He growls.

I close my eyes and shake my head. "I...I can't." I whisper. “But I can’t be with you either.”

He takes a couple of steps toward me. "I know you're scared Lilly, and I'm scared too...I mean shit, I've spent the past two weeks wanting to hate you, just so I could be over you." He frowns. "Hating what I’ve become because of you, but the truth is; you made me feel Lilly. I would take feeling the pain, because you made me feel something I didn't even realise I needed until I met you." My chest rips apart at his words. Shit, he's good.

"I can't trust you not to hurt me Theo." I whisper.

"You think I’m un-trustworthy because of my past, but that's exactly what it is Lilly, the past. I am not defined by my past.” I can’t argue with that. “Give me a chance and I’ll earn your trust. Please." My resolve wavers slightly. "I'll do anything you need."

"You don't even know me Theo, we've always been all about the sex, how can you…?" I start.

"I know enough to know how I feel, and I want to know more. I’ll prove we’re more than sex. Give me two weeks, two weeks without sex. If at the end of those two weeks you still feel the same then I’ll let you go without a word." His eyes are pleading, begging me to say yes.

"How will I know you're not just getting it elsewhere?" A glimmer of hope starts to blossom. I want so badly to believe that I’m the only one he wants, but I refuse to be that naive. There’s still that part of me, the lost little girl hidden behind the cool exterior, who just wants to be loved. Then there’s the woman I’ve had to become, because that lost little girl was weak and the world broke her. The strong woman says he’s a risk I can’t take. The little girl says risk it all because he loves you and perhaps you might love him too.

He sighs. "If only I could." He murmurs. "Live with me for the two weeks. You can have the spare room." His face is so hopeful.

"Theo, before you do this, there's something you should know." I sigh as I fix my gaze on the floor. This conversation is something I hoped I would never have to have with him.

"Okay." He touches my cheek and I relish his touch. As much as I hate to admit it I've missed him.

"I…" Fuck, what to tell him. "I have a really bad past." Well that’s one way of putting it. I close my eyes as my chest tightens. "I just want you to know that I have issues, and I can't promise that I will ever be able to truly feel for you in the same way you might for me. Not because I don't want to, but because...I'm broken." I whisper the words, knowing that they must be difficult for him to hear.

"A difficult past as in a boyfriend?" He asks quietly.

I shake my head. "I wish it was, but no. I… I’m sorry, but I can't talk about it." I feel my eyes start to prickle with moisture and bite the inside of my cheek to keep them from welling up. I don’t cry, ever.

He wraps his arms around me and crushes me to his chest. "It's okay Lilly. I don't care. I'll take whatever I can of you. I don't think you’re broken." God, he has no idea what hearing him say that means to me.

“I can’t do a relationship Theo, it’s too much. I just… I can’t do it.” I say against his chest. I can’t explain to him the fear and sheer panic at the idea of placing so much trust and faith in one person. Giving one person so much power over you is terrifying. I just cannot do it.

“That’s okay. I told you I’ll take whatever I can get. I don’t need labels.”

My mind battles against itself until finally a small voice says; ‘You’re already broken. What have you got to lose? That which is broken cannot break’. It’s true. There is nothing Theo could do to me that could be any worse than what I’ve already endured. If I do this I may get hurt, but if I don’t then I’ll just carry on in my closed off world. I don’t want to be the broken girl any more. I want to be the strong woman.

I slowly nod. "Okay." I whisper.

"Okay?"

I nod. “I’ll give you a chance, but no labels.” I warn. His face breaks into a beautiful smile, like the sun breaking through the clouds, making my stomach flutter.

He lifts me off the floor and spins me around.

I laugh breathlessly, unable to help myself from being caught up in his elation. He puts me down and rests his forehead against mine. I close my eyes and breathe in the wonderful scent of him that I’ve missed so much.

"You won't regret this." He whispers.

"I really hope not Theo." He kisses my forehead and I feel that content and safe feeling that I often feel with him, except it no longer scares me, but reassures me. I've been fighting him so much, that I’ve never taken a moment to just stop and realise how right this feels. "When do you want me to come over?"

He laughs. "I've never wanted you to leave."

After our emotional conversation Theo gives me a ride home to my flat. We're both silent on the way, having said everything there is to say for now.

When we pull up outside Theo gets out of the car.

"Here." He hands me the keys to the Range Rover. "Just pop over when you're ready."

He's giving me some space after our intense conversation and I’m grateful for it.

James pulls up behind the Range Rover in the Rolls.

"I'll see you later." He brushes his knuckles across my cheek before turning and sliding into the back of the car.

Molly and George are both sat on the sofa when I get in.

"How was dancing?" George chirps from the sofa.

"Good...um interesting." Molly and George both swing their heads in my direction. This going to sound insane. 'I'm moving in with the guy that I’ve just spent two weeks avoiding and wallowing over.'

"Um, Theo came to speak to me." George's eyebrows shoot up, whilst Molly's face breaks into an ear to ear grin. "We're going to give things a go."

Molly claps her hands together. "I knew it."

"So like actually together, not just sex." George looks shocked.

"Actually it'll be no sex, at least not for two weeks." They both stare at me like I’ve grown a second head.

"Um, why?" George asks.

I sigh. "I think he was desperate. He wants to prove to me that I’m more than just sex to him." I drop my gaze. "He told me last night that he's in love with me."

“Holy cow. My girl’s gonna marry a millionaire!” George squeals. I feel all the blood drain from my face.

"Oh ignore him, sweetie I’m happy for you." Molly stands and folds me into a hug.

George pipes up. "I'm not going to lie Lill's I was just about ready to hand you the noose myself if you didn't do something about that boy. God you were depressing last week." Molly slaps him lightly.

"Don't say that to her!" He only laughs.

"So, I’m living at his place for two weeks."

"What?!" They both screech.

I shrug. "How else am I supposed to make sure he's upholding his no sex policy?"

"It just seems extreme." Molly narrows her pale blue eyes at me.

"It's Theo. Everything’s extreme." I wave her off. "I'm heading over there this evening. I'll still see you guys." I reassure them both.