Better Off Friends (12 page)

“No, he didn’t. He knew I wouldn’t be okay with that. I’ve made it clear that you’re off-limits.”

“I’m
off-limits
?” she snapped. “What does
that
mean?”

“It’s just, like, you know …”

“No, I don’t know.” She pulled the elastic out of her hair and immediately put her hair up again, her hands working quickly. I could tell she was annoyed. She needed something to give her a few seconds to figure out what to say next. “You’re such a hypocrite.”

I wasn’t expecting that.

Disgust filled her voice. “It’s totally okay for you to get a whole group of guy friends, but heaven forbid one of them wants to go out with me.”

She had completely lost me. “You
want
to go out with Keith?”

“No! This isn’t about Keith.” She looked down at the table. “Well, at least someone in your group wants to spend time with me.”

This wasn’t like Macallan. She wasn’t the kind of person who felt sorry for herself.

“Do you want me to go over there” — I pointed to my table — “and tell them I won’t hang out with them anymore. Is that what you want?”

That familiar cold look started to creep over her face. “You know I don’t want that. And I’m sorry I want to spend some time with you.”

“Well, we’ve got the summer.”

“That feels like it’s ages from now.”

I saw Danielle approaching and got up. “But seriously, if you
want
to go out with Keith …”

She grimaced.

“Oi!” I called out, knowing how to temper this situation. “Blimey if he don’t fancy him a sweetheart. Before ya know it, he’ll be bringing ’round roses and Bob’s your uncle.”

I waited for her to reply. She sat there stubbornly for a few moments before she responded in a monotone, “But, Buggy, you’re uncle’s name is Sam.”

I quickly turned on my heel. I figured it was best for me to leave her quoting
Buggy and Floyd
than to get in a fight.

Macallan and I didn’t really fight. It wasn’t our thing.

But this felt like a fight.

I was so busy with track, practicing ball, and studying for finals as our sophomore year came to an end. But I made a note to spend at least an entire day with Macallan as soon as school was over.

Now we had only one more day to go and then we’d be free.

As much as I loved my guys, I had started to miss Macallan. When I was with her, I didn’t have to always be on. Sure, she and I would trade barbs, but she was also the only person I could have a real conversation with. I thought if I got too deep with the guys, they’d think I was turning into a girl.

“Hey, you.” Macallan came up to me after school with Danielle not far behind. “I’ve been texting you all week.”

“Hey!” I started shoving books in my backpack.

“Are you —”

“Rodgers!” Tim boomed. “You’re so going to pay for that stunt in gym.”

“Good luck with that!” I shouted back. I turned back to Macallan. “Sorry. What were you saying?”

She looked flustered. “I was wondering —”

“CATCH!” I heard Keith call out. I turned around and perfectly caught the football he’d thrown.

“Mr. Simon, no throwing in the halls,” a teacher reprimanded him.

“Sorry! Sorry!” Keith played bashful, until the teacher turned her back. “Nice work, California! We’ve got all summer to throw the pigskin around.”

“I hear that.” We high-fived.

I finally realized Macallan was trying to tell me something. I looked around and couldn’t find her. I saw Danielle up the hallway and went after her.

“Yo!” I called out.

She turned around and gave me a death stare.

“
Yo
? You’ve
got
to be kidding me.” She kept walking.

“Where’s Macallan?”

“Oh, so you noticed her existence?” she said dryly.

“Come on, I —”

She interrupted me. “No, totally,
dude
. I get it. You had your
bros
around. Chillax, yo.”

Wow. A girl was overreacting. Paging Captain Cliché.

“Try her locker,” she said over her shoulder.

I raced to Macallan’s locker. And was relieved to see her, until she turned around and looked like she was about to cry.

I’d only seen Macallan cry about her mom. She handled everything else — the dissolving of her friendship with Emily, her breakup with Ian, academic stress — with this quiet strength.

“Hey, hey!” I ran up to her, but she began walking in the opposite direction. “You’re mad at me?”

She didn’t need to answer when she turned around. The look on her face said enough. But unfortunately, she answered, “What do you think?”

“I’m sorry.” Even though I had no idea what had gotten her so mad. I’d only been fooling around with my friends at my locker. She couldn’t have waited a minute or two before she would have had my undivided attention? Of course she couldn’t. She was used to having me all to herself.

But now I had other friends, other commitments.

It wasn’t my problem if she couldn’t handle that.

She laughed. “You know, I usually believe you when you apologize, but I have a feeling you have no idea what this is about.”

“Actually I do.”

“Oh, really? Would you care to enlighten me?” She was being so smug, it made me even angrier.

“You don’t like that your little errand and whipping boy isn’t at your beck and call.”

She stared blankly at me. I’d got her so good.

“No.” Her voice was so quiet. “It’s that I think I’m losing my best friend. Wait, no, not just a best friend but part of my family. You know more than anybody how much my family means to me, and I let you be part of it. You promised me, Levi — you promised
my mom
— that you’d always be there for me. Some promise.”

I felt sick to my stomach.

She wiped away a tear and continued. “I understand how important it is for you to have your guy friends, I do. But I can count on one hand the amount of times I’ve seen you in the past month. The past
month
, Levi. And don’t forget, one of those times was so we could go shopping to get a suit for you to take that junior girl to her prom.”

She was helpful, picking out the corsage I gave Jill.

“I gave up one of my closest friends because of you, Levi. Because I thought the friendship we had was worth it. But the second you get guy friends, you push me aside. Do you have any idea how worthless you’ve made me feel? Did you even once think about my feelings every time you canceled on me?”

Because Keith always had the worst timing, he came down the hallway right then. “Come on, California! You coming or not?” he called out.

Macallan glared at him before she turned back to me. “Please don’t let me get in the way of your precious bro time.” She rolled her eyes.

That’s when I snapped. I no longer felt sorry for her. I was sick of the way she always made me feel like the things I wanted were stupid. That her time was more important than mine. For the way she kissed me and pretended it was nothing. That there were no consequences for her when it comes to me.

“This is all a joke for you, isn’t it?” I spat at her.

Her face turned white. “I never thought —”

I cut her off. “Yep, you
never think
.”

And then I walked away from her.

I had no desire to hear what she had to say anymore. I didn’t like being made to feel like I was letting her down. That I was a failure somehow. That I was single-handedly responsible for her happiness. That I was the one responsible for her not being friends with Emily anymore. It was a decision
she
had made. And it wasn’t my fault she wasn’t with Ian anymore, either. She needed to stop putting so much on our friendship.

I was a fifteen-year-old guy. What was so wrong with wanting to hang out with my friends? My
real
friends.

I went with Keith, but it was like I wasn’t there. I caught the ball because I needed to catch the ball. But that was it. My mind was back in that hallway. My mind would not move.

I wasn’t proud of myself for making Macallan sad or knowing full well she was probably crying at that very second, somewhere out of my reach.

But she just got to me.

I hated that she was making me feel guilty, when she was the one who should’ve been —

I mean, she was the one who, like, wanted to —

I was so angry, I couldn’t even think straight. I hated that I felt that way. I hated that I used to be able to tell Macallan everything, but couldn’t anymore.

She drove me nuts. She had these certain ways about her that would fill me with rage when I thought about it.

The way she would tease me.

The way she would expect me to be there for her.

The way she would rest her head on my shoulder when we’d watch a movie.

The way she would taunt me by messing up my hair.

The way she kissed me and pulled away.

Really, when I thought about it, it was that moment. That kiss was when I started to feel differently about her.

But to her it was nothing.

Why did it have to be nothing?

Why couldn’t it have been something?

Why did she have to pull away?

Why couldn’t she —

And then it hit me.

I knew I could sometimes be slow with things, but why on earth had it taken me so long to realize what was really going on?

What I really felt. Why I was really mad. Why I was pushing Macallan away. Why being with her became more and more difficult. Why I felt nervous and angry anytime a guy mentioned her.

The second I admitted it to myself, I knew it had been true for a very, very long time.

I was in love with Macallan.

I dropped the ball and left it there on the ground. Keith asked me what was going on. I yelled something to him and the other guys about needing to talk to Macallan and ran.

I knew
love
was a strong word for someone my age. But that was what it was. That was what we had.

And I wasn’t going to let it go.

We’d hit rock bottom, but this is what I found there. The truth.

I ran faster than I’d ever run before. There wouldn’t have been a one-tenth difference that day. I would’ve blown away every last runner that time. Because at the end of this finish line wasn’t a trophy — it was Macallan.

I was a little winded when I knocked on the door. I didn’t care that I was sweating and probably looked a little crazy.

What I was about to
do
was crazy.

What I was about to do would change everything.

But I couldn’t hold it in any longer. The truth I was concealing was driving her away.

It was time I stopped messing around and stepped up.

“Oh, hello, Levi,” Mr. Dietz greeted me at the door, and he did not look very happy to see me.

“Hi, Mr. Dietz. Can I speak to Macallan, please?” I almost didn’t recognize my own voice, there was so much pleading in it.

He sighed, but opened the door. “She’s out back.”

I went through the house and saw Adam, who looked at me stone-faced. I’ve never seen him look so serious. That was when I knew I was in big trouble. I went to the door to the deck, where Macallan was sitting on the steps that led to the yard. My heart almost broke when I saw there were crumpled-up tissues at her side. I slid open the glass door, and her dad stopped me from closing it.

“Levi’s here,” he announced. She turned around and her eyes were red. “You going to be okay, Calley?”

I’d never heard her dad call her anything but Macallan. This was worse than I’d thought.

She gave him a tiny nod.

Then I heard Adam’s voice. “I’m going to be standing right here if you need anything. Anything at all.” He nodded sternly at me, like he wouldn’t hesitate for a second to take me down.

Adam’s loyalty was a stark contrast to how I’d been behaving. I’d never been so ashamed of myself.

“Hey,” I said as I gently maneuvered myself next to her on the step. “I know I’ve been saying this a lot lately, Macallan, but I’m sorry. I was being a grade-A jerk. I was confused about a lot of things and was trying to fit in. But I realize that none of it matters, none of it matters to me. I mean, except you.”