Better Than Before (RightMatch.com Trilogy) (16 page)

Nothing seemed to help. Her mind whirled to the past without her consent, which was a dual-edged sword. Sometimes, thinking about the extent Spence had gone to deceive her made her stand firm on her decision not to see him again. But often she remembered things that made her question her choices.

Sighing heavily, she set down the paper and stared out at the yard. The sun glistening off the grill was a perfect example of her confusion. When he’d come to her house that first night, he’d duped her badly, and she hadn’t put the pieces together until now. The expensive clothes, leather loafers like Keith wore and an expensive watch were signs she’d noticed and chosen to ignore.

On the other hand, she also remembered the conversation they’d had while she was grilling the fish and they’d begun to talk about feeling close to each other.…

What if you find out some things about me you don’t like?

That you leave your socks on the floor? That you hate broccoli, that you hold a part of yourself back?

Why would you say the last?

Because you do. But I can wait. You’re probably still doing that because of your wife.

What a fool she’d been. She’d sensed he was holding back all along. But she’d talked herself into believing him because of his love for the phantom Marianne, the wife who didn’t even exist. That prolonged lie probably hurt the most. She’d felt so sorry for him!

But now something else came to her. They’d talked about her feelings for him.…

I don’t want to play games and I sense you don’t either. I like you, Spence, a lot. And I want to touch you whenever we’re together. If we’re not on the same page, you should tell me now.

We are on the same page. I do feel the same about you. But there’s something we should talk about…

The phone had rung then and they’d gone off on the jealousy thing with Todd. Oh, dear Lord, had Spence been trying to tell her the truth then?

Unable to tolerate these recriminations, she tossed her paper into a folder and stood abruptly. She had to do something, so she trudged back into the house, with poor Jake lumbering along at her heels, and went upstairs to watch the news. She was exhausted, so maybe she’d even take a nap. But when she crawled onto the bed, other clues to his real identity that should have told her something surfaced: the comment about leaving his BlackBerry in the car; the flowers that cost over a hundred bucks; the expensive leather duffle and designer casual clothes he’d brought.

And last, Annie couldn’t deny that he’d point-blank tried to tell her something before they’d made love and she’d stopped him.…

Sweetheart, I need to talk to you before we do this.

Oh, no, no.
She’d looped her arms around his neck.
No talking.

Tears threatened as she recalled telling him she loved him. And he’d freaked but not because of what she’d thought.

You don’t have to say it back, Spence. I know how I feel.

He grasped her hand.
It’s not that. It’s…we need to talk.

You said that when you got here.

I know. Let’s get dressed for this. We’ll talk downstairs.

Had she really derailed his confession more than once?

And hell, did any of it matter anyway?

o0o

Spence felt like shit at the meeting Global Industries held on the first morning of the cruise. Though the clients got to play for four days, the partners had scheduled three sessions to work. It was hard to get them all together, so this opportunity couldn’t be passed up.

Despite the gentle rocking of the ship, Spence had a fitful night, tossing and turning in his cabin’s bed, thinking about his brothers’ advice, wondering how Annie was faring. The latter plagued him the most—was she hurting, had her sunny beliefs been dimmed by what he’d done to her, would she ever risk a relationship again? She’d told him she hadn’t made love with anybody but Keith, and dear God, she’d chosen him. But he’d blown it. If only he had some way of knowing if she had any second thoughts.

“Spence, can you give us a rundown on AllGreen?” Lester asked

They knew, of course, that Harold had suggested Spence take over the account. Actually, he’d said,
You’re at your best with a hatchet in your hand.

Annie would hate that description of him.

“I’ve had two meetings with Jacob Henderson. At first, I was sure we should close down the business. Now, I’m not. There’s new information to consider before I make that determination.” He focused on Harold. “I know you handed this one to me, but in light of these developments, if you’d like to handle the account now, go ahead.”

Harold sat back in his chair. Today he seemed older, the age lines around his mouth more noticeable. “No, I don’t think so. I didn’t make much progress with them.” He scanned the table. “Besides, it’s a moot point. I might as well tell you now; I’m retiring. I don’t have the stomach or the nerves for this wheeling and dealing anymore.”

There were congratulations, comments about Harold moving south, improving his golf skills, spending more time with Patty, then they got back to business.

Another partner took up the topic of AllGreen. “I’m glad you’re reconsidering the company’s feasibility, Spence. Truthfully, the environmental end of this will make the government happy and give us some positive PR.”

The others agreed and asked for periodic updates.

This all should have made him happy, but Spence wondered if he ever would be again.

o0o

Annie sat across from Todd Lucas in a booth at a chain restaurant, vaguely aware of the chatter of customers, the faint recitation of the specials for dinner and a group of waiters singing happy birthday off in another room.

Todd smiled over at her, his warm brown eyes peeking out above his reading glasses. “I wish you’d let me take you somewhere nicer.”

“This place is close to the college.” Where they’d met at four to plan her part in Art in the Elementary Classroom, for which she was now officially the teaching assistant. “Besides, I like it here.” If only because she’d never run into Spence at a restaurant chain.

“Who’s with the kids?” Todd asked before he picked up a menu.

“My mother. She has tonight off from her hostess job and loves to spend time with them.”

“I hope I get to meet her and your children someday.”

“Hmm.” She pretended to read the menu. No way was she ready for that. The thought of ever trusting a man to mingle with her children seemed far, far away.

So, the kids are off-limits?

Yes, of course. I assumed you knew that.

Damn Spence. She didn’t want to think about him while she was out with another man. Didn’t want to think about who
he
might be out with. The other Spence’s type had to be someone more glamorous and sophisticated than Annie, someone she could never compete with.

As she and Todd ate their fajitas, they made small talk about their families and then about her job applications.

When their meals were cleared Todd picked up a dessert menu. “They’ve got a great brownie sundae here. My kids love it. Want one?”

Don’t tell me, you
love
their ice cream.

“Actually, I’m full. But thanks anyway.”

Todd walked her to her car and when she opened the door, she turned to him. He was looking at her with pure male interest. Oh, God, what would she do if he tried to kiss her?

He didn’t. He squeezed her arm, asked to do this again, then let her get in the Civic.

Relieved, Annie drove home. She was so sad, she could barely stand it. It had been weeks and she hadn’t gotten over Spence. Instead, she was absolutely miserable.

Was he? Would it make any difference? Could things possibly be any worse?

o0o

“Place your bets, ladies and gentlemen.” The tuxedoed croupier put his hand on the roulette wheel as he made the announcement.

Spence had shed the jacket of his own tux when he sat down at the table. Now he placed his chips on an outside bet, Red 33.

The croupier launched the ball. The roulette wheel spun, the clatter muted by the other casino games and the loud shout of cheers when somebody won. After dinner, Spence had come into the ship’s gambling playground with Harold.

Just before the ball fell, the dealer called out, “No more bets. I repeat, no more bets.”

When the wheel stopped, he placed the dolly on the winning square. “Red, thirty-three.”

Spence said, “Yes!” which only reminded him of Annie’s reactions at bowling.

No, he wasn’t going to do this. He wasn’t going to let her intrude on everything. He’d finally accepted that she was done with him.

The dealer cleared the losing wagers and gave Spence his cash chips. He added them to his already substantial pile.

“You got all the luck,” Harold said.

Oh, yeah, Spence thought, I’m one lucky dog.

As the hours wore on, Spence risked more and more of his chips on straight inside bets, three numbered-sheet bets, and then picked a split bet. More frequently than not, he won.

He felt a hand on his shoulder at a particularly lucrative take. “Everything’s paying off for you tonight, big guy.”

Turning slightly, Spence found a redhead, martini glass in hand, wearing a skin-tight pink dress with a neckline that showed more than it covered. “That it is, darlin’.” He faced the table again without acknowledging the implied request for an invitation for her to sit next to him.

At ten, when he’d won enough money to pay for a year of Alex’s college, Spence decided to quit. He headed to the bar, ordered another Manhattan and was thinking about having a cigar out on the deck when the redhead approached him again.

“Did you know roulette was invented in France in 1842?”

“Nope, I didn’t know that.” He smiled at her. “Can I buy you a drink?”

“I thought you’d never ask.”

After another Manhattan and martini respectively, Spence studied the woman. She was a looker, with a blood-red, man-killer manicure, something he used to like. But suddenly he remembered Annie’s unpainted nails, on his shirt, his buttons, his bare chest.

The woman sidled in close to him. “Want to come back to my cabin, handsome?”

 “Um, no, I…not tonight.”

He left her abruptly, slipped out of the bar and climbed the stairs to the upper-level deck. Couples were scattered along the railing, standing close, gazing at the sea. He wondered if Annie had ever been on a cruise. If she’d like this atmosphere at all. And in the cold wind coming off the lake, he felt such an acute sense of loneliness that he could barely tolerate it. Though work today had been fulfilling, it wasn’t enough. Winning at roulette hadn’t been enough. And certainly a redhead wouldn’t be enough.

Was
Annie
enough to fill the void in his life? Even if she would, he wasn’t sure he could be the man she wanted, the man she thought he was, and still retain his own sense of self, the part of him that he liked.

 He gasped with a sudden realization. That was the crux of this—something that had been hovering in the edges of his consciousness since they’d split. He wanted forgiveness from Annie for his
lies
, not his lifestyle or his personality. Maybe the real question that kept him from calling her again was, Could he ever be enough for her as the man he was now?

Well, he thought as a gust of air slapped him in the face. There was only one way to find out. He needed to confront Annie and ask her.

o0o

Julia’s Café was busy tonight. It was almost ten o’clock, when the kitchen would close, and Annie had only one couple left to serve. Julia approached her as she was picking up their food. Annie’s stomach growled at the heavenly smells in the kitchen.

“Did you eat tonight?” her friend asked.

“When would I have done that?” Her tone was sardonic. In truth, she loved being this busy because she didn’t have time to think about Spence.

“I know it’s frantic on the floor. Good for the business, but hard on you guys.” Julia pushed back her hair, mussed from helping the wait staff.

“Don’t worry about it. I made tons of money.” She smiled at her friend. “I’m in a terrific mood anyway. I didn’t have time to tell you, but I have an interview this week for a teaching job. The school districts are trying to fill their spots before summer break. God, I hope I get a position.” And, damn it, her first impulse had been to tell Spence about the upcoming opportunity.

“Oh, honey, I’ll keep my fingers crossed. I know how much that means to you.” Julia had always been supportive of her teaching career and worried when Annie quit her job to stay home with the kids.

The food came up and Annie took it out to the customers. When she returned to the kitchen, Julia had a plate waiting for her at a small corner where the staff ate. “Now eat.”

“Sit with me.”

“For a minute. Then I’ll go check on your table.”

They made small talk about Julia’s boys, Alex and Hope, then her friend turned serious. “How are you, really? You look haggard.”

Annie had seen her gaunt look in the mirror every morning. “I’m not sleeping well.”

“It’s him, right?”

“Yes. I can’t help it, Jules, I think about him.” She took a bite of her fettuccine Alfredo, which Julia knew was her favorite.

“You made the right choice, Annie. Hold on to that. He’s not for you.”

“I know you don’t like him.”

“Even less now.” Julia bit her lip. “I went online and did a search of his company and their business deals. They’ve destroyed a lot of people’s lives.”

Annie didn’t want to hear this. She’d purposely stayed off the internet because she wasn’t sure she could handle the details about his real life. “He said he’d changed with me.”

“Men don’t change. Not their basic makeup.”

Thinking about Lauren, Annie frowned.

“You’re not going to forgive him, are you?” Julia asked.

“No, Jules. I haven’t seen or heard from him in weeks. But I can’t pretend I don’t miss him. Or at least how he was with me. I do. A lot.”

One of the other waiters came up to her. “Annie, your table wants more wine. Should I get it?”