Between Now and Goodbye (37 page)

'I was wrong. I made a mistake and I am so, so sorry. I shouldn't have done it, and I have no good reason why I did. All of my reasons involve my selfishness, and I'm really sorry for doing it. I hate myself for doing it. I should have respected you and your right to keep your past in the past.'

'I can't talk about this right now Julie. You really hurt me, and it's not the first time you've made me feel awful. It's not even the first time this summer. So, it's going to take time.'

'Ok.' I look down at the ground. 'Ok, I get it.'

'I'm going away for a bit.' She says after an awkward pause.

'Oh, vacation?'

'Not exactly.' Her eyes fill with tears. I know that I'm missing something, I'm just not sure what it is. I take a hesitant step towards her.

'What is it?'

'Char's mom...she's not going to make it...the cancer has spread.' She says, wiping the tears from her eyes. She starts telling me about the spread of the cancer, the results of the tests, and them telling his mom that she won't live much longer.

It's odd. I've known that she was ill, of course I did. I've seen her have seizures, and lose a bunch of weight. I've seen her exhausted and unable to eat sometimes. I've seen Charles having to carry her up to her bedroom, and hold her hair back while she vomits, and even though I usually managed to get out of there pretty fast when that stuff happened, I knew that it wasn't just some easy fix illness. I knew it was cancer, I knew it was a brain tumor, and I knew it was serious. I even said before that I thought she'd die, but the thing is, I never really thought that she would.

'He asked you to go with him?' I ask once she's done explaining everything.

'Yeah.' She shuffles her feet on the floor. Flip-flops scuffing against the marbled tiles. If this had happened at the start of summer, it would be me he would come to for support. I'd be the one he asked to go with him to the cabin. Not that I would have wanted to go, and I would have found some excuse, but still...knowing that I've burned my bridges with him hurts. I can't go back to being the girl he adores. I'm not her any more. I've reinvented myself style wise, and now I have to adapt to the fact that I'm not the closest person to Charles any more. Libby is, and that hurts, not because I want him back as my boyfriend. I know that I don't love him, but I never wanted to lose him as a friend.

I've somehow managed to get my parents angry enough at me for them to send me to boarding school. Alienate my boyfriend by dumping him and then acting awfully towards him, and i
f that wasn't enough, I pushed away my best friend by bringing her abusive father back into her life. I've not been on fine form this summer.

'Julie.' Libby claps her hands in front of my face.

'Sorry, what did you say?'

'I asked if you had the camera. I have a lot of stuff I need to get done today.' She says.

'Oh yeah.' I nod, 'I'll get it.'

I grab the camera from my room, and hurry back down the stairs to rejoin Libby. I don't hand it over right away though.

'Libby, do you ever think you'll be able to forgive me for what I did?'

'I don't know.' Libby shrugs her shoulders, 'It hurt.'

'I know.'

'And it's not the first thing you've done that's been less than...good.'

'I know that too, and I'm really trying to make a change.' I say earnestly.

'Making a change means more than changing your clothes and hair.' She says.

'I know.' I feel like a child being told off.

'I should go.'

'Could you tell Charles that I'm sorry...about his mom and...just sorry about everything I've put him through.'

'I think it would be better coming from you.'

'I'm sure it would be, but he's not exactly speaking to me right now.'

'Ok, sure, I'll tell him.' Libby gives me the smallest of smiles. It's sad and hurt and I hate that she looks at me like that now. 'Bye Julie.'

Forty Six – Libby

The pictures of the cabin that we pinned up onto Charles' mom's wall, don't even begin to do justice to the beautiful lake, or the rustic wooden cabin, which is large and amazing. It's set just a little way back from the water's edge. It has a wrap around porch, and from the front of the house, you can sit on the porch and get a stunning view of the lake, and the jetty.

There are several houses around the lake, each separated from the next by a large cluster of tall trees, reaching up into the summery blue sky, which is lightly brushed with white clouds, like flecks of wool of a painted canvas. Delicate and soft.

Each of the houses around the lake have their own small wooden jetty, and a little row boat tied to the end of each one of them.

Inside the house is also impressive. The walls are wood, and covered in paintings in driftwood frames. There's mismatched old furniture in all of the rooms, giving the whole place a cozy feel. In the lounge, there's a wood burning fire, and out back there's an actual block with an ax for chopping wood.

The kitchen has a wonderfully inviting country cottage feel to it. I could easily lose hours cooking in the kitchen in this house.

Upstairs there are four bedrooms, the first is the master which Charles' mom will have. The second is one that Katie, Georgia and I will be sharing. The third will be Sean and Lewis, and then the last is where April will be. Normally the room April is in would be Charles', but this is the first year that April has been here, considering she hadn't been born the last time they came here, so Charles is sleeping on the couch. Despite my best efforts to get him to let me sleep there, he wouldn't hear of it.

Right now I'm wandering around the small town which is a ten minute walk from the cabin. I came to explore, while also offering to pick up some food for dinner, while Charles gets all of the luggage unloaded, and his mom settled in.

I've brought Georgia and Sean into town with me, and currently we're walking around the market, choosing some things from a wide selection of local produce.

Wandering around in the sunshine, in this beautiful place. It's easy to forget why we're here, what it is that's brought us here. It's easy to forget how this summer is going to end.

'Libby,' Sean tugs on my hand as we pass a stall selling freshly baked pastries and cakes, 'Can we get cake?'

'Not from here.' I say, gently leading him along.

'But why?' He whines.

'Because I'm going to be baking a cake.' I reply. 'Remember, we just went to the store and bought everything to make a cake.'

'Oh.' He grumbles a little, but then his eyes catch sight of the stall selling seafood. I already know it won't be as fresh as the seafood back home at the market where Charles works, because Arizona is landlocked. Still, it doesn't look bad, and seafood is by far my favorite thing to work with.

'It has eyes.' Georgia stares at a large fish on the table in front of us, 'That's so cool. Can we get it?'

'It's not alive stupid.' Sean mocks.

'I know that,' Georgia sticks out her tongue. 'I want to eat it.'

'I'll think about it.' I say, smiling at the guy behind the stall, who seems surprised by her reaction to the fish. My eyes aren't drawn to the fish though, instead I'm interested in the large crabs off to one side. 'How fresh are those?' I ask, pointing at the crabs.

'Flown in fresh this morning.' He replies, 'My brother runs a fishing business in California, and we get fresh fish flown in each day. A delivery in the morning and one in the afternoon.'

'Great.' I pick out a few of them.

'What are we having?' Georgia asks.

'Crab cakes,' I reply, 'you can help me make them if you like.'

'Ok.' She grins up at me as we move onto the stall filled with brightly colored fruits and vegetables.

'What do you guys think of having a salad with the crab cakes?'

'Ew.' They both say together.

'What if,' I smile at them and reach for an avocado, 'I put this in the salad?'

'But,' Sean frowns at me, 'that's not for salads.'

'It'll go in my salad.' I reply, 'We'll need avocados, some of the crab that we'll be using for the crab cakes, some vine tomatoes, Serrano peppers, corn, red onion, limes and cilantro. How does that sound?' I ask them. The woman behind the stall looks excited to have a large list of things to sell, and she busies herself collecting them together. Asking me quantities as she goes.

'It doesn't sound like any salad I've ever eaten.' Georgia replies.

'Do you want to try it?' I ask.

'Ok.' She hesitates.

'It'll be great, I promise.'

It's hot as we start walking back to the cabin. There's hardly a breath of air to break up the heat, so we take the walk slowly. Stopping every now and then to take sips of the drinks we bought for the walk home. Right now we're sitting under a tall tree, having a break before we take on the final stretch of road.

'Charles says that mommy's not going to be coming home with us when we leave.' Georgia says suddenly, she looks up at me, her little eyes wide as she holds my gaze, 'he says that she won't be at the house when we go back, that it'll just be us kids.'

'That's right.' I nod, my heart constricting. I wonder if they can understand what's happening, if at five they're old enough to know what death is.

'He says that mommy's going to die.' Georgia presses her lips together, 'Mommy says that it means she won't be here any more, that I won't get to see her, not ever.'

'That's right.' I pull her up onto my lap.

'Is it like how daddy went away?' She asks.

'Not exactly.' I say. 'Your mom is very sick, you know that right?'

'Yeah.' Georgia nods, 'It's been really bad for a long time. I've never known someone be ill for so long.'

'It is really bad, and her body can't fight it anymore, she's too tired. Do you understand?'

'So...' Georgia curls herself towards me, 'It's like she needs a really long sleep, and she won't wake up from it?'

'That's it.' I nod, 'And if she could, I know she'd fight it and stay with you, because she loves you so much.'

'Daddy didn't love us.' Sean says, 'That's what Lewis says, he says that dad didn't love us and that's why he went away. Katie says it's because he was a coward, but I don't know what that is.'

'Your dad did love you, he does love you.' I ruffle his hair, 'But sometimes staying around and facing something difficult, isn't easy to do, and it takes a lot of strength. Your dad couldn't handle what happened, but he loves you, even if he can't be with you to show it. He does love you.'

'Did your dad love you?' Georgia asks, 'Because I heard Katie tell your sister that your dad was evil. Is he evil?'

'He...he did some awful things.' I reply. 'He hurt people.'

'My dad hurt people.' Georgia says. 'My mommy cried and cried when he left. I did too, because he always used to read me a bedtime story, and then he was gone.'

'I know.' I hold her close to me.

'I miss him a lot.' Sean replies.

'Sometimes,' Georgia whispers, 'I have a dream that he comes home, and we all live happily again, but...but mommy's not going to come home with us.'

'No.' I shake my head.

'And...my daddy isn't going to come home, is he?'

'I don't know.' I say honestly, 'He might at some point.'

'But for now...' Georgia pulls out of my arms and looks up at me, 'It's Charles in charge, right?'

'Right.' I nod.

'I think I'm ok with that,' she smiles, 'He tells good stories.'

Forty Seven – Charles

I'm sitting out on the front porch with my mom. I finally got all of the luggage unloaded and delivered to the right rooms, and now I'm taking ten minutes to sit down, before I head back inside to start unpacking things.

Libby took Sean and Georgia into town to get dinner things, because as she said when we got here, she's the one who's obsessed with cooking. So as far as she's concerned, shopping for, preparing and cooking the meals while we're here, is her job. I didn't argue with her, because for starters, she's stubborn when she wants to be, secondly, I really could use the help, and thirdly I'd be a fool to ever turn down Libby's cooking. She's that good.