Between Now and Goodbye (41 page)

'So I guess we can just pretend like that never happened.' Libby says. Is she as confused as I am? Does she really want to pretend it never happened? Or does she just think that's what I want?

'I, uh... what do you think?'

'I think that you're going through a lot right now, and you needed someone to be here for you, and I was here.' She replies, 'I think this is probably a bad time for you to be...thinking about...relationships or...anything.'

'You're probably right.'

'I think,' she licks her lips and looks down at the ground, 'that maybe a part of you isn't over Julie, and you're maybe trying to convince yourself that you are, before she gets here.'

'No.' I say it quickly, because for some reason it's really important to me that Libby doesn't think I still have feelings for Julie, because I don't. 'I promise you Libs, I am completely over Julie. We weren't right for a long time, and I've realized that I'm over her. I care about her as a friend, and I'd like to fix our friendship if I can, but that's all.'

'And,' again, she licks her lips, 'you care about me as a friend, right?'

'Right.' I nod, and her eyes lift to mine. For a fraction of a second I think she's upset about what I just said. 'Libs, we're best friends you and me. I don't want to lose you.'

'You never would.'

'So I haven't messed things up?' I ask.

'Of course not.' She shrugs. 'It surprised me, but I don't think it's going to affect our friendship. What's one little kiss, right?' She looks almost tearful now, which is when it hits me. Libby hasn't ever been kissed before, not until a few moments ago when I kissed her. I knew that, she'd told me before. I knew and I still kissed her, and now there's no taking it back. Her first kiss will always be from me, someone she only sees as a friend, and someone who only sees her as...what do I see her as?

'I'm so sorry Libs.'

'Don't be,' she brushes away a few stray tears and laughs lightly, 'it wasn't awful.'

'Yeah?' I smile.

'Yeah,' she smiles back at me, 'why was it awful for you?'

'No.' Again, my response is too quick, and she laughs loudly.

'We are really making a mess of this.' She replies, 'But then I don't really know what I'm meant to say, or how I'm supposed to act in a situation like this.'

'I think you're doing fine.' I reply. 'I really am sorry.'

'Char, it's fine, honestly, it's really fine.' She takes my hand and squeezes it lightly. 'Come on we should get inside, people will be waking up soon, and they're going to be hungry. So I should get started making breakfast, and I'm sure that you've got things you need to be doing as well.'

'Probably.' I say, though for the life of me, I can't remember a single thing I have to do today. She stands up first, wrapping her towel around her and tying her hair up out of her face. I follow a few seconds later, and we both head towards the house together.

I don't see Libby for the rest of the day. She's busy taking the kids swimming, and then she goes into town, and I get the awful feeling that she's trying to avoid me. I try telling myself that I'm being paranoid, that of course she isn't avoiding me, because we're fine. Nothing has changed between us, we're still friends. I haven't messed anything up, I can't have.

When I do finally see her, she's sitting outside with my mom, and both of them are smiling happily. I watch them for a few moments. Libby has an old photograph album on her lap, and I can just imagine my mom showing her embarrassing pictures from my childhood. I think about going over there, sitting with them and defending the awful haircut I had when I was thirteen. Instead, I just watch them while they talk and laugh.

'You're staring.' Katie's voice startles me so much that I jump, whacking my arm into the porch railing as I do.

'No, I'm not.' I say quickly, checking to make sure that my mom and Libby haven't heard me. They haven't turned around, so I think I'm safe.

'I've been watching you for the past five minutes, and you've been staring the whole time.'

'Apparently so were you.' I point out.

'I was observing.' She replies, 'Libby looks pretty tonight.'

'Yeah.' I say before I can think about what I'm saying. 'I mean...I guess so, I didn't really notice.'

'Uh-huh.' The disbelief is clear in Katie's voice, and I don't have the strength or desire to fight her on it.

'So what if I noticed that Libby looks pretty?' I cross my arms over my chest, 'it doesn't mean anything.'

'Perhaps not,' Katie smiles, 'but then again, maybe it does.'

'Katie we came out here because mom's seriously ill, not for me to get a new girlfriend.'

'Why can't it be both?' Katie asks.

'Because it can't. I have other priorities and let's face it, I'm not the greatest catch right now.' I say, because really I'm not. I'm a seventeen year old guy, whose mom is dying, and who is about to take on full responsibility for five kids. I'm not a great prospect for a boyfriend and Libby deserves so much more than me. Not that I want to be Libby's boyfriend, because I don't. I don't think.

'Shouldn't that be something that Libby gets to decide?'

'Ok, firstly, Libby is my best friend and she's not interested in becoming more than my best friend. Secondly, I shouldn't be thinking about finding a new girlfriend when mom is dying.' I say it fast and Katie's teasing smile drops. I should have thought before I spoke. 'Sorry.'

'No, it's fine,' she looks out towards mom and Libby, 'we all know that mom's not going to get better, it's just tough hearing it.'

'I know.' I sigh slowly.

'But Charles, don't you think mom would want you to be happy? Don't you think she'd want you to find love?'

'I don't love Libby.' I reply quickly.

'Ok, so you don't love Libby, but you could.'

'Why would you say that?'

'Because dummy, I'm not blind and I'm not a kid. I've seen the way you look at her sometimes, and just recently, it's changed. You're starting to like her in a different way to just best friends. You're acting off around her sometimes, and then sometimes you just look at her like you can't believe you get to spend your time with someone that great.'

'I don't do any of that.' I say quickly. Katie pats my arm.

'Just remember, it's ok for you to fall for someone while mom's ill. You don't have to push away any chance of finding someone you want to be with. Mom wouldn't want that.'

'I need to be focusing on mom.'

'Let's ask her, shall we?' Katie starts walking fast towards them, and I hurry to catch her up, hoping to stop her before she gets them, but she's too fast.

'Hi.' Mom smiles up at both of us as we reach them, and Libby looks up as well. Her eyes catch mine and for a second my heart seems to stop in my chest. Which has to be my imagination, because friends don't make other friends hearts stop, just by looking at them.

'Mom, I had a question.' Katie says, giving me a smug smile.

'No, she really doesn't.' I say firmly.

'Oh, but I do.' Katie's smile turns sweet and innocent and she looks back at mom.

'Katie.' I warn.

'I was just wondering if I could go into town tonight, there's a band playing and I'd like to go and see.' She says and I let out a sigh of relief.

'What time does it end?' Mom asks.

'Around midnight.'

'Then you can't go on your own.' Mom answers, 'Charles will have to take you, but only if he's willing to.'

'I'll take her.' Libby offers, 'It sounds like fun.'

'Thank you.' Katie hugs her tightly, 'You're amazing.' She adds and then gives me a look, which makes me want to stand on her foot to get her to stop being so obvious. 'Charles don't you think she's amazing?'

'I think you should get inside and do the dishes if you want to go out tonight.' I say, aware that my mom is giving me an odd look. She knows something is up.

'You big brother, are no fun.'

'Good.' I say as she stalks off back to the house, 'Throwing a smile over her shoulder.

'What was all that about?' My mom asks.

'Nothing.' I say too quickly.

Fifty One – Julie

I sleep the entire flight from North Carolina to Arizona, and only wake up when I'm shaken
by one of the flight attendants. Normally after a flight I'd go directly to the bathrooms, change my clothes, fix my hair and reapply my make-up. Today I don't feel like doing any of that. I don't even worry that my black and white striped skirt is wrinkled, or that my black sleeveless blouse looks like it was just picked up off the floor and thrown on. I don't care that my short hair must look messy from sleeping, or that the heavy black eye makeup I put on, must have smudged a little during the flight.

I don't care about any of it, because all I care about is finding Libby and apologizing again and again, until she forgives me.

I get my luggage, just one bag because I didn't want to travel with a tonne of stuff. Then I make my way towards the front entrance where Libby said she'd wait for me.

I'm inexplicably nervous as I spot her. She hasn't seen me yet, because she's turned slightly away from the direction I'm coming from. She's leaning against a tall pillar, drinking coffee. She looks nice. A coral knee length skirt with a white pattern over it, and a simple white camisole. Her hair is down, and as I get closer, I see that she looks relaxed. Way more relaxed than I'm feeling.

When she spots me, she smiles, and that makes my heart leap. Maybe she isn't as angry with me now as she was before.

I hurry over, pulling my case behind me and stop myself just short of hugging her. I know that's probably pushing it too far.

'Hi.' I smile at her. 'How are you?'

'Fine.' She looks at me and then my bag. 'Where's the rest of your stuff?'

'This is it.' I reply, and she raises an eyebrow at me. 'I know, weird right.'

'A lot of weird has been happening.' She replies, and then shakes her head like she regrets saying it. The old me would have pushed her to explain what she meant, but I'm working on being better.

'How's Charles?'

'He's...coping.' Libby shrugs.

'And his mom?'

'She's actually had a few really good days since we got here, it's hard to believe sometimes that she's so sick.' Libby starts walking towards the parking lot.

'It's strange, but I never really considered the fact that she would die.'

'I know, me either.' Libby taps her finger against the side of her coffee cup. 'I thought she'd manage to pull through, but it's spread too quickly.'

'I feel awful, not being there for Charles this summer.'

'Well, you have your chance to make it up to him now.'

'Yeah.' I nod as we get into the car, 'So, has anything interesting happened while you guys have been here?'

'No.' She says it fast and avoids eye contact. Interesting. Then she starts the engine, her cheeks warm.

'Something has happened.' I smile, 'I can tell, I may not always show it, but I do know how to read you. Something has happened, and at a guess, I'd say it involves a boy.'

'Julie,' Libby shakes her head, 'I really don't want to talk about it, ok?'

'Ok.' For a moment I'd forgotten that she was mad at me. I'd thought we could sit and talk like normal. Share things and laugh over them. Talk about boys.

'How are things at home?' She asks.

'Fine.' I shrug. 'I went by your house before I left. I apologized to your family for what I did. I don't think any of them were happy to see me, but your mom accepted my apology.'

'That's good then.' Libby says, hanging her hand out of the window. 'And your family?'

'Good.' I reply. 'I had a long chat with my mom the other day. She told me a lot of stuff that I didn't know. Stuff about Charles.'

'Really?'

'Yeah,' I nod, at least this will give us something to talk about, 'Apparently when I started dating him, my parents offered to pay for him to come to my school, and Charles turned them down.'

'Oh.' Libby keeps her eyes straight ahead.

'Oh?' I thought she's have more to say than that, and that's when it hits me, 'You already knew?'

'I... yeah, I did.'

'He told you?'

'He spoke to me about it at the time. He was upset, and needed someone to talk to about it. He kind of felt too embarrassed to talk to you about it.'

'You don't have to explain, I get it.' I feel an odd sort of feeling come over me, like I know I should have been the kind of person he could speak to about it. Instead, I was the person who would have made him feel even more embarrassed about it, and I know why. It's because I would have pushed him to accept the tuition money. I wouldn't have listened to his point of view, I would have made him feel guilty for not wanting to take the money. Libby, on the other hand, would have sat with him and listened, and she would have understood. She wouldn't have fed him ideas of what his opinion should be, she would have just respected him. 'I really wasn't a good girlfriend was I?'