Between Now and Goodbye (43 page)

'What are we doing?' He asks quietly.

'I don't know.' I say honestly, and then I pull him towards me and kiss him. He kisses back instantly, his arms around my waist.

When the kiss breaks, it's only for a second, and then he's kissing me again. A series of small, light kisses and then a deeper, longer one.

My eyes are closed, his hands are on my waist. Mine are at the back of his neck, fingers tangling in his hair.

'So...' He says, resting his forehead against mine, 'Not just friends.'

'No,' I say with a small smile, he kisses me quickly, 'not just friends.'

Fifty Three – Charles

I'm dating Libby. As surreal as that seems each time I think the words, it's true. I'm dating Libby, and I have been for the past week. Ever since we ran out into the trees and she kissed me, we've been together. We've been keeping it quiet though. Nobody knows for sure, though, I am pretty certain that Katie knows and Julie, I think, suspects something. This is most probably due to the fact that I can't pass Libby without brushing my hand against hers, and I can't look at her without smiling.

Libby makes me ridiculously happy, which makes me feel guilty, because the day that Libby and I got together after dancing around in the lounge, was the last good day that my mom's had. Ever since then she's been in bed, getting sicker and sicker, smaller and smaller.

It's hard to put the two things together. On one side my mom is dying and I'm seeing her die every single day. On the other hand, my feelings for Libby are growing fast and being with her makes me happy. Mostly I just feel guilty about being happy about anything, which is part of the reason why Libby and I aren't telling people that we're now a couple.

Today my mom is having another bad day. She's sleeping up in her room, and she made me promise that I wouldn't sit around the house and watch her all day. She made me promise I'd take the kids down to the lake, and that if she needed me, she'd phone me.

So that's where we all are. The kids are paddling with Libby, while I'm sitting on the jetty with Julie.

'I'm really sorry about your mom Charles.' Julie doesn't look at me as she speaks, and I wonder what it's like for her being here. Does she feel out of place when she's around me and Libby? She never used to, but then I was always closer to Julie than Libby, but now it's different. Now Julie has done too many things for me to ignore who she is, or forgive completely what she's done at the moment.

If it was just me that she's tried to change, or had hurt. Then I could have dealt with that. I probably would have kept on acting as if nothing was wrong, as if she could treat me any way she liked. It wasn't just me though, she hurt Libby as well, and as soon as she did that, I knew things would be different.

She is making an effort though. Since we've been here, she's been helping with chores around the house, watching the kids and even though she still walks out of the room when my mom gets really sick, she is making an effort.

'Thanks Julie.' I say, because really, what else can you say when someone says they're sorry that your mom is dying.

'And I'm sorry for everything else. I'm sorry I wasn't a supportive girlfriend, I'm sorry I told you I loved you when I didn't. I'm sorry I tried to stop you moving on, even when I wasn't interested in getting back together. I'm sorry that I left your brothers and sisters alone when I said I'd watch them, and I'm really, really sorry for what I did to Libby.'

'You don't need to apologize to me for what you did to Libby.' I smile as I say Libby's name. I can't help it. My eyes drift towards where she's standing in a shallow part of the water, where it comes up to her hips. She has April balanced on her hip, and she's dipping her down into the water as far as April's shoulders, and then bringing her back up before going back down.

'I've been apologizing to Libby, I keep on apologizing, but I don't think she's forgiven me yet.'

'Well, give it some time, Libby has a good heart, she'll forgive you when she's ready.'

'So... you kind of like her, huh?'

'What?' Suspicion confirmed, Julie definitely suspects something. Now I have it confirmed and it's making me a little bit uneasy.

'Libby,' she smiles, 'you sort of like her, as in more than friends.'

'I...would it bother you if I did?' I ask.

'It probably would have if you'd fallen for her before all the stuff happened with her dad.'

'Because it would have been so close to us breaking up?'

'No,' she shakes her head, 'because back then I kind of thought that I...owned you.'

'Seriously?'

'I know,' she lifts her hands up in the air, 'I was stupid and selfish and I'm sorry, but there's the truth. I thought in some twisted way that because I'd been your first girlfriend, that you belonged to me, and even though I didn't want to be with you anymore, I still wanted you to love me.'

'Ok,' I nod and catch her eye, 'So what changed?'

'I blew up my friendship with Libby, and by extension with you.' She shrugs her shoulders, 'After that happened, I sort of started to look at myself, really look and that's when I realized I needed to make some changes.'

'Yeah, I kind of noticed you'd made some changes.' I say, nodding towards her. The last time I saw her before she arrived here, she was dressed like someone from Renaissance France, and now she's a sixties starlet.

'I don't just mean my appearance.' She laughs, 'Though I'll admit that was the first thing that changed.'

'Are you really serious about making changes Julie?'

'I really am. You guys were right. I've been selfish and the way I treat people...it's not right and I can't keep doing it. I don't want to be the kind of person who pushes people over to get what she wants, or what she thinks she deserves. I've hurt my family, and my two closest friends. I'm being sent away to boarding school.'

'In France.' I raise an eyebrow.

'Ok, yes so it's a boarding school that I actually want to go to, but that's the other thing. I'm going to a new school, in a new country. I get the perfect chance for a clean slate and I truly intend to make Julie 2.0 a better version. I want to say goodbye to the old me.'

'You have it in you to be so good you know. You do kind things and sometimes you make people feel so good about themselves, but you need to watch the side of yourself that slips into thinking you can control people.'

'I know.' She sighs. 'I don't want to lose you or Libby as friends, you know that right?'

'I'm starting to see that.' I reply.

'And for the record.' She stands up and smiles at me, 'I think you and Libby are going to be really good together.'

'Thanks.' I smile, 'But we're not telling people yet.'

'Fair enough. I won't say anything, I promise.' She smiles again and then goes into the water to join Libby and the others.

Back at the house, Libby, Katie, Julie and I work together to get the younger ones into bed. It takes us way longer than it should, mostly because April decides to be really fussy, which of course sets off the others not wanting to sleep. It takes us until eleven thirty to get everyone into bed, and by then Julie is exhausted and heads to bed herself, though I suspect it's more to do with giving Libby and I some time alone, because Katie also scampers off to sit with mom, who's been having trouble sleeping at night.

So now Libby and I are sitting on the porch, watching the stars from the swing. She's curled up against my side, and I have my arm wrapped around her. At the same time it feels strange to be sitting like this with her, and yet so natural as well.

'What are you thinking about?' Libby asks quietly. She curls her legs up onto the seat and it sways with her movement.

'You and my mom and how surreal this summer has been.' I reply.

'Bittersweet.' She replies. 'I guess you could call it that. A lot more bitter than sweet.'

'I wish we could just freeze this moment and stay here forever. You and me here together, happy. My mom alive. I wish we could freeze that day when you and I became us.' I smile slightly, kissing the top of her head, 'everyone was so happy that day.'

'If I could turn the clocks back and freeze it for you, I would.'

'Thank you for coming out here with me. I couldn't have managed any of this without you.' I kiss her head again. 'You're amazing.'

'I'm not amazing, I just really like you.' She replies, and that's enough. That's all I need to slip into relaxation.

We sit quietly, talking now and again, but mostly just enjoying being with each other in this new way. To us at the moment, every kiss, every brush of the hand is new and exciting. I only hope that this feeling can last.

Fifty Four – Julie

Over the course of one summer, everything has changed. For me, my relationship with Libby and Charles will never be the same. Even now that it's healed to a place where they're both happy to talk to me, and Libby has even told me that she forgives me for what I've done. I know we'll never get the closeness back that we used to have, but I'm starting to think that's ok.

The two of them will always be my friends. Whenever I come home from school and college, or when I'm older and I visit my parents from whichever city I end up living in. I'll always make time to see Libby and Charles. They'll be my hometown friends, because I know that they'll be there.

I think to a certain extent it was always going to happen, whether I was leaving for France or not, and whether I had acted so terribly to them or not. I was always on a different path to them, one which would naturally create distance between us.

I'm moving on. I'm going to boarding school and then college, and I don't plan on moving back to Carver Key when I graduate. I'll be in New York, or L.A, or maybe even Paris or London. I'll be starting up my fashion magazine and working hard to achieve the goal that I've had in place since I first developed my love of fashion when I was five.

I plan on being a jet setting business woman, who flits between fashion events all year round. Zipping across to Tokyo, or Milan at the drop of a hat to discover more trends, look into styles and use that in the magazine which I'm going to make amazing.

I'm leaving, and they're staying.

Charles' plans had always been to graduate from high school, leave Carver Beach to go to college, and then medical school. After that he was planning on setting up in a big city ER, and if I'm honest, I always kind of thought that he would pick whatever city I was in. Even though I didn't intend on ever staying with him past high school graduation, unless we somehow ended up at the same college, which was always unlikely since his top choices were not the same as mine. He didn't know that though, and I always thought that to some extent, his plans for the future would work me in. I know now that they won't.

His plans got changed as soon as his mom got sick and his dad walked out. Now his future plans, at least until April is old enough for him to go to college, involve him staying in Carver and living in the same house. It involves him working at the fish market, and maybe someday going to college and medical school.

Libby will leave Carver. She'll find herself a place at a fantastic culinary school and she'll work hard and learn tonnes. She'll visit home whenever she can, and I truly believe that she'll stay with Charles. I should have seen it before now. The two of them are perfect together.

Once she's done with college, she'll return to Carver, just like she always planned to. She'll work in local restaurants, and save up to start her own seafood place, which of course will be a roaring success. She'll stay with Charles, and they'll probably end up getting married, probably before either of them are twenty four, and they'll have their own little happily ever after.

My own life isn't so clear to picture. I don't have a set course beyond my career plans. I don't know if I'll end up happily married in my twenties, or if my career will take over until I'm in my thirties or forties.

I don't know where I'll live after graduation, and I don't know if I'll ever find someone who compliments me as much as Charles and Libby compliment each other.

All I know for certain is that I'm leaving for France in nineteen days on the first of September. Once I'm there I can be whoever I want to be, and I'm hoping that I'll be able to find my real self. The person I want to be, who doesn't hurt her friends and push people away. The kind of person who doesn't get bored and do stupid things like setting buildings on fire. I want to be the kind of person who means it when they say they love someone. Frankly, I want to be the kind of person who deserves the love that Charles gave to me.