Beyond 4/20 (35 page)

He chucked the hammer into the bed of his truck. “I’m about to call it a night.”

He was weak this night, mostly because he was so worn out. Actually, he was running out of steam entirely. Fighting his feelings was beginning to take its toll on him. Trying to pretend what happened didn’t happen was eating him alive. Who cared about the long hours he put in or the little sleep he was running on day after day? What mattered was that his marriage was suffering. His wife was clearly suffering. He had all but checked-out on her.

“That’s not how I feel, what you heard that day. Something happened. It’s like I fell backwards in time when I walked into that closet. That’s all it was, just that moment but no other time.”

He moved closer to her and held up his hand. “Don’t. Let’s just put it behind us.”

“No. I need to tell you this. What you saw was the old me, the one who used to love him that way. I got lost for a minute, that’s all.”

She reached for him, trying to touch his face. “I’m yours, not his.”

He grabbed her wrist, preventing her from touching him.

“No, you’re not. I’m yours, Chelsea, but you are anything but mine.”

It came out louder than he intended. Actually, he was shouting at her but found he could do little else. What he felt had been bottled up inside of him all along, even before that day. Always he felt like the second place runner up. He was.

Then as he looked down at her, the obvious hurt in her eyes caused him to soften his tone considerably.

“Who knows, maybe this is all that’s left, half of you.”

Wounded by his words, she asked, “Is that what you think? Is that what you feel I give you, only half of me?”

From the moment they married she had believed she was giving him what he needed; never did she hold back from him, so to hear him say it wasn’t enough was devastating.

She took a step back. “I’m sorry I’m not doing this right.”

Clearly she was on the verge of tears, and the last thing he wanted was to hurt her. So he assured her, “You
are
doing it right. You’re a great wife. I didn’t mean it that way. I just know there’s something of you missing.”

“Tuck, I don’t know how to make this better.”

He moved in closer. “You don’t have to make this better. We’ll get through this.”

Cupping her face in his hands, he asked, “Do you think it surprised me? I knew the condition. I knew that’s where your heart was, and I love you anyway. Always have. That’s what unconditional love is all about.” If anyone understood that, he did.

“He never had to fight for you like this. You gave him everything, and all he had to do was show up and take it. How could he ever know what unconditional love was if you never set a condition for him to overcome?”

Maybe that’s what had infuriated him most. It all came so easily for John. He had millions of dollars, enough to make her a princess. He rode into town on his white horse and Chelsea just fell right back into his arms, no questions asked, no matter how much he had hurt her.

“But you know what? No matter the condition, I’m still in the game. I’m not giving up. I’m still just as willing to fight for you.”

He stopped and took a step back, knowing that hadn’t been true lately. “I’ll get back in the fight. For now, though, I’m just tired.”

Exhausted actually, so he rubbed the back of his neck and moved over to sit on the steps.

Looking up at her, he told her, “I’m sorry I’ve been so distant. It’s not what I intended. It just happened.” He hung his head, admitting, “I’m miserable without you. I s’pose I’m a little lost myself, and I don’t know how to get back.”

Chelsea went to sit with him on the steps and rubbed his neck for him. Clearly, he was at the very limit of what any man could withstand both physically and emotionally. As much as she had begged him to, he wouldn’t slow down, but maybe she could at least reach him on the emotional level, so she said, “You’re wrong about him.”

When he sighed, exasperated that she was defending John, she hurriedly added, “He was so jealous of you. He had nightmares of us together, you and me. For weeks he didn’t sleep. He paced and stewed over it. There was a period of weeks that he was disengaged, just like this.”

Tuck sat quietly for a moment, allowing her words to sink in. Finally, he asked, “Why was he jealous of me?”

“Because he knew I loved you. There was a part of me that you had that I couldn’t take back.” Chelsea laced her fingers through his. “Remember that day I came back from your place, the day we held each other by the barn?”

He nodded and looked at her wondering if she knew what that day did to him emotionally. How he hardly ever experienced a day afterward that he didn’t think of holding her as they cried. The feel of her clinging to him haunted him, causing him to long for her and then repent of it, then long again and repent.

“I cried all the way home. I tried to pull it together when I got there, but I lost it again. He asked me if I loved you, and I was honest with him. I never, ever stopped loving you. At the time, he didn’t say much, but it began to fester and boil inside of him.”

“How did he get past it?”

“I don’t know that he ever did completely, but when I got pregnant with Sara Beth, he felt less threatened. Once she was born, he never really mentioned it again.”

How similar were those times to what she was experiencing with Tuck.

“He reacted just as you have because no matter what, you had a piece of me. Now with you, I’m living out the same distance and silence, and I don’t know how to get back from this place. I feel lost and alone here.”

Tuck could hardly believe what she was saying. The idea of John in his shoes, feeling the incompleteness of her love, was more than shocking, it was a bit comforting. To know John continued on loving her in spite of her feelings for him caused Tuck to respect him a little more. Considering it now, maybe that shined a little light on the wedding day intrusion. He was jealous even beyond the grave. Tuck had to figure it made perfect sense.

“I’m sorry I’ve hurt you. You’ve never been anything but honest with me, and I meant what I said. It really wasn’t a surprise, but it hurt to hear it nonetheless.”

He lifted her hand to his lips and kissed it.

No matter how much she tried to explain it, the truth that John wasn’t at all her daily focus or even her weekly or monthly focus, Tuck would never believe otherwise. The more she tried to, what he would see as back pedal, the guiltier she appeared. That day in the closet was truly a staggering moment, one that she had not seen coming and certainly one that she didn’t ever want to explore again. How she once felt meant nothing to her anymore; what mattered was who was currently in her heart and that was her husband.

“Tuck, I need you to come back to me. I’m dying without you. I truly am.”

Moving in, she kissed him. When he slid his arms around her for the first time in weeks, she felt as if she were really being held. The intensity with which he kissed her left no room for doubt that he was engaged with her, willing to do whatever it took to find his way back. Still, what had happened wasn’t something so easily overcome, but she would fight for him; she would fight for them, just as he had always done.

Lifting her over into his lap, he hoarsely whispered, “I need you now.”

“You have me.”

Right there in the place he considered his altar before God, he made love to his wife. All the while he prayed, thanking God for her no matter the pain that came along with loving her.

Chapter 19

T
he fall and winter months passed by so quickly, so filled with excessive busyness that not so much time was devoted to relationship worries. Somehow, thankfully, they had settled back into a comfortable relationship, maybe not totally intact, but much better. He wasn’t as distant, or at least when he was it was the exception and not the rule. Still, there was some turbulence there, a bit of volatility under the surface. Chelsea tried her best to put what happened behind them. As she promised, she was patient with him in those moments of obvious distance. She could tell by simply looking at him if he was wondering where her heart was. As if maintaining some self-protective barrier, occasionally he would take a step back from her. The back and forth was torturous, but she understood. When she considered how long he had waited to be with her and then what he overheard, her heart broke for him. He deserved so much more than she had given him in her half-hearted love.

Often, she would imagine what it might feel like for Tuck to love another. Her only point of reference was Hailey. The time Chelsea had asked if he loved her, he admitted that he cared for her. Knowing Hailey had even the smallest part of Tuck’s heart was painful. What might it have felt like to hear him admit he was
so in love with her
? It would have killed her, quite possibly killed her dead. Yet that was what Tuck had to live with every day, that his wife was
so in love
with someone else. Knowing him, it never left the forefront of his mind. How could such a thing ever escape his thoughts?

The holidays were their first together, but a bit polluted by what had happened. For the first time, they were able to sleep together on Christmas Eve and wake up to kids’ excitement on Christmas Day. It was one of the best mornings they had since
then
, but by late afternoon, Tuck seemed to retreat into himself a little. He assured her that he was fine, but she felt that
something
happen. She didn’t dare ask. Maybe it was some sudden reminder of spending Christmas morning with John and her that brought it on. Or maybe she was just speculating. Whatever it was ruined a beautiful day. Things never turned around from there and they went to bed that night in near silence, but by the next day he seemed more like himself.

Chelsea came to learn that there were good times and times not so good, but always, they loved each other; always he loved her. His heart was simply mending from what was likely the greatest pain he had known since losing her in the first place, so she patiently waited, always knowing that he was worth it.

Different than it was at first, since the night they talked, he once again began to reach for her, to need her and love her. Still, though, just as he had their first time, he would whisper, “Look at me,” or “Don’t close your eyes.” Though she wouldn’t have allowed herself anyway, had she tried to think of John, it would have been impossible. Tuck demanded every ounce of her in the quiet hours of the night, and she gave herself to him fully.

She found that the more time passed and the more she watched him struggle with sharing her heart with John, the more deeply profound her love for him grew. There was something incredibly life altering about watching such unconditional love in action. Often, she recalled what he said, how her feelings for John came as no surprise. He knew yet loved and married her anyway. He swore to still fight for her, and he was. Clearly, he was winning the battle as she found she loved him more and more every day. Fear of losing him, of losing what they had, just as it had when Tuck was dating Hailey, had a way of opening her eyes and helping her to see what she stood to lose.

The spring months brought with them Chelsea’s renewed hope of getting settled into their new place. Though the house was “dried in,” meaning it had a roof and weather didn’t affect its progress, still, progress was affected. Tuck had admitted that he needed to wait until spring to continue, financially speaking.

This day, Chelsea was walking through the house, trying her best not to get her hopes up too high. There was still much left to do, months’ worth of work. His dream of building her grandmother’s house had become her grandmother’s house on steroids. For the most part, it was the same layout, a very traditional farmhouse with a large wraparound porch, but it was larger and had additional rooms. Most recently, the plan was altered again and a large room was added to the back of the house. It would become a homeschool room.

“I thought I might find you here.” Tuck had arrived home to find Chelsea gone. With Lucy keeping an eye on Sara Beth, he had gone over to the house looking for Chelsea.

“I’m just walking around, daydreaming.”

Tuck’s heart sank, knowing he was failing her. As much as he had wanted to get the house done for her, things just weren’t coming together. It was more than slow going; things had finally come to a halt. Many times, Bobby had offered to help, and early on, Tuck welcomed it, but Bobby had a full-time job, helped on the farm with his dad, and had a family to care for. Tuck couldn’t ask for any more of his supposed “free time.” Together, they could figure out most anything and had done a pretty good job at the things they had taken on, like drywall, their latest project, but that wasn’t nearly complete, as the money for drywall had run dry. The money for it all had run dry. Since the equity line was tapped, he was barely keeping his head above water.

Early on, Tuck was so optimistic about the project that he was certain he would have them in their new place by Christmas. That was a joke. He had begun in June and now it was late March. At the rate he was going, the house would take years more. He was disappointed in himself. No matter what Chelsea said or how she tried to seem so positive, he knew she was disappointed in him, too. Since early on, he had known how much it meant to her to get into their own place and settled. After those early days, she never again brought up money. Sadly, it was really that easy. All he had to do was get the money from her and the house could be done in no time. As hard as he tried, though, he couldn’t bring himself to do it. The one thing in life he had always dreamed of giving her was her granny’s house.

“I’m sorry.”

The look of disappointment on his face when he apologized caused her to sigh, prompting her to say, “It’ll be done someday. We’ll only appreciate it more when we get there.”

Chelsea had put aside any unsettled feelings she experienced early on in the farmhouse. No matter how long it took, she was willing to wait. Their marriage had become her true focus, not which house she lived in. Of all things she wanted, she wanted to see Tuck succeed at this because she knew it meant everything to him.

He wrapped his arms around her and draped himself heavily over her. That’s how he felt, heavy, not just his heart, all of him. It seemed everything was catching up to him, the extra hours, the worry, feeling so inadequate, fighting for his wife, failing his wife. He was finally sinking.

“You must be so disappointed. Why don’t you just say so?”

Chelsea had a sense he meant more disappointed in him than about the house. Over the past few days, he was having a tough time. As usual, she assumed it was because of her, but now, she realized it wasn’t. It was the house. Most likely, what she had often thought to be his usual reason for distance from her was possibly the weight of the house on his shoulders. This was more about money and less to do with heartbreak.

“The only thing that ever disappoints me is when you pull away from me. This house, the farmhouse, none of it matters. It truly doesn’t. I have what I really want, you and the girls.”

The physical weight of him on her was nearly more than she could withstand. He was in a state she had never seen before.

“This was the one thing I thought I could give you, the one thing he couldn’t. I can’t even afford to finish.”

Once again, she realized, it did still come back to John. “We’ll wait.”

“I wish things were different.” He could wish all he wanted, but that wouldn’t change the way things were.

Before he said anymore and she realized just how bad things had gotten, he stood, saying, “I’m hungry. Are you?”

Sensing he needed a change in subject, she admitted, “Starving.”

Taking his hand, she pulled him along behind her. “Come on. Once you eat you’ll feel brand new.”

If only that were true.

Later in the evening after the girls were gone up to their rooms, Tuck snuck out to the front porch to pray. His heart was as heavy as it had ever been. Everything seemed to be falling apart. The new house was sitting there, mocking him. Farm equipment was failing, things he couldn’t afford to replace. Truly, he was at the end of his rope. Things had gotten so bad that he feared he might have to sell the farm. Wouldn’t that just defeat the purpose of building their dream house on the property? He considered selling off the farm yet keeping the land where the new house was. That was becoming the only likely solution. Then he would have to find a job of some sort, hopefully on a farm since that was about all he knew how to do.

“Lord, I’m desperate. If you don’t show up soon, I’ll go under. I’ll drag us all under.”

A verse came to mind, one he had memorized as far back as during his marriage to Lindsey. “Lord they came to you in their distress; when you disciplined them, they could barely whisper a prayer.” It was from Isaiah and was exactly what he was feeling at the moment, barely able to whisper a prayer.

Chelsea stood in the doorway and watched her husband pray. The porch light was on, allowing her to see his face. He was truly worn. Until that night, he had kept things pretty well hidden as far as money was concerned. Though she didn’t think there was overabundance, she hadn’t realized he was as concerned as he was. Based on their conversation earlier, though, their money situation seemed pretty dire. And there he was, the wealthiest man in the county, maybe even the state of Oklahoma. For the first time, she was tempted to bring it up.

Earlier, a devotional she had read talked about shielding others and how sometimes that wasn’t what was best for them. Drastic times called for drastic measures, and based on Tuck’s appearance, how low his shoulders hung as he prayed, drastic times were upon them.

Quietly, she stepped out onto the porch and walked over to where he sat praying. When she sat, she placed her hand on his back and rubbed softly. “I’m sorry to interrupt you. Would you rather be alone?”

“I would never rather be alone than be with you.”

He draped his arm over her shoulder and pulled her face near and kissed her softly on the cheek. Since he had begun to pray, he knew he had to be honest with her. That was a deep sense of conviction that wasn’t new. He had known for months how wrong it was to keep from her the shape he had gotten them in. No matter how he had fought against taking money from her account, he was going to ask. The thought of selling the farm, even a portion of the farm that had been in his family for several generations, was not something he could do. As he prayed, he considered what he read that morning, something that so stung his heart again, he truly felt as if it had been pricked. It wasn’t as if it hadn’t that morning as well, it had, but this evening, with another day of the weight of the world on his shoulders, he couldn’t bear up under it anymore.

In James, he had read, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”

There was nothing he could do but acknowledge how proud he had been, too proud to use any of Chelsea’s money, not as much as it was her money as it was John’s. He felt John would win somehow if he took his money. Hadn’t John already won enough? He took part of Chelsea with him to the grave.

They sat for a few moments before Chelsea had the nerve to speak the truth. “I wasn’t honest before. I am disappointed, not in you, not ever in you, but I’m really ready to make our home together.” She felt him stiffen beside her. “If that’s here, in this house, then that’s fine with me, but if we’re staying, I want to make some updates and get our own furniture and make it
our
home.”

He sighed, relieved to tell her the truth. “Sweetheart, I don’t even have the money for that. I’m sorry; I should have told you already.” Once he began, he wanted to lay it all out there. “I’m maxed out on the equity line, have tapped into the funds for the farm so heavily, I can’t get caught back up, and now I have things breaking down right and left that I can’t afford to replace. I’m in a real mess.”

He didn’t mention it, but he added in his head,
that’s obviously what happens when you become God’s opponent.

When she didn’t respond, he admitted, “More than anything, I haven’t wanted to use your money. I wanted to build your granny’s house for you. It’s the one piece of the dream that I thought I could still give you. I ruined most everything else, but that one thing, I wanted it to be from me.”

“I want that house, Tuck, and I want
you
to pay for it.”

Maybe she didn’t understand how broke he actually was. “As much as I would like to, I can’t give you that house. I don’t have two nickels to rub together at this point.”

As she stood, she said, “I think I know where you might find a couple.”

Patting his shoulder, she said, “I’ll be right back.”

He sat waiting, wondering what she meant. Maybe she was going to get her checkbook. No longer too proud, though, he just sighed and accepted that it was what he would have to do. Before long she was back, handing him an envelope. At the sight of the familiar envelope and his name scrawled in large letters across it, he recoiled, unwilling to accept it. It was a copy of the papers he had signed on their wedding day.

Chelsea stood holding the envelope, staring at Tuck. She had found the envelope a few days after she moved in. When Mark stopped by to see her the morning of their wedding, he said Tuck refused to look at what he signed, so she wasn’t surprised to find the envelope still sealed and stuffed in a drawer in the kitchen.

“I love you, and I’m proud of you, no matter what, but this stubborn streak of yours is killing me.” Turning loose of the envelope, she allowed it to drop beside him. “I’m going to bed.”