Beyond 4/20 (38 page)

Tuck stood beside the bed eating an apple. “You gonna sleep all day?” He thought she was awake but just lollygagging, as his mama would say.

Peeking out from beneath the covers, she said, “Maybe. Queens do that.”

He shook his head in disagreement. Taking a big bite, he argued while chewing, “I don’t think so. I think they have matters of state.”

She sat up. “Matters of state? I thought this was a honeymoon.”

He sat on the side of the bed and set his apple core on the table. When he reached for her hand, he scooted even nearer to her.

“Last night was a honeymoon.” He grinned and sighed. “Was it ever a honeymoon? But today, we have kingdom business to be about.”

Intrigued, Chelsea watched as Tuck took his Bible from the nightstand. Already he was flipping through the pages until he found what he was looking for.

“Here, read this.” Pointing to the passage, he sat his Bible on her lap.

It was circled and marked up in the twenty-second chapter of Luke, verses 31-32.

“Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers.”

After reading, she looked at him, a little puzzled.

Tuck had been up for hours, trying to figure out exactly how to explain all the Lord had shown him over the years.

“This verse, this is exactly what happened to me all those years ago, back when I lost you.”

Talking about it was harder than he had anticipated since his sifting had hurt her most.

“I was so full of myself and arrogant. I honestly thought I was above something like that happening.”

Of all the ways to fall, he would have never dreamed it would be through sexual sin, or if it were sexual sin, he would have presumed it would have been with Chelsea. By the time he had gone off to school, waiting was getting harder and harder, but always he only wanted her.

“I s’pose the Lord needed me to see what was really trapped beneath the surface. It was my sifting.”

He reached for her face and rubbed her cheek gently. “I’m just sorry you were hurt in the process, but, it’s what I needed. I think that sifting continued for some time to come. Life with Lindsey was a nightmare, more so than I can even describe, but I guess that was what the Lord planned to use to really break me, and it did.”

Knowing your wife was continually sleeping with most anyone who would have her was about as humbling as it could get for any man.

“Over the years, God has so reshaped me that I can hardly even recognize myself anymore, and it came from that sifting. It’s what I needed to get me here, where I am now.” He chuckled. “Not exactly in a castle, but maybe so in a way. For me to be about kingdom business, He had to prepare me.”

Reaching for his Bible, he began flipping again to John 21:15. Before showing it to Chelsea, he explained, “For years I thought I was being disciplined, and in a way I was, but it wasn’t as much about
being
disciplined as it was
gaining
discipline. I couldn’t remain who I was as a young man.” He arched his eyebrows and assured her, “You didn’t see the real me, how truly proud and arrogant I was, and because of that, I could have never reached anyone from such a place of self-righteousness. I thought sinners just needed to stop sinning. I didn’t realize I was the worst of them all. What I needed was a wake-up call, and I got one. There could have been no greater loss than losing you. He allowed me to fall in a way that would take what mattered most. That opened my eyes and brought me to my knees. God knew exactly what I needed to make me useful.”

He placed the Bible back in her lap. “Now read this one. This is where Jesus restores Peter after his denial of Him.”

Chelsea read the familiar passage where Jesus would ask Peter if he loved Him, and after each response He would speak a variation of
feed my lambs or sheep
.

“This is my restoration, Chelsea. This is the next part of what I always felt called to do. First, my call is to take care of you and love you unconditionally. Then our little girls. Next, I’m to feed His sheep, and that’s exactly what I intend to do.”

For the time being, he really didn’t want to mention that John spoke similar words in his letter. He would later, but at the moment, he didn’t want his wife’s mind diverted to John.

“With all this money, I can sure feed a lot of sheep.”

“So that’s our kingdom business?”

Never had she felt more proud of Tuck. His excitement was contagious, causing her to remember her own words from years before. She wanted to change the world. In some ways, for some people, she had certainly helped change their world, but not nearly enough somebodies. Before John came to town, she was truly focused on helping others through the foundation, but once he arrived, she struggled to maintain any real focus on it. She threw some money at this cause and that, but never did she fully become engaged as she knew she needed to be. Then his illness came and she all but shut down the foundation. Currently, even though it was operational and was helping many, especially single moms, it was not at all what it could be. Always, she easily allowed her family life to consume her completely. Certainly, her family was to be the priority, and she knew that to be true as long as she had young children, but just as she often tipped off balance in the way she loved God, she did the same in how she served Him.

“I want to do this with you. I want to be about matters of state, too.”

She grinned. If only he knew how much his dream resurrected her own.

“I want to fix up the farmhouse while we wait for the new house to be done. I’m going to ask Bobby and Macy to move in. I hope that Bobby will take over the operations of our farm.” He was dreaming even bigger. “Who knows, maybe we can merge the two farms and your dad can semi-retire. He deserves it.”

Always, farming was Bobby’s first love. Becoming a plumber was only out of necessity as the Whittaker farm could hardly sustain two families, especially during those lean years.

“If not Bobby, I’ll find someone. That’ll leave us the freedom to travel. We can
go
. We can go and help and make disciples and feed His sheep.”

He was so excited and had so thoroughly thought through things, that Chelsea could only cry.

“Hey.” He pulled her nearer and whispered, “What is it?”

“I’ve never envisioned a better future than the one you just described.”

Still near, he reminded her, “’No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him.’ Who could have ever seen this coming? I know I sure didn’t.”

Within the hour they were packed and leaving for home. The staff was distressed, concerned that their stay was not enjoyed, though both tried to convince them otherwise. How can you explain to a castle staff that there are bigger kingdom matters at hand? That was exactly what they felt. Chelsea was the first to mention going home, and without hesitation, Tuck was on board. On the flight home, it registered to him that he had taken his wife across the ocean for just one night. Who did things like that?

All the way home, they dreamed bigger and bigger. Already they were making plans to adjust the house to accommodate an office for Tuck. They would take the bedroom next to Chelsea’s office and blow out the wall, making a large enough office for the both of them. Together, they would revise the Keller Foundation and use it as a platform to do great things. As a family, they would travel and see the world, allowing the girls the experience of reaching people first hand rather than simply hearing about it from missionaries. Maybe Tuck wouldn’t be a missionary exactly, as he had once presumed was his call, but he was going to be someone who truly reached the world.

Chapter 22

T
hings had turned out much differently than their grandest dreams, but still, they were living the dream.
Go
turned in to
send
more often than not. Neither anticipated the demands of homeschooling two girls. It was never quite as easy as taking long trips to exotic places since Lucy had work due weekly to her homeschool tutorial, so that limited how long they could be gone. Sara Beth worked best in her schoolroom versus on a plane, and she was so easily distracted that they were often frustrated with her progress. The kids’ education had to be the priority. Because of that, their kingdom business became based from their new home, a ministry that was thriving and required much attention.

A new man emerged out of the shell of the body that was once her farmer husband. Tuck had become an extraordinary businessman. At all hours his phone rang as he had issues pop up worldwide. One night it was a border crossing, another it would be lost documents or last-minute money transfers. Always, he was moving mountains and conducting his kingdom business. If anyone was cut out to run the Keller Foundation, it was Tuck. His foresight and ability to dream big so impressed Chelsea that she easily allowed him to take over. He was the chief, and she had become a mere staffer. She was changing the world by supporting him as he truly changed the world. Often, he assured her that her care of their girls afforded him the opportunity to accomplish more.

For the most part, she worked with the kids during school hours. Some days, however, Sara Beth would present such a challenge that her daddy was called in to help her. Those days were never the best days. It was challenging, much more so than either had imagined, but they were successfully teaching their children at home. As for their work in changing the world, they were truly reaching worldwide. Tuck’s latest endeavor was the distribution of Bibles to countries where they were illegal. On some occasions, even at Chelsea’s protest, he traveled to those places himself, making contacts and arranging trucks for transportation. Irene had become his constant companion, as much involved in the day-to-day operations of the foundation as he was. She had moved into Chelsea’s house soon after she and Tuck began working together. They were a bizarre pair, but easily enough, Irene had come to admire and respect Tuck and often told Chelsea so. Irene had become as much a part of their family as any of the other grandparents, and the girls were crazy about her.

Their lives looked like nothing either had ever planned, but by far, both would agree it was better than they could have mapped out themselves. During school breaks and over the summer months, with more freedom to travel, they were able to take the girls and experience firsthand some of the outreach they had been involved in. For Sara Beth, who loved all animals and was scared of none, their best trip was to South Africa. As a family, they enjoyed what they considered a mini-safari, but then afterwards, served alongside missionaries in remote villages.

Since the girls had never experienced life outside of their comfortable Oklahoma town, both were truly changed by the experience. Even at the tender age of six, Sara Beth was transformed. From the moment they arrived in the first village and she was able to see how difficult it was for the native children to live, and especially what a privilege it was for some of them to be able to attend school, she came to appreciate her life much more. Once they were home and school began again, she was a better student, mostly, but she was still a
spirited
girl. Both Tuck and Chelsea were thankful to have taken them and were determined to provide the girls more opportunities to experience life outside of their own secure world.

As often as time would allow, Chelsea took the girls to Montana to see Louise and Claude. Though Louise was still getting around well, Claude had begun to steadily decline. So trips there to see them were a priority for Chelsea. Tuck went a few times, but for the most part, it was Chelsea and the girls. For Tuck, it was an awkward visit under the circumstances. John’s parents were overly kind and welcoming toward him, but still it was uncomfortable for him to be there. Out of respect for John and the way he always cared for his parents, Chelsea was determined to maintain close contact with them for as long as they lived, not as if that were a chore, considering her unlikely friendship with Louise that skipped an entire generation. Louise became a true mentor to her, always demonstrating what it meant to be a godly woman and wife.

Since returning from their trip to France, Chelsea had embarked on a new journey with God. Over the course of her life, there had been seasons when she truly felt she was walking with Him. There were those moments when she actually felt the hand of God holding her up, sustaining her, but other times, especially when times were good, she remained in what she had come to call a place of wading in the shallows. In her mind, she could see the ocean and her walking there in the ankle deep waters. Because her heart and interest remained on other things, John, her children, Tuck, or their struggling marriage, her eyes were rarely on God. Deep down, she discovered that she had been a rather shallow Christian. It was watching John and reading of him swimming in the deeper waters that first opened her eyes. For a time, she knew she wanted to swim there too, but easily enough, distractions came that kept her ankle deep.

It was during this new time of pursuing the deeper places with God that she finally dared to read John’s final journal. At the time he was writing it, he was still asking for her promise that she would allow herself to love again. Upon his last entry, she had still not given it. His prayers were mostly for her heart to heal so that she could live again. He wrote extensively about Tuck, and he prayed faithfully for their future marriage.

What was so timely, however, considering this was exactly the season she was in as she read the journal, John prayed for her deepening relationship with God. At the end of a particular section, he had written directly to her, sharing with her some principles he had learned. First, he openly exposed the fact that God did not take her to the deeper places because she was unwilling. Finding her current relationship with Him comfortable enough, she chose to remain stagnant. Because John knew her so well, he rightly accused her of holding something back. She knew that to be true. No matter what God’s plan for John was at the time, she was holding out for what she wanted from God, and ultimately, she was angry with Him for not giving John more time with her. He addressed how obedience to what God said was the key to entering the deeper places with Him. Finally, he explained that being obedient to what you know takes you to the next place of revelation. So if she truly wanted God to reveal more to her, then she had to be prepared to obey what she knew at that particular time. In her case, John assured her, the place of obedience was to let him go and to allow God to heal her heart so that she might love again. At that point, he addressed how Tuck was her
supposed to be
and how few people get a second chance at God’s best for them.

The note to her was direct and even rather abrupt, as if he k\ was running out and he was trying to impatiently share his final words of wisdom with her. From the very beginning he imparted so much to her, about business, dealing with people, and lastly, walking with God. How ironic that John was the one to share such godly advice with her considering how in the beginning she thought she might somehow be the one to help John draw nearer to Him. In some ways she must have, because John again thanked her for her place in his life and ended his note by saying, “Thank you for my beautiful ending.”

After reading his advice, Chelsea spent the first few days in honest appraisal of her walk with God. She prayed. She surveyed others, and what she found was a woman who was truly comfortable being in the shallows, as if wading there along the shore with Him was what it was really all about. Having Tuck in her life, how could she not grasp his depth compared to her superficial walk with God? Her mother had a similar approach as hers, so that was likely whom she patterned herself after. Superficial wasn’t exactly the right term, as that would indicate fakeness. She struggled with how to best explain it. Eventually, comfortable was still what came to mind. Being too comfortable, insisting that things remain comfortable was her expectation from and with God. How unrealistic was such thinking? Maybe that was why she avoided the deeper places, out of fear He would make her life uncomfortable. Certainly there were seasons when she felt she walked more closely with Him, but she was never deep enough, at least not deep for long, ebb and flow, that was her. Or maybe high and low tide. Whichever it was, she was constantly allowing the waves to carry her rather than determining she wanted to fight to remain in the deeper waters with God, learning and growing and ever changing. John and Tuck both fought the waves no matter the struggle required and were good examples of what she wanted to be, and because of them, she was aware that there was more available with God than she had ever even known. She wanted more of Him.

Her new journey did indeed drag her into deep waters. Demands of her day became something to confer with God over. Homeschooling two children took her to the deeper places as she constantly needed God to keep her energized. When Tuck traveled, especially to any place that presented any sense of danger, she was forced to tread in the deepest places with God. Because she had known the loss of a husband, fear over losing Tuck was monumental and required her to learn to trust the Lord with Tuck. If anything ever made her uncomfortable, it was the thought of losing Tuck. Early on, she could hardly imagine that God would take him considering all they had gone through to be together. Eventually, though, she realized He had every right, as Tuck was His first and not hers only. If taking Tuck
home
served some kingdom purpose, then Chelsea had to admit it was God’s prerogative. That was her hardest struggle and the greatest evidence that her heart was truly resting in the hands of Jesus. She finally gave God His due, which was the fact that He always had the right to give or to take away. She trusted Him no matter what.

From Chelsea’s perspective, her world had become so utterly complete, that even the disappointment they were facing as they had tried unsuccessfully to have a child together could hardly diminish her outlook. Already they had been married two years and still no pregnancy. After the first year, they sought medical help. Both, not so surprisingly, checked out fine. Ultimately, it was determined that they were possibly reproductively incompatible. Chelsea never knew such a condition existed, but it did. Since discovering it was possible they might never conceive naturally, they had begun to discuss alternatives. From the outset, Lucy wanted to adopt from China. Sara Beth had no preference. Both Chelsea and Tuck were considering adopting through foster care. As much as they would love to have a baby together, either through adoption or what they had learned about adopting embryos, the thought of Chelsea carrying another child and having as much difficulty as she did with Sara Beth concerned Tuck greatly. This was the current topic of conversation as they prepared for bed.

Tuck was holding Chelsea’s hand trying to hear her out, but at the thought of losing her, he felt literally sick at his stomach. “What if you don’t make it this time? It was a close call with Sara Beth.”

“Just because I had trouble before doesn’t mean I will this time.”

“I can’t risk that. I just can’t.” Tuck was certain they had decided on the foster system. “What happened to adopting an older child?”

“I’m up for that too.” She was. Since they decided to move forward and have another child, no matter which road that took them down, Chelsea had considered having more than one. “Who’s to say we only have one more? Why can’t we have a few?”

Momentarily speechless, Tuck stammered and stuttered. Finally, he shrugged, “I suppose we can.”

Because Lucy was nearly fourteen, they had both begun to feel some pressure to expand their family right away. They wanted Lucy to be young enough to bond with the new addition to their family.

“What about travel?” He was thinking out loud. There were so many things he still wanted to do, places he wanted to invade for Jesus.

She sighed. “We can go with you as much as we can, but I don’t want that to stop us from growing our family.”

“I don’t either.”

He thought again about her desire to adopt an embryo. “You know, with the embryo thing, we might have twins or triplets. I’ve heard of it happening that way.”

If carrying one child nearly killed Chelsea, what might the effect of multiples be on her body? That was his truest concern.

Smiling, Chelsea said, “That’ll grow our family pretty quickly.”

“I’m scared.” He trusted God. He did, but the thought of Chelsea dying while having their baby caused him to literally quake with fear.

He pulled her over into his lap. “Why is this so important to you?”

Chelsea lifted his hand and placed it on her stomach. “I want you to be able to feel. I want to experience something that beautiful together.”

Her pregnancy with Sara Beth was the most amazing journey of her life. After hearing more of the tumultuous time Tuck spent with Lindsey and how trying her pregnancy was, she wanted him to experience the same miracle and joy with someone he loved.

Rubbing her belly, he could easily envision the little mound that was Sara Beth and how he had longed to touch her then. He wanted to share that with her.

“Do we have to decide tonight? Can’t we just try again to see if our genetics have reached some agreement?”

He was already trailing kisses down her cheek and to her neck, ensuring she knew he meant they should try again that night.

“We don’t have to decide tonight. Please just be open-minded.”

He stopped kissing her, knowing this was something that was truly important to her. “I will.” He hugged her tightly. “Is your clock really ticking that loudly?”

The thought of a ticking clock caused Chelsea a moment of hesitation. What a terrible way to think of it after all the ticking she had known with John.