Beyond Complicated (34 page)

"Don't know. Where's al of your shit?" He leaned out into the halway and looked toward the back of the apartment into his empty room. "Where's al of my shit? What's going on here, Liam? Are you moving in with Seth?"

"He's leaving. He took a job out of the country." Another voice joined his. Seth emerged from the living area and squeezed past Kel into my room. He looked tired. His hair wasn't combed and he wore just a T-shirt and a pair of sweat pants. Seth never left the house during the week out of his Armani uniform. He fel onto the bed beside me making me bounce. "I got your message. What do you want?"

There was no mistaking the indifference in Seth's voice. The emotional tol of al this had finaly hit him. He lay across the top of the bed forming the top to my T. "What is this, a fucking slumber party? Why are you here anyway? Shouldn't you be at work?"

"I resigned," Seth said with a heavy sigh.

"When? Why?" I heard my voice hit a higher octave. He'd surprised me. Seth never surprised me.

"Why do I need a reason? And what does it matter to you anyway? I'm going back to California next week."

I didn't say anything. I didn't know what to say.

Did he want me to beg him not to go? I couldn't find the energy to care right now.

"And that's it then. The two of you are just walking away from each other," Kel sounded agitated.

He sounded more like himself at that moment.

"What does it matter to you? You left, remember? Just took off without saying a word. I'm through chasing down crazy ass men. I'm going home and looking for some sane guy and hoping the two of you haven't ruined me. Or maybe I'l just give up on men al together."

I snorted. Why not? Coming from Seth, it was funny. Or as close to funny as he would ever get.

"Sounds like a plan. Don't let me stop you."

I climbed out of bed and started for the door, I had an errand to run elsewhere. "You two lock up when you leave, okay?" I pushed past Kel, heading for the door. I almost made it too, except for the physical body slam he gave me. Onto the floor. I lay on my back trying to catch my breath with him straddling me. "What the hel are you doing? Get off me, you little shit."

"Or what? What are you going to do, Liam?

Look sternly at me?" Kel leaned over me, there was something in his eyes I'd never seen before.

I heard Seth snort from the bed. "You probably shouldn't have done that, kid."

"Why? It's not like he has the—" Kel stopped talking when I launched him into the air. I was on my feet with him dangling in front of me. And then he was on the bed and I was the one doing the straddling.

"I told you. Don't make him mad. He's pretty mild mannered when he's calm but make him mad and you'l see something. I would have loved to have seen him play bal. That would have been a sight. Big Liam throwing those guys around." Seth shivered on the bed.

It was put on.

"Don't cal me that," I told him as I locked my knees under Kel's hips, he struggled but he couldn't budge me.

"Why? Because it reminds you of your boyfriend? Isn't that what he cals you, Big Liam, because he's dying to taste your big Liam? Or has he already? You've been hanging out, his wife kicking him to curb and al, he needed consoling."

I sat atop Kel, completely stunned. Kel must have been as wel, he stopped trying to throw me off. In fact he turned his head upside down on the mattress to get a look at Seth. "Is that what you think? Why would you think that?" I couldn't come up with a single reason and then I remembered… "Because he kissed me? I was wondering if you saw that. Guess you did."

"Yeah, I saw it. You and him locked in a sweet embrace. His hands in your hair, his tongue down your throat. Sweet Brad, the one who got away. He's single now and ready to come out of the closet and you're ready—"

"Whoa, Seth, let's back the blame train up a bit, shal we." I did the time out symbol with my hands. I also ignored Kel banging his fists on my thighs. "I didn't kiss him. He kissed me. Trying to manipulate me into bed. I'm not interested in him. Not now. He's not the man I knew from school. He's cold. He's different. And he doesn't make my heart pound and my knees weak."

"Bul, please, Liam, you wil fuck anything. I've seen you. Anything with a dick and you're salivating and on your knees." Seth refused to look at me now. And since Kel had forgotten to try and wriggle free, I let him go. Except he stayed put, running his hands along my thighs now instead of beating me.

"Is that what you think of me? In al these years of knowing me and that's what you think?"

"Why wouldn't I think anything differently? Al the men you fucked for the camera. My god, just watching you get worked up for one of them made me sick to my stomach. I wanted to claw their eyes out.

You were mine and I watched you with other men.

Slamming into them. Making them beg you. I hated them. I hated you." There were tears in his voice.

"Seth, look at me, baby, please look at me," I said as softly as I could. My heart was breaking. He looked at me. Reluctantly. His heart in his eyes. "In my whole life, al of it, before I met you, before the porn, and after, when we were apart until this very moment...

In al this time, I have only ever been with two men by choice. The rest was for pay and most of those times it took a couple of little blue pils for me to even show a bit of interest. You were my first lover, Seth, and Kel is my second. I've never been with anyone. And I'm pretty sure I won't ever be with another man. Even if you walk out that door. I'm not wired that way. So yeah, I fucked because I was getting paid to. We worked each other up, the pils kept me interested in whoever our third was and I finished with you. Always with you. I hated every time we had a third. I hated being with other men. I never kissed them. Never.

Fucked them, yeah. And when I finished, I made love to you. And Brad won't come near me again. I made sure he knows there wil never be anything between us.

Seth, look at me, is that why—"

"Just shut up, okay? I'm stupid and I'm jealous and I'm—just shut up. Besides it's the kid who needs his ass whipped. He left. And he just cals me up and orders me over here. Like I give a damn what he wants.

What the hel do you want Kely? I've got packing to do." Seth climbed off the bed and stood in front of the window with his hands in his pockets, the force dragging down the waistband until his hip bones showed. I bit back a moan, forcing my attention on the man lying between my legs.

"Why are you here?" I sighed and got off him. I went to stand by the door in the spot he'd vacated a couple of minutes before. "It's been nearly a month."

"I know. I'm sorry. I had to put distance between us. I had to get my head on straight. Figure out what I want or if what I want is what I realy want would be more accurate. Sex and drama do not mix wel." Kel continued to lie on the bed, he didn't look at either of us, he talked to the ceiling. "I bummed around Miami for a while. Visited the Keys. Met a few guys. I went home with them."

I had to look away, my heart skipped too many beats at his confession. He was only twenty-one; of course, he would be confused. Twenty-one was too young for a commitment. "I didn't sleep with any of them. I wanted to. Right up until we got to the actual touching part and al I could see was the two of you. I don't know. I don't know if this is right. It feels so damned right when I'm with you. But when I'm away from you, I can't justify it. I love you both. I should feel guilty because I don't love just one of you. I should only love one of you, right? Seth, oh my god, he's so damned fun to be with. He makes me laugh. He shares so many of my interests. We surf together. I love that.

He cooks and makes food sexy as hel. I love that. He loves the hel out of you. When you're not looking, Liam, his eyes are so damned ful of love for you, it tears my heart out because I want him to love me like that. He never wil though. And you. I shouldn't love you at al. I thought it was that whole taboo thing. You were my daddy. The daddy of my heart and I wanted you and I wanted to please you. You are the only man who has ever treated me like I matter. Even when you get angry with me, it's because you love me. Stop skipping classes, wear your damned helmet. You let me make my own mistakes. And you treated me as an equal. You taught me how to rebuild an engine. You're damned patient. Letting me experiment. I was afraid that's what you were. An experiment. And you were too weak to tel me no. And then Brad came and I didn't feel safe anymore. I felt safe with you. You're my home. I need you to be my home. My base. And I need Seth to be everything else. I just don't know what I can be for you. I'm too young. I'm in a messed up family situation that is going to get ugly. I'm not experienced. I can't compete with everything you've done. I can't stand that you have a whole history that doesn't include me."

He seemed to have run out of steam and I stil had no idea what he was trying to say. He loves us. But he can't be with us. Is that what I heard?

"I came back to beg you to take me back. Gran told me Liam was back in his apartment and Seth didn't come around anymore. That scared me. I was coming back hoping it wasn't too late. That I hadn't lost you.

Either of you. But it's worse than I feared. I've not only lost you both, but you've lost each other. I tore you apart. I'm sorry for that. I'm so damned sorry."

Seth waited for Kel to grow quiet before he looked at me. "Do you have any idea what he's babbling about?"

"I think maybe he figured out he can't live without us and he's convinced we're al about to leave him. And he's about to beg us not to," I answered with a shrug.

"I think that's what I got too," Seth sighed, rocking on his feet. His hair was so cute when it wasn't brushed.

I wanted to run my hands through it. "So what do you think? Should we take him back? I mean he
is
the one who ran off."

"Because I couldn't handle al this damned drama. I'm back now. I know what I want."

"My name is stil on your birth certificate. I stil helped raise you. Your mother is stil trying to destroy me in public. Your parents are divorcing. The courts are about to take your brother and sister away from them.

Brad isn't going to be easy to deal with. He's miserable.

And this cost him his marriage. Nothing has changed.

Nothing is going to change for a long time. It's going to get worse. This relationship is going to make people angry, it wil end up dinner table fodder al over the city when it finaly gets out. And Sabrina wil make sure it gets out as soon as she has enough proof. You left, you should have stayed gone."

"I know. Dammit, Liam, do you want me to leave? Is this punishment for hurting you? Because I know al of this. I came back knowing al of that. It's complicated. I know it's going to get worse. But I have to be here. With you. With Seth. I have to be with you.

I can't function without you. And it's not just sex. It's not sex at al. It's deeper than sex. I don't ever have to have sex again. If that's what it takes to have you. We can have a sexless—"

"Jesus, I hope to hel not." Seth laughed, the sound was borderline hysterical. "What the hel is the point of putting up with al his brooding if there is no sex to make up for it? I mean seriously, I spent four years without him, and there is no substitute. None. Sex with Liam is sort of the point."

"I know. Damn, Seth, I was being noble. Why couldn't I be noble? Liam and you ruined me. If I can't be with you then I don't want—"

"Holy, fuck, just shut up." I dragged my hand through my hair. "Wil you listen to yourselves? Christ.

Okay, fine. Here it is. I'm yours. I belong to both of you. I know this. And you both belong to me. Are we clear here? If this is it, then this is it. I'm not going anywhere without either of you ever again. And when either of you get the urge to run off and brood, you damned wel better tel someone beforehand. I'm going to Europe in January. And Seth, you are not going to California. We're staying here. We're buying a damned house, a big one. And no damned pool boy. Here! I'm not discussing this. Take it or leave it. Kel can go to medical school here. It's a big damned campus. Or he can take the modeling contract. He can go to school later after this al dies down. Seth, you aren't happy with your career because you aren't cut out to be in law.

You're not, baby. Admit that. You are miserable. Take the damned contract, come with me to Europe. We'l be together. We were happy when we were together.

And you yourself said you missed the cameras."

"Is that an order?" Seth leaned against the wal, his arms crossed over his chest, one eyebrow cocked.

He looked angry.

I mimicked his pose and stared him down.

"Yes, it is. It's an order. You're staying here and you're taking the contract. It pays a hundred thousand each.

Ten more years. Together. It's an order. It's what's best."

"I have a question." Kel raised his hand as he looked between us as if trying to decide which one of us would win if it came down to a battle of wils. I would, but he didn't know that. "What contract am I supposed to take? What the hel are you talking about?"

"You didn't tel him?" Seth said, his eyebrow going higher if that was possible.

"No, I thought you did." I'd forgotten to tel him just like I forgot to give him the check Caden sent.