Big Girl (2010) (27 page)

"Sorry. I came back as soon as I could. We're trying to settle the case." She felt like a queen surrounded by her court as they all fussed over her, and Collin stayed with her that night. She was in a lot of pain, and he gave her the pain-killers and rubbed her back in bed.

"You're a good nurse," she said, thanking him. "I'm sorry. This is so stupid."

"Yeah, I figured you did it on purpose." He smiled at her. She had been sorry to miss the play, but she was in too much pain to go, and she was sorely disappointed. And she was annoyed that she'd have to be on crutches. At least the cast was due to come off before the wedding, if it healed well. It was a headache she didn't need. Her mother had called her that night too, and left a message on her voice mail that she was sorry to hear about her leg.

She hobbled into school the next day, and all the students helped her get around. Helen and Carla came to check on her in her classroom, and Eric Walker stopped by to say hello. Everyone was happy to see her back, and they said
Annie
had gone fabulously. And at the end of the day she was really tired, and took a cab home. She realized on her way back to the apartment that she was not going to be able to exercise for the next month, and she was terrified she would gain weight. She said as much to Harlan when he got home. Her vow to herself had been to lose twenty-five pounds by June, have a life, and a man she cared about. She had a life now, with Collin, and she had never been happier. She had lost eighteen pounds and looked great. But she had wanted to lose the last seven pounds before the wedding and it would be hard now, hobbling around on crutches, unable to exercise, and lying on the couch.

"You just have to be careful not to eat crazy," Harlan warned her. "No ice cream. No cookies. No pizza. No bagels. No cream cheese. Especially since you can't move around much."

"I won't, I promise," she said, although she had a small urge for ice cream that night when her leg hurt. But she didn't ask for any, and she didn't go near the freezer. But she had two helpings of pasta for dinner, which tasted great. And she vowed not to do it again. No comfort foods in the next month. Or she'd look like a blimp at the wedding, and prove her father right, that she was hopeless.

She shared her concerns with Collin, and he told her that whatever she gained while she was on crutches, she could lose again once she could exercise, and so what if she didn't.

"You don't need to worry about it. You're a beautiful woman, and one dress size is not a big deal, one way or another."

"It is to me," she said sadly. "And I don't want to look like a brown cow in that dress."

"That dress doesn't sound like you, no matter what size it is. I can't see you in brown," he said cautiously, although women's fashions were not his area of expertise.

"You will soon," she said unhappily, worrying about her weight. She wanted to visualize herself into thinness. She had bought a pale blue chiffon dress for the rehearsal dinner, with a silver bolero and high-heeled silver sandals. It was very flattering and slimming, she was happy about that, but her dress for the wedding still upset her. It was a total no-win for her.

"We can have a ceremonial burning of the dress after the wedding," Collin said with a sympathetic grin. "I would love you in a burlap bag, so don't worry about it." She smiled at him, and they kissed. They stayed at her apartment for a few days until she felt better, and then they went back to his, which was easier for him, and it was closer to his office.

He broached an interesting subject with her one Sunday afternoon at his place, two weeks after she'd broken her leg. "What would you think about our getting a place together one of these days? We could look for it this summer." Up till now they had been going back and forth between apartments. They had been dating for five months, and their relationship was so solid that they both felt ready to make the move, and then see what developed later. "How does that sound to you?" Until then, when he was preparing a trial and working late, he stayed at his place. The rest of the time he stayed with her during the week, and she stayed with him most weekends.

"It sounds good," she said peacefully, and leaned over and kissed him. He had signed her cast six times, and Harlan twice, and John added his name in red. And every kid in school had signed it at least once. Helen said it was the most decorated cast in New York, and looked like an art exhibit, or an example of graffiti. "I like that idea a lot," Victoria said about living with him.

"So do I. Will Harlan and John be upset?" he asked with a look of concern.

"No. I think they're both doing okay now, and can afford to keep the apartment without me. They might like the space." He nodded. And they were in no hurry to find their own place. Collin wanted to start looking at the end of June, early July.

They told Harlan and John a few days later, when they went back to the apartment. Harlan said he wasn't surprised. He had been expecting something like that, or an announcement of their engagement, he said with a mischievous look at Collin, who just laughed and smiled at Victoria. They hadn't talked about it yet, but it had crossed his mind. His sister had said the same thing, and she wanted to meet Victoria that summer. There was time. There was no need for them to do anything in a hurry. They were enjoying what they had. They had both waited a lifetime for it, and were savoring every moment. And his sister had just met someone too. Collin hadn't met him yet, but he sounded perfect for her. He was a widowed doctor with two young kids, and his sister said they were really cute. Five and seven. Life had a way of working out. The lid-for-every-pot theory seemed to work, if you waited long enough and were patient. Victoria was now a firm believer in it. They agreed to start looking for an apartment together after her sister's wedding, when she was no longer in a cast and on crutches and could get around. He had a lull between trials, and she'd be out of school then. She could hardly wait.

Victoria got her cast taken off three days after school closed for the summer. The leg felt a little weak and wobbly, but she had to do physical therapy and exercise, and they said that would strengthen it. And in the meantime, she had to be on her feet for the wedding. She could put her full weight on her leg, but it didn't feel strong. And she couldn't overdo at the gym yet. She had to do therapy first.

She didn't say anything to anyone, but the day she got the cast off, she walked into her bathroom and weighed herself, and as soon as she did, she sat down on the edge of the tub and burst into tears. She had been careful, but not totally. There had been some pasta on bad nights when her leg hurt and she needed comfort food, a couple of pizzas, the occasional ice cream, cheese and crackers, and there had been mashed potatoes and some delicious meat loaf Harlan had brought home from the deli. And it all added up. It spelled out that, immobilized as she had been and unable to exercise at the gym, she had gained back seven of the eighteen pounds she'd lost. So instead of losing twenty-five pounds for the wedding, she'd lost eleven. She knew she might be able to knock off another three or four if she tried hard and did a regime of special herbal teas before the wedding. So now she was going to be wearing an unflattering dress that didn't suit her, and she'd be fat. She sat there and cried, and as she did, Collin walked into the bathroom.

"What happened?" He looked worried. "Is your leg hurting?"

"No, my ass is," she said, looking angry at herself. "I gained seven pounds with my stupid broken leg." She was embarrassed to admit it to him, but he could see that she was crying, so she'd told him.

"You'll lose it, and who cares," he said, and then he had an idea. "I'm throwing your scale away. I don't want your whole life dictated by what you weigh. You look great. I love you. And if you gain five pounds or lose ten, who gives a fuck? I don't."

"I do," she said unhappily, and blew her nose in a tissue, still sitting on the edge of the tub.

"That's different," Collin said. "Then do it for you, don't do it for me. I don't care. I love you the way you are, whatever size you happen to be." She looked at him with a smile.

"How did I get lucky enough to find you? You're the best thing that's ever happened to me at a gym," she said.

"We earned each other, by being miserable for a long time. We deserve to be happy," Collin said, and leaned down to kiss her.

"And loved," she added, and then he kissed her again, and she stood up and he took her in his arms.

"When are you leaving for L.A., by the way?" He knew it was soon, now that she had her cast off. That was what she had been waiting for, and the green light from her doctor. And now she had it.

"In two days. I hate to leave before you do," Victoria said with a sigh, "but Gracie says she needs me."

"Just watch out for your parents. They bite," he warned her, and she laughed. He was right. "It's a little bit like swimming with the sharks. And I'll be out on the Thursday before the wedding. I tried to come out earlier, but I can't. I've got to try and settle this case if I can before I come out."

"I'll be fine," she said bravely, and he kissed her again.

In the end, Victoria spent the weekend with him in New York, and she left on Monday for L.A. Collin was due to arrive three days later. She assured him confidently that she could deal with her family on her own for three days--she'd been coexisting with them for nearly thirty years.

Gracie met her at the airport and drove her back to the house. She said that all her bridesmaids were in town. The dresses had been altered and tried on and were perfect. The caterer was organized. The florist was on track. They had picked their music for the church and the reception, and hired the band. She loved her dress, and Vera Wang had done it in the end. She went down her whole checklist, and everything was fine, and then she remembered that her sister hadn't tried her dress yet.

"You should try it when we get back to the house," Gracie said, with a worried look. "Do you think you'll need it altered?" she asked, glancing over at Victoria next to her in the car. She looked about the same to her, but you couldn't always tell.

"No, I'm not much thinner than I was," Victoria said, looking discouraged.

"I meant bigger," Gracie said hesitantly, and Victoria shook her head. That was how they all thought of her, as an ever-growing mountain that never got smaller, only bigger. She'd lost a pound since she took off the cast, but no more than that. She wasn't exercising enough to make a difference, even without carbs.

And when they got there, their mother was at the house, checking gifts off a list. There were piles of silver and crystal in fancy boxes. They had turned their dining room into a warehouse.

Her father was at the office, and Victoria didn't see him till that night. When she did, he hugged her and commented that she looked well. With him,
healthy
and
well
were always synonyms for
bigger
and
fatter
. She thanked him, said he did too, and walked into the other room. She hadn't seen him since he met Collin in New York. And she remembered Collin's comment about sharks and steered clear.

She managed to tread water for three days until Collin arrived. They had a family dinner that night, for both families, which was fairly benign. And the rehearsal dinner was the next day at the Wilkeses' country club. The wedding reception was being held at the Dawsons' swim and tennis club in a huge garden, under an enormous "crystal" tent that had cost a fortune. Five hundred and forty guests had accepted.

The morning that Collin was due to arrive, Victoria got a few minutes alone with her sister and asked her once and for all if she wanted to go through with this and if she was sure about Harry. And if so, she promised to forever hold her peace. Gracie looked at her solemnly and said that she was sure.

"Are you happy?" she asked her. She didn't look it. She looked terribly stressed, and whenever Harry was around she was jumping through hoops to please him. If she married him, that was what her life was going to be like from now on. It was what he thought he deserved. Victoria hated it for Gracie.

"Yes, I am happy," Gracie answered, and then Victoria sighed and nodded her head.

"Okay. I'm on board. That's all I want for you. And you can tell him from me that if he ever makes you unhappy, I will personally kick his ass," Victoria said, and Gracie laughed nervously. She was afraid her sister meant it.

"He won't," Gracie said seriously. "I know he won't!" She sounded like she was trying to convince herself.

"I hope you're right."

Victoria didn't bring it up again after that, and she was relieved when Collin arrived. Harry went to considerable lengths to impress him and charm him, and Collin was polite and went along with it, but Victoria could see that Collin didn't like him. And she didn't either. But they were stuck with him now. For better or worse.

The rehearsal dinner was a monumental affair, done by the fanciest caterer in L.A., with all the most important people there. The Wilkeses were extremely gracious, and they made an effort to make all the Dawsons feel at home, and they said all the nicest things about Gracie. She was young, of course, but they said they thought she was the perfect wife for their son. And Jim Dawson went on and on ad nauseam about how much he loved Harry. And there were endless speeches at dinner, some of them clever, and most of them very boring. Victoria was going to have to say a few words too, but she was doing it at the wedding, as older sister and maid of honor.

Victoria was looking beautiful in the pale blue chiffon gown she had bought for the occasion. And Collin had complimented her several times. Her father had had quite a few drinks, when he came over to Victoria and Collin after the rehearsal dinner started to break up and people were milling around. He had on his hale-and-hearty voice, which Victoria knew was usually a bad sign, and when he was most likely to take potshots at her. She wanted to warn Collin as her father walked over, but she didn't have time. He was standing on top of them before she could say a word.