BITTER MEMORIES: A Memoir of Heartache & Survival (11 page)

This time—Mama looked like Bobbi. 

I awoke crying. “God, please don’t let this happen! I’m so happy here. Please! Don’t let this happen.” I cried and cried until I cried myself back to sleep.

“Sarah, come on, get up.” His voice was stern.

“What’s wrong, Daddy? Is Bobbi okay?”

“She’s fine, but it’s time to go.”

“Oh, Daddy. Please don’t do this! Please don’t leave Bobbi! She loves us.”

“Not anymore, Sarah. Don’t argue with me. Get up, and let’s go.”

I had lots of clothes now, so I packed what I could in my suitcase, but I had to leave so many things behind. I didn’t care about leaving the clothes, but I didn’t want to leave Bobbi, or my room.

My very own room.

“Hurry up, Sarah! I want to be gone before she gets
home.”

“Can’t we stay and say goodbye, Daddy?”

“Don’t start with me, Sarah! Now, get out the door.”

As he drove away I stood in the seat to look at the house one last time. Again, God had forsaken me. I really thought He’d listened to me and He wanted me to be happy. But again, I’d been so wrong. God wasn’t for kids—God wasn’t for me.

“Daddy, where are we going?” I asked hours later.

“To my sister in California, but we’re stopping in Oregon for a few weeks. Just to let things settle down. Bobbi might decide to call the cops.”

“Why? What did you do to her!?” I was furious thinking that he might’ve hurt her in any way.

“I didn’t do a damn thing to her, Sarah!  She’s gonna be pissed when she comes home and we’re gone.”

“What did you steal, Daddy?”

“Just jewelry and some money.” Glancing back, he saw the shocked look on my face. “Well, she owed it to us!” he snapped.

“Bobbi did more for us than anyone
ever
has! How could you do that, Daddy!? How could you!?”

“That’s enough, Sarah! I don’t want to hear another word about it, or
her
, ever again!”

I knew not to try and force him to talk about it, but at least he hadn’t wrecked her house like all the others. Still, I didn’t understand Daddy. Bobbi had always been so nice to us. She loved us.

I knew she’d cry when she found us gone, and I hoped she’d remember me, and know that I didn’t want to leave her.

“Goodbye, Bobbi,” I whispered. “I love you!”

Eleven

1957 – Lubbock

Henry pulled into the police lot, driving around back to the garage. It was time for the monthly maintenance check on his cruiser. He parked outside the rollup door, got out and handed the keys to the attendant.

Walking around the building he really wanted a drink, and looked at his watch. “Shit! Only 7:30 in the fuckin’ morning! At this rate I’ll be an alcoholic like my sisters,” he muttered, went up the steps and into the station.

Just as he entered his office the phone rang. He picked up on the third ring. When he put the receiver back on the cradle, he sat with his head in his hands, not knowing what to think. Hearing a noise at his door, he looked up and saw Jake, watching him. 

“How long you been there, Jake?” he asked wearily.

“Long enough to know it’s your sister giving you misery.”

“Lately all my misery is due to Violet. The doctor just called. She’s not settling into Crestview at all this time. He says her grief’s overwhelming and she feels guilty she wasn’t there that one night to protect Sarah. She’s fighting the system, and the doctor, at every turn. They restrain her daily and give her sedatives every night. I just don’t know what to do, Cap.”

“Hang in there, Henry. Time will make it all come out right. Just don’t give up hope.”

“Hope? Hope’s all I have, Jake. The doctor said she attacked another patient, and then the nurses yesterday. I just don’t know what to do….”

Two hours later he received the call that his cruiser was ready. Without hesitation, he grabbed his hat, walked out of the office, around the building, and into the garage.

Climbing in behind the wheel, he turned up the radio to hum along with
The Yellow Rose of Texas
as it played on the local station, and headed straight to Barney’s. 

On the highway, for distraction only, he turned the volume up once again, tried to keep his mind on the road,
thought about his mistress, then muttered under his breath, “God knows I needed someone to talk to…to console me. Someone to be a good listener…to
make my problems disappear—at least for a while.”

He felt he still loved Olivia, although not as much as when he married her. She’d always been a good, Christian woman, and he cared for her. But, during the first few months of marriage he found out sex was something she never wanted.

She believed the act was only to be performed when trying to have kids, and since they weren’t trying, it would be a waste of her time. In the beginning he’d argue that it felt good, but Olivia only curled her mouth and glared at him.

After several months he didn’t bring the subject up any longer. Besides, hadn’t he tortured himself long enough? His wife wouldn’t give him what he needed. That was why he’d taken a mistress. After all, he needed relief from someone, and like his dad told him, “If you can’t get it at home, son, you can always get it elsewhere. Lord knows, I did often enough.”

After several years into the marriage, Olivia had a hysterectomy, so any chance of her coming around was out of the question. He’d wondered if she
really
needed the surgery, or if she just hated sex that much. Either way, he needed sex, and he damn-well was gonna get it! 

It’d been twelve years since he first stepped out with another woman. In the beginning he felt guilty, but the urges were too strong to resist. Beating off in the bathroom didn’t give any lasting satisfaction, so to justify what he did, he told himself, and his buddies, “These women are for service only. They mean nothing.” 

Then he’d laugh nervously and say, “Come on guys, y’all do it.” 

Most nights he did go home to Olivia, but as the years passed he found more ways of staying out later and later. Then, one night he realized Olivia didn’t give a shit what
time he came in, or when he went out. 

All he had to say was, “I’m on the job tonight. I don’t know when I’ll be home.” She’d give him a peck on the cheek and tell him to be careful. After a while he didn’t bother saying anything. He’d come in at two or three in the morning, grab a snack, go to bed—alone of course—and get up at six to be at work by seven.

Pulling up to the tavern, he had one intention in mind—he was gonna drink until he forgot all his problems—at least for the night….

It’d been a long time since Henry had such a hangover, but his pounding head told him he did drink as intended, and wondered if his sisters felt as bad as he did after a night out. 

“Shit! If this
is
how they feel, why in hell do they do it again and again? Stupid! I have totally stupid sisters! And Henry, you’re one brainless bastard to drink like you did last night! And, you’re stupid to be talking to yourself, too! Stupid sonuvabitch!”

Twelve

1957 – Arizona

Daddy told me I’d have to hit more garages soon because we didn’t have enough money to get a room. I hadn’t liked staying in motels since the first time Daddy made me get in bed with him, and if it wasn’t for getting to take a bath and wash my dress, I’d never want to stay in a motel again. 

Daddy got so mad at me when I told him Bobbi said people work hard for what they have and it was wrong to steal. He told me to forget her, but I couldn’t! I loved Bobbi. I didn’t know what had happened to make Daddy hate her, but I didn’t want to steal anymore. 

In a fit of rage he threw all the clothes Bobbi gave me out the window, and yelled, “If I get rid of these damn reminders, you’ll forget her!”

But even without the clothes, I’d never forget Bobbi. Never!

Daddy picked up a woman outside the restaurant this time. He parked our car behind a junk place, and said we’d eat when he got back, but he didn’t come back all night or the following day. When it got dark again, I lay down to wait.

He also threw out the coat Bobbi gave me, and my thin blanket hadn’t kept me warm in a long time. I really got cold during the night, and my can was almost full, too, but I knew I’d be in big trouble if I opened the door to empty it and Daddy found out. 

“Please, Daddy, come back soon.”

I’d fallen asleep, and was dreaming of Bobbi when laughter outside the car woke me up. It scared me at first, but then I heard Daddy’s voice. Thrilled, I jumped up in the seat to look out the window.

I was so happy he’d come back!

“What the hell you lookin’ at, kid?” a woman yelled through the closed window, scaring me so much I jumped away from the window and fell off the seat. Furiously, I glared at her for several minutes before I climbed back onto the seat.

They were both drunk and kept laughing giddily, stumbling and falling into the side of the car. I’d never seen Daddy drink very much, but he was definitely three sheets to the wind that night! 

The woman smashed her face against the window, looking like something out of a horror movie. She had to be the
uglies
t woman I’d ever seen! I wanted her to go away and to leave Daddy alone!

“I said, what the hell you lookin’ at, you snot-nosed brat?” she bellowed.

I scrunched down in the seat and covered my head with my blanket. I didn’t understand why Daddy was rubbing all over her and letting her yell at me, or why he’d be with someone so ugly in the first place! He’d always picked pretty women before.

Trying to block out the nasty sounds they were making, I thought of Bobbi, but their drunken laughter still echoed in my head. I peeked out from under my blanket, and saw him screwing her against the side of the car. Her skirt was up around her waist; his pants down to his ankles.

He held one of her legs up around his waist while he humped her over and over, making the car rock. One of her big tits flopped up and down, almost hitting him in the face. Disgusted, I whispered, “He always did like big boobs.” 

After he got his rocks off, he pulled his pants up, and they stumbled away, arm in arm. Their laughter faded, and soon I no longer could hear it. I hoped Daddy would come back soon—without the ugly woman! 

Lying down, I curled up on the seat. I just wanted to go back to sleep and dream of happier times when my stomach growled so loud I thought
the windows would break, reminding me it’d been days since I’d had anything to eat, and my stomach hurt like it used to before I learned how to trick Daddy. Curling up into a ball, I held my thin blanket tight, and waited for sleep, and for Daddy to return.

Startled awake, I pulled the blanket off my head, but bright sunlight in my eyes prevented me from seeing who had hit the side of the car. It was too late to hide, so I froze, hoping whoever stood outside the car couldn’t see me.

Then I heard the key in the lock and the driver’s door flew open.

“Daddy! You’re back!” I yelled and sat up in the seat.

Climbing in, he looked at me with eyes sparkling. I looked outside, but I didn’t see anyone around—just as I’d wanted—Daddy had returned without the ugly woman!

“Good morning, Sarah, my little dumpling.”

His words sounded friendly enough—and sober.

“Daddy, I missed you so much!” 

“Oh you did, huh? Well, I missed you, too. And, I have a surprise for you.”

Then he smiled like a Cheshire cat, and I knew he wasn’t mad. Bobbi said he’d smile real big like that when he had a big surprise for her, so I figured he must have a
really
big surprise for me!

I hoped he’d brought food, but I didn’t smell anything.

“What, Daddy? What’s the surprise?”

He turned around in the seat until he could look straight at me. “Sarah, we’re gonna live with Janet. She has a big house in the country, and she’s all alone.”

“Janet? Is she the woman from last night?”

“She is. And, the night before last and the two nights before that. Don’t look so surprised, Sarah! It’s been a long time since we stayed in a house and had someone taking care of us.”

“But, you said we were gonna go to Oregon! And what about California?”

“I guess I changed my mind, didn’t I? We’re staying here.”

“But, why
her
? She sounds mean and she’s so
ugly
…” His hand landed across my cheek with great force, cutting off my words.

It hurt like hell!

“Don’t you
ever
say anything like that again, young lady! Janet’s your new mother.”

“What!?”

“Yep. I married her that first night.”

“Why, Daddy? Why did you marry her!?”

“Because you need a mother, and since you won’t help me get money to live on, Janet will support us.”

“Daddy, I’ll go into garages! I’ll do anything you want! But please, Daddy, please get rid of her!”

“You want me to slap the shit out of you, little girl?” His eyes narrowed, giving me the keep–your–mouth–shut look I knew so well.

I stared into the eyes of the man who I knew would slap me into next week if I said anything else about the ugly, mean woman. The bitch who was now my
mother
!

“That’s better. You
will
be nice to Janet, and do whatever she tells you. And, if you don’t, I’ll take my belt to your sweet, little ass!”

“Okay, Daddy. I’ll do whatever you say, but please don’t hit me again.”

“Don’t give me a reason and I won’t. Now, get up here and give Daddy a loving kiss,” he coaxed with a grin and all his charm.

I didn’t hear him slide down his zipper, but he already had his thing out of his pants as I started to climb over. Instantly my head began to spin…

The moment Jean climbed into the front seat, he grabbed hold of her and gave her a lingering kiss, sticking
his tongue deep into her throat. Then, he pushed her away, laughing, and shoved her face down on his hard rod. In a raspy voice, he whispered, “You know how I like it, baby. Treat Daddy good…”

Daddy parked in front of a big white house with bluish-grey trim, and a big yard with a dirty-white fence. The house looked like it could use a coat of paint, as could the fence.

To the right of the house was a tree bigger than I’d ever seen before. The branches were so far up I knew I couldn’t climb it, but I could play around its enormous trunk.

Most of the dirt yard had little sprigs of dead grass scattered here and there. An old tractor sat just inside the fence, and an old grey Sedan was parked outside. Both looked like they hadn’t run in years!

A tall ladder leaned against the house up to the roof, and a narrow brick walkway led up to the porch. A few wilting flowers on either side of the front door were the only color around the house.

Then I saw her—the ugly woman—my new—
mother
!

Daddy had picked a few women who I thought hadn’t been very pretty, but he’d never picked anyone as ugly as this woman. She had eyes that bulged out like a bullfrog, a broad nose with flaring nostrils, and her warped mouth looked to be molded into a permanent frown.

She looked hideous! 

“Sarah, come on.” His voice was stern. “I’m not gonna tell you again. Get out of the car. Janet’s waiting.”

I tried to hide the look of disgust, but I didn’t hide it very well. Daddy grabbed my arm, jerked me out of the car, and landed the back of his hand across my face, knocking me to the ground. 

Wincing from the pain, I looked into his scowling face. For that moment, I hated him! And, I hated her! The ugly witch who stood in the doorway with a shit-eating smirk on her repugnant face!

Just as quickly as he’d knocked me down he pulled me to my feet, and shook me very hard.

“Knock it off, Sarah! Don’t you spoil this for me! Janet has money! Lots of money! She’s our ticket to the easy life. Now start walking, and don’t stop until you speak
nicely
to your mother.”

I wanted to bolt and run, but I knew better. Forcing one foot in front of the other, I moved as slowly as I dared toward the woman, who I knew, I’d hate for the rest of my life, money or not.

Daddy spoke as if honey dripped from his mouth as we neared the porch.

“Janet, darling, we’re here at last.” 

I felt sick to my stomach. The stupid bitch had no idea Daddy would use her and use her until she had nothing left. “Stupid, fuckin’ bitch,” I muttered under my breath.

“Did you say something, Suzy?” 

“I said the flowers are pretty, Daddy.” 

“Well, give your mother a hug.” He gave me a push from behind. “You two ladies are gonna be best of friends.” 

“Hello,” I said, looking at the ground, but made no move toward her.

“Hello, Suzy. You can call me mama if you’d like.”

“No, thank you.”

“Well, what do you want to call me? Mom? Or mother, perhaps?”

I wanted to call her an ugly fuckin’ bitch, but I said, “I don’t know.”

“Well, when you decide, you let me know?” She
looked at Daddy, and smiled obliquely. “It’ll be okay, Eddie. She’s just shy. She’ll come ‘round.”

I looked up at her just as she looked down at me, and I saw the same smirk she had when Daddy had knocked me down. Who did the bitch think she was fooling? She hated me as much as I hated her!

“Come on in. I’ll show you to your room, Suzy.  And then, Eddie, you and I have some catching up to do.” She laughed, and Daddy laughed with her.

I wanted to puke!

She led me through the kitchen, then through the living room to a door on the right. “This will be your room, Suzy. Eddie and I have grown-up things to do.” She then grabbed the front of his jeans, and led him through a door on the other side of the room, slamming the door behind them. 

My
tiny
room, not much bigger than a walk-in closet, consisted of a twin bed, a rickety old two-drawer dresser with a small lamp on top, and a very small closet. It was dreadfully plain and very depressing. It reminded me so much of the room at Uncle Frank’s house that my thoughts filled with hate.

“I hate this room! I hate this house! I hate Janet! I hate Uncle Frank! I hate
…
everyone!” 

I tossed my suitcase on the bed, then remembered it was empty, and set it inside the closet. I thought of going outside, but Daddy hadn’t said I could, and not wanting to piss him off again—or to get hit again—I sat down on the bed and waited.

Several hours later I heard dishes clanking and hoped she’d started to fix dinner. When it got too dark to see, I turned on the lamp and waited and waited, but no one came for me. Then everything got quiet again.

Leaving my room, I found the bathroom at the end of a hallway off the living room. It was also small, but it had a tub. I wanted to take a bath, but afraid I’d wake them if I ran water, I peed, went back to my room, and flopped on the bed. 

“I’m so hungry! I should sneak into the kitchen.” I opened my door just enough to peer into the darkness of the
living room. Everything still appeared deserted, so I crept out and headed for the kitchen. 

Not knowing where the light switch was, I moved with caution, but ran into a chair and almost fell to the floor. I remained motionless, only moving on when I didn’t hear any noise in the house.

Finding the refrigerator, I opened the door and had just reached for a package of bologna, when I heard a noise behind me and the light came on. Janet stood across the room glaring with her stone-cold, ugly face full of hate.

“Just what do you think you’re doing?” she asked venomously.

“I…I…was hungry. I just…”

“You just what, you little vagrant!?”