BITTER MEMORIES: A Memoir of Heartache & Survival (12 page)

“I wanted something to eat!” I defensively blurted out. 

“You missed dinner, so you’ll wait ‘til breakfast!”

“But, no one came for me!”

“I’m not dragging you to the table when it’s time to eat. Get to your room, and get out of
my
refrigerator!” She snapped her fingers, and pointed toward my room.

Too scared to argue, I closed the refrigerator, ran to my room, collapsed on my bed, and cried myself to sleep.

I was awakened by laughter, and heard Daddy yell, “When’s breakfast gonna be ready?” I couldn’t hear the response, but not wanting to miss another meal, I jumped off my bed, and went into the living room where Daddy sat on the couch watching TV.

“Well, good mornin’, sunshine! Thought you were gonna sleep your life away.”

He didn’t sound mad, so I sat next to him, figuring Janet hadn’t told him what had happened in the kitchen. 

“Breakfast will be ready in a few minutes.”

“Good! I’m so hungry, Daddy.”

From the kitchen doorway, Janet said, bitterly, “You should have to stay in your room all day without breakfast, after that stunt last night.”

I glared at her, hotly.

“Oh? What happened last night?” Daddy looked at me, then at Janet.

“I caught her in the kitchen without asking,” she
smirked. 

“What were you doing in the kitchen, Suzy?”

“I was hungry, Daddy. I wasn’t gonna make a mess. Honest! I’m sorry.” Tears stung my eyes.

“Janet, sweetie, don’t you think, just this once, we can let this slide? I’m sure she didn’t mean any harm.”

“Eddie, I need free reign if you expect me to raise her!”

“And you will, sweetie, but Suzy didn’t have anything to eat for several days before I met you. I assumed she was asleep when we had dinner. She was just hungry. I think we can let it slide…just this one time.” He smiled his most charming smile. 

“Fine! But, after this, I
will not
tolerate you contradicting me. She will obey me or else!” Turning abruptly, she went back into the kitchen.

“Better be careful, Sarah,” he whispered. “She’s a mean one.”

I nodded in agreement, and thought, from the expression on her face, Daddy’s charm wasn’t gonna work with this old witch! I’d just have to stay out of her way.

“Breakfast is ready!” she bellowed out in her nasally voice.

I’d smelled the bacon from the living room, and followed Daddy into the kitchen, then waited until
she
told me where to sit. My mouth watered as she carried two plates to the table, giving one plate to Daddy, and the other she put down where she’d sit.

Going back to the stove, she returned with a
saucer
, which she sat down in front of me, and said, “You better eat every bite on this plate, Suzy.”

I had one piece of burned bacon, one egg, fried very hard, and half a slice of dry toast, also burned. They both had
several slices of bacon, two eggs and two pieces of buttered toast, and nothing burned.

Only my food had been burnt. I knew she did it on purpose, hoping I’d say something about it, or about not having enough, but I disappointed her and didn’t say a word. It tasted terrible, but starving, I ate every bite.

I didn’t know when I’d get to eat again, but I figured if Janet had her way, it’d be never! I knew I’d have to be careful the next time I raided the fridge and not get caught.

I shoved in the last bite of toast, and smiled at her.

Daddy knew I could eat three times what she’d given me, and tried to give me some of his bacon and a piece of toast, but Janet said, “No! She’s had enough.” 

He didn’t argue, so I asked Daddy if I could be excused. Janet answered.

“Washing dishes is
one
of your jobs to pay for your keep. There’s a stool in the corner for you to use.” She pointed to the far corner of the kitchen. “Get to it!” 

“I have to go to the bathroom first.” 

“Make it snappy! I want this mess cleaned up, now,” she barked.

I wanted to stay in the bathroom all day, but certain that wouldn’t be a good idea, I peed, went back to the kitchen, pulled the stool over to the sink, and began washing dishes. 

When Daddy finished eating, they left the kitchen, and within moments laughter came from their room. After washing dishes and wiping off the table, I went back to my room and flopped down on the bed.

We’d been living with Janet for several months when Daddy came out to the big tree where I was playing. He told me he
had
to get a job to get out of the house and away from her for a few hours each day.

“She’s driving me fuckin’ nuts, Sarah! Always telling
me what to do! I didn’t move in here to fix up this dump, or to take orders from her!”

I didn’t want to be left alone with her, but he soon found a job. She
acted
nice until he drove away, then she’d hit me and make me stay in my room all day without food. But when Daddy was there, I got to play outside by the big tree until time to come in and eat. I didn’t have any toys, so at night I stayed in my room, alone.

Daddy was always with her!

“There’s only one good thing about Janet—she’s doing all the fuckin’ stuff he used to make us do!”
Jean voiced with loathing.

Before I went to bed Daddy told me he had to go out of town on a job, and that he’d be gone for two weeks.
I dreaded him leaving me each day, and I didn’t know what she’d do to me with him being gone that long, but the thought terrified me.

“Please, Daddy, please don’t leave me with her!” I pleaded. 

“I can’t take you with me, Sarah. I have to take care of business. I’ll be back before you know it. Just stay out of her way.”

That night, every time I dozed off, I’d awake from terrible nightmares. I dreamed Janet had turned into a real witch with an extremely long pointed nose, warts all over her face, and glaring red, bulging eyes. She stood over me with a knife in her hand, and fire came out of her flared nostrils!

Terrified, over and over again, I’d sit straight up in bed and muffle a scream.

The next morning I felt so tired I didn’t want to move. When I heard a noise at my door, I turned over and saw Janet standing in my doorway, glaring. She didn’t have warts, red eyes, or fire coming out her nose, but she still looked like a witch. An ugly, wicked old, evil witch! 

I shuddered, remembering my nightmares.

“Where’s Daddy?” I asked meekly.

“He’s gone. It’s just you and me now.” Her malicious smile turned into a nasty, superior-type smirk which told me she had something up her sleeve, and whatever she had in
mind, I wasn’t gonna like it.

“You
are
gonna do as I say, little girl, or you
will
be sorry. I will
not
take any shit from you!” Then, she turned abruptly and left.

I hoped she’d cook breakfast, but she didn’t fix breakfast or lunch. She had a bottle of booze and stayed on the couch all day drinking, talking on the phone, and cackling like an old hen.

When she wasn’t looking, I snuck outside to play under the tree. When the sun hung low in the sky I slipped back into my room. Either she didn’t know I went outside, or she didn’t care—that time. 

Later that night a strange man came over. They stayed in Janet’s bedroom drinking and laughing so loud I couldn’t sleep. I didn’t know what time it was when she came into my room, jerked me out of bed, and threw me to the floor.

“Get your little ass outside and stay there ‘til I tell you to come in!”

“But, Janet, it’s dark. Why do I have to go outside? Why can’t I stay here and sleep?”

“Don’t argue with me, little bitch! I don’t want you in my face! MOVE IT!”

Getting up from the floor, I ran outside, but the cold forced me back inside to get my blanket. They were on the couch, naked! Tiptoeing, I tried to sneak past them, but the man saw me, and smiled.

“Hey, who’s this little angel?”

“It’s Eddie’s kid, and she’s a little bitch! What are you doing back in here!?” she bellowed.

“I came for my blanket.”

Furious, she leaped off the couch, and was standing in my face before I could run. “Well, I don’t think so! Get outside!
NOW!” Her wide nostrils flared even more.

“But, my blanket!” I took a step toward my room, but her hand struck the side of my face so hard it sent me
tumbling halfway across the room.

“
GET OUT!” she screamed and came toward me again.

Frightened, I bolted up from the floor, and ran outside before she reached me. For hours I sat under the tree, freezing, and waited for daylight.

The sun had been up for several hours when the man came out of the house and left. I waited and waited, and it had gotten dark again before she called me to come in.

The moment I stepped inside the door, she grabbed my arm and the back of her free hand struck my face, hurting so much my eyes watered. 

“Don’t you
ever
disobey me again!” She spoke through clinched teeth. “Get to your room and stay there!”

I ran to my room, slammed my door, and flung myself onto the bed. I didn’t expect dinner, and I was right. Another day with nothing to eat. “Damn! This is worse than it ever was on the road with Daddy! Here, there’s food, except I can’t get to it without risking a beating.”

But—after several days—I did take that chance.

I’d wait until she passed out, then I’d sneak into the kitchen, grab a slice of cheese or a piece of bologna and run back to my room. She drank a bottle or more of bourbon every time Daddy was gone, so she always passed out, sooner or later. 

I’d fallen asleep and was dreaming of happier days with Bobbi, when awakened by laughter from the kitchen and a man’s voice. Jumping out of bed, I ran into the living room expecting to see Daddy, but that strange man from the night before had returned.

He had a bottle of booze in one hand and the other hand was up the front of Janet’s dress. Seeing me, she tossed her head back and cackled in amusement.

“So, little bitch, you want some of this?” Her lips curled with disgust. “I just made a deal with Hank that for twenty bucks and this bottle of bourbon he gets
you
!” she shrieked in her drunken state.

“What do you mean,
he gets me
?”

Janet mocked, in a sing-song voice, “What do you
mean? What do you mean?” Then, as if on cue, her expression changed, and her face hardened. Her lips pursed with suppressed fury, and I began to float away to my safe place.

My protectors knew exactly what she meant!

“I mean, little whore, Hank’s gonna take you and have his way with you, and you’re gonna do whatever he wants!”

Her words cut like a knife had been shoved deeply into my heart, and again, I felt sorrow, and fear for the others. 

“I won’t!”
Jean yelled, defying her, expecting to feel Janet’s hand across her face. Instead, Hank grabbed the back of her neck with his burly hand, and squeezed tightly.

“I just paid Janet twenty dollars
cash
, plus this bottle, to have a little whore like you!” he retorted, then threw Jean to the floor. Her head hit the wall. When she looked up, Hank stood over her glaring, wildly. “You’ll do as I say, or I’ll kill you! Understand, bitch?”

Lying there dazed, Hank jerked her off the floor by her hair, slammed her into the wall and ground his body into hers. 

“Are you gonna do as I say, or do I have to hurt you?”

“Fine! What do you want, asshole?”
Jean’s anger—her defense mechanism— boiled over.

“That’s better, little whore! Enjoy your booze, Janet.” He handed her the bottle, and with his hand still around the back of Jean’s neck, he pushed her in front of him.

“Oh, I’ll enjoy this, Hank.” She flung herself down on the couch, cackling. “Have fun with the little bitch!” 

Jean gave her a look that should’ve made the hair stand up on the back of her gaunt neck, but absorbed in pouring a stiff shot of bourbon, Janet didn’t notice.

Hank slammed my door, then threw Jean on the bed and began to undress. “Get those clothes off, little whore. I’ve waited all day for this.” 

Hank was broad-shouldered, with enormous hands, a cratered face, frazzled salt and pepper hair, and piercing brown eyes. His breath smelled of liquor. His voice, husky.

I understood the others had to protect me, but I knew as well as they did, that night would be another just like all those times with Uncle Frank, and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it. I had to stay tucked away—safe—while Jean took the abuse from this horrible, disgusting man. 

Against her will, he held Jean and shoved his filthy rod
in her face. She wanted to bite him until he fuckin’ screamed, but she knew he’d hurt her badly if she did. I cried when Jean closed her eyes and had to settle for more humiliation and pain.