Black Lies White Lies (2 page)

Aunt Sally had made the spare room pleasant and comfortable for me. I hadn’t realized I was so tired until I lay down across the large feather bed and fell into a deep sleep.

I woke the next morning to the smell of bacon cooking in the kitchen along with fresh eggs, pancakes and hot rise biscuits. I knew Aunt Sally would have fresh strawberry jam that she canned every year. I went into the bathroom that was so small you couldn't turn around in and turned on the water in the claw foot tub. This was 2010 and zero down here had changed.

~~~

God I needed a bath. I poured the rose scented bath beads into the tub. It smelled fantastic. I slipped out of my silk nightie. In Tennessee, it was hot this time of the year, even though it was early May. My grandmother used to call it a blackberry winter when it got a little cooler in May, which was almost never. She had been a wise old woman.

Lying back in the tub I thought of all the things and people I had seen, but the one who kept coming to mind was Lance Jackson. If there was any black man I genuinely wanted to be with, it was Lance. He had been my first crush, always playing the clown. He had lived two doors down from where my Aunt Sally lived now. I had seen him every summer when we came to Aunt Sally’s. Momma had always said we went to Aunt Sally’s to give her a break. She’d always said, let your Daddy's people keep you and your sisters for a while since he never does.

And every summer, there was Lance Jackson, the finest guy in the neighborhood. Or so I had thought. He would always come down to Aunt Sally's to see if I wanted to go fishing.
We would
go down to the corner store to buy candy or sodas. He always had money from his weekly allowance or from working around the house for his folks. He would sit on the steps of my aunt's house and wait for me until my chores were done. Aunt Sally would call out to him, “You thirsty, Lance?”

“Yes, Ma’am,” and she would give him a glass of water. She always said, water is beneficial for the soul. I guess my soul was lacking because I had never like it all that much as a child. I remembered that on this particular day we were going fishing, which I hated. The worms were slimy and gross. But just to be with Lance aka Mr. Jackson, I would suffer through it.

Aunt Sally snapped me out of my thoughts, “Child, are you done in there yet? The food is getting cold.”

“Yes, Ma’am. I'm getting out now.” I stepped out, dried myself off and got dressed. I looked into the antique mirror and thought I was looking look pretty decent for thirty two. I still had the body for sin and the face to match.

My stomach was making this sound like a caged lion. Better go get some of this down home cooking, I thought as I walked down the hall to the kitchen. My Aunt Sally and Uncle Tee were already sitting down. “I thought you weren't ever going to come out of the bathroom,” Uncle Tee said with a smile.

“Well it takes a little more time for a woman, Uncle Tee.”

He just laughed, “I clean up and get out. Takes me about 15 minutes, tops.”

“Don’t pay Tee no mind, Child. He's just talking. Just sit down and eat your breakfast before it gets cold.”

Breakfast ended and I started getting ready for the funeral. I dreaded the moment Sabrina, Sandra and I would all be in the same room. I slipped on my black, designer dress along with the pearls my grandmother had given me. I put on my black, Louis Vuitton heels, brushed my hair back in a French twist and thought, I'm ready for the fireworks.

Chapter2

When we arrived at the church seemed like everyone in town was there, including the Mayor. I always knew he and my mother’d had a thing going. He would always give her hundred dollar bills to pay for our Christmas. I think Daddy sent what he had, but it never seemed like much to Momma.

We were ushered into the church and seated up front with the family. Sandra’s husband was officiating. He was a pastor in one of the largest churches in Memphis. Sandra seemed happy enough. She was dressed in all black with a hat so ridiculously large it kept brushing Sabrina’s head. Sabrina tried moving over with this look on her face like she wanted to snatch it off.

Sandra had actually married up. She’d always wanted to marry a Christian man. When we were kids she would always say, I want to marry a man just like Pastor Anderson. Who was now the Pastor of the church her husband was preaching in this very day. She had two kids and a house in the suburbs with a white picket fence. I guess she’d got three out three. Now that’s good for a girl whose mother was the talk about town.

Here we all stood, saying bye to the person that had molded us into the people we were today, in one way or another.

Bryan, Sandra’s husband, preached a beautiful service. He spoke highly of Momma, who had thought he was an uppity nigga and would constantly tell Sandra that. She would tell Momma, you’re just full of the devil. Momma would always say, you and your husband live in that big house of yours on other people's money. Christians my ass, you and your husband are just getting rich. When Sandra could finally take no more of Momma’s ranting she would tell Momma, I'm out of this hell hole. Momma would say, the truth hurts and that's why she left.

After the services we went to the cemetery, her final resting place. It seemed sad at that exact moment, but I had no tears to shed that day. Maybe one day in the future.

After the funeral everyone went back to the church hall. There, friends and family gathered to say their goodbyes and go their separate ways. The first thing I noticed was my father was not present, here or at the funeral. Guess he wasn’t going to come and cause himself any more pain. I didn't blame him. After all, this woman, my mother, had put him through hell.

The one other person I wanted and needed to see was Lance. I knew he would make me feel better. I started looking over the crowd to see if he might be there. To my surprise, he was, handsome as ever. And he was there alone. We finally made eye contact and he strolled my direction. “Candice, you're looking well on such a sad occasion.”

“Thank you, Lance.” I smiled a little, not wanting to appear too happy. “Yeah, this has been a sad day.”

“I know just how you feel,” he smiled back, in that knowing way he and I shared. I had always told him how I’d felt about Momma and her I don't give a damn ways. He would always say, we don't choose our parents or our family. “I saw your car at Aunt Sally’s. I knew it was yours from the license plates. Sally told me you were living in New York. So you’re a city girl huh?”

“It was just the place I ended up, I guess.”

“Well, Miss Candice. I can call you Miss? You didn't go off and get married on me did you?”

“No, I’m not married. Nothing real serious going on with me right now.”

“You’re too gorgeous to be single, so where is he?”

“Well I have a friend.” I lied with a straight face, because I considered him more than a friend.

“Oh, he's just a friend? I'm sure your friend wouldn’t mind if I take you to dinner before you leave town.”

“No, why would he? We’re just friends,” I said as I smiled.

The crowd started to thin, everyone going their separate ways. All the food was being put away or given away by Aunt Sally and the sisters of the church.

“I’d better get going. It's getting late. But don’t forget about dinner. Here, let me put my number in your phone so you can call when you get settled tonight.”

“Ok, I will.”

“Wow, Candice. It's been so lovely seeing you again,” he leaned over and he kissed me on the cheek. “Call me.”

I stood there wondering if I would call. He was gone, but his cologne lingered. When we had been in high school, hanging out together, Lance had been an outstanding athlete. Even when he would sweat, he would always smell pleasant. We would walk home together after school. “Who are you trying to impress, Lance Jackson?” I would ask.

“You, for one, and the ladies like the way I smell.”

“You are just so full of yourself, Lance.” He’d start moving around in this silly way only he could do and saying “It’s Mr. Jackson if you’re nasty.” He thought he was the king of the walk. And he was to me. I wanted nothing more than to be Lance Jackson’s girl.

~~~

We made it back to Aunt Sally’s. I needed to check my phone. I knew I had messages and emails. My thoughts kept drifting back to Lance and how fine he looked after all these years. His scent seemed to linger in my thoughts as I changed into my bed clothes. The day was finally over and I was glad. Momma was resting.

I was about to check my messages when Aunt Sally called from the kitchen. “Candice, your father is here to see you.” My heart stopped for just a moment. Daddy had come to see me. I hurried into my robe.

Seeing my father’s face again brought tears to my eyes. I thought he might break when I hugged him. He was so thin, not like I remembered. He kissed me, “I’m so glad to see you. It’s been so long.”

“Yes, Daddy, it has been a long time.”

“Buck, why don’t you sit down while I make some coffee, I’ve got some cake left over from the funeral.”

“I can’t visit long,
Sally. I’ve got things I have to do. I just wanted to stop by and see my favorite girl before she left.”

“Daddy, don’t tell you’re leaving before we can catch up.”

“Buck, Mattie’s funeral was lovely, you should have been there.”

“Sorry I couldn’t make it. It was just too much for me. Where’s Sandra and Sabrina? I actually wanted to see them too.”

“They went back to Memphis right after we left the church.”

“Guess they have busy lives to go back to.”

“I guess, Daddy, but they could have stayed longer. They only think of themselves and what's relevant to them.”

“You’re here, and that’s all that matters right now. Tell me what’s going on with you, Candice.”

“Just work. I’m up for a promotion.”

“That’s incredible, Baby Girl. I hope you get it.”

“Me too, Daddy.”

“You look so much like your mother, Candice. You have her smile. Who could ever forget that beautiful smile?” I could see the sadness in his eyes. Daddy had never actually gotten over Momma. Even after all the things she had done, he still loved her.

“Enough about me. What about you? I know you’re doing something other than working.”

Daddy looked at Aunt Sally, “When is that coffee going to be ready? I can’t wait for some of that butter pound cake. Thought about it all day.” That really meant, let’s not talk about it anymore.

“It’s coming right up. I’ll go out back and get Tee. He would love to visit with you. You haven’t been around much Buck. Are things going ok?”

“Look what I got, Candice.” In his hand was a piece of bubble gum. My daddy always had a way of avoiding things.

“Daddy, you didn’t forget.” We held each other tight. I love this man I thought, as tears welled in my eyes. “Daddy, let’s have some of this cake.” I didn’t want him to see the pain or my tears.

Uncle Tee came in just in time, “Buck, what’s been up? Long time no see.”

“Yeah, Man. Just been working and doing my thing. Got anything to go in this coffee?”

“Nah, Man. Sally won’t let me keep nothing in the house. But come outside in the garage and I’ll see what I can do.” Daddy’s face kind of lit up. “What she doesn’t know want hurt her.”

They both headed out the door as Aunt Sally walked in. “Where’s Tee and Buck?”

“They went out in the garage.”

“I told Tee about that. Your daddy’s not supposed to be drinking because of his liver problem.”

“Is Daddy sick, Aunt Sally?”

“I thought I told you about that. Your daddy has Cirrhosis of the liver and he needs to stop drinking. He got sick last year and we had to take him to the hospital over in Memphis. We didn’t think he was going to make it. His doctor says if he is going to keep drinking he might as well write his death warrant. But you know your daddy. He’s stubborn and never listens to nobody.”

“Well he’s going to listen to me.”

“Now Candice, there’s no need stirring the pot. He’s a grown man and he’s going to do what he wants.”

I couldn’t breathe. I had just lost my momma and it looked as if I was going to lose my father too. I needed some air to get away from all of this nonsense. My mother was dead, my Daddy was sick and not wanting to listen. Why did I come home to this mess? “Aunt Sally, I’m going for a walk.”

“Going for a walk? At this time of night?”

“Nothing around here to bother me. I’ll be back.” I forgot I just had on my robe and pajamas, but it didn’t matter. I was in the sticks. Everybody went to bed with the chickens anyway. I stepped off the porch and hit my toe on a step. “Ouch. Dammit.” I hated this country shit. The tears started flowing. Some for Momma, some for Daddy and perhaps, some just for me.

~~~

Why? Why God, did you have to take my momma? Even though Momma was a bitch to be around and raised hell all the time, she was still my mother. And so was my father, who would never hurt a soul. He just loved a woman who wouldn’t love him back. I don’t think she even loved herself. She was mad at the world for the things she didn’t have, the life she had wanted but somehow didn’t want her back. I wished she could have at least had a life with Daddy. I know he loved her. Maybe he could have loved her past the pain.