Blame It on the Shame (Blame It on the Shame: Lou-Lou and Ricardo's Story #1) (30 page)

But I can't. I can't give into this urge and the recent events have only made it that much clearer for me.

I'm going back to DeLuca in a few weeks.

And if I give myself fully to Ricardo...I won't survive it this time.

He takes my hand and we begin walking. I see a large blanket spread out on the horizon and my heart stops beating entirely when I see what else is there.

Surrounding the outskirts of the blanket are around 25 beautiful glass vases.

Each and every vase is filled with dandelion's...dandelions that have all gone to seed.

He leans down and kisses my cheek. “I gathered as many as I could for you. All you have to do is make a wish.”

He remembered
.

Tears threaten my eyes again but I stuff them down for good.

I can't allow myself to fall apart and cry ever again. I
have
to be strong like I was in order to get through what will be awaiting me when I go back to DeLuca.

But that doesn't mean I can't still treasure these moments with him.

These moments where I feel like I'm a princess and I dare to believe again.

These moments where for the
first
time in my life—I know my wish will be for more than just freedom.

He stuffs his hands in the pockets of his jeans. “I know it's not millions of dollars worth of jewelry or anything—”

I put my finger to his lips silencing him. “It's the best present I've ever received in my whole entire life.”

And I mean it...he has
no
idea what this means to me.

I've always hated jewelry...ever since my father handed me my first Tiffany's box as a way of bribing me for my silence.

The thought of wearing jewelry makes me want to peel off my skin and clean it with bleach.

Fucked up thing is...DeLuca knows my reasoning for not wearing jewelry...and yet he still insists on buying it for me.

I lie down on the blanket and look up at him. “This is amazing.”

He gives me a smile and lies down next to me. He holds my hand but stays silent, letting me take in my surroundings.

I look up at the night sky and breathe in the warm end of July air.

Normally it's muggy and humid this time of year, but tonight there's a breeze that makes everything that much more perfect.

I've never felt more free in my life than right now, staring up at the stars, watching the planes pass by, basking in the moon's glow.

Knowing with every beat of my heart that the man holding my hand is one who wouldn't abuse me and that I'm safe with him.

I'm breathing in air and letting it out effortlessly for the first time in my life.

I'm experiencing something that most people would take for granted but I'm soaking up every second of it...I'll remember this feeling for the rest of my life.

I turn to look at him “Can we sleep out here tonight?”

He turns to face me and tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. “Of course.”

We face the night sky again, both of us folding our arms under our head. “Truth—I don't regret beating Scarlet up,” I say.

I hear him laugh softly. “I know you don't.
Truth
—you have a mean right hook.”

That's when I start laughing. “I take that as quite the compliment coming from you, coach.” I quickly utter my next statement before I lose my nerve. “Truth—I didn't beat her up because of DeLuca. I beat her up because she said she was using you.” I pause and swallow a gulp of air. “But if I'm being honest, I really wanted to punch her the second she talked about your cock piercing and your magic tongue.”

His laughing comes to a halt. “
What
? I didn't tell her to—”

“Are you saying it's
not
true?”

There's a long pause before he says, “That's not what I'm saying.”

“How did it happen?”

“I let someone stick a barbell through my dick.” He gives me a cocky smirk. “The other is pure skill.”

I nudge him with my elbow and fight the rush of arousal his words are causing. “What I meant was what made you
want
to get one?”

“An act of solidarity,” he says. “Jackson and Tyrone ended up falling off the grid after Tyrone got drunk at the bar after their first fight. When I finally found them at the tattoo shop, I needed to prove that I was in the gauntlet with them and they could trust me. Despite it being Tyrone's idea, he kept chickening out. So, I went first and got an apadravya. This way, he could see it wasn't all that bad. He was still a bit freaked so Jackson got one too. His drunk ass relented after that and he kept telling the piercer to make his prince albert look pretty. That's what he ended up with.”

He laughs while recalling the memory. “The next morning he screamed like a girl because he didn't remember any of it. Jackson and I laughed so hard we had tears rolling down our face. I never saw Jackson laugh or let down his guard before that, so it proved to be a bonding experience for the three of us.”

His story doesn't surprise me one bit. “They're important to you.”

He nods. “They're the closest thing to a family I've ever had. We may fight and argue sometimes but I'd do anything for them.”

I don't even need to look into his eyes to know how much he means it. Jackson and Tyrone really have no idea how much Ricardo looks out for them. What he's fighting against all by himself to ensure their safety.

The horrifying thought hits me. “Can I ask you a question?”

“You know you can ask me anything.”

“What if DeLuca uses Jackson and Tyrone as leverage in order to force you to take over for him?” I sit up. “Ricardo, you have to know it
will
come to that one day.”

He squeezes his eyes shut. “I know it will. In approximately 7 years to be exact.” I don't miss the affliction in his tone.

“What are you going to do?”

He visibly swallows. “If I have to become him in order to protect
them
I will. Hopefully, by the time DeLuca
dies
, I won't be so far gone that I can't find my way back.”

“I can't believe you'd do that for them. That's worse than
dying
for them. You
hate
him, Ricardo. He...
you're
. You're just
not
him and being forced to become him will ruin you.”

He sits up and exhales sharply. “I know. He has the best leverage in terms of Jackson and Tyrone. He knows it's his only shot at making me do the one thing I swore I never would.”

He visibly swallows. “I didn't want to bring this up tonight, but I guess there's no point in not saying it. The more I think about it. I'm convinced that something's off, Lou-Lou. Really off.”

I fight off a shiver with those words. “What do you mean?”

“I'm saying I think he
wanted
us or rather,
me
to figure out that his plan was to have you come here to seduce them. He wanted me to keep you away from them and he
knew
I would. Just like he knew it would be
insanely
easy for me to figure out that his plan was to cause a rift in my friendship with them.”

“You're saying his plan was too simple?”

“I'm saying his plan was too
stupid
. And DeLuca's many things...but stupid isn't one of them.”

His entire body tenses. “There's no way it was the real plan.”

“What exactly are you saying, Ricardo?”

“Think about it, Lou-Lou. If you had the only leverage at your disposal that could make the son who hates you do the
one
thing you'll eventually need him to do...why would you go out of your way to destroy that? DeLuca should be wanting me to get even closer to Tyrone and Jackson...not pushing me
away
from them.”

I gasp and my hands fly over my mouth. “He said the first plan didn't work out the way he wanted it to.”

He turns his head and his eyes flash. “What? When did he say this?
Why
didn't you tell me?”

“Don't get mad at me,” I say. “I
couldn't
tell you about our last conversation because he had me bugged, remember?”

I rub my temples. “You're right, he would never give up his leverage...and he didn't. Because he told me
not
to seduce them anymore. Right before he told me that the first plan didn't work out.
Then
he told me that he
wasn't
displeased by the turn of events and that he was happy with my loyalty to him.
Then
he said that he knew without a shadow of a doubt that we're meant to be. And finally, he told me that he didn't believe your 'good son' act and that's why he needs me to spy on you...to make sure it's genuine. I know it sounds crazy, but I don't think his plan is
nearly
as complex as you think it is. I think he was just using Jackson and Tyrone to get you to bend to his will. I think involving them was a cry for your attention because he wants you to be closer to him. You're all he has, Ricardo.”

His brows draw together. “Yeah, you could be right. He...
our
conversations lately have been more father and son and less mob boss and employee.”

He holds out his arms and I fall into them. “I
am
right, Ricardo. His face lit up when he told me about how you started calling him 'Babbo' again. He said it meant a lot to him that I went out of my way to sing his praises to you.
You're
the most important person in the world to him.
You're
protected.”

I squeeze my eyes shut when I realize that I, however, am
not
.

In fact, I know the real reason DeLuca brought me here.

He wasn't testing Ricardo at all. He was testing
me
.

He was going to kill me if I slept with them.

But I didn't...
that's
why he told me the plan had changed and he was happy about my loyalty to him.

That's why he's so convinced we're meant to be now. I passed the test.

I should be feeling relieved, but instead, I feel the opposite.

I'm scared shitless...because I royally fucked up.

There's no doubt in my mind that DeLuca knows I have feelings for his son.

He was right...he knows everything about me.

And he caught my slip-up. “
Because I can't take having your hands on me when I'm supposed to be seducing Tyrone and Jackson.
”

I was supposed to be seducing
Ricardo
as well.

But I never said Ricardo's name...because I couldn't bring myself to seduce him.

I never said
anything
about Ricardo to DeLuca, only when prompted. However, Ricardo talked about
me
.

And DeLuca knows I've never told anyone about my father...only him.

That means DeLuca
knows
I trust Ricardo...and I can't trust
anyone
.

And
that's
why he bugged
me
...this way he could catch me in the act. He wants to catch me sleeping with Ricardo so he can
kill
me.

It's the only thing that makes sense.

“You're shaking, Lou-Lou,” Ricardo whispers. “You okay?”

No...I'm
not
okay. I'm a girl on death row.

“I love your father,” I say, more to convince myself than him.

His fingers dig into my shoulders and he spins me around to face him.“You keep tossing that around but I don't believe it for a second.”

“Well, you have to believe it because it's the truth.”

His eyes search my face. “No, it's not, Lou-Lou. And I'll prove it to you.”

He moves and shifts us so that my back is pressed against his front. I can feel his eyes on me with his next statement. “Truth—I
hate
the thought of you being with him.”

“Truth—you need to get over it because I want DeLuca.”

He leans in, his nose grazing my neck. “You're right...you do want DeLuca.”

I close my eyes because the only thing worse than hearing the words come out of my own mouth are hearing them come out of
his
.

“Just not the DeLuca you're trying to convince yourself you do,” he says.

I feel that electric shift between us and my nerves explode when his fingertips brush across my legs, stopping at the end of my shorts which are mid-thigh.

I want to beg him to go higher and yet I know I have to be smart and beg him to stop.