Board Stiff (Xanth) (30 page)

They listened, and did hear the faint sounds of demolition. So it seemed that a hacker had made a door that could be opened only from the inside, and Ease had opened it, letting the bots in.

“What now?” Mitch asked.

“We deal with the rogue bot plague.”

“How?”

“That is for us to figure out.”

“Are you sure there’s anything to figure out?” Tiara asked. “That there really is a way to handle this menace?”

“Oh, yes,” Pewter said. “There’s always a way. But it is seldom simple or obvious.”

“We can’t just use Goggle or Binge to find it?”

“It won’t be listed in their data banks. The first thing a virus does is protect itself from discovery, because discovery dooms it. It is high-tech.”

“So why don’t we go through this labyrinth and open every door?” Tiara asked. “The answer must be somewhere.”

“Because there are thousands of doors. MacroHard alone has more doors than you can wave a Mouse at.”

“Do you have a better way?” she asked evenly.

Pewter sighed. “No.”

“But maybe I do,” Astrid said. “If these bots are from Stuck Net, won’t they try to conceal their source so nobody can destroy it?”

“They should,” Pewter agreed guardedly. “Protecting their source from discovery, as I said.” The machine obviously felt she was asking a stupid question.

“So if we open doors and they ignore us, we’re on the wrong track. But if they start paying attention, and trying to stop us, we’re on the right track.”

“That’s just foolish enough that it might be true,” Pewter said.

“So let’s get moving, low-tech. Maybe they don’t expect this, and can’t stop us from blundering into the key chamber.”

Pewter spread his hands. “
I
did not expect this, so probably they did not either.”

“Then we will organize,” Mitch said, clearly glad to support his girlfriend. “We shall have to act as a group, staying close to Pewter, so as to remain within his firewall. But we should be able to open many doors at once, speeding up our search.”

“But each door leads to a different chamber,” Astrid said. “Unless we go beyond the firewall, we won’t be much better than a single person.”

“Apt point,” Mitch agreed. “Which of us can most safely go beyond the firewall?”

“That depends on what the bots try to do to us,” Astrid said. “I don’t think I can glare them off, because they aren’t alive. But maybe they can’t hurt me either.”

“Maybe we should test this,” Mitch said. “We can take turns stopping outside the firewall, and see whether the bots can hurt us. If they threaten to overwhelm one of us, the others can quickly rescue the one at risk. Does that make sense?”

“It does to me,” Astrid said. “I’ll go first.”

“Wait!” Tiara cried. “Suppose they pull the sequins off your dress?”

“Oh, my,” Astrid said. “They could, and that would be disaster.”

“Unless you go naked again,” Ease said.

“I could do that,” she agreed. “If it didn’t disrupt you and Mitch.”

Mitch shook his head. Those panties are almost as deadly as your perfume, and a lot faster. We’re bound to freak out.” He glanced at Tiara. “No offense. I love you, but panties are magic.”

“I know,” Tiara said.

“I said naked,” Ease said. “No panties or bra.”

“I could do that. I could give my clothing and underclothing to Pewter for safekeeping and go nude. That wouldn’t really bother me, because in my natural state I wear no clothing.”

“Let’s do it,” Tiara said.

Astrid removed her clothing and gave it to Pewter, who stored it carefully in a knapsack. Then she stepped beyond the firewall.

The bots converged, grabbing at her with their little hands. “Ooo, that tickles!” she exclaimed. But that was all; it seemed they couldn’t actually hurt her. They were designed to mess up machinery, not living flesh.

Astrid strode to a door and opened it. The bots showed no special alarm. She entered the adjacent chamber and they heard her opening other doors. Still no alarm. “This can’t be the right route,” she called, returning.

“The test was whether the bots could hurt you,” Mitch said. “We are reassured. It would be unfortunate if such a lovely body--” He broke off as Tiara pinched him, then resumed. “Of information were blocked off.”

Then Ease tried it. When the bots converged, he lifted the board and batted them out of the way. Soon they gave up pestering him.

Mitch tried it, with similar success, though they did tug at his long hair. Then Tiara, who swatted them away as they poked her too personally. But she was unhurt.

“We can do it,” Mitch concluded. “We don’t have to stay within the firewall. That’s a relief.”

“That’s a relief,” Astrid agreed. “Still, we probably should work in pairs, in case of the unexpected.”

“I do not require a second,” Pewter said. “I will give you some of my cells, so we can remain in constant touch.”

“Cells?” Mitch asked.

“Living folk have tiny cells that make up their bodies,” Pewter explained. “My android body is made up of similarly small inanimate cells. They will serve as cell phones for communication.” He chipped off bits of his artificial hair and passed them out. The others put them in their own hair, where they clung invisibly.

“I don’t see how this works,” Ease said.

“You will when the time comes,” Pewter’s voice in his hair said.

“Oh!” Tiara said. “Talking hair! Like the demoness Metria.”

“Exactly,” they heard Tiara’s hair respond.

“Can we also talk to each other?” Astrid asked.

“Say the name and I will relay your call,” Pewter’s voice told her.

“Tiara,” Astrid said. “Can you hear me?”

“Yes, Astrid,” Tiara responded. “These cell phones are fun.”

“Let’s get to work,” Pewter said impatiently.

“I will work with Tiara, of course,” Mitch said.

Astrid turned to Ease, “Then it seems it will be the two of us together.”

“Yeah,” he agreed, eying her splendidly nude body.

FOCUS ON BUSINESS! Kandy thought to him.

“But I will focus on business,” he concluded.

A faint smile played about Astrid’s lips. “Of course.” She not only agreed, she understood where that thought had come from. Astrid had no designs on Ease, knowing about Kandy, apart from the lethal nature of her closeness. Kandy admired the way she handled his occasionally wandering eyes. At such time as Kandy recovered her natural form she would try to emulate that herself. Being eyed was really not such a bad thing; she had surely over-reacted before.

Meanwhile the myriad little bots hovered nearby, watching them but not trying to interfere. It seemed that the bots simply didn’t know how to mess up living folk in the works.

They took the TOOLS door. It led to a chamber with doors marked SPELLING, OUTLINE, UPDATE, MACROS, CUSTOMIZE, and OPTIONS. The first led to obscure doors that did not seem relevant to anything they needed, so they tried the second. The doors there were numbered, and again seemed irrelevant. The third had several doors whose words were grayed out, and they would not open. The fourth, MACROS, had doors marked RECORD, RUN, and ORGANIZE. The first door opened onto just two doors RECORDING and STOP RECORDING. There was a sort of quivering as if something was happening.

“Recording what?” Ease asked.

“I don’t know, but it seems to be running,” Astrid said. “I think we’d better push the other button.” She did.

The quivering stopped. Suddenly new doors appeared in the wall. The first said MACRO NAME and the second said PLAY.

Astrid shrugged. She opened the first door and said “Whatever.” Then she opened the second, and paused, amazed.

There were images of nude Astrid and clothed Ease, with a small cloud of bots surrounding them. “Recording what?” Ease asked.

“I don’t know, but it seems to be running,” Astrid answered. Then she pushed a button and the scene vanished.

Astrid hastily shut the door. “It recorded
us
!” she said.

“You look great,” Ease agreed.

She did look great, Kandy thought. But she wished that someone other than Ease was looking at her.

“Let’s see what else is here.” Astrid opened the third door, which was labeled MY MACROS. Inside was a chamber with several doors, the first of which was STANDARD. Inside that was one marked MODULE 1. “This isn’t getting us anywhere,” she complained.

They backed off a few doors and tried CUSTOMIZE. That led to a bewildering assortment of doors that left them thoroughly confused. They backed off again and tried OPTIONS. Again there was a huge number of doors, none of them comprehensible.

“Pewter,” Astrid said.

“I hear you,” the machine’s voice responded immediately.

“We’re not getting anywhere. Do you have any suggestions?”

“Yes. Hide.”

“Hide?”

“Big bots are coming.”

“Big bots?”

“Big enough to hurt us. The small ones evidently summoned aid.”

“But there’s no place to hide!”

“Consider it a challenge.”

Now they heard the thudding of heavy robotic feet. The big bots were coming for them, guided by the spying little bots.

Ease got an idea. “That door where we’re recorded—hide behind that.”

“And they’ll think the recording is us,” Astrid agreed.

They hurried back to the MACROS door and opened the PLAY door. That now had a door saying WHATEVER, the name she had given the recording. She opened that and dived though, followed by Ease. They stood behind the door, out of sight.

The recorded scene was playing. It came to the end and started over. “Recording what?” the image Ease asked.

“I don’t know,” the image Astrid replied.

The first big bot burst through the door. It spied Ease and grabbed him. Except that its metal hands passed right through the image.

A second big bot entered. This one grabbed Astrid, with no better success.

Both bots paused uncertainly. But then the hovering mini-bots buzzed. The big bots turned and spied the real Ease and Astrid.

“Oh, bleep!” Ease swore, and lurched to and through the door. But the big bot was too fast for him. It caught him and heaved him up onto its metal shoulder. Meanwhile the second bot caught Astrid and heaved her similarly. Kandy, dangling down the back of the first Bot, saw Astrid’s bare legs and posterior against the back of the bot. It was just as well that Ease was not in a position to see that, because he would have freaked instantly despite the lack of panties.

Where were the bots taking them? Soon they joined two other big bots carrying Mitch and Tiara, and then another carrying Pewter. The five tramped down an obscure hall to a new door. Kandy saw the label XUNIL, then EDK, then CLOSED END. What could those possibly mean? Finally there was a door labeled NET HELL. She saw Pewter tossed through it, then Mitch and Tiara, then Astrid. Finally Ease.

They landed on a slide that descended steeply through dark chambers until finally it dumped them on a pile of sawdust in what seemed to be a dungeon. The five climbed to their feet, dusting themselves off. None were hurt, and there were no bots of any size here. But where were they?

“I believe I recognize this place,” Pewter said. “It is the Discard Dungeon for old discarded software that will never be used again.”

“They wanted to get rid of us,” Mitch said. “So they tossed us on the discard pile. So can we climb out?”

“Doubtful,” Pewter said. “They will have the way guarded. Note how the entry is a one way slide. We will not be able to climb back.”

“Oh?” Ease said. “Let’s see about that.” He went to the chute and tried to walk up it. But his feet slipped and he landed back on the sawdust.

“Magically slippery,” Pewter said. “No access there.”

“But there must be a way out somewhere,” Tiara said. “We just need to find it, as we did before.”

“A sequin,” Astrid said. She remained beautifully bare. There did not seem to be any bots here, but it wasn’t worth risking.

“But have we done or discovered what we were sent here to do?” Mitch asked.

“We have not eliminated the bots or the virus,” Astrid said.

“So we’re not done here,” Mitch concluded. “But even if we find a way back upstairs, it won’t do us much good as long as the big bots are there. We’ll just get thrown away again.”

“So we need to find a way to neutralize them. Then we need to find the Answer we were looking for before.”

“I wonder,” Tiara said.

Sometimes she came up with good ideas. Mitch, aware of that, was careful not to discourage her. “You have a notion?”

“It’s foolish, but--”

“Tell us and let us judge.”

“The doors were generally leading down, as if the important things are kept on the lower levels.”

“Yes. A building rests on its foundations.”

“Now we’re really low. Could what we want be down here?”

“Could it?” Mitch asked Pewter.

The machine considered. “Software is not like hardware. The new generally replaces the old. But conceptually it is based on the old.”

“Isn’t it a concept we want?” Tiara asked. “To learn how to get rid of the virus?”

“This is uncertain.”

“And if the new software is built upon the old, could the new virus derive from an old virus?”

“This is possible.”

“So maybe the secret to stopping the new virus could be found in an old virus?”

“This is possible,” Pewter agreed.

“So maybe we need to find an old virus and take it apart to find its weakness.”

“Which might carry through to the new virus,” Mitch said. “But be so old that it has been long forgotten, like the discarded software. That could be our answer.”

“That could be,” Pewter agreed.

“So how can we find an old virus?”

Pewter considered. “One of the old-timers might know. Someone like CPM or QDOS or Xinu.”

“Who?”

“CPM was an early operating system,” Pewter said. “It was later displaced by QDOS, which stood for Quick and Dirty Operating System. It then evolved into MSDOS, and thence to MACROHARD DOORS. An early and continuing rival was Peach. Meanwhile there was Xinu, the best of them all, but it was held captive and wasn’t allowed to compete. So finally they made a reverse-engineered copy called Xunil. Now there is also Automaton for hand-held units. It’s a long history.”