Board Stiff (Xanth) (31 page)

“I saw a door labeled XUNIL,” Mitch said.

“Yes, it is now a leading operating system, and fundamental in the larger system.”

“Captain M, Ms. Dos, Peach, Xinu, and Tomato,” Tiara said. “Got it. So are they down here?”

“Tomato?”

“Automaton is too complicated for me to remember, so I’m cutting off the ends. That leaves Tomato.”

Pewter didn’t argue further with her terminology. “They may be down here, yes.”

“So let’s go find them.”

Pewter looked somewhat helplessly at the others. He clearly was not used to dealing with female logic.

“Have we anything better to do at the moment?” Astrid asked.

That decided it. They set out to find Captain M, Ms. Dos, Xinu, or Tomato.

The dungeon was a desolate place, with piles of refuse scattered around. Their substance seemed mainly to be 0’s and 1’s. Kandy could not begin to guess how such repeated numbers could relate to sophisticated programs.

In the dreary distance they spied a squat roughly cubic building. It had no windows, just a big M painted on the side. “That would be Captain M’s residence,” Pewter said. “He has fifteen floors plus a basement for the heavy machinery. Once you are inside, you simply call out a number to move instantly to that floor, where there will be a complete array of the files you normally use. Each floor can be different, so that many folk can be in that building without interfering with each other.”

“That seems comfortable,” Mitch said. “Why didn’t it last?”

“The Captain is old and crusty. When someone wanted a new array of programs from him, he ignored them. So they went to Ms. Dos instead. That doomed him.”

“Too bad,” Mitch said.

“It looks dusty,” Tiara said, wrinkling her nose.

“Everything here is dusty,” Astrid said. “Because this is the Discard Dungeon where nobody who is anybody comes. But we don’t have to go to that ugly building.”

“Look! A garden!” Tiara exclaimed.

There was a section of the plain that had not been trashed. A path wound through a pleasant culture of grass, flowers, and shrubs.

“That would be one of Ms. Dos’ paths,” Pewter said. “She likes to have scenes for her paths to tour.”

Then they heard a scrabbling sound. “That sounds like insects,” Tiara said nervously.

“Those would be Bugs,” Pewter agreed. “They get into programs and mess them up.”

Now they saw the Bugs. Most were small, but some were medium and a few were large. They were black papery things, running on the ground and buzzing their wings. They were orienting on the group of people.

“I don’t want them near me,” Tiara said.

“There’s no avoiding them,” Pewter said. “They can pop up anywhere.”

“Unless we hide in the Captain’s building,” Mitch said.

They hurried to the building and knocked on its main door. It opened, and a gruff old sailor stood there. “Who are you?” he demanded, seeming unpleased by the intrusion.

“Hello, CPM,” Pewter said. “May I call you Captain? We are refugees from the Bugs.”

“What do I care about that? I keep them out of my domain.”

VAMP HIM Kandy thought to Astrid.

Astrid, still nude, presented a marvelous smile. “We’d really like to see your building, Captain. We have heard so much about it.” She took an amazing breath. “Please.”

“Then come in before the Bugs do,” the Captain said, mollified. Like Pewter he did not freak out, but it would have required eyeballs of ice and a heart of glaciated stone to resist Astrid’s charm.

Soon they were inside, where it was nice enough. “We should explain that we’re actually from the software future,” Mitch said. “Bots tossed us here, and we want to escape.”

“I can’t help you. I have been confined here for generations.”

“In the future,” Pewter said, “Bots and viruses galore are wreaking havoc. I must maintain a constant firewall to keep them from getting me. We are searching for some way to abolish them.”

“I wouldn’t know about that,” the Captain said. “They aren’t part of the good old way.”

Kandy was able to see why the Captain hadn’t gotten anywhere. He lacked ambition.

“Would Ms. Dos possibly know a way?” Mitch asked.

“I want nothing to do with that harridan! She stole my business.”

“Fortunately she was replaced, and no longer holds sway,” Mitch said. “She might like to restore the old way too.”

“That so? Maybe she’s not so bad.” The Captain took a deep breath. “I’ll tell you the only way I know to fix things when everything is hopelessly messed up: hit the reset button.”

Pewter nodded. “That might do it. Where is it?”

“I have no idea. Ms. Dos might know. Follow her paths and you might find her. Tell her to pay me a call someday.”

“We certainly will,” Astrid said earnestly. Kandy realized that the basilisk liked using the power of her appearance in a good cause. It was a new kind of magic to her.

“But the Bugs are out there,” Tiara said.

“The paths are enchanted to keep the Bugs off. You’ll be safe as long as you stay on them.”

“Ah. Thank you, Captain,” Mitch said.

“Thank you so very much,” Astrid echoed, favoring the Captain with another phenomenal bare-bodied smile. “You have been most helpful.”

“Just so,” he agreed gruffly.

They exited and hurried to the nearest path before the Bugs could catch them. “That was remarkable,” Mitch told Astrid.

“My pleasure.”

“If only there were a way to nullify your ambiance.”

“But then I would not be me.”

There was the problem. A basilisk without deadliness would not be a basilisk.

They walked the path through the garden. The Bugs paced them but could not approach them. That was just as well, because they looked hungry and some of them were big enough to bite off a leg or two.

Then a monstrous bat flew down to land on the path before them. A frowzy middle-aged woman sat on its back. “What are you doing on my path?” she demanded.

“My turn,” Mitch muttered. Then he put on an enormous smile. “Ms. Dos, I presume? You are looking wonderful today. Captain M sends his regards and hopes you will call on him.”

“That old lecher? I wouldn’t go near him or his dusky old house.”

This wasn’t working. “That’s a marvelously trained bat,” Astrid said.

“This is Auto Exec Bat,” Ms. Dos said proudly. “I programmed him myself. He takes me anywhere in a flash.”

Astrid favored the Bat with another beguiling smile, one animal to another. “And maybe you even know where the Reset Button is.”

“Don’t mess with that button!” Ms. Dos snapped. “It’s dangerous.”

“We are from a kind of future,” Mitch said. “Where bots and viruses wreak havoc. We desperately need to abolish them.”

“Ah. Resetting would do it. It would also wipe out any recent special projects. You would have some rebuilding to do.”

“But perhaps it would be worth it,” Mitch said.

“You say M wants me to call on him?”

“He is desperate for your company,” Mitch said. “He is extremely lonely and surely most apologetic for whatever wrongs he may have done you in the past.”

“It does get dull here. Very well, follow Exec. He will lead you to the Button.” Ms. Dos dismounted from the Bat and walked toward the M building.

They didn’t argue. The Bat took off and flew in a straight line. Unfortunately that cut across the Paths. That meant they would have to plow through the Bugs.

“I don’t think my glare will work here,” Astrid said.

“But my board will,” Ease said. He led the way, bashing Bugs with enthusiasm. Kandy cooperated, glad to enhance the blows. The others followed in the path cleared for the moment.

“You did not say anything to Ms. Dos,” Mitch said to Pewter. “Was there a reason?”

“Yes. She might be considered my grandmother. She would not have taken anything I said seriously.”

The Bat hovered over what looked like an ancient outhouse. “There?” Tiara asked with dismay.

“No wonder it hasn’t been found before,” Mitch said.

But it was guarded by several huge bugs with horny carapaces and giant pincers. Ease raised the board. The biggest Bug opened its mouth to reveal monstrous teeth. It was ready to chew the board to bits. That made Kandy nervous. “I don’t think we can handle this one,” Ease said.

“I can’t change its mind without letting down the firewall,” Pewter said.

“I’ll try,” Astrid said. She faced the Bug and removed her dark glasses. They exchanged gazes and the Bug didn’t blanch. “It’s not alive,” she said. “So I can’t kill it.”

“I can’t put an idea into a dead thing,” Mitch said.

“Maybe I could float over it,” Tiara said uncertainly.

“You’d have to come down to touch the Button,” Mitch said. “Then they’d get you.”

They stood there. Were they to be balked after all?

A man strode up to them. He wore a colorful costume with a cape. “What seems to be the problem here?” he asked.

This time Pewter spoke. “I recognize you. You are Xinu.”

“Yes. I have a lot of power I am not allowed to use. I see you have a firewall. Who are you?”

“We are a party from the virtual future,” Pewter said. “There is much mischief there from myriad bots and viruses. The only way we can clear them out is to press the Reset Button. But we can’t get to it.”

“My geis prevents me from doing anything heroic,” Xinu said. “But I could clear out local Bugs. Why should I?”

“Because the most significant operating system of our future time is Xunil,” Pewter said. “Who is in a sense your offspring. You will want to help him succeed, rather than leaving the field to the offspring of Ms. Dos. You will not want him to be hampered by rogue bots and viruses.”

Xinu nodded. “You are correct. I am constrained, but my stepson is not. I will help clear the field for him.” He faced the big Bugs, who had remained quite still since his appearance. “Begone!”

The Bugs fled.

“My work here is done,” Xinu said, and faded out.

They went to the outhouse. There inside it was a simple square with a big red button. The Button.

“Who does the honors?” Mitch asked.

“Pewter,” Tiara said. “He cleared the way.”

Pewter went to the Button. He put a hand on it and pressed down. The Button depressed, flashed, and snapped back into place.

They paused, alert for the Happening. But nothing changed.

“It didn’t work,” Tiara said, disappointed.

“Not necessarily,” Pewter said. “Its effect will be in the future software. We must return to the future to verify its action.”

“I suppose,” she said dubiously.

They returned to the chute that had deposited them in the dungeon. It remained as slippery as ever.

“I am familiar with things of the earth,” Astrid said. “I recognize a stickum plant.” She fetched a fruit and broke it open to reveal a gooey interior. Then she smeared the two halves on the slide. Its brightness turned dull. She put a foot on it, and it held. She put the other foot on it and stood without sliding off. She smeared more goo on the slide, stepped up, and spread still more. She was making it navigable.

“Good enough,” Mitch said, eying Astrid’s bent bottom until Tiara kicked his ankle. Then Ease eyed it, until Kandy ordered him off.

Could they really go back to the future this simply? Just by climbing a few stories up a slide? Actually, they could, because they had not really traveled to the past, just to the dungeon of discarded old programs that represented part of the history of the machinery of the OuterNet. Kandy found it interesting.

They followed Astrid up the slide, never slipping. Progress was slow but certain. In due course they reached the door through which they had been thrown. They opened it and got out into the hall.

There were no bots of any size.

“And no viruses!” Pewter said. “My firewall is clear.”

“Better maintain it anyway,” Mitch said. “Just in case.”

They walked back along the hall, and through doors at intervals, until finally they stood where they had first entered the Cloud. Everything seemed to be operating smoothly. There was no evidence of any disruption.

“I think the Reset Button worked after all,” Astrid said, finally putting her underwear and dress back on. Kandy knew that Tiara was as relieved as she was. The men both knew that Astrid’s body was not for them, but their eyes didn’t.

“It restored the system to its defaults,” Pewter agreed. “Eliminating the corruption of the bots and viruses.”

“We have accomplished our mission here,” Mitch agreed. “Shall we move on?”

“Let’s rest first,” Tiara said. The others agreed. They had had a tiring session.

Chapter 13:

Zoo

In the morning, rested, they invoked another sequin. And found themselves in a maze formed of avenues through tall stalks.

There was a crackling noise, and flames flickered near. “Firewall,” Pewter said tersely. “We eliminated the bots and OuterNet viruses, but the pun virus remains. It is of a different type.”

“Too bad,” Mitch said. “So the Quest continues.”

“And if this Event is typical, we’ll soon be in trouble,” Astrid said.

“So we had better get a fair notion of the setting,” Mitch agreed. “Which seems to be one big puzzle.”

“I wonder,” Tiara said. “Could these plants be corn?”

“They do look like corn,” Mitch said. “Why do you ask?”

“Well, when I was in the tower I had a lot of time to read. I read how there’s a type of corn called maize. But there’s also maze, a labyrinth. If this was a field of that kind of corn, could the pun virus have wiped out the pun and left it as a puzzle?”

“A maze made of maize,” Mitch said. “Amazing!”

“So now it’s neither maize nor maze, but just a puzzle made of corn, no pun,” Astrid said. “But that doesn’t explain why we were brought here.”

“Unless the pun virus antidote is here to find,” Pewter said.

“So let’s solve the puzzle,” Ease said, striding forward.

Kandy saw the others circulate a glance of resignation. Ease tended to plunge into things without proper caution. Then they followed.

The passages between the stalks were intricately convoluted, and they were soon lost in their confusing depths and not getting anywhere. “I hate to suggest this,” Astrid said, “but maybe we should split up again, each following a passage, and whoever finds the end can call to the others.”