Board Stiff (Xanth) (33 page)

Before long something came to the access. Kandy could not see it, but heard it. She recognized the sound. A GIANT.

The giant checked the access. There was a loud stiff. The giant smelled Ease! But couldn’t locate him. Soon it went away. They had escaped!

What now? LET’S FIND A SAFE PLACE AND REST, Kandy thought, knowing it was probably safer to remain still than to move around. Moving made noise, and noise could be tracked.

“This is safe enough,” Ease decided, and settled on the ground where he was. “I wish I had my dream girl here with me.”

He wanted the dream girl. How sweet. Kandy was touched. SHE IS ALWAYS NEAR YOU, she projected. SOMEDAY YOU WILL FIND HER.

“Someday I’ll find her,” he said, and drifted off to sleep.

Kandy animated. She made herself comfortable lying beside him. “I like you, Ease,” she told him. “Someday I’ll be with you, and let you do this.” She took his hand and set it on her bottom. “And this.” She kissed him.

In his sleep, he smiled. He was definitely dreaming of her.

But what were they to do now? Ease was out of the zoo, but the invisible giant knew he was near. That meant that the alien proprietors knew too. That was dangerous. Regardless, how was Ease to free the others? The simple plan seemed less feasible now that it was in process.

Ease woke before dawn, hungry. He got up and looked around. “Maybe some corn,” he said. He checked the nearby stalks, and found some ears of ripe corn. They were not shaped like human or animal ears, because they had been de-punned, but they were edible in their fashion. He chewed on them carefully. It wasn’t enough, but it took the edge off.

They watched dawn come to the zoo. The other members of the quest got up in the transparent house as if accustomed to this existence. They were pretending, knowing that Ease was out, giving him time to do whatever he could. The alien proprietors had to know he had escaped, and how; those service accesses would no longer be safe to approach.

A giant came, carrying something. He set it down outside the gate and walked away. Ease peered at it from the cover of the corn stalks.

It was a table set with a sumptuous meal. There was an array of fruits, breads, pastries, main courses, and beverages.

IT’S A TRAP! Kandy thought. DON’T GO THERE!

“It’s a trap,” Ease muttered. “Bleep, I’m still hungry.”

GET AWAY FROM HERE. DON’T LET THEM TEMPT YOU.

Ease reluctantly walked away from the table, his stomach growling. Kandy felt for him. How long would he be able to hold out eating raw corn?

Ease hesitated, turning back toward the table. DON’T DO IT!

He paused in place, warring with what he thought were his own thoughts. He stood in the shadow of the tall stalks, peering out, unable to move until he got his thoughts settled.

Meanwhile Kandy looked around. She saw that beside the big swinging gate was a small shed, the gatehouse, where the mechanism was to crank it open or closed. An invisible giant must have been cranking it when the gate opened before, and when it closed, shutting them into the zoo. The shed was open on the side away from the gate, where the giant could put in a hand to turn the crank. Too bad they hadn’t caught on to that mechanism before it was too late.

There was the sound of tramping giant feet. The table lifted up and floated away, carried by the invisible giant. It tilted slightly and a loaf of fruitcake fell off. It bounced on the ground and lay there as the table retreated into the distance. The giant had not seen it.

Ease launched himself forward before Kandy could stop him. He swept up the cake and ran back to the cover of the corn.

DON’T EAT IT! Kandy warned. IT’LL BE SPIKED. She was sure that the loss of the cake had been no accident. Even if it was, probably all the food was spiked. But again she was too late; Ease was already biting off chunks and gobbling them.

What could she do? There might be only seconds before he lost consciousness. Then they would sniff him out and recapture him. They knew he would not be far away.

Kandy got an inspiration. THE GATE HOUSE! GO THERE!

Ease walked toward the gate house, still cramming in fruitcake. He never questioned the source of the thought, distracted by the joy of the eating. He stumbled as he approached it, caught himself, and stumbled again. The knockout medicine was taking effect.

LIE UNDER THE CRANK HANDLE.

Ease fell, but reached the shed on hands and knees. He crawled under the man-sized handle, and went to sleep, one foot sticking out of the shed.

Kandy assumed her human form. She reached for his leg and pulled it in so that he was curled up entirely within the shed. Then she spread herself on top of him, facing up. There was barely room for her under the handle. The beauty of this was that the group of them including Ease had already been through the gate, so the smell was already here; the giant would not find it remarkable. She waited.

The tramping resumed. The giant was coming back. He knew the cake would be taken and eaten, and that the body would be close by. The corn stalks swished as the invisible hand brushed them aside, but of course there was no human body to be found.

The tramping proceeded across the area as the giant searched, frustrated. He knew the quarry had to be here, but where? Then he came to the shed. He lifted up the roof and peered down.

Oops. They were exposed. It had not occurred to her that the roof would be hinged, though it made sense for servicing. But Kandy was ready. She waved a hand up toward the invisible face. “Hi there, big boy! Can’t a nymph have some privacy when she sleeps?” She moved her hands as if to try to cover her nakedness. She knew she was giving him a nice eyeful, but of course there was nothing he could do with such a tiny girl.

“Sorry,” the giant boomed, and lowered the lid. Soon the tramping departed.

She had done it! She had covered Ease’s body with her own, and fooled the giant, who might have seen Ease beneath her had he not been distracted by her bareness. Men were pretty similar in this respect, whatever their size; she was actually coming to appreciate their wandering eyes. She had, on the spur of the moment, found the perfect hiding place, right where no one would ever suspect: right by the gate itself. The irony was that it never would have worked had Ease been conscious. Or if the giant had been female.

Ease slept for an hour: time enough to be found and captured, had the zoo-keepers’ plan worked. But now she needed to get him out of here, lest the gate be re-checked.

BACK TO THE CORN FOREST, she thought. AND WATCH.

Ease obeyed. Soon he was hiding again at the fringe, watching the gate and its vicinity. Fortunately the solid fruitcake had fed him so that he was no longer hungry. That incident had worked out better than they might have expected.

The giant came again, carrying a cage. He set it down before the gate and departed. A cage? Did they think Ease would get into such an obvious trap?

Then they saw what was inside the cage. It was a live person. A girl. In fact it was Tiara.

Once again Ease was moving before Kandy thought to stop him. He ran to the cage. “Tiara! What are you doing here?”

“Ease!” she exclaimed. “Don’t come close. It’s a trap. The cage is sticky. If you touch it you’ll be caught.”

Ease halted without touching the cage. “But you’re inside it!”

“They put me in as bait.” She blushed. “I think they think I’m your girlfriend.”

“So I’d have to save you,” he agreed. “But Tiara, I don’t want you stuck in there like that. What can I do?”

“Do nothing,” she said. “I’ll be all right. They’ll just put me back in the zoo. They don’t want to hurt me; they just want to recover you. Don’t let them do it.”

“Well, if that’s the way you want it.”

“That’s the way it has to be.” She paused, then added. “And Pewter says maybe if you have time on your hands, you can check the other exhibits to see if they want to be rescued.”

“But the aliens will see me.”

“Pewter says they are keeping things clear until they recapture you. They don’t want you to spook. So the way is clear right now, for a while. Go.”

“I’ll do that,” Ease said, walking away from the cage.

He walked around the zoo to the dragon section. Kandy saw that the alien walk was a channel that was closed off from the regular landscape as well as the zoo exhibits. Maybe the aliens didn’t even breathe local air; it might be pressured with their kind of air. It was really a big tube that Ease could get under in dips in the ground.

Ease came to the fence. “Hey, dragon!” he called to the nearest one. “You want to escape?”

The dragon whirled and shot out a jet of fire. The flame glanced off the fence and dissipated.

“I’ll take that as a no,” Ease said, halfway amused. Some dragons were smart, and some could even talk. These were evidently not that type.

Next was the centaur section. “Do you want to be rescued?” Ease called.

A splendidly endowed lady centaur oriented on him. “If you had asked a week ago, we would have been interested. But now we realize that this is actually a pretty good life. There’s a phenomenal library of books, and the food is good. So thank you for your interest, but no.”

They didn’t want to be rescued? Pewter must have suspected.

Ease walked on around to the goblin section. “Hey, goblins!” he called. “Want to get out?”

“Go poke your finger in your right ear,” the nearest goblin called back. “And pull it out your left ear.”

That was another negative. Ease walked on around to the harpies. “Hey, you’re from the fresh-meat section,” a harpy called. She had messy hair, a dirty torso, and greasy wings: a good specimen of her kind. “Whatcha doing outside, bleep for brains?”

“I guess you’re not interested in getting out,” Ease said.

She answered with a stream of invective that wilted the local shrubbery. That completed her description: a fowl temper.

Ease completed the circuit. The cage remained, but the occupant had been replaced. Now it was Astrid. “Different bait, same trap,” she called. “Don’t fall for it. They figure that if Tiara is not your girlfriend, I must be.”

“I’d like you to be,” Ease admitted. “If only we could stay close.”

“Someday you’ll find your dream girl. Now clear out before the giant returns.”

“But I was out in the open all the time,” Ease said. “No giant came after me.”

“They knew you’d scoot for cover the moment one approached you,” she said. “It’s hard for giants to catch creatures our size if they don’t want to hurt them. They want you in good condition for the alien visitors. So they’re trying gentle methods.”

“And if they don’t catch me today?”

“It may be less nice tomorrow,” she said. “So if you have a rescue plan in mind, best implement it tonight.”

“I’ll try,” Ease said.

She eyed him. “You have no idea what to do.”

“Right,” he agreed ruefully.

“Commune with your inner self. Maybe you’ll come up with something.” This was actually an appeal to Kandy to figure out a plan if she could.

“Maybe,” he agreed without conviction, and walked away.

Before long the giant came to take away the cage. This time he left another cage in its place. This one was of lighter construction, wickerwork, with large holes between the crisscrossing slats. And it held a different girl. This one was nicely clothed, and quite pretty overall.

When the giant left, Ease approached. “Who are you?”

“Hello!” she said cheerily. “I am Timothea, and my talent is conjuring clothing. Any kind.” She eyed his nakedness appraisingly. “Would you like some? I could make you a very nice outfit.”

“I’ve got clothing. Just not here.”

She made a gesture with her hands, and a pair of trousers appeared. “Maybe start with these. Cover up your awkward hardware.”

Ease was tempted, but Kandy nixed it. I DON’T TRUST HER. SHE’S TOO SMOOTH.

“I don’t trust you,” Ease said, echoing the thought.

Timothea’s face clouded up. “You don’t like me!” she sobbed.

Ease took a step toward her, but this time Kandy was ready and stopped him literally in his tracks. TEARS ARE A STANDARD FEMALE PLOY. DON’T FALL FOR IT.

“I—didn’t say that,” Ease said. His feelings were not merely mixed, but homogenized.

The cloud dissipated. “Really? I am reassured. Hold my hand.” She reached out through the cage.

DON’T TOUCH HER!

Ease froze in mid reach. “Sorry,” he muttered.

“Oh, bleep!” she swore, and dissipated into smoke. So did the cage.

She was a demoness! The zookeepers had really pulled out all the stops this time.

Ease retreated to the corn, shaken. He knew he had had a close call. Only his common sense had saved him.

Kandy was annoyed.
His
common sense?

So they had avoided the several traps the keepers had set. But the problem remained: how could they free the others? They now knew that the other exhibits weren’t interested in escaping, which simplified things, but that wasn’t enough. They had to recover their clothing, notably the dress with sequins, and invoke one to enter the next Event. How could they do that from out here?

Then Kandy got an inspiration so bright that it made a bulb flash over Ease’s head. Suddenly she knew how to do it.

WAIT TILL NIGHT, she thought to Ease. REST, SLEEP UNTIL THEN.

Ease, trusting his common sense, settled down in the corn and soon slept. Kandy reviewed her plan, looking for flaws and finding none. It should be feasible.

When night came, Ease returned to the gate, alert for any sound of a giant. There was none. Evidently the giants preferred to work by day.

He went to the gatehouse and took hold of the winch handle. He threw his full weight into it, shoving it slowly around until the gate cranked open by a sliver. Then he squeezed through it, reached back from inside, and shoved the handle back the way it had come. The gate nudged shut again.

The zoo keepers had never thought that anyone would try to break
into
the zoo. They had set no alarm on the gate, and the little bit it had opened had not been enough to attract any attention. They were safely inside.