Boarded by Love (52 page)

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that,” I say, meeting his gaze. “I know I need to let it go and that it is all in the past, but surely you can understand why I do this.”

“No, I’m sorry I can’t. If you needed money, I’d give it to you.”

“But you shouldn’t have to. I don’t take handouts. I work for what I want, and you know that. I’ve been like that since I could work.”

“I get that, Claire, but this is not a career – this is slutty.”

“No,” I say, shaking my head. “It’s beautiful and I love it. I love the beauty of it, the sexy tease of it. I have fun, and Phillip, I’m amazing at it. I choreograph all the dances and I get paid bank. I’m so good that they have investors coming to expand Ms. Prissy’s all over the US. I could get hired to run a whole club. A place where they will do what I say and dance to my choreography. I know you may not see this as a career you want for me, but it is a promising one. I mean, Reese did this for years and didn’t stop until I got the job.”

His eyes widen as he takes a step toward me. “Wait, does she know about this?”

Oh fuck.

Pressing my lips together, I look away, and when I don’t answer, he yells, “She fucking does! Un-fucking-believable! Wait, did she get you the job here?”

“No,” I say quickly. “Prissy approached me on her own.”

“So you two have kept this from me?”

I bite down hard on my lip as I nod. “Yes, but only because I knew you wouldn’t like it.”

“Damn right, I wouldn’t! I don’t want my niece flaunting her ass across a stage for a bunch of horny men!”

“It’s only temporary. I’m quitting as soon as the investors come and go. I want to be strictly backstage ’cause I knew that you wouldn’t like it, and I know Jude won’t either, but I love this. I really do. It’s such a beautiful art, and I swear, Phillip, they all say I’m going to be something big. Don’t you want me to live my dreams?”

“This isn’t what I thought your dreams were. I thought you wanted to dance with famous people or choreograph their dances, not dance with your ass and tits out for a room full of horn dogs to hoot and holler at,” he yells, his face still so red with anger. Even with only the light from the streetlamp, I can see that he’s about to blow a gasket.

“This is my stepping stone. I started as just a dancer, but soon I became a choreographer, and now, I might even run my own club. Everyone has to start somewhere. This was my somewhere. I want the lights of the big stage, I want Vegas or New York, I want something huge and amazing, my name in lights. This is how I’m going to get there. You have to trust me. I know what I’m doing. I’m going to be rich for the rest of my life. You’ll never have to worry about me again.”

He goes quiet for a moment, eyeing me with such disdain in his eyes. Clearing his throat, he asks, “Is that all that matters to you, Claire? Having money? Me not having worry about you?”

I shake my head, confused by his question. “I want the security of it, and I don’t want to be a burden to you anymore.”

Looking away from me, he takes in a deep breath and then sets me with a look that chills me to the soul. “I don’t know how you could ever think you are a burden. Claire, you are the light of my life. I love you, unconditionally, and I’ve tried to make sure that you have everything you need and more. And to be honest, I don’t care what you want to do as long as you’re happy. Do I want you dancing with your tits and ass out? No, I don’t, but if you can honestly look me in the eye and say this is what you want, then by God, I’ll support you. But what bothers me the most about all this is that you not only lied and hid this from me, but all you care about is the money. The security. How about instead of having the security of money, you try having the security of love? Because money will not keep you warm at night.”

“Maybe not, but it will keep a roof over my head and food in my belly, something I went a long time without,” I inform him. “And I know you’ve done everything and more, but I can’t depend on anyone but myself.”

“That’s really lonely,” Phillip says and then a tear rolls slowly down his cheek, leaving me breathless and feeling like I just kicked a hurt dog. “You’ve hurt me, Claire, and I don’t admit that often, but you have. Completely gutted me, and honestly, I don’t know how to look at you right now.”

When a second tear rolls down his face, everything inside me goes cold. I don’t like seeing Phillip cry and the only other time I have is when Reese broke up with him. Knowing that, I realize that I have really hurt him and that wasn’t my intent. I just wanted to be secure.

Biting hard into my lip, I whisper, “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry for something you believe in,” he says as he turns to head to his car. “If this is what you want, don’t be sorry, be proud.”

“I’m sorry I lied and hid this from you, hurt you,” I say and he shrugs.

“Yeah, me too. I thought I had raised you a little better than that,” he says, putting the last nail in my coffin. “And I know that I’ve wished for the kid to get hit by a bus, but save him the pain and tell him the truth if you haven’t. You shouldn’t lie to someone you love, because most of the time, they’ll love you no matter what, as long as you are honest.”

My lip starts to wobble and I swallow my sob before saying, “I love you, Phillip, I do. I just didn’t think you’d support me.”

He nods slowly, running his palm along his face. “Then obviously I did something wrong, and I’m sorry for that.”

Dropping my bag, I rush to him, stopping him before he gets in the car. “You did nothing wrong, Phillip. I was scared and couldn’t figure out how to tell you.”

Looking down at me, his blue eyes swimming with tears, he says, “You just open your mouth and tell me. I’ll love you unconditionally. I loved you when you were an inch away from being your mom, and I love you now. What made you think I wouldn’t love you now?”

That did it. My tears fall in torrents as I gasp for breath and he says, “Now, I have to go. Be careful going home.”

I can’t talk. I just stand there, holding my stomach as it turns with nausea. I watch as he drives off and then realize that it’s not safe for me to be out here on my own. Forcing myself to move, I grab my bag, and once I’m in the safe cocoon of my car, I cry so fucking hard that my body shakes. I never meant to hurt anyone.

I just wanted to be safe.

Secure.

But right now, I don’t feel either of those things.

I just feel empty.

It’s been five days since I heard from Phillip.

Reese called and told me that everything would be okay, but Phillip isn’t talking to her either. He’s furious with us both, and while I understand, I just want to hear his voice and know that he stills loves me. I’ve been a mess. My heart is hurting, and I don’t know what to do to fix it. To top it off, Jude is acting weird. Or maybe I’m acting weird, I don’t know. I just know that for the last five days I’ve felt completely alone.

Jude’s been gone for an away game, so he hasn’t been here to comfort me, not that I can tell him what is wrong anyway. Also, his texts have been very short. Like he’s too busy to answer me or talk, and I know that he is, but still, I’m just in a shitty place. I probably need to be locked away until Phillip decides to talk to me and tell me that he still loves me even though I am a lying jerk.

Ugh. This sucks.

I’ve been lying in my bed all day. I skipped my classes, not in the mood to deal with them or anyone, for that matter. I know Jude’s working out, or training, or practicing, I don’t know, something hockey, but I reach for my phone and text him anyway. I need him to tell me he loves me. I need to know that someone cares about me.

Me: I miss u.

Hey Jude: Miss u 2.

Me: That’s it?

Hey Jude: Huh? What do u mean?

Me: I mean u can’t say something more?

Hey Jude: What do u want me to say?

Me: I don’t fucking know, don’t worry about it.

Throwing my phone across the room, it ricochets with a thunk against the wall before landing on the floor. While it felt good to do that, I’m extremely glad that I have an Otterbox. Lying back, I close my eyes and let out a long breath. I can hear my phone go off with a text, and I know that Jude is probably confused and pissed, but I can’t bring myself to get up and fix that. He’s obviously too busy to worry about me.

Ugh, I’m being such a bitch.

Sitting up, I go get my phone and click it to see the text from him.

Hey Jude: Are you on your period? Do you need chocolate or something?

Oh no, he didn’t.

Me: Where are you?

Hey Jude: At the house, why? I can run out for you.

Me: No need.

Tucking my phone in my pocket, I leave my dorm and head to my car. I know I need to stay home in my dorm and not go anywhere, but I’m looking for a fight. I need to feel something other than just fucking empty. Driving over to his house, I park beside Jayden’s car and then slam my door as I stomp toward the front door. Before I can reach it though, the door opens and Jayden comes out with Jude behind him.

“My fucking period?! Seriously?” I yell, and Jayden’s eyes widen before he steps to the side.

“She has to be talking to you,” he says, and Jude’s brows come together when he sees me.

“I was about to go out for you. Are you okay?”

“No!” I yell. “I’ve been texting you all day, and lately you’ve been distant, only one-word answers or ‘You too’! What happened to telling me I was the moon and stars and all that cheesy shit that made me smile?”

Crossing his arms, he looks at me confused as he says, “Claire, I’m stupid busy right now. You know that. I’m bulking up, working hard on and off the ice. You’re working just as hard as I am, but do I get mad when you don’t answer my texts right away? No, I don’t ’cause I understand.”

“Whatever. Why don’t you just admit you’re getting tired of me?” I yell, and I wish I would just shut the fuck up and go home. I’m being a needy little brat and I know this, but I just need to feel loved.

“Oh shit,” Jayden mutters and he turns, heading inside. “You’re on your own, buddy.”

Jude ignores him, his eyes locked on me as he takes a step toward me. He doesn’t say anything for a long time; my breathing is labored, and my heart feels as if it is constricted in my chest. I’m fighting back the tears. I don’t want to seem weak, needy, but I am just that. I’m basically screaming for attention right now because I fucked up and my uncle hates me. And here I go doing it again. I know Phillip doesn’t hate me.

Looking away, I let out a breath, sucking one in as my eyes cloud with tears.

“Claire,” he demands, and I look back up, meeting his heated gaze. “Fucking stop it right now and tell me what is really going on. This is all bullshit and you know it. Stop trying to pick a fight with me, and tell me what the hell is wrong.”

I lose it. Tears fall in buckets and I sputter for breath, but within seconds, Jude has me in his arms, hugging me and holding me so close that I feel safe and secure, not completely empty. Kissing my jaw, he whispers, “Tell me what’s wrong. What do I need to do to fix it?”

I shake my head, nuzzling my nose in his neck. “I just need you to hold me.”

“I can do that,” he promises, and he does just that. He holds me until my tears dry, until I’m able to breathe normally and I can look him in the eye. “What’s wrong, baby?”

“I had a fight with Phillip and he hasn’t spoken to me in five days,” I say, not meeting his gaze.

“About what?”

I shake my head, shrugging my shoulders. This is when I need to tell him. I need to be honest because I don’t want to hurt him the way I hurt Phillip. But how can I tell him with the way Phillip reacted? Phillip loves me and I know that soon he’ll forgive me, but I don’t know if Jude will. He’ll be mad, he’ll break up with me, and that will be it. I can’t lose him.

But I can’t lie anymore.

“He found out I work for Ms. Prissy and didn’t like it one bit. Said that he didn’t want me working in that environment.”

Cupping my face, he says, “I mean, it isn’t the ideal place, but you are living your dreams. You’re choreographing numbers to be performed and getting paid good money. He’ll come around, baby, don’t worry.”

“He’s so mad at me.”

“He’ll come around; he loves you. He’ll realize how important this is when you land that huge job, hopefully wherever I am, and he will be so proud. And then you guys will laugh about this fight. Don’t worry.”

“I just don’t know,” I whisper, and I feel like the grip on my heart just got a little tighter. Looking up into his loving, supporting eyes, I bite the inside of my cheek as the tears well up in my eyes, threatening to fall at any second.

The words are there.

Just tell him. Tell him. Don’t hurt him too.

But won’t I hurt him? I’ve already lied, I’ve already hidden stuff from him, so no matter what I do, I am going to hurt him. I can be a coward and wait and pray he never finds out, or I can have the balls to tell him.

Stroking his thumb along my jaw, he kisses the side of my mouth. “I know you’re upset, and I know that you feel like this won’t work out, but come on, you know it will. How could anyone be that mad at someone like you? You are smart and amazing, Claire. He would be crazy not support you and love you.”