Body Language: 101

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Introduction – Why Should You Read This Book?

Body language is one of the most fascinating subjects in the world. To be able to read what a person wants, thinks and/ or plans to do without exchanging a word is exciting. This book will take you through the basics of body language. You will learn in this book where and how to look to be able to identify whether you have hooked a person or not.

Contrary to common belief, reading body language is easy enough. We already know the language. We do it all the time. How many times you have met a person and felt that you need to raise your guard against the person? How many times have you instantly liked someone and got together like a house on fire. These would be the result of the innate ability we all have to read body language.

So, why should we read any further if we know it already? It is important to identify the signs and know how these conclusions are drawn so you can protect yourself from harm and heartbreak. It is also important that you know what you highlight and what to downplay in your own demeanor to ensure that you do not attract the wrong kind of attention and/ or response.

Though it is easy to recognize the various body language signs that indicate love, hostility, subservience, challenge, disagreement, agreement, etc. it is not easy to accurately interpret these signs without experience. Inexperienced persons often make the mistake of judging the thoughts and/ or plans of a person judging by one or two major indicators.

However, this would ensure wrong interpretation because body language – as the name indicates – needs to be taken in full context. Unless you read the signs transmitted by the whole body plus the tone and decibel level of the voice, you cannot really read correctly.

The good news is that it is possible to gather information in one quick scan and this book will help you do just that. This book attempts to bring to you the key factors that go into the reading of body language. Be patient. Do not attempt doing too much too soon or you will end up frustrated. As long as you are willing to take one step at a time, rest assured that you will become an expert at reading body language in no time.

Use this as a tool to improve your relationships at home, at work and in general with your friends. This is also a very potent device to build your career. You could upgrade your knowledge and expertise with practice and very soon you will be able to read your boss, your interviewer, your date and so on. This is a tool, which indeed will give you the ability to read a person like a book.

On the other hand, you will know what needs to be done to hide your fear, insecurity, doubts when you are faced with any type of problem. You will also learn how to project confidence using body language, how to be happy and how to use body language to your advantage.

Happy reading!

Chapter 1: What Is Body Language?

Body language is the language you speak without words. When you say, “communication” you often think of “words”, “speeches”, and “presentations”. However, communication is much more than words. You can communicate exceptionally accurately without saying one word just with your body. Every part of your body can speak as eloquently as words; perhaps, even better than words.

The way you stand, the way you hold your head, the way you position your palms, hands, arms, legs – everything says something. Sometimes, you can pick up the unsaid message in an instant – like when someone is aggressive – and sometimes it takes a little time.

There are many theories about how much communication we actually do through body language. One that you will find quoted most often is the Mehrabian theory – by Dr Albert Mehrabian - which states that about 7 percent of communication is done through words, 38 percent is through the tone of our voice and a whopping 55 percent though body language. In other words, the non-verbal communication amounts to an astounding 93 percent.

Why is Body Language Important?

You would say something that amount to 93 percent is significant. This number itself – even if many say it approximate – is hugely impressive. This indicates how important it is to learn to read body language – because the actual message comes from there. It is indeed very important to know what the other person really wants to convey. This type of information would make your life quite easy.

Most people are able to “pick up the signals” even if they do not actually know how to read body language. For example, you enter a room and you “know” whether they were talking something friendly or arguing about something. The body language of the people in the room will “tell” you the mood instantly, though if you were asked why you deduced that you wouldn’t be able to explain.

Learning to accurately read body language is a skill like any other. We all love Sherlock Holmes and his amazing observation skills. Detectives, FBI agents, people working in intelligence and espionage, professional gamblers, magicians, and the like, are trained in the art of reading body language. They use this skill to fool you into believing that they are what-they-are-not.

There are many signals that your body will send involuntarily. For example, you’ll grimace at the sight of vomit or feces; you may smile at the picture of a kitten playing or flowers blooming. Knowing what these signals are would help you control communication so you could “transmit” the message you want transmitted.

Knowing to read body language would help you:

- establish leadership and maintain it in spite of competition;

- establish a friendly and conducive environment formally and informally wherever you go;

- amplify and optimize your persuasion powers and thereby being able to get people to do what you want them to do;

- win people’s trust;

- ensure that you choose friends, colleagues, employees, etc. better.

These are only a handful benefits you may gain from learning to read body language. The best is that you would be able to stay in control of most situations because you would know not only to read other people’s signals but also know what signals you should send when and where. Sounds like a foolproof recipe for success!

Reading Body Language Is All In Context

You already know to ready body language, even if you may not know that you know. Some examples:

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you know when your boss walks in a foul mood even before he says one word;

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you know your spouse is worried about something even if he/ she acts like nothing happened;

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you know your child is hiding something without any real reason whatsoever;

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you know when your lover is cheating without a shred of proof;

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you know that someone is going to give you good news or bad news before they even opened their mouth;

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you know that someone is ripe for a fight even if that person never addressed you in any manner;

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you know that someone dislikes you without them saying it words; and so on.

This “you know” is you reading body language involuntarily. Autistic people cannot read body language; they only understand and process words – hence, it is easy to “cheat” them because they process only what is communicated through words.

Most people know to read what others convey through their body language. However, that will not help you too much. Only when you learn to identify the finer signals conveyed and interpret it voluntarily you would be able to benefit fully from this knowledge. This is because when you reach that level, you no longer wonder or doubt what you see; you know for sure and that knowledge would put you in an advantageous position. It’s almost like you are able to read that person’s mind.

Personal Telltale Body Language Signals

You would find it easy to “understand” people whom you see often – your family, colleagues, friends, etc. Every person has a telltale signal for happiness, arousal, anger, irritation, telling lies and so on. For example, you will know that:

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when your boss starts drumming his fingers on the table, he is about to burst into a stream of abuse;

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when your spouse touches her lower lip she is sexually excited;

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when your spouse answers you while avoiding to look at you, she is mighty annoyed about what you’re saying or doing; and so on.

Baselining: How Do You Do It

Over time, it will become easy for you to read the non-verbal signals from the people you know. How do you read other people; people whom you have never met in your life? In math, when you need to add two fractions with different denominators, you first get both fractions to a common denominator. Similarly, before you even attempt reading the person/ persons, you need to baseline them first; get them to a common denominator, a base.

This would mean that you should be able to take about 3-5 minutes to watch the person/ persons to observe how they behave normally. The factors that will help you “read” the person correctly are, among others:

- the overall posture – is the person slouching or standing straight with shoulders squared?

- the sitting style – are the legs crossed or are the feet kept grounded on the floor?

- the style of crossing – if the legs are crossed, are they crossed to form the figure four (one leg high on the thigh of the other), crossed at the ankle or crossed at the knee?

- the standing style – is the person standing with feet together or wide apart?

- the gesticulating style – are hand gestures moving outside the body’s frame or are the gestures contained within a small circle? Are the gestures vivid and animated? Are they refined or blatant?

- the tone of the voice soft and subdued, or in tune with the general voice of the room?

- is the person speaking fast or the words come with a measured pace?

- is the person listening more or speaking more?

- does the person make full eye contact, or keeps eyes averted or down?

Also watch how the person manages his vulnerable areas, i.e. the neck area, the belly button area and the groin area. If the hands are hovering around, the person is at the least uncomfortable and at the most fearful, anxious. If the person keeps these areas exposed and open, the message is that he is self-assured and confident.

You will know the person is open to the idea/ people/ place if:

- he allows the vulnerable areas of his body to be exposed and open;

- he stands with feed wide apart taking more space than needed;

- he keeps his hands on the hip or at the sides open and loose;

- he sits crossing his legs to form figure-4.

You will know he is more likely to be non-responsive, hostile or not interested if:

- hands are hovering to cover the vulnerable areas;

- the arms are folded across the chest;

- legs are tightly crossed like intertwined;

- stands with legs touching or very close together;

- one arm catching the other, which is at the side of the body.

Once you baseline a person, you would be able to read his body language better, because it would be in context. The change in body language would the non-verbal response to your communication. Non-verbal communication would help decipher what the other person actually wants. What are the signals saying?

Notice the changes
.

- Is the person the same while talking with you then when they were moving alone (unwatched)?

- Is he smiling less or more? Is the smile genuine or fake?

- Are the hands fidgety? Did they disappear into the pockets? Do they make choppy gestures?

- Are they comfortable standing close or do they move away?

- Do the shoulders come down or square up or are they rigid?

- Does the voice become louder or softer?

- Is the tone friendly, cold, threatening, inviting?

Check how the verbal and non-verbal signals match to one another
.

- Repeats what the words say. For example, the sentence, “I’m hungry” would be accompanied by the hand moving to the stomach patting it. This means the person is telling the truth.

- Contradicts what the words are saying. For example, saying “I love you” while the eyes check out all other women in the room.

- Substitutes non-verbal signs for words. For example, eyes bored or filled with disgust say much more than words can say.

- Complement the words. For example, the boss praising an employee while landing a pat on the back.

- Accenting the words. For example, saying loudly, “I disagree” and at the same time banging your fist on the table in front of you.

It is very hard to fake non-verbal language. Your body automatically reacts to the thoughts that go through your mind and that reaction is not involuntary, but also very primitive. It most often defies control. When you attempt to control it, you actually come out as fake.

Know what signs to look for to achieve your own goal
.

- Want to know whether the person is listening to you with interest? The signs that will confirm this is direct eye contact, body leaning towards you, body’s position is open and the arms and legs are relaxed.

- Want to know if someone is attracted to you? Watch for prolonger eye contact, warm smile, closer to you standing, slight but warm and inviting touch, head and body leaning towards you.

- Want to know whether the person is lying or telling the truth? Look to signs such as fidgety hands, touching face (nose and mouth area), darting eye contact, increasing blinking or unblinking look.

Common Idioms on Body Language Translated

The meaning of body language is more common than you would think. Many expressions and idioms we use in our day-to-day dialogues have deeper meanings that refer to body language. Here are a few examples:

Look into my eyes and say, “This is not true”

This is based on the fact that a person who is telling lies would not be able to look a person in the eye. Hence, when you tell someone, “Look into my eyes and say it”, you are referring to this premise.

However, as you would see in the chapters that follow, this premise is not always true – especially when observed in isolation. To be sure that the person who is not “looking into your eyes” is not lying you need to look at in context. Sometimes, looking here and there is not because the person wants to avoid your gaze, but because they are thinking or analyzing information.

Read my lips

You speak words with your lips. This is obvious and true. However, your lips can speak without uttering a word as well. Curved upwards it indicates happiness, curved down sadness, biting lips nervousness, curl one side snigger, straight line disagreeable and so on. You know when you watch the lips what the person might be thinking – good bad, insolent, challenging, happy, sad, angry, etc.

Hence, “read my lips” actually draws attention to what is not said, i.e. the non-verbal cue. Observing what people do with their lips is a great way to gain insight into what they are thinking and plan to do.

Talk to the hand

There are many gestures that are so eloquent that words could become irrelevant. However, hand gestures unlike general facial gestures can mean different things in different countries. It is therefore very important that you do not use hand gesture in a foreign country unless you are 100 percent sure that you know what it actually means there.

These feet were meant for walking

This looks like a no brainer. Of course, feet are meant for walking. However, feet are eloquent speakers as well. They do indicate a desire “to walk away” – and this in the context would show disinterest, excitement, fear, and so on.

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