Body Language: 101 (3 page)

As you can see,

The complexity of body language can fill volumes. But we are not here to read volumes of academic stuff on what body language indicates.  We can leave that for scientists and academics. What we need to know is how to use it on our day to day lives to improve our relationships at work and at home. In this chapter we will learn how to do just that.

The first and most important thing would be to gauge a person’s degree of openness to you (and your idea). Here are the telltale signs that will give you quite an accurate interpretation of body language.

-
They raise their eyebrows often
. This is because an open person would look for answers when something new is presented and when you look for answers you raise your eyebrows often. The forehead of an open person will often have horizontal wrinkles (fine lines) because of this habit.

On the other hand, if the forehead is smooth – it could be because of botox; or it could be that this person is closed to new ideas.

-
They open their eyes wide
. Wide or narrow is a relative term. To know it, you need to baseline the person (as described in earlier chapter) and then observe whether he opens his eyes a little wider.

The closed person on the other hand, would narrow his eyes with suspicion. If the eye becomes smaller and the head tilts towards right, the person does not really believe or wants to believe what you are saying.

-
The nostrils flare
. Flared nostrils might not be too easy to identify, but it is a very important body language sign that indicates attraction – usually with a sexual connotation. This is because the person might find the smell of the person arousing and hence, they make an effort to inhale more of the scent they find exciting. This action is quite a primal one that is conveyed subconsciously.

On the other hand, the person might be repelled by the smell and in such a case you would have a wrinkled nose as a sign. For people who are very subtle, you would observe the hand going to the nose a number of times for scratching, pinching, touching – trying to avoid the annoying and repelling smell.

-
The mouth is smiling
. There is no better encouraging sign than the smile of the person. Sometimes, the smile is nothing more than a little upward curve at the corners of the mouth.  Of course, the smile should be genuine and travelling to the eyes. A stiff smile may indicate just the opposite of openness.

If the smile is hard, it is a warning of rejection. If the smile is false, there is the possibility that the person might want to give the impression of interest, but interest is not there.

-
The body is turned toward you
. When somebody wants to know more, they tune in to what you say. To do so, they tend to turn all their attention to you. This is indicated by the alignment of their body to yours. If the body is turned to yours completely with the head tilted towards you, it means interest.

When the body turns away, from you it means that the person would rather be elsewhere.

-
Arms will be away from the body
. This shows trust and openness. Covering the body with your arms indicates mistrust, doubt and possibly a “not interested” message.

-
Gestures would be encouraging
and non-threatening
. Hands would go to the chin or toward the person in an attempt to encourage dialogue.

Gestures can be thousands; each one indicating something. The closed person normally makes brisk gesture that seem awkward and out of place. On the other hand an open person would have fluid and non-threatening hand gestures.

-
Legs will be uncrossed and comfortable
. Tightly crossed legs are often an indication of non-interest. If they are crossed comfortably, it says the opposite.

-
Feet are turned inwards or away
. If the feet are turned away from the direction the torso is, it might be an indication that the person would rather go away. If however, the feet are aligned with the rest of the body and faces square on the other person, it would indicate an open mind.

Are they telling the truth or are they lying? This is a question that we often have flashing in our mind when talking with someone – new or known. How do we tell? There are many tiny signals that will answer this question.

-
Is the whole body in sync or not
? When people are lying some parts of their body will betray the fact, even when they would try their best to mask it. In most cases, the telltale sign would be to throw the big picture off sync. Check it out. For example, they might smile, but the smile does not reach the eyes, which remain calculative and cold. Or the eyes are centered on you trying to indicate interest, while the hands are fidgety and restless.

Normally, the body language of the person who is not telling the truth is awkward. It is like there is something that you cannot just lie your finger on, but you’re sure it’s there. This is why it is very important that you should look at the whole picture than any one part of the body in particular.

-
Check the head for telltale signs
. This is often one of those signs that come involuntary and are difficult to control. An insincere person would tilt their head away from the target. This is because in spite of themselves, the insincere person’s body reacts to what the mind tells it – not interested/ not sincere ergo lying.

-
Voice variations
. This would be more visible after baselining the person. However, with experience you would be able to discern the variations quite easily. Sometimes, the person would slow down in an unconscious move to make the words more powerful. Others would find lying so uncomfortable that they would fast-forward through it – and hence, the voice would be a little higher pitched and words come out a little rushed.

In an argument, at a presentation, or even in a friendly group it is always good to know who is on your side and who isn’t. The first and most basic telltale sign is the mirroring. You will almost immediately spot the couples who are happy and those who are not by this fact. The happy couples will mirror each other’s moves and gestures, while those who have moved apart would not.

Take this simple test – adopt a posture. Watch for those who follow suit. Change ever so slightly and check whether over the next 20-30 second the other person or person also changes to follow suit. If this happens, you have found an ally. This person or groups of persons would be easy to persuade to your line of thought – if that is your aim.

This happens because agreement comes with logic from the brain. Hence, when you agree the signal comes from the brain and the whole body obeys.

There are two major factors that will tell you about power, i.e. height and space. The alpha or the leader, would more often than not be on the highest possible place in the room or area. This is one of the reasons why kings and emperors would have their thrones so tall and magnificent.

There have been some very interesting experiments to test this theory. CEOs or leaders were asked to convene meetings where they would be seated along with their employees at conference tables. They were asked to initially sit tall, but as the meeting progresses to slip almost imperceptibly downwards.  Surprisingly, the others unconsciously responded by moving downwards to maintain the status quo and keep the CEO/ leader in a higher place than they were.

Other telltale signs of dominance are:

-
Space grabbing
. The dominant person would take more personal space without asking or giving explanations. You will see the dominant person almost instantly. This would be the person who sits in a sprawled manner with both legs and hands occupying much more space than necessary.

On the other hand, the subservient person would take as little as possible and he will always be found in the most unobtrusive place – like the corners or on the sidelines.

-
Eye contact is dominant
. Dominant people would literally stare you down or totally look through you. Either way they indicate that they are in charge.

The subservient person would often talk with lowered eyes and head bowed. If they make eye contact, it would be for the briefest period and then they look away as they are not comfortable with looking anyone in the eye, lest the other would interpret it as challenging.

-
Hands position
. The dominant person would have powerful hand gestures that are domineering and often intimidating without being threatening. Just try this out and see the reaction of the people around you. Put your hands behind your head while leaning back in your seat.  You will observe an almost instant deference to you.

The hands of the subservient person would be trying to cover and protect their vulnerable areas – neck, abdomen and groin. Hands would be one upon the other, holding tight trying to give strength to the body and mind.

-
Legs position
. Legs would be sprawled wherever they seat. If they stand they would be apart slightly wider than the shoulders. The legs would try to grab as much space as possible.

The subservient person on the other hand, would try to fit in wherever they find themselves. Far from occupying extra space, they would actually try fitting in smaller places than necessary in an attempt to look invisible.

-
Voice tone
– dominant people are not loud; they are grave. Very often they speak slow and use a deep resonant voice to control you; to get you in the pace they want.

Subservient people, on the other hand would try to blend in and use a voice that matched the general tone of the room. If face to face with a dominating personality, they would speak less and in a calming and soothing voice.

-
Body is squared and large
. The dominant person would carry themselves tall, with squared-up shoulders, chest out, head tilted a little back and chin jutting forward and walk with a gait as if their feet are heavy. These signs transmit one thing – “I am larger than life – and you will obey me.”

How to read whether people are the committed type or indifferent types? Committed people are often subservient. They are sincere and eager to please. The telltale signs are in the space and body and verbal language alignment. A committed person would move into your personal space because he is open and interested. The eyes are wide and focused on you. There could even be touch – such as repeated handshakes.

The person would more often than not mirror your movements and stance. The body makes a positive statement; you feel drawn (in a non-sexual manner) towards this person. A committed person is almost always open, pleasant and inviting (in a trusting manner).

Now that you have learned such a lot about body language, let us look at a few points that would help you advance in life. Here are few simple yet very powerful tips that would help get ahead of the competition.

Before you enter a room where you want to make the right impact, or before you meet a person you need to impress take a long and deep breath. When you do this, the muscles of your jaw, neck and shoulder would relax giving you a natural posture – instead of a rigid and false one. The natural look would have you received better than an aggressive look that would have been perceived had you walked in with rigid neck and shoulder muscles (rigid because you were anxious).

Human beings are instinctively drawn to movement. When you move, the eyes instantly become focused on you – and with the eyes your brain. Hence, to attract attention and hold it, move while you speak or make a presentation. To ensure maximum attention move for a slight while and stand still and deliver the statement you want.

People read the palms down sign as authority. Hence, when you want people to listen to you and take you as a decisive and no-nonsense person, all you have to do is use gestures that get your palms to rotate downwards. This is especially important if your feel very strongly about anything and want to make a big deal out of it.

At meetings or in discussion groups the person who talks early is remembered as important and assertive. This is because in the beginning most people feel they need time to warm up before giving their opinion and hence, admire those who speak early are looked up as leaders in minor way.

If the person is interested in what you have to say, he would sink back into the chair and assume a relaxed stance, i.e. he is ready to listen to you patiently. If the person is not interested, he would get himself poised to get up and go. If this happens, you should either wrap up what you have to say quickly, or change the topic and see whether you can capture the person’s or the audience’s attention and interest.