Body Language: How to Read Others' Thoughts by Their Gestures (16 page)

Twelve

Territorial and Ownership Gestures

TERRITORIAL GESTURES

People lean against other people or objects to show a territorial claim to that object or person. Leaning can also be used as a method, of dominance or intimidation when the object being leaned on belongs to someone else. For example, if you are going to take a photograph of a friend and his new car, boat, home or other personal belonging, you will inevitably find that he leans against his newly acquired property, putting his foot on it or his arm around it (Figure 130). When he touches the property, it becomes an extension of his body and in this way he shows others that it belongs to him. Young lovers continually hold hands or put their arms around one another in public and social situations to show others the claim that they have on each other. The business executive puts his feet on his desk or desk drawers or leans against his office doorway to show his claim to that office and its furnishings.

However, an easy way to intimidate someone is to lean against, sit upon or use their possessions without their permission. In addition to the obvious abuses of another’s territory or possessions such as sitting at his desk or borrowing his car without asking, there are other very subtle intimidation techniques. One is to lean against the doorway in another’s office or to inadvertently sit in his chair.

As already mentioned, a sales person calling on a customer at his home is well advised to ask him ‘Which seat is yours?’ before he sits down, as sitting in the wrong chair intimidates the customer and puts him offside, which can have a detrimental effect on the chance of a successful sale.

Some people, like the man shown in Figure 131, are habitual doorway leaners and go through life intimidating most people from the first introduction. These people are well advised to practise an erect stance with palms visible to make a favourable impression on others. People form 90 per cent of their opinion about you in the first ninety seconds of meeting you, and you never get a second chance to make a first impression!

OWNERSHIP GESTURES

Management personnel are particularly guilty of continually using the following gestures. It has been noted that employees who have been newly appointed to management positions suddenly begin to use them, despite the fact that they seldom used them prior to their promotion.

It would be normal to assume that the position of the man in Figure 132 reflects an easygoing, relaxed and carefree attitude, because that is in fact what it is. The leg-overchair gesture not only signifies the man’s ownership of that particular chair or space, but also signals that customary etiquettes may be relaxed.

It is common to see two close friends seated like this, laughing and joking with each other, but let’s consider the impact and meaning of this gesture in different circumstances. Take this typical situation: an employee has a personal problem and he goes into the boss’s office to ask his advice on a possible solution. As the employee explains, he leans forward in the chair, his hands on his knees, his face down and looking dejected and his tone of voice lowered. The boss listens intently, sitting motionless, then suddenly leans back in his chair and puts one leg over the arm. In these circumstances the boss’s attitude has changed to lack of concern or indifference because of his carefree gesture. In other words, he has little concern for the employee or his problem and he may even feel that his time is being wasted with the ‘same old story’.

A further question needs to be answered: what is the boss indifferent about? He may have considered the employee’s problem, decided that it’s not really a major one and he may even have become uninterested in or indifferent towards the employee. While he remains in the leg-over-chair position, he will probably have a concerned look on his face throughout the discussion to cover up his lack of interest. He may even terminate the discussion by telling his employee that he need not worry and that the problem will simply go away. When the employee leaves the office, the boss may breathe a sigh of relief and say to himself, ‘Thank heavens he’s gone!’ and take his leg off the chair.

If the boss’s chair has no arms (which is unlikely; this is usually the visitor’s chair) he may be seen with one or both feet on the desk (Figure 133). If his superior enters the office, it is unlikely that the boss would use such an obvious territorial/ownership gesture, but would resort to more subtle versions such as putting his foot on the bottom drawer of his desk, or, if there are no drawers in the desk, placing his foot hard against the leg of the desk to stake his claim to it.

These gestures can be quite annoying if they occur during negotiation, and it is vital that the person should change to a different position because the longer he stays in the leg-over-chair or feet-on-desk position, the longer he will have an indifferent or hostile attitude. An easy way to do this is to hand him something that he cannot reach and ask him to lean across and look at it, or, if you and he have a similar sense of humour, tell him he has a split in his trousers.

Thirteen

Carbon Copies and Mirror Images

The next time you attend a social function or go to a place where people meet and interact, take note of the number of people who have adopted the identical gestures and posture of the person with whom they are talking. This ‘carbon copying’ is a means by which one person tells the other that he is in agreement with his ideas and attitudes. By this method, one is non-verbally saying to the other, ‘As you can see, I think the same as you, so I will copy your posture and gestures.’

This unconscious mimicry is quite interesting to observe. Take for example, the two men standing at the hotel bar in Figure 134. They have mirrored each other’s gestures and it is reasonable to assume that they are discussing a topic upon which they have the same thoughts and feelings. If one man uncrosses his arms and legs or stands on the other foot, the other will follow. If one puts his hand in his pocket, the other will copy and this mimicry will continue for as long as the two men are in agreement. This copying also occurs among good friends or people at the same status level and it is common to see married couples walk, stand, sit and move in identical ways. Scheflen found that people who are strangers studiously avoid holding mutual positions. The significance of carbon copying can be one of the most important non-verbal lessons we can learn, for this is one way that others tell us that they agree with us or like us. It is also a way for us to tell others that we like them, by simply copying their gestures.

If an employer wishes to develop an immediate rapport and create a relaxed atmosphere with an employee, he need only copy the employee’s posture to achieve this end. Similarly, an up-and-coming employee may be seen copying his boss’s gestures in an attempt to show agreement. Using this knowledge, it is possible to influence a face-to-face encounter by copying the positive gestures and postures of the other person. This has the effect of putting the other person in a receptive and relaxed frame of mind, as he can ‘see’ that you understand his point of view (Figure 135).

When I was selling insurance I found this a very effective technique for a ‘cold’ prospective customer. I deliberately copied each movement the prospective customer made until I felt I had established a strong enough rapport to allow the presentation to proceed. Invariably, if the prospect began copying my gestures, a sale would result.

However, before copying the other person’s gestures when negotiating, it is vital that your relationship with that person be taken into consideration. Let’s say, for example, that the junior clerk of a large corporation has asked for a pay rise and is called into the manager’s office. As he walks in, the manager asks him to sit down and then assumes a superiority T-cross gesture (Figure 96) and a figure 4 leg lock (Figure 81) while he leans back in his chair to show the clerk his superior, dominant and competitive attitude. What would happen if the clerk then copied the manager’s dominant posture while discussing his potential salary rise (Figure 136)?

Even if the clerk’s verbal communication were on the subordinate level, the manager would feel intimidated and even insulted by the clerk’s non-verbal behaviour and the clerk’s job could be in jeopardy. This manoeuvre is a highly effective method of disarming ‘superior’ types who try to take the control. Accountants, lawyers and management personnel are known for assuming these postures in the presence of people whom they consider inferior. By taking the same posture, you can effectively disconcert them and force them to change their position, allowing you to take the control.

Research shows that when the leader of a group uses certain gestures and positions, subordinates copy them. Leaders also tend to be the first of a group to walk through a doorway and they like to sit on the end of a couch or bench seat rather than in the centre. When a group of executives walk into a room, the boss usually goes first. When executives are seated in the board room, the boss usually sits at the head of the table, often farthest from the door. If the boss sits with a hands-behind-head T-cross gesture (Figure 96), his subordinates will copy.

People who sell to married couples in their home are well advised to watch the couple’s gestures, to see who initiates the gestures and who follows.

For example, if the husband is doing all the talking and the wife sits there saying nothing, but you notice that the husband copies his wife’s gestures, you will inevitably find that she makes the decisions and writes the cheques, so it is a good idea to direct your presentation to her.