BOMAW Vol. 10-12 (152 page)

Ben stood with his face on fire - staring at his father. Yes, he realized even knowing that Shawn was his biological sire, he still didn't want to give up Jake, or seeing him as his father. After all, needing to know the truth didn't make him love Jake any less, nor could he just stop seeing him as his father; the first man that he knew to be, his father. He stood staring so long at his profile, the back of his eyes felt the prickles of moisture, until he grew angry at him for daring to ignore him. Well, as a McPherson, he learned early on that they took nothing sitting down. He would be damned if he would just accept this cut - from Jake - his father - no way!

Mundo stood holding Isaac, looking down at Angela - they too were aware of the tension around them and why, gesturing with their eyes widened and brows arched high. Mundo shrugged, smiling at her, she shrugged back, following suit, both remaining quiet.

Paul never noticed the awkward silence, his mind was in Chicago - wondering if the current event was good enough reason to call Jackie? No, he wouldn't do that, he would write her about it. That's what he would do, he would begin writing her letters starting today, one entailing what he'd come home to.

The elevator doors opened on the floor of the children's ward with Jake leading the way to his nieces room. Ben caught Crystal's eye - "Take him for me, I'm not gonna let him get away with this." He informed her.

Making a face, not sure if he should, she took Darren into her arms, "Maybe you should wait on that?" She cautioned him softly. She knew full well what he meant, they'd done a lot of talking while in L.A., she pretty much knew just about all concerning him.

"And let this drag out and get worse? No way! Here, now, today!" He finished vehemently. She sighed, looking towards Kevin who was watching them, listening as it were. He moved close into the spot Ben vacated to whisper to her, "Welcome to the family - you'll find - they're all like that."

Crystal wondered what he meant by,
'welcome to the family?'
She knew what he meant by the rest, which would indicate to her, that he, perhaps, was not like the others? She couldn't be sure, but that welcome to the family line nagged at her.

They all entered Sasha's room that she shared with another young girl. She was so happy to see them all, that she was almost crying again. However, not long into the visit, due to hearing about her mother from them, that she was hanging on, she began crying again. She went into explaining to Crystal, Angela, Mundo, Ben what happened. That they'd gone into the store and picked up food for her father, and some things to take with them to her grandparents. "Then, we made a quick stop to get me some sandals - 'cause I wouldn't leave mami alone - I kept begging her to please get them - for me. If - if I hadn't been - been - she - she wouldn't have gotten hit - it's - it's all my f-fault!" She began weeping again, so heart broken and scared, it brought tears to their eyes; she was really frightened and guilt ridden over it.

Everyone spoke at once to allay her feelings of guilt, Jake sat on her bed, hugging her as she softly cried, her voice like a pitiful keening that tore at their hearts. "Darlin', you had nothing to do with what happened to your mother - not one small bit of it - your fault."

"Th-those stupid sh-shoes - th-that's w-why I wanted to g-go with her. Sh-she would be o-okay if I-..."

"No! You listen to what I'm saying to you, no one here, your mother, your father, no one, blames you - know why? Because - you - had nothing to do, with what happened, nothing Sasha."

"I don't want my mami to die, please, don't let my mami die." She began weeping again. Jake grabbed her to him, holding her tightly as Crystal and Angela sat on the other side of the bed, rubbing her back, murmuring softly that they were sure she would make it. Mundo stood back against the wall, he didn't do well under this kind of thing, it hurt him too deeply. He was happy to be holding onto Isaac and Darren, and was tempted to leave the room. Anyone hurting, made his stomach ache and his heart squeeze. Jake and sons, stayed longer than they had intended, each of them taking a turn speaking to Sasha, hugging her, Ben and Mundo included. In the meantime, Shawn phoned down to Ben, asking if he & Mundo would head home with Shanna when she arrived at the hospital & bring back the Navigator and whichever other vehicle they wished to, so he could take the rental back.

He agreed, staying to wait for Shanna, informing Mundo of what they needed to do. He was only too glad to head off with him. As he was informing Mundo, Jake and his brother's stood to leave. "Mundo, I'll be right back." Ben alerted him and followed them from the room.

Jake, was surprised to see him almost diving into the elevator before it closed him out. Paul and Kevin looked at each other, then at Ben and next their father. He inhaled and then exhaled because he knew that he'd come to confront him, as his direct stare supported, next came the words, "We need to talk." Ben didn't waste a moment.

Jake looked away, "Not now."

"Yes, now! There's no reason to wait."

"Considering what's going on, there's good reason to wait. Learn not to be so selfish."

"Oh my, that's famous, coming from you. Either way, we need to talk, I see no reason to wait."

"What's there to talk about? You made your choice, right?"

"No, I made no choices in my life,
you
made choices! I sought the truth. I have a right to know who sired me - and now that I do know, I will not apologize for going where the truth could be found. As a McPherson, we're pretty hard nose about standing up for ourselves, I will do no less in this matter."

"Good for you, you know the truth, happy now?"

"No I'm not happy - because regardless of what the truth is, it doesn't change the way I feel about you. In my heart, in my soul - you sir, you - are still my father! The first man I looked up to with the word in mind to get your attention. All these years later, and after knowing the truth, that has not changed! That I love you - and seeing you stand there now, rejecting me, cutting me - because I sought the truth, has not altered in me, the fact that I love you. Knowing all the times you came when we, your three sons,
three
sons called for you - you came. That cannot be changed, replaced, nor forgotten. What also stands, and will never change, is the fact that if you,
my
father,
dad
- call me - I will come - I will be there for you, just as you've always been there, for me. In my heart, that has not changed. That's all I have to say, the rest - is up to you."

Jake stood quiet, his face on fire, feeling small at that moment, feeling his eyes sting and didn't dare move. Kevin and Paul were likewise. The elevator stopped on the ground floor, the doors opened, Ben's brother's stepped from it, heading towards the hospital exit. Jake found that he was unable to move, standing as he was looking through the elevator doors.

"You better step out - they'll be closing on you soon, heaven forbid you be trapped in here with me."

Jake moved towards the doors just as they began to close, placing his hand between them, they reopened - he stood there, in the middle, straddling the threshold of the elevator as it were, and finally lifted his eyes to gaze at his son, Shawn's son - the son they shared, yet, he could find no words right then.

Ben shook his head saying softly, "You know what dad? I'm trying to understand how you can say, you ever loved me - while punishing me for something I had
nothing
- to do with. I'm human, just like you; which also means, I'm not perfect, sorry about that."

Jake blew out - a lump swelled in his throat. The elevator started giving off a repetitive dinging alarm as if something barring it from closing. It was either step back in with him, and back away from the doors, he backed away. As they closed, Ben looked to the floor away from him. With the doors closed now, Jake still found himself unable to move, hearing the sound of it going back up once more, his son inside. His face burned in shame that he didn't say anything, that he didn't respond. He felt like shit, he felt as if he was turning into his own father, someone without the heart to reach out and say, I'm sorry I hurt you, you are my good son.

"Dad? You coming?" Kevin broke into his thoughts.

Jake turned away from the elevator and strode towards him, and Paul, waiting further ahead by the hospital gift shop, not far from the exit. All three exited together, heading for his truck when Kevin asked, "All forgiven now? Don't drag it out dad, give in already - you know you want to, after all, not right to put your precious Ben through that, you lose your favorite, what then will you do? That would suck, being left with just me and Paul."

That stumbled Jake in his stride.

"Kevin! Lay off man! What the hell!?" Paul lashed out, immediately angry at his words.

"What do you mean, what the hell? Oh I see, you're after the spot for favorite huh? Good luck!"

"You know what, you can be such a fuckin' prick sometimes!" Paul went on.

"Hey, like they say, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, right?"

Jake's eyes jerked his way, making eye contact with his, true, first born son. "Ooops, sorry about that dad, I guess that knocks me out of the race for first place huh? Even though I am your son, your
real
son, your first born, no matter."

Jake couldn't believe the simmering hostility in him.

"Kevin, what's your fuckin' problem? I like how you say all of this now, why didn't say it in front of Ben back there? No, you wait until the cost is clear, when he's not around to talk this shit!"

"Fuck you Paul!" Kevin blasted him.

"No, fuck you! Sick of all this bullshit! At least you've always known who the hell your father is! No one teased you like they did him! In Ben's face, you're on his side, up his ass. Ben's not around, bullshit from you flies!"

Jake and Kevin both stood at the truck, doors open, their mouths open in surprise by Paul's manner, his words. Never had they heard him use so many curse words as he did going off on Kevin, which he'd never done before either. Jake had said nothing the entire time, because he wasn't sure how to fix the mess he'd made of his own sons. He was feeling the pressure of his actions towards Ben, Kevin and Paul. The irony of it was, he was guilty of the exact same crime his father had commented against him, towards them. Yes, he'd been there for them, but not truly, as a father, more like an uncle or older very best friend or mentor. They'd needed him to be their father, instead, he'd let Quincy be that to Ben and Kevin, while Paul had to wait for his mother, or his grandmother and aunt to take him to see him, see his grandfather - to be with them, his half brothers. For years, Jake had seen and known the way Paul looked up at him, with eyes of hero worship, the way a son should, deceiving him into believing he must be doing something right. When in truth, he had to ask him for time with him, to take him places. He remembered back now, them all being at his parents and he'd be showering after work, getting ready to go out, and Paul would be following him around the house, in his room, gazing up at him, eyes huge, hoping that he would take him out with him. Not so much Ben and Kevin, but always Paul. He'd been so wrapped up in himself, in getting away from his dad, out of the house, that he would look for Ben, telling him, "Take care of your little brother, he's bored." He would then, ruffle Ben's head, not Kevin's, not Paul's, and then wink at him on the way out. Ben always took Paul to his side, because in a way, they had more in common - the odd one out.

Jake could see it all now. He remembered it all. Now, years and years later, he looked back and saw their faces,
each
of their faces.

Ben's resigned, accepting.

Kevin's guarded, stand offish.

Paul's hopeful, pleading.

They all stepped into the truck, Jake felt more like shit as the moments passed, especially while having to face, by the looks of things, that his eldest son, the one that was his that is, was turning out to be too much like him, for his liking. And he wasn't sure how to deal with someone like himself. At this point, he wasn't sure saying that he was sorry, would do any good at this juncture, after all, he'd kind of said that to them already. Furthermore, Paul was right, in Ben's face, he was on his side, out of his face, he was pointing it out that he was his favorite. Jake wasn't sure how to sum up the character of someone like that? They were still arguing. "ENOUGH!" He barked, "Okay? Enough... drop it already."

"Can you take me home so I can get my own car?" Kevin asked, clearly upset.

"What? Now?" Jake asked incredulous.

"Yes, now."

"After I've been up all night?"

"So have I!"

"Fuck no! I'm not going anywhere, but to Derrick's to get some sleep! You want to get home to your own car so bad, get on a fuckin' bus!" Jake spat, growing pissed now.

"I see, had I been Ben that asked it, we'd be on our way."

"First of all, Ben wouldn't have asked me any such nonsense so goddamn ridiculous as that, after being up all night!"

Kevin threw his door open and jumped out, slamming it closed behind him.

"FUCKIN' HELL!" Jake exploded.

"Just leave'im dad! Why should you kiss his ass?"