Bonnie Kaye's Straight Talk (22 page)

APRIL 2006

N
EW
G
AY
M
AN
C
LASSIFICATION

For the past 22 years, I have been working with thousands of women who learn that their husbands are gay. Some women are able to accept this and say the word GAY. Others can spend years not accepting it and call it something else—like BISEXUAL. And yet other women can’t accept either one of those names and call it something else—like “Bi-curious.”

Look, if you know me, you know I have a big heart that goes with this still big body! I feel for any woman who has to live with this disaster. But one of the great stumbling blocks that I continue to run smack into is the woman who hasn’t caught her husband in bed with a man yet. And it’s amazing how some women feel that’s what it will take confirm their suspicions. In other words, the gay websites, lack of marital sex, phone calls to gay talk lines, and numerous other signs just don’t do it. You can suspect—but you can’t convict. Yadda, yadda, yadda.

I would say about 50% of the two to three thousand women who write to me yearly start out by telling me they are unsure. Sometimes women want to so not believe this news that nothing short of watching their husband in the act would convince them. Also, I get plenty of flack from gay men who claim that I can only see things in black and white—gay or straight. No in-between.

You see, the problem is I don’t know where those shades of gray belong. I’m confused. I admit it. I’m called narrow minded because I believe for the overwhelming number of men who call themselves bisexual that this is a cop-out because they are emotionally straight but sexually gay. They need the credibility of the straight world to make them feel complete. They marry women because they want to be straight. And yet, they have sex with a man, which to me makes them gay. But these guys are bothered by my lack of sensitivity to the bisexual issue. And to add more injury to the situation, their confused wives believe what they are told—at least in the beginning.

So, to eliminate all of the confusion and hard feelings, I’ve decided to throw away all my previous labels. I’m going to give my ladies and their men a better way to look at things. No woman wants to say that she has a gay husband. So now I’ve come up with my new terminology—STRAIGHT MEN WHO WANT OR HAVE GAY SEX.

I think this will let everyone off the hook and make the situation easier to deal with. This way, when a woman writes to me and says, “I don’t think my husband is gay, do you?” I can respond with, “No, he’s a straight man who wants gay sex.”

This way, people who can’t accept labels will be happy and maybe I’ll be more popular in some of those scary corners that call me narrow minded!

As for me personally, I don’t really need to label anyone. I just don’t want to be with a man who wants a man. I don’t care what anyone calls it. In the end, it’s all the same!

JUNE 2006

As a tribute to Father’s Day, I am dedicating this newsletter to issues that concern our gay husbands/ex-husbands.

S
OME
T
HOUGHTS
A
BOUT
G
AY
H
USBANDS

Although my area of expertise is working with straight wives of gay men, I think I know a lot about the gay husbands of these women. They come in all different varieties from men who are truly struggling with their sexuality to those who aren’t struggling at all but refuse to be honest about it. In the past, I’ve talked about the Limbo Man caught between two worlds, the Straight-Gay Man, stuck in the straight world due to his own cowardice and torturing his wife out of resentment, and the alleged “Bisexual” man who justifies to himself that he is not gay but just enjoys sex with men.

Let me be very clear—the process of coming out to your wife is the most difficult moment in time for any gay married man. There is never a good time or an easy time. There is never a right day or a wrong day. And although some women may not agree with me, it is the most courageous act that a gay husband can do for the woman that he loves.

I say love because I still contend that gay men love their wives to the best of their ability. When they marry us, they truly are hoping against hope that any nagging attractions to men will magically disappear because we, their wives, will love them enough to become Houdini’s and perform feats of the impossible.

Even in this day and age people are still misinformed about homosexuality, it is easy to understand why some gay men would think that. It is still a common misconception that “GAY IS A CHOICE” like choosing between vanilla and chocolate ice cream. “Come and get it—straight or gay.” Well, I refuse to believe that gay is a choice any more than skin color is a choice or eye and hair color is a choice.

Keeping that thought in mind, people can buy blue contact lenses for their brown eyes or use blonde bleach in their black hair, but as you know, they are cosmetic fix-ups. That’s what it is for a gay man who marries a straight woman—a cosmetic fix up. It looks real good to the public including family, friends, and employers, but once the contacts are taken out, or once the hair roots grow in, you still have brown eyes and black hair. A gay man can “cosmetically” fix his life, but inwardly it is what it is—and it ain’t changing.

Too many men languish in “unnatural” relationships with women for years because they don’t know how to do the right thing for a number of reasons.

One reason is they don’t want to be gay. They may be thinking about it, looking at it, fantasizing about it, and in many cases acting on it, but they still don’t want to be gay. Gay is nothing something people want to be—gay is something people are. We still live in a very homophobic society where it takes a lot of courage—a lot—to do be honest about your sexuality, and in many cases, even with yourself.

Some gay men have been thoroughly indoctrinated by family and religion that gay is a choice that leads to eternal damnation on earth and in hell. They believe that by staying with their wives, they are “choosing” the right way to live. They fear the repercussions from their families and friends if they are honest. And so they crouch and hide, hoping they can just get through life this way without “rocking the boat” and tipping it over.

Other gay men fear that they will lose the only sense of security that they have in their lives—their wives and children. I believe that gay men who stay in their marriages love their families, at least on some level. Maybe it’s not the kind of love they are seeking or you are seeking, but love comes in different forms—including complacency. You may not feel the pitter patter of your heart, but love is more than that…or so some people say, even if I’m not one of them.

I admire men who find the courage to tell their wives the truth because I work with too many women who have husbands who are cowards and will never tell the truth. Or maybe they tell some of the truth 30 years down the line after denying any possible hints by their wives that homosexuality may be the cause of problems in their marriage. The greatest act of love a gay man can do for his wife is to
TELL THE TRUTH
.

Those men who are content to keep the truth from their wives don’t really love them because they are too selfish to understand what love is. Love is not watching a woman who loves you suffer day in and day out wondering what she is doing wrong when she is doing nothing wrong other than being a woman. And yet, I contend that probably half of the gay married male population will continue to live like that until physical death do they part, going down with their secret. The emotional death is a daily occurrence.

If you have a husband who has been honest with you, consider that a gift. It doesn’t change the years of emotional neglect or abuse you have been through, but it does explain it. Think of all of the women who never find out the truth and internalize that the problems are their fault. At least you have a chance to see the light of day again and understand that the problems are not YOUR problems.

I always say that being gay is NOT a choice—how you live your life with it IS a choice. You have the choice to be honest about it although it may be the most difficult choice at the moment. And to any men who may be reading this who are still having trouble “doing the right thing,” I have an excellent support network for you with some wonderful men who have done the right thing and will help you get through it. All you need to do is ask. I’m there for you—and so are they.

T
HE
A
BUSE
E
XCUSE

Over the last five years of working with so many thousands of women, I’ve noticed an emerging trend of women who tell me that their husbands are gay because they were sexually abused during youth or adolescence. What I find so interesting is that of the several dozen or so of gay men I am in contact with through friendship or business, I’ve asked them if they were abused as children, and so far, only one has said yes.

So, I went to my good friend Michael who runs the site at
www.marriedgay.org
and asked him for his thoughts on this. He has added this page to his website. He’s such a gem! Thanks, Michael, for giving such a great perspective.

E
XCUSES
, E
XCUSES

We are full of excuses......

A colleague wrote to me and asked whether I thought being sexually abused as a child was a valid reason for their homosexuality - she calls it the “Abuse Excuse”, something that she has discovered is used by something like 80% of all Married Gay Men.

There are lots of other statements:

• “I was not strong enough to deal with the baggage of coming out......”

• “I lived in a male dominated society......”

• “I was raised in a family with a strong moral code......”

• “I was brought up to believe that acting on my homosexual feelings was totally unacceptable......”

• “I suspected that I had other feelings and did not date for a long time......”

Many of these statements are perfectly valid and explain what has happened to the individuals concerned, but with any excuse that is not valid, we should try to be more honest with ourselves, and to understand what really happened.

For instance, with the “abuse excuse”, the abuse may have happened and that is perfectly valid, but not as an excuse for explaining a person’s sexuality. Sexual abuse does not cause a person to be gay, but it does trigger emotions and feelings that a person may not have realized were there. The person who is abused, is traumatized, and never wants to go through the experience again, is probably not gay. The person who is abused, is traumatized, but realizes that they do want to go through the experience again, is most likely to have gay tendencies which were already there.

To make it easier for ourselves, why not try to come to terms with those tendencies, and understand ourselves better?

It has been said many times, I make no excuse for repeating it, but honesty is almost certainly the best policy in the long term.

If any of you have not visited Michael’s website, please do so and fill out his informational survey so we can have more clarity about the straight/gay marriage situation. It only takes a few minutes, and we are learning so, so much from his research.

JULY 2006

A
ND THE
P
ASSWORD
I
S
…..

Each week, I receive over two dozen letters from straight wives asking me if I can help them figure out what the password is for their husbands’ computer activity. I guess I’ve been getting these letters for so long that I missed the obvious issue. Sorry about that girlfriends! Sometimes you’re just so close to the situation that it blinds you.

Well, now I’ve finally come up with my computer password epiphany. Hold on to your hats gals: WHY DOES YOUR HUSBAND HAVE HIS OWN PASSWORD?

That wasn’t too obvious, was it? But think about it. What reason could a husband possibly have for keeping his email private? What is it he doesn’t want you to see? Based on this circumstantial evidence alone, I would vote, “GUILTY!”

So, here’s my scenario for those of you in this situation. If you see that your husband has a different password, first ask him why. I’m sure he’ll come up with some reasonable explanation. And after he does, reassure him that you understand, and then ASK HIM FOR IT.

If he says that he’s not giving it to you, ask him why not. After all, you are his partner in life. Be reasonable. Tell him that you have no intentions of using it, but you would like to have it. Explain if he refuses to share the password, you will feel that he is looking to “keep” a secret from you. See what kind of explanation he gives you at that point. And do me a favor—send me his answer. I would like to share them in a future newsletter to let women know what they will encounter when they build up the courage to ask.

By the way, there is only one way I know to find out the password if he gives you a resounding “No.” That way is to buy spy ware that can be purchased online for under $100.00. It’s a simple download, and it will record every key stroke he types in. Then you’ll see everything going on. There are certainly other things you can to do to check things on the computer such a view computer history or check for temporary Internet sites. For directions on any of this, just email me at
[email protected]
and I’ll be happy to send you the instructions.

If you are reading this and have any other suggestions to help other women who are struggling with this, please send me the tips so I can reprint them.

MARCH 2007

L
IFE
A
FTER THE
D
EATH OF A
M
ARRIAGE

Several weeks ago, I received this letter. I will comment on it at the end because I think this is an issue that we don’t discuss enough:

Dear Bonnie,

I first contacted you over a year ago when my husband of 19 years told me he was bi. I went online and read all the other women’s comments but felt too overwhelmed to get into a conversation. Even though I didn’t participate I found comfort in reading these women’s feelings and hearing your gentle but firm advice/empathy. Looking back I now realize I was unable to join in as I wasn’t able to accept that I was one of the group. Denial kept me on the sidelines.