Boy Meets Girl (18 page)
J
To: Jen Sadler
Fr: Mitchell Hertzog
Re: Kate
My shoes are fine. And it’s great to hear that Kate’s all right. Not so great, you know, that she hates my guts, but I can’t say I blame her.
Listen, do you have access to Kate’s computer at work? I was wondering if you’d be willing to commit a little white-collar crime for me. Nothing major, just check Kate’s e-mail IN box and see if that note from Amy Jenkins—the one telling Kate to quit writing the warning letter to Ida Lopez—is still there. Could you do that for me, and let me know? I’d appreciate it.
Mitch
To: Mitchell Hertzog
Fr: Jen Sadler
Re: Kate
Sorry to be the one to break it to you, but Kate’s workstation has been cleared, and her computer’s hard drive replaced. Amy got in here first thing after lunch yesterday and made sure the place was denuded of any sign that Kate Mackenzie ever worked here. Her files have been confiscated as well. My guess is, they’ve already met their fate with the office shredder. Amy is pretty thorough in her ruthless quest for total domination over the HR division of this company.
So unless Kate printed out a copy of her e-mail from Amy and took it home—which is exceedingly doubtful, knowing Kate, who likes to keep her work and home life separate—I’m sorry to say it’s gone, never to be seen again.
Nice try, though, Romeo.
J
To: Jen Sadler
Fr: Mitchell Hertzog
Re: Kate
I’m not giving up that easily. Give me the name and number of your IT guy, will you, Jen? Thanks.
Mitch
To: Mitchell Hertzog
Fr: Tim Grabowski
Re: Kate
Got your message. Just tried calling but I got your voicemail.
Anyway, in answer to your question, the only way I could read Amy Jenkins’s e-mail is through her computer. All of our e-mail is sent through a POP server. The mail program automatically downloads mail from the server to the sender’s hard disk, then it erases them from the server, so the only way to get to the sent e-mail is to go onto the hard drive of the computer from which it was sent.
Which, unless you’ve got a key to Amy’s office, is going to be next to impossible.
Wish I could be more help. Kate’s a cute kid, and we’re all just crushed over what’s happened. If you talk to her, tell her that the nextFarscape marathon is at Raj’s. She’ll know what I mean.
Tim
To: Kate Mackenzie
Fr: Tim Grabowski
Re: You
Hey, what’s up with you and Dylan McDermott? You two an item yet, or what? I hope so. That guy is seriously easy on the eyes. But what’s with the Superfriends ties? Hermès is so much classier.
Still, he seems to really like you. At least he really wants to help you get your job back, which is the same thing, practically. Got a message from him.
Invite me to the wedding?
Miss ya.
Tim
To: Jen Sadler
Fr: Kate Mackenzie
Re: Mitch
What is going on with Mitch and IT? Tim just said Mitch had been in touch with him. Come on. Spill. You know you can’t keep a secret.
Kate
P.S. On my way to get a paper, I nearly got hit by a cab, and I didn’t even care. Seriously. It was like, Oh, look, this cab is about to hit me. But I wasn’t scared or anything. Because what would it matter if I died? Without my job, I have nothing to contribute to society anyway. I MIGHT AS WELL BE DEAD.
I was saved from the brink of death at the last minute by a Chinese food delivery man who pulled me back onto the curb. But still.
To: Kate Mackenzie
Fr: Jen Sadler
Re: Mitch
That taxicab story is horrifying, but it is not going to induce me to tell you what Mitch wanted.
He made me promise not to tell.
But I swear to you, Kate, this guy’s only got what’s best for you in mind. He’s the real deal.
You might want to rethink the suicide-by-cab thing. Just FYI.
J
To: Jen Sadler
Fr: Kate Mackenzie
Re: He’s the real deal
Sure, that’s what they all say. Excuse me if I take this opportunity to barf some more. Oh, hold on, the doorman is buzzing. Flowers being delivered from Skiboy for Dolly, no doubt.
Hey, do you have to tip flower delivery guys?
Kate
To: Kate Mackenzie
Fr: Jen Sadler
Re: Flower Delivery
Yes, you have to tip them. Two or three bucks, at least. Hasn’t anyone ever sent you flowers before?
And how do you know they’re from Skiboy? Maybe they’re from the great Peter Hargrave himself. Call me and describe them, as Craig hasn’t sent me flowers since we got married, and I’ve forgotten what they look like.
East Side Floral Company
1125 York Avenue • New York New York, 10028.
To: Kate Mackenzie care of Dolly Vargas. 610 East End Avenue, Penthouse A.
Forgive me?
Mitch
J
To: Jen Sadler
Fr: Kate Mackenzie
Re: Flower Delivery
Roses. Two dozen of them. Pink ones.
From Mitch.
Like I’m just supposed to forget he got me fired.
Still. It’s sweet of him. Considering I barfed on his shoes and all.
Kate
To: Kate Mackenzie
Fr: Jen Sadler
Re: Flower Delivery
So are you going to have dinner with him, or not?
J
To: Jen Sadler
Fr: Kate Mackenzie
Re: Dinner
Like a few flowers are going to make everything okay? I am so not having dinner with him.
Please.
No way.
Kate
To: Mitchell Hertzog
Fr: Kate Mackenzie
Re: Hi
Hi, Mitch. I tried calling your office just now, but your assistant says you’re out. Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you for the flowers. They’re beautiful.
Thanks also for helping me last night . . . that is, Jen told me you helped. I don’t actually remember it very well, except the part where I heaved on your shoes. Sorry about that. Every time you come near me you seem to get sprayed with something, don’t you? Like I’m Mount St. Helens or something.
Anyway, if the offer for dinner still stands, I’ll take you up on it.
Kate
To: Kate Mackenzie
Fr: Mitchell Hertzog
Re: Hi
Of course the offer for dinner still stands. Seven okay? Glad you liked the flowers. Don’t worry about the shoes. I didn’t like them much anyway.
Mitch
To: Jen Sadler
Fr: Kate Mackenzie
Re: Me
I’m going.
WHAT SHOULD I WEAR?????
Kate
To: Kate Mackenzie
Fr: Jen Sadler
Re: You
I so knew it.
Wear a skirt.
And remember, though he may be a cute wheelchair-basketball-playing lawyer with barf on his shoes, you still don’t know where he’s been. Don’t forget to use a condom, Miss “I’ve Only Been with One Other Man My Whole Life.”
J
To: Jen Sadler
Fr: Kate Mackenzie
Re: Me
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!
Kate
What am I doing? I mean, why am I obsessing over what to wear tonight to Mitch’s? I shouldn’t even be GOING to Mitch’s. I have no job, no place to live, I’m on the rebound, relationship-wise. This guy has been nothing but trouble, and besides which, the two of us have nothing in common, except a mutual appreciation for Mrs. Lopez’s brownies and the Travel Channel. I mean, he’s a LAWYER.
Should I wear control-top panties, or not? You know they leave those lines . . . but if I don’t wear them, my belly pooches out.
Oh my God, I can’t even believe I’m obsessing over this.
Do I have time to whip up one of Mrs. Lopez’s recipes? No . . . I can’t make a bundt cake AND blow out my hair. . . . DAMN!!!!!!!!!
D’Agostino Supermarkets #6
1507 York Avenue
New York, NY 10021
Reg 2 Time: 18:02
Cashier 411
Name: Dolores
1 lb. tiger prawn
$17.99
2 artichokes
$02.99
4 lemons
$02.00
1 Irish butter
$05.99
1 Fettucine
$03.99
1 French bread
$01.99
1 El Rey Cho Bar
$02.52
1 pd coffee
$06.99
1 garlic
$00.59
4 pears
$02.00
Subtotal
$47.05
Tax
$03.88
Total
$50.93
Charge
Mitchell Hertzog
xxxx-xxx-xxxx-xxxx
Thank you for shopping at D’Agostino
Welcome to CVS
Reg 1 Time: 18:22
1 pk Lady Bic Disp Razors
$2.99
1 L’eggs Con. Top
$1.49
1 pk Trojan Ribbed
$7.99
1 Almay Pressed Powder
$7.99
Subtotal
$19.49
Tax
$1.61
Total
$20.09
Charge
Kathleen Mackenzie
xxxx-xxx-xxxx-xxxx
Thank you for shopping
at CVS
To: Stacy Trent
Fr: Margaret Hertzog
Re: Your brother
Stacy, I tried to phone, but no one picked up. Either you are all out, or your au pair is on the phone with her Swedish boyfriend again, and not picking up. I really suggest you get her a separate line. And I do hope you are deducting the cost of these calls she’s constantly making to this boy from her weekly paycheck.
Anyway, I just received an extremely distressing phone call from your brother Stuart. He says you are being most uncooperative regarding the wedding plans. I understand that the week of June 21 is the only time in the foreseeable future the two of them can both be away from their jobs, and that—although Jason promised them use of your yard for an outdoor ceremony on Midsummer’s Day—there seems to be some problem with—and I am finding this hard to believe, but Stuart swears he heard it directly from you—your coven?
Honestly, Stacy. Do you really expect me to believe that you have joined a coven? That you are some kind of practicing witch? You live in Greenwich, for God’s sake. There are no covens in Greenwich.
Furthermore, I thought the Trents were episcopalian, not Wiccan.
If you are just SAYING you are holding a coven meeting or whatever it is on the summer solstice in order to make Stuart angry . . . well, you’ve succeeded.
What is wrong with you, Stacy? Why can’t you play nicely with your brother? Stuart is, out of all of you, the only one who was born with any common sense. Why must you and Mitch antagonize him so? He’s always been extremely sensitive, as I’m sure you’re aware, particularly about the size of his head. Yet, that never stopped the two of you from calling him Tweety growing up, did it? Oh, you two were just hilarious.
Claiming you belong to a coven is hardly an amusing joke, Stacy. It’s cruel, and it’s insensitive, especially coming from a mother of three. What if the children should hear of it, Stacy? Besides, I want this Amy Jenkins to LIKE us. For God’s sake, she’s hardly had what I’d call a warm welcome into the family, with your father still not returning anyone’s calls from Scottsdale, and Mitch causing this uproar in her office, and you saying you’re a practicing witch, and Janice . . . well, just being Janice. Really, the poor girl is going to think you’re all out to get her, and who could blame her? Finally we have a chance to get some NORMAL blood into the Hertzog family tree, and you’re trying to ruin it for everyone.
Well, I won’t have it. You’re to let your brother have his wedding at your house, like your own husband promised him he could. Do you understand, Stacy?
And while you’re at it, it would be polite if you’d host Amy’s bridal shower. I’m not saying you have to have it at your place. We can have it here. But I think it would be a nice gesture if you and Janice hosted it.
Hopefully all the green will have grown out of her hair by then.
Well, that’s all, call me.
Mother
To: Kate Mackenzie
Fr: Vivica
Re: Dale
Hi. I know you probably haven’t had a chance to look over the quiz I sent you. Dale says you’re a human resources rep, and I know that is a very important and busy job. Not like being a model. I mean, when you are a model, you just, you know, try on clothes and smile and stuff. Although it is quite hard to smile when you feel as if your heart is breaking—which I felt like mine was. Until the other night, when I met Dale. I know he is your ex-boyfriend and all and you probably don’t feel about him the way you did when you were first going out, but you guys are still friends, right? Dale says you are. So I was just hoping you could get back to me, because it’s been a really, really long time since I met a guy as nice as Dale. Most guys, they don’t even remember my name, they just want to hook up so they can go back to the office on Monday and tell everyone they scored with a supermodel.
Dale, he says he’s gonna write a song about me. Just as soon as he can think of a word that rhymes with Vivica.
But no pressure about the quiz. Whenever you get to it. I know you’re probably really busy with helping people and everything. Dale says you used to be a social worker. I think that is so admirable. I mean, people are our best resource. I once rescued a dog from the streets of Mexico City. But that isn’t the same as rescuing a person. And the dog turned out to have heartworms and had to be put to sleep. You can’t put people to sleep, which is too bad, because some of them deserve it, like my ex. But that’s another story.
Well, anyway. Just get that quiz back to me when you get a chance. Thanks.
Bye.
V