Boy Meets Girl (20 page)
Anyway, enough with the little sister. What are you talking about, “Thank God Sean showed up when she did, or I might have done something really, really stupid”? He’s a nice guy, Kate. Whyshouldn’t you have jumped his bones? Because you don’t like his choice of profession? Or because he’s seen you with your head in Dolly Vargas’s toilet?
J
P.S. Did he get into your bra? Please say yes.
J
To: Jen Sadler
Fr: Kate Mackenzie
Re: SO?????
BECAUSE I HAVE NO JOB (THANKS TO HIM, REMEMBER)????
Not to mention, NO PERMANENT ADDRESS.
Also, I AM ON THE REBOUND.
God.
Kate
P.S. The answer is yes.
To: Amy Jenkins
Fr: Stuart Hertzog
Re: Bad news
I don’t know quite how to tell you this, darling. In fact, I hesitate even to do so. You know I don’t want anything to intrude on the dream that is our love for each other.
But the truth is, you’re marrying a man who comes . . . not from a fractured home, per se, since my parents have enjoyed a married life of almost forty years. But definitely a home that—thanks to my siblings, who didn’t have the same advantages as me, being younger and therefore not as important to my parents as I was, being the only child for three years—has known its share of controversy.
You’ve met Stacy, I know, and commented on how normal she seems, despite my descriptions of her as the heartless shrew who once locked me inside a car trunk.
And you’ve met Mitch, who—well, what can I say about Mitch that you don’t already know? I mean, he’s the man who claims you called him a foul name. That is the kind of low to which he’s willing to stoop.
But you’ve never met my youngest sister, Janice. I was hoping, I will admit, that you never would—until her hair grew out, anyway. But now it appears that Janice’s hair is the least of her problems. I’m afraid I have some hard news, Amy, and as it might actually have bearing on the outcome of our genetic testing—as they say these things can be inherited—I feel I have no choice but to tell you.
My sister Janice has been seduced by another woman.
I know it’s shocking. My mother, rightfully, has forbidden Janice from ever communicating with the woman—her college roommate—again. But this girl has my sister so thoroughly under her spell that poor Janice apparently fancies herself a lesbian.
Which is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard, because of COURSE Janice isn’t a lesbian. I mean, yes, she’s always liked to keep her hair short, but she was never into sports as a child. True, she never played with Barbies like my sister Stacy, but she never expressed an interest in hiking, or even cargo pants.
I can only assume that this whole thing is a result of brainwashing on the part of the roommate. I don’t actually know what my parents expected, allowing Janice to go to Berkeley, of all the colleges in the world. But . . . well, I just wanted to let you know, Amy, so you would be fully aware of what, exactly, you’re getting yourself into, marrying into the Hertzog clan.
I hope you’ll call me when you get this e-mail. I tried phoning a little while ago, but they said you were attending a staff meeting. Just remember the most important thing: Darling . . . I love you.
Stuart
Stuart Hertzog, Senior Partner
Hertzog Webber and Doyle, Attorneys at Law
444 Madison Avenue, Suite 1505
New York, NY 10022
212-555-7900
To: Stuart Hertzog
Fr: Amy Jenkins
Re: Bad news
Darling! I can’t believe you’re worried about howImight be feeling at a time like this. You really are just the sweetest thing on earth. Please don’t bother your head about me. Your poor mother is the one you should be worrying about. What that woman has suffered because of your siblings! I don’t know how she bears it. Please send her my deepest sympathies.
And tell her not to worry. One of the girls in the Pi Delt house—a legacy, can you believe it?—went lesbian in grad school, but she snapped out of it two years ago. Some of the most happily married women in Manhattan are “hasbians,” and you’d never know it to look at them. I’m sure Janice will be fine.
Kisses,
Amy
Amy Denise Jenkins
Director
Human Resources
The New York Journal
216 W. 57th Street
New York, NY 10019
212-555-6890
This e-mail is intended only for the use of the individual to which it is addressed and may contain information that is privileged and confidential. If you are not the intended recipient, you are hereby notified that you have received this transmission in error; any review, dissemination, distribution, or copying of this transmission is prohibited. If you have received this communication in error, please notify us immediately by reply e-mail and delete this message and all of its attachments.
To: Courtney Allington
Fr: Amy Jenkins
Re: Stuart’s sister
Get this: the youngest one? Not the older one who claims to be a witch and is married to one of the Park Avenue Trents (though what he sees in her, God knows), but the younger one? Yeah. Turns out she’s a full-on dyke.
What the hell am I going to do? I don’t want a carpet-muncher in my bridal party.
Drinks after work? I need anesthetizing.
Ames
Amy Denise Jenkins
Director
Human Resources
The New York Journal
216 W. 57th Street
New York, NY 10019
212-555-6890
This e-mail is intended only for the use of the individual to which it is addressed and may contain information that is privileged and confidential. If you are not the intended recipient, you are hereby notified that you have received this transmission in error; any review, dissemination, distribution, or copying of this transmission is prohibited. If you have received this communication in error, please notify us immediately by reply e-mail and delete this message and all of its attachments.
To: Mitchell Hertzog
Fr: Stacy Trent
Re: Janice aka Sean
Okay, look: It’s not like it’s the world’s biggest surprise.
And the thing is, she’s better off realizing it now than later, after she’s married some dope and squeezed out a couple of kids.
Anyway. The thing is, what are we going to do with her? I know you don’t want her staying with you, because she’s screwing up your chances with Miss Girl of Your Dreams. But I don’t want her staying with me, because Jason can’t stand Bikini Kill. And that’s going to screw up MY chances of getting laid.
And God knows we could never get Stuart to take her. Not that I’d let her go, if he offered.
So what’s left? I mean, Mom. That’s it, basically. Maybe if we could get to Dad before she does and explain the whole thing, he might be able to talk Mom into leaving the poor kid alone. What do you think?
Stace
P.S. Doesn’t Mom ever watch TV? Doesn’t she know by now that telling a kid you don’t approve of them liking someone is almost like daring them to sleep with the person? Jesus. It’s like she doesn’t even live on this PLANET.
To: Stacy Trent
Fr: Stuart Hertzog
Re: Janice
I know you and Mitchell met today to discuss Janice. Don’t bother denying it, I saw you hiding behind that potted palm in the lobby.
Well, while you two were yukking it up at Gramercy Tavern or wherever, I actually did a little research, and found the solution to our problem.
There are several well-established and respectable organizations that will, for a fee, transport (forcibly, if necessary) a child to a sexual-orientation rehabilitation center. The most successful results have been achieved at one called Right Way, in Utah, where, during the course of six weeks of intensive therapy, she’ll be deprogrammed and ultimately made to see the error of her ways.
I’ve already given Right Way a call, and they do have an empty room at the moment. If we can get Janice there by this weekend, she’ll graduate well in advance of my wedding. I think it’s something we need to seriously consider. I’ve already discussed it with Mom, and she agrees: It’s clearly the appropriate way to handle the situation.
I know, of course, that Mitch—given the lowlifes with whom he used to associate—will get into his ultra-liberal “it’s genetics and not a choice” mode. But in Janice’s case, this whole lesbian thing is clearly just her acting out because she’s the youngest, and Mom and Dad never set appropriate boundaries for her. They were so worn out by Mitch that by the time Janice came along, they were just like, “Whatever you want to do, dear.”
Well, I for one won’t stand silently by while one of my siblings becomes a victim of left-wing politics and, eventually, a marginalized member of society. I’m hoping you, as one of the more rational members of this family, will back me up on this. Let me know.
Stuart
Stuart Hertzog, Senior Partner
Hertzog Webber and Doyle, Attorneys at Law
444 Madison Avenue, Suite 1505
New York, NY 10022
212-555-7900
To: Stuart Hertzog
Fr: Stacy Trent
Re: Janice
Have you been sniffing glue or something? I’m not going to hire some company to kidnap Janice and ship her off to Utah to get made not-gay. Christ, Stuart, how would you like it if we hired a company to kidnap you and make you not marry a bitch with a stick up her ass?
Not so much, huh?
Leave Janice to Mitch and me. I think we can handle her.
Stacy
To: Stacy Trent
Fr: Margaret Hertzog
Re: Janice
Stacy, Stuart forwarded your last, exceptionally rude, e-mail to him. I couldn’t believe—until I read it with my own eyes—that you would ever say something so cruel about your own brother’s fiancée. Amy is a lovely girl. I can only think this “stick” business is due to the influence of Mitch. Stuart told me that Mitch is apparently besotted with a young woman whom, I understand, Amy was forced to fire for lying—under oath, no less. While it doesn’t surprise me in the least that Mitch is associating with such a person, what DOES astonish me is that you would condone—even encourage—such a relationship.
I have to be honest with you, Stacy. I think Janice’s choosing to stay with Mitch at this crucial time in her psychosexual development is avery bad idea. Mitch will only ENCOURAGE the unnatural feelings Janice has for this horrible Sarah person. I happen to know for a fact that he once made a donation to the Rainbow Coalition. If that is not condoning perverse sexual practices, I don’t know what is.
Anyway, I would just like to suggest, young lady, that you apologize to your brother for saying such a nasty thing about his fiancée. And you had better do it soon, because I heard from your father a little while ago. He’s coming home.
At last.
Never mind that it took finding out that his youngest daughter is having alesbian affair to do it. He’s on his way. Think about THAT.
Mom
To: Mitchell Hertzog
Fr: Stacy Trent
Re: Mom
Dad’s coming home. Because of the whole Janice thing. Just thought you should know.
Oh, also, I really hope you aren’t thinking about marrying this Kate girl. Because I don’t think Mom’s gonna be real receptive to having her in the family.
Not, of course, that something like that would ever stop you. But it might bother your girlfriend a little.
S
To: Stacy Trent
Fr: Mitchell Hertzog
Re: Mom
Marry her? I can’t even seem to get five minutes alone with her without her ex or one of my family members bursting in on us.
But I’ll tell you something . . . I’ve got a feeling about this one. Kate, I mean.
Okay, yeah, so far I’ve managed to get her fired, and set her up in a living situation I wouldn’t exactly call ideal, given that there’s a six-foot-five German ski instructor residing there as well.
But I plan on making it up to her. Getting her a job. And then maybe the living situation thing will take care of itself.
Although I’ll have to get my little sister out of the guest room for that to happen.
One step at a time. . . .
Mitch
You’ve reached Ready Lock. Locked out? Don’t call a friend! Call Ready Lock. Locks changed, keys made while you wait. Just leave a message, and Ed will get back to you in five minutes—guaranteed.
(Tone)
Eddie, it’s me, Mitch Hertzog. You remember. Your lawyer for that little imbroglio you got into in Kip’s Bay. You told me if there was ever anything you could do for me, just name it. Well, I think I’ve finally got something you can do for me. Give me a call.
(Click)
To: Jen Sadler
Fr: Mitchell Hertzog