Boy Meets Girl - Say Hello to Courtship (9 page)

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How to Grow and Guard in Friendship, Fellowship, and Romance

We were eating lunch at the Corner Bakery when my friend asked, "Did you hear about Wes and Jenna?" "No," I answered as I poked at my salad. They were two singles from our church who had recently become a "couple." "What's the news?"

"They decided to end their courtship," he said.

I halted a bite midway to my mouth.

"Are you serious? Who broke it off?"

"I guess it was mutual," he said with a shrug. "They felt that God was leading them out of it."

"Bummer," I said.

He nodded.

Wes and Jenna were good friends. I thought that they'd make a perfect match and that engagement was imminent.

"It's just too bad when courtships fail," I said wistfully

"Yeah," my friend agreed.

"Let me revise that last statement," I said.

"Hows that?" my friend asked.

"I should have said that 'It's just too bad when courtships don't turn out the way I want them to.'" Well aware of my bad habit of matchmaking, he smiled and winked knowingly.

"A toast," I said as I raised my glass of Coke in the air. "To our good friends Wes and Jenna at the conclusion of their
successful
courtship."

Right Definitions

What's
your
definition of a successful courtship? It's an important question to answer before you set out on the adventure of seeking God's will for marriage. Often we act as if the only successful courtships are those that culminate in a sparkling diamond ring and the words "Marry me!" But careful examination reveals how limited and foolish this idea is.

Think about it. Engagement isn't necessarily a good thing. Today many couples base their decision to become engaged solely on emotions or temporary passion instead of on reality and wisdom. Can a courtship that leads to an unwise union be considered a success? No! Or what about a couple who gets engaged after having had a courtship that was rife with selfishness, sexual sin, and manipulation? Successful? I don't think

Growing and Guarding

It's clear that we need to refine our definition of success in courtship. Getting engaged should not be our overriding goal. What should be?

I believe that in a God-glorifying, wisdom-guided courtship we have two central priorities. The first is to
treat each other with holiness and sincerity;
the second is to
make an informed and wise decision about marriage.

In courtship our goals should be to
grow
and
guard.
We want to grow closer so we can truly know each other's character, but we also want to guard each other's hearts because the outcome of our relationship is still unknown.

At the beginning of a courtship a man and woman don't know if they should get married. They need to get to know each other, observe each other's character, and find out how they relate as a couple. This is what it means to grow closer. But the fact that the future is unknown should also motivate them to treat each other with the kind of integrity that will allow them to look back on their courtship without regret, regardless of the outcome.

Second Corinthians 1:12 sums up what every Christian couple should be able to say at the end of a courtship:

Now this is our boast: Our conscience testifies that we have conducted ourselves in the world, and especially in our relations with you, in the holiness and sincerity that are from God. We have done so not according to worldly wisdom but according to God's grace.

My friend Leonard, a single man in his thirties, was disappointed when Rita broke off their courtship. But because he had acted appropriately towards her, he had the peace that comes with clear conscience.

"Sure my pride was hurt," Leonard says. "I asked myself 'Why?' and 'What went wrong?' many times. But I consider our courtship a success because I was able to walk away from it praising God that I had served and honored my sister. I treated her with the respect a child of God deserves. To the best of my ability, my motives, thoughts, words, and actions were in the right place."

Balancing Act

Maintaining the priorities of growing and guarding make courtship something of a balancing act. You have the clear purpose to consider marriage, but you also need to fight the urge to assume that you're going to get married.

It reminds me of a high-wire circus act. Have you ever watched a performer traverse a wire a hundred feet in the air? If you have, you know that the secret to their safety is the balancing pole they carry. Holding it horizontally with both hands keeps the performer from losing balance and falling off the wire.

You could say that in courtship we're walking across the high wire stretched between friendship and marriage. The two priorities of growing and guarding are like the two ends of our balancing pole. We need to hold our pole in the middle for sue

There's a tension you want to maintain. Just remember that it's a good tension. If God leads you into marriage, you won't need to guard your hearts-you'll belong to each other completely. And believe me, you'll cherish the memories of your courtship walk across the high wire as an exciting, one-of-a-kind time in your relationship.

I'll never forget Valentine's Day during my courtship with Shannon. How wonderfully awkward it was! On the holiday for lovers, I wasn't sure how to address her. She was my friend, but then we were more than friends. So we were more than friends, but not quite lovers. I felt like I was back in seventh grade agonizing over the meaning of the words on valentines!

In a card I spent hours writing I asked, "How do you guard a girl's heart while attempting to tell her how special she is? Can you give her a rose as you thank her for her friendship?"

My questions captured the healthy tension of courtship. Can you give her a rose as you thank her for her friendship? It sounds funny, but I think you can. It's part of the process of letting romance blossom slowly under the watchful eye of prudence and self-control. You're more than friends, so you can determine whether you should join your lives in marriage, but you're also less than lovers-your hearts and bodies don't yet belong to each other.

Enjoy it. Don't rush. Don't despise or hurry the in-between time of courtship, even though you often feel the tension. Instead, treasure the season. Balancing the need to grow and guard during courtship is a necessary and fulfilling part of making the journey towards marriage wisely and with holiness and sincerity.

Friendship

The first and most important thing you can do in your courtship is to deepen your friendship. You don't need to worry about igniting romantic feelings immediately or figuring out whether or not you're compatible for marriage. Those things will work themselves out as your friendship develops.

Growing in friendship involves learning through conversation who you are as individuals. It's having fun together and spending quality and quantity time together.

When you're just starting out, don't stress yourself out trying to orchestrate incredibly entertaining or romantic dates. Relax and enjoy each others company. Look for activities and settings that allow you to be together and talk freely. And don't limit yourselves to going out on dates. Look for ways to share the different parts of your life-the fun, the mundane, and the in-between. Work together
and
play together; serve side by side.

The strategic question to keep in mind is: How can you let each other see the "real you"? Whatever it is you love, whatever it is that captures your imagination, invite the other person into it-and ask the other to take you into his or her world too.

"I think of myself as a student of Nicole," says Steve, who's been in a courtship with her for three months. "I want to better understand who she is so I can be a better friend. A lot of what 1 learn happens when we're just being together and talking. But I've also discovered that I have to be intentional with my questions. During the day if I think of something I want to ask her,

Guarding each other's hearts during this time means making sure the friendship has appropriate
pace, focus,
and
space.

The
pace
should be unhurried. Don't try to become best friends the first week. Just like any other friendship, this one takes time and consistent investment to develop. Don't rush or try to force your way into each other's lives.

The
focus
of your friendship in its early stages should be on getting to know each other, not on creating premature intimacy and emotional dependence. In the beginning of your courtship, look for activities where the focus is on something else besides being a couple. In your conversations and questions, avoid talking about the relationship. Instead, seek to learn about each other. Don't grab for more intimacy than is warranted. The focus will change as mutual confidence about commitment deepens. You'll earn access to each other's hearts over time.

The amount of
space
your friendship occupies in your life will also grow over time. In the beginning, be careful that it doesn't crowd out other relationships with friends and families. Don't be threatened by other relationships the other person has. Make room for each other. Don't try to monopolize each other's time. Remember that premature exclusivity in your courtship can cause both of you to depend on it more than is wise. Be faithful to your current friendships and responsibilities. As the relationship progresses, you'll make more and more space for each other, but this should happen slowly and be done cautiously.

Fellowship

As your relationship unfolds, you want to make sure it has a spiritual foundation. For your relationship to be strong, love for

Growing in biblical fellowship involves sharing with other Christians the most important aspect of our lives-the reality of Jesus Christ and His work in us. It involves praying together as well as talking about what God is teaching us and showing us.

Men, it's our responsibility to take the lead in biblical fellowship. Find out how you can be praying for each other. Take time to talk about what God is teaching you in your individual walks with him.

There are many other ways to grow in fellowship. You can read Christian books together, talk about sermons after a Sunday service, and discuss how you're going to apply what you learn. During our courtship, Shannon and I read the book of Acts together and sent e-mails back and forth about what we were learning.

Another important part of fellowship is spurring each other on in righteousness. Nate, a young man from Great Britain, did this in his courtship with Clare by inviting her to point out any areas of compromise she observed in his life. "I would consistently ask if she saw any attitudes or behaviors that were offensive or dishonoring to her, others, or to God."

Guarding the fruit of true biblical fellowship means increasing your love and passion for God, not your emotional dependence on each other. Your goal is to point each other to Him. All the ideas shared for growing in fellowship have to be guarded from abuse. We should never use spiritual activities as a way to grab for more intimacy than is appropriate for our relationship.

One couple I know wound up in sexual sin as a result of their extended times of "prayer" in his car. Others use the facade