Boy Meets Girl - Say Hello to Courtship (6 page)

Why So Serious?

I'm sure that for some of you, the idea of stating your intentions at the beginning of a relationship is distasteful. Mentioning the possibility of marriage up front is foolish, you'd say, because it makes the relationship too serious, too soon.

I understand this concern. No guy should do this lightly, without serious prayer and counsel from the parents and pastor who know and care for the girl. A man who uses the hope of marriage as bait to manipulate a woman will answer to God.

I also agree that it's foolish for a couple in a courtship to immediately
assume
that they're going to be married. But stating your intention to explore and
consider
the possibility of marriage is very different from assuming that marriage is inevitable. By
clearly
stating the intent of the relationship, a man is asserting that he is open to marriage. He is acknowledging that unless there is a clear intent to consider that level of commitment, the girl has no reason to waste her time developing anything more than a friendship with him.

This is why, in one sense, courtship is a commitment-it's a promise not to play games with another person's heart. It's serious. It's a willingness to honestly explore the merits of a lifelong

What is courtship? It's dating with a purpose. It's friendship plus possibility. It's romance chaperoned by wisdom. That's what I mean by setting a clear course for romance. It's not without risk; it's simply a way to be careful with the other person's heart while opening up your lives together to God's joyful best.

3.
Romance says, "Enjoy the fantasy." Wisdom calls us to base our emotions and perceptions in reality.

Proverbs 19:2 says, "It is not good to have zeal without knowledge, nor to be hasty and miss the way." That verse could stand as a one-line summary of Shakespeare's tragic play
Romeo and Juliet
and for many misguided romances in real life. To be passionate about something if our passion is based on ignorance or mistaken information invites disaster. Yet the very intensity of romance can set us up for exactly that.

Earlier I told you about Matt and Julia. They're an example of two people who, motivated by impatience and selfishness, became very emotionally zealous about each other but later realized that their emotions were based in fantasy. They didn't really know each other. Their emotions had no foundation in the facts.

What is an emotion? As I was growing up, my dad taught me that an emotion is a physical expression of how we perceive the status of something that we value. Anger, gladness, fear, sadness, joy, jealousy, hatred are all combinations of our
perception
and our
values.
For example, two bystanders who witness a cat being hit by a car can experience totally different emotions

In a relationship, if our values are godly and our perception of what we value is accurate, our emotions will be appropriate and healthy But if either is out of sync with the truth, our emotions will be inappropriate and unhealthy. Our goal should be to be properly excited about what is really important.

Wisdom calls us to base feelings on accurate information, not on distortions. This
is
what Julia failed to do. Her emotions created an image of Matt that wasn't real. She rushed heart-first into the relationship with her eyes closed. Her marathon conversation with Matt on their first date created a false sense of knowledge. They revealed parts of themselves that were very intimate but didn't get the reality check of time or observe each other in different contexts. The effect was to give them the impression that they were closer than they really were.

In the season of courtship we have to fight the tendency to fill what's lacking in our knowledge of the other person with emotion based on fantasy. If we don't know something about him or her, we need to talk, ask probing questions, and discover who they really are-their values, their motivations, their goals. We need to move beyond typical, artificial dating activities and observe each other in real-life settings-in families, in church life, with friends, handling pressure at work. Courtship is a time to see the good, the bad, and the ugly in the one we love. Then our emotions and decisions about the relationship can be based on fact.

The skillful romance I've been talking about doesn't disdain or rule out emotions and passion. But it does call us to make sure that these feelings are flowing from reality, not rationalization. We

Are You Ready for Courtship?

The problems we see in relationships today-the impatience, the lack of purpose, and the misguided emotions-are all expressions of foolishness. We need wisdom. Wisdom complements romance. Like the string attached to the kite, wisdom enables romance to really soar. It anchors it, disciplines it, and brings it to its highest potential. Again, the tension is good.

When the emotional winds get dangerously strong, wisdom pulls the kite down to safety so it won't be destroyed. That's what happened in Rich and Christy's story. Even though it was difficult, they grounded their romantic relationship because it wasn't the right time for it to fly.

I talk to many young couples like Rich and Christy who ask, "How do we know when it's the right time to start a courtship?" The basic answer to this question is that
you're ready to start a courtship when you can match romance with wisdom.

In fact, let's turn the three points we just looked at into questions to help you examine your own readiness to pursue marriage.

Are you able to be patient?
It's not wrong to desire marriage. But what would you say your greatest motive is for starting a relationship? Is it the confidence that you're ready for marriage and that God has brought someone godly into your life? Or is it impatience? Are you characterized by peace or anxiousness? Don't start until you can proceed patiently.

Can you set a clear course for the relationship?
I remember having a thirteen-year-old kid stop me at a conference. He was

Are your emotions based in reality? As
we saw earlier, our emotions are the result of value and perception. First, do you have the right values about relationships? Maybe you just became a Christian or are just beginning to obey God in this part of your life. Don't rush into a relationship too quickly Make sure you know what God says about what matters in a partner and what makes a marriage healthy. Second, how's your perception? Do you accurately see your own situation and the person you're interested in? Have you sought counsel from others? Have you taken the time to learn more about the other person's character? Don't follow your feelings until you've tested them.

The right time and age to start pursuing marriage will be different for each of us. But the one thing we should all have in common is waiting until romance can be guided by wisdom. Then we can experience the season of courtship at the
right time
and the
right pace
with a
clear purpose
and a
clear head.
This is romance at it's best.

The Rest of the Story

Let me end this chapter with the conclusion of Rich and Christy's story A month after Rich buried their love letters, both he and Christy left home for colleges in different parts of the country They didn't say goodbye. They didn't write or call each

A year and a half after they'd broken up, Christy called her mom from school and told her that she was still struggling with her feelings for Rich. When her dad found out, he asked if she knew how Rich was doing. "How would I know?" Christy answered, the emotion in her voice thinly veiled. "I haven't talked to him since we broke up."

Her dad was impressed. Rich had stuck to his word and broken off communication with Christy. Mike decided to intervene once more. A few months later, when Rich was home from college, Mike called him and asked him to come to his office.

"I had no idea what he wanted to talk to me about," Rich says. "I thought I must be in trouble, but I couldn't imagine what I'd done."

As it turned out, Rich wasn't in trouble. Mike wanted to meet with him to thank him for keeping his word. He also wanted to tell him that he felt it was an appropriate time for Rich and Christy to begin a courtship.

Rich was floored. He told Mike that he needed time to pray about it. "Well, next week I have to go down to Richmond," Mike told him. "Why don't you drive me down, and we can talk about it then?"

A week later Rich and Mike were on the road again. It was just like old times. And it was time for another talk.

Rich had prayed hard that week about starting a relationship with Christy again. But as he sought God, he sensed Him saying that it still wasn't the right time for a courtship. "I still wasn't ready to get married. I was still figuring out what I'd be doing for a living. It seemed that God was saying, 'You commit

When Rich shared this with Christy's dad, Mike couldn't have been more surprised or more pleased. It was as though their roles had been reversed since their first talk about wisdom and romance. This time it was the young man who was sharing what God had taught him about waiting for the right time.

A Red Maple for Christy

Rich and Christy didn't begin a courtship then, but they did start to talk and ease back into a friendship. A year later, with Christy still away at school, they began a long-distance courtship. Things were so different this time. Their relationship was just as romantic, but now it had purpose and direction. They had their parents' blessing. Every day their confidence for marriage grew.

All that time the box full of love letters lay hidden. Rich had never told Christy that he had buried them in her own front yard. She thought that the letters had been burned. The Christmas before she graduated from college she found out otherwise.

Christmas morning, Rich was celebrating at the Farris home. "This ones for you," he said, handing Christy a small box. She unwrapped it and found a nursery tag for a Red Maple.

"I bought you a tree," Rich told her.

"Oh," Christy said, trying to sound enthusiastic.

Her family who by this time were all in on the surprise, could hardly contain themselves. "Why don't you plant it in the front yard?" her father suggested.

"Now?" Christy asked.

"Where should we plant it?" Christy asked as they walked down the driveway towards the front of the yard.

"This spot will do," Rich said, pointing to the ground. He smiled at Christy, then raised his shovel and drove it into the earth.

One More Letter

I didn't tell you about one other thing Rich had put in that box before he buried it. When he had carefully wrapped it years before, he had placed one new letter on top of all the others. It was a letter Christy had never read. In it, Rich asked her to marry him.

So, Christmas morning, over four years after it had been buried, the box of cherished letters was unearthed and opened. And four years after it had been written, Christy read Rich's letter proposing marriage.

Today, Rich and Christy have a soaring story of romance because they were willing to be guided by wisdom. Anyone can have passionate feelings, but only those who seek God's purpose and timing can know the true joy of romantic love fulfilled.

Just ask Rich Shipe. In the very spot he buried his hopes, he saw them come to life. In the very place he knelt for a funeral of his dreams, he knelt four years later to ask Christy Farris to be his bride. And as he pulled an engagement ring from his pocket, he heard her answer, "Yes!"