Boy Meets Girl - Say Hello to Courtship (8 page)

A few months after her feelings for Neil were gone, a most surprising thing happened. Claire began to be attracted to David. She began to notice his servant's heart, his humility, and his leadership. This attraction felt different than her prior experiences of liking guys. "Before it had always been, 'Here's the guy I want!' But this time, I thought, 'Here's a man I could follow.'"

Despite her growing feelings, Claire didn't want to get her hopes up. After what had happened the first time, she doubted that David would take another chance on her.

A Different Kind of Peace

David remained unaware of all these changes in Claire. But one thing he knew-he still had feelings for her. In fact, he still often wondered what Mr. Richardson had meant when he said, "Don't take her first answer." Should he give it a second try? Would he risk losing her friendship?

As he contemplated these things, David was surprised to
realize
that he wasn't anxious. God had been changing him. Even though he wasn't always aware of it, even though he sometimes felt as if his life were on hold, God had been steadily doing an important work in his heart. The guy who loved to have his "ducks in a row" had grown to trust God more than his own meticulous planning. The guy who longed for marriage was now bringing his requests to God with joy and thankfulness instead of desperation or complaining.

A key encouragement to him was Philippians 4:6-7:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your

Now his prayers about courtship and marriage were very different.
God, I don't want to be anxious about this area of my life,
he would pray.
I present my requests to You. I'd like to get married, and You know whom I'm interested in. But I'm trusting Your Word, which says that Your peace, which transcends understanding, will guard my heart. I want Your peace, not the peace I attempt to create.

One day on his hour-long commute to Baltimore, David prayed,
God, what's your timing for me to pursue a relationship?

As he prayed, David suddenly realized that it was the first time he wasn't assuming that he knew who the girl was going to be. He had finally let go. "For me, it was evidence that God was transforming me," he says. "I prayed,
Lord, I need you to help me to determine who just as much as when and how."

The Right Time in the Windy City

For David and Claire, the right thing at the right time came together on a trip to Chicago. They went with twenty-five other young adults to serve a newly planted church and do outreach in the city.

The night before he left, David and his parents got into a conversation that turned unexpectedly to marriage. His dad and mom asked him when he felt he would pursue a girl. They lovingly challenged him not to hold back because of fear. "Son," his dad said, "I think you need to get going!"

"Get going!" With those words ringing in his ears, the next day David and the rest of the group flew to Chicago. Was God speaking through his parents and telling him that it was time to move?

David could hardly believe that his two friends were echoing the exact words of his parents. He began to tell them that he
was
content. He was really at peace and not in a hurry. As he talked, David realized the significance of what he was saying. He actually
meant
what he was saying! He really
was
content. He really was at peace.

And suddenly, in the midst of this God-given peace, David sensed that God was telling him the time had come to try again.

One More Try

David picked the last night of the trip to act. The group was walking through downtown Chicago. David wanted to time his conversation with Claire to happen as they walked across a bridge over the Chicago River. He kept to the back of the group and to his delight found that Claire was walking there too.

When they reached the bridge, he asked, "Claire, can I talk with you for a minute?"

"Sure," she answered. He seemed so serious.

They slowed their pace and let the others get ahead of them so they could have some privacy

"Gosh, I can't believe I'm doing this.. .again!" David said and laughed.

David began slowly and deliberately, using every qualification he could think of. "I was wondering if you would consider... praying about...the possibility of...maybe thinking about.. .possibly pursuing a relationship with me?"

Then, before Claire had the chance to respond, he rushed to assure her that she was under no obligation to be interested and that if she wasn't interested it was completely fine and that he would always be her friend if she said no-in fact, she didn't have to answer him right away.. .she could wait as long as she wanted...and....

"Can I give you my answer now?" Claire interrupted.

"Of course."

"My answer is yes," she said.

Standing there on the bridge over the Chicago River with his heart pounding in his chest, all David could find to say was "Cool!"

On his third try he'd hit a home run.

Learning As We Go

I see many things we can learn from David and Claires story. Let me share a few that seem the most important:

I.
Remember, God is interested in the journey, not just the destination.

David wanted to finalize his readiness for marriage; God wanted to reveal idols in his heart. Claire wanted God to bless her choice for a husband; God wanted her to submit her emotions to Him.

2.
Don't overspiritualize decision making.

God used very practical means to lead David: a thorough evaluation of his own preparedness for marriage, the consent of Claire's father, the encouragement of his parents and friends, and his own sense of peace about asking her one more time.

C. . Lewis once wrote a friend: "I don't doubt that the Holy Spirit guides your decisions from within when you make them with the intention of pleasing God. The error would be to think that He speaks only within, whereas in reality He speaks also through Scripture, the Church, Christian friends, books, etc." Though God speaks to Christians primarily through His Word, He confirms and leads us in many different ways. But we should resist overspiritualizing the steps He expects us to take to make choices.

God knows all things. He knows whom well marry before we meet him or her. But that doesn't mean our task is to discover what He already knows or to worry that we might miss His perfect plan. Our responsibility is to love Him, study His Word, deepen our relationship with Him, and learn to evaluate our choices in light of biblical wisdom. If we're doing these things, we can make our decisions in the confidence that we aren't somehow missing God's will.

Will we fail sometimes and make mistakes? Of course we

On the other hand, I'd like to offer one caution to men: I'm not saying that initiative is not required or that sitting around waiting for the Lord to drop a wife into your lap is somehow godly. As the old saying goes, "Lack Of' pep is often mistaken for patience." Neither should you mistake a lack of courage for wisdom.

3.
Our romanticized ideal of what we want in a spouse is often different from what God says matters.

My favorite part of David and Claire's story is when Claire began to fall in love with David's character-not his image or his personality, but his
character.
At first David didn't fit her romanticized notion of what mattered in a husband, but then she realized that he was a man she could follow.

Claire's experience is a good reminder to us that we should very carefully examine our criteria for a spouse to see if they are in line with God's. The first nonnegotiable is that the potential spouse be a Christian. But that's not all that matters. The book of Proverbs ends with an entire chapter dedicated to describing the "wife of noble character." It says that a woman who fears IN,the Lord is to be praised and is worth far more than rubies

IjT(Proverbs 31:10). God says that virtue and character matter

most.

Why is this so important? Because those who choose a spouse based on external and fleeting concerns experience much grief. The book of Proverbs is dotted with reminders of

We need to make sure that we don't let our own romanticized and foolish notions lead us into marrying a person who lacks godly character.

A Second Yes

Courtship is a season for two people to grow in friendship, to get to know each others character, and to see how they interact as a couple. As we'll see in the next chapter, courtship isn't a form of preengagement. It's a time to consider the
possibility
of marriage and to seek to make a wise choice.

Some courtships end with two people deciding that they should remain friends. David and Claire's courtship ended with two friends deciding that they should become lovers. Claire answered yes a second time when, on Christmas Eve, David asked her to be his wife.

I got to attend their wedding. It was a beautiful celebration capped with a great surprise: David had arranged for a helicopter to land behind the church and whisk the newlyweds off to their hotel in downtown Washington, D.C. Talk about a dramatic exit!

As I stood with the other wedding guests and watched the helicopter lift off into the clear night sky, I couldn't help marveling at the kindness of God. The boy who had felt the sting of rejection was finally holding his bride. The girl who had once pounded on her couch in annoyance at the thought of David

In their wedding program Claire had quoted a passage from one of her favorite books,
Anne of Avonlea
by . M. Montgomery. She had picked it because it so perfectly described their experience.

Perhaps, after all, romance did not come into one's life with pomp and blare, like a gay knight riding down; Perhaps it crept to one's side like an old friend through quiet ways; Perhaps it revealed itself in seeming prose, until some sudden shaft of illumination flung athwart its pages betrayed the rhythm and the music; Perhaps.. .perhaps. . .love unfolded naturally out of a beautiful friendship, as a golden-hearted rose slipping from it's green sheath.

Perhaps after all our worries and questions, we'll discover that all along God had the right thing at the right time for us. Perhaps His plan is more wonderful than anything we could create by ourselves-whether it comes with "pomp and blare," or quietly, "like an old friend."

Perhaps...perhaps...we should entrust our questions of "How?" and "Who?" and "When?"into His tender care.