Boy Meets Girl - Say Hello to Courtship (19 page)

Can you kiss to the glory of God before marriage? I'm sure there are many couples who can. But if you
realize
you can't, be willing to refrain. Ask yourself, "Why is it so important to me that we be kissing now? Is my sinful heart deceiving me? Am I being motivated by lust?" The thing that matters is our motive and the fruit of our actions.

Even Porn Stars Draw Lines

I encourage you to make as many parts of your physical relationship as you can precious and treasured parts of marriage. I once read a newspaper article that quoted a woman who had starred in many pornographic movies. Surprisingly, this woman had stipulated in her contract that she would never have to kiss the male actors with whom she had sex before the cameras. Why would a woman who gives her body to every form of sexual perversion care about a kiss? The answer she gave was that a kiss was one of the few remaining intimate and precious things she could reserve for her boyfriend.

I wanted to cry when I read that. I thought of all the men and women who have been shocked, even offended, by my decision not to kiss my wife until we were married. "Kissing is no big deal!" I've heard over and over. So who's right? Are they, or
is
the

Good in Bed

The fear that many people have about not having a physical relationship before marriage is that they'll be clumsy and inexperienced on their wedding night. Guess what? It's okay to be clumsy and inexperienced. It means you need to devote a lot of time to practice after the wedding.

I received an e-mail from a girl named Rita who was very concerned about my decision not to kiss Shannon until we were married. She had talked to a friend who said that without
some
form of physical interaction before marriage, there could be damaging effects on our sex life. Shannon would feel like she was being raped, and I might not be able to turn my sex drive on after having controlled it for so long. (Neither was a problem by the way.)

I answered Rita by saying that the transition a couple makes between no physical contact and full consummation is important, but that it should take place
after
marriage, not before it. There's no rule that says newlyweds have to have sex their first night together. They can warm up slowly. They can take as long as they need to get used to kissing and touching each other. They can grow accustomed to being naked together. They don't have to have intercourse immediately. (Though I've met few couples who had trouble feeling ready very quickly.)

The point is that the focus for both people (especially the

The world has turned sex into a sport to be scored and evaluated like figure skating. What it lacks in true love, it replaces with an obsession over performance. What a sad replacement! Who cares if you or your partner can have the "ultimate orgasm" if neither of you truly care about each other?

One of the best gifts you can give your future husband or wife is the assurance that they don't have to be experts on the wedding night. What a wonderful opportunity you both have to trust God together-to say to Him, "Lord, we believe that You are good and that Your plan for sex is the best. We trust You so much we're willing to show up on our wedding night as novices. No practice, no experience, just a desire to learn and to rejoice in the new discoveries we'll make."

But will we be compatible? If you love each other and you're willing to learn and gently respond to the desires of your lover, yes, you will be. Only selfishness and sin make two people sexually incompatible.

The Best Wedding Gifts

True love plans. Do you really care for each other? Than spend your courtship storing up passion and planning for thrilling, God-glorifying sex. The most important thing you can do during this time is to learn to think biblically about sex, to love

The effort will be more than worth it. Each time you feel as though you're
denying
yourselves, you're actually
blessing
yourselves. Each time you walk away from temptation and refuse to stoke the fires of passion prematurely, you're sending yourselves the best gifts you'll receive on the day of your wedding-gifts of trust and respect and increased passion.

// I I //

I Of

169

How You Can Face Past Sexual Sin and Experience God's Forgiveness

The past. Strange, isn't it? So much of what you want to remember fades like a dream. But what you
don't
want to remember? That can hang on for a lifetime. The memories and guilt of past sin chase you. Just when it seems that you've outrun them, they come knocking at your door-to remind, to taunt, to condemn.

The past knocked on Shannon's door almost as soon as we Started our relationship. Though she had lived a chaste life since becoming a Christian three years earlier, she had many regrets about choices she had made before her conversion. She had lost her virginity when she was fourteen. Throughout high school and college she was rarely without a boyfriend. She lived for the pleasure of the moment. She was careless, even reckless.

No
one tells you about the pain and regret at the end of it all,
she often thought. If only she'd known the consequences of her

Now the moment she had dreaded was upon her. She had to look me in the eyes and speak the words she knew would pierce me. "Please prepare Josh's heart for what I need to tell him," she pleaded to God in her journal. "Lord, if he decides he can't take me as his wife, help me to remember that You are my rock and my comfort. My past belongs to You."

Her eyes were filled with sadness the night she informed me that we needed to talk about what she described as "bad stuff."

"Can we talk now?" I asked.

"No," she said. "Let's wait till tomorrow."

I picked her up the next evening, and we drove to an offbeat restaurant in Bethesda called Thyme Square. Brightly colored vegetables were painted on the walls; the bread was served in flower pots. On any other night we would have enjoyed the unique surroundings, but that night our hearts were heavy

"I want you to know," she began, "that if you decide you need to end our relationship after you hear what I have to say, I won't hold it against you."

"Shannon-"

"No, I mean that," she said. A tear dripped off her nose. We were both quiet. The food arrived, but we hardly noticed. When the server came back to check on us, she raised her eyebrows at our untouched plates, and then, sensing our need for privacy, turned away

Shannon's tear-soaked napkin lay crumpled on the table in front of her. She opened her mouth to try again, but faltered and dropped her head. She just couldn't get it out. The task was too hard. The words were unbearably heavy, and she felt so weak.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

"It's all right," I said. "There's no rush."

We took our time that evening. The words eventually came. When Shannon told me that she wasn't a virgin, I assured her that it didn't change my feelings for her. I told her that although I had never had sex, I'd compromised my purity with girls in the past. I asked for her forgiveness too. We both shed tears.

The conversation was the beginning of a difficult journey of faith for us. Yet through it all, God sustained and guided us. If you're facing similar circumstances, I know that He can do the same for you.

Though it's painful, an important part of starting a new life with the person you love is working through the consequences of past choices. This doesn't mean that you have to dredge up every sordid detail, but it does mean that you need to honestly face the effect your past can have on your future. As the authors of
Preparing for Marriage
wisely state, "It is better to speak the truth prior to your marriage than to live with the fear, deceit, and shame that comes from hiding the truth from your mate."

Unless you are honest about past sin, you won't be able to understand the potential challenges you'll confront because of it. Neither will you be able to root yourselves firmly in the sustaining grace of God.

This chapter is about how Jesus' death on the cross enables us to face our past. It will help you to know God's forgiveness
personally
and to
extend
forgiveness to another.

So while in some ways this chapter is the saddest in this book, it's also the happiest. It deals with the heartbreaking effects of sin; but more importantly, it magnifies the love of our redeeming God-a God whose grace is greater than anything from our past. Although the following pages may bring up

Why the Cross?

"Have I spoiled Gods perfect plan for me?" nineteen-year-old Blaire asked in a handwritten note. After a difficult breakup, she had grown bitter towards God and rebelled against Him by sleeping with a guy she hardly knew. Now she was anguishing in the aftermath of her fornication. She had dashed her dream of being a virgin on her wedding night-she had robbed her future husband. Would any godly man want her now?

"I gave myself to someone I didn't even love!" she wrote. "Does God still want me in His kingdom? How can He use someone who is so impure? Does He still love me, even though I turned my back on Him, my family, and everything I was raised to believe? Is it too late for me?"

Can you relate to Blaires question? Do you carry regret over sin you've committed? Do you evdr wonder whether God can really forgive? And if He does, is it really sincere? Or will He always view you suspiciously? Are you on lifelong probation? Is God holding your past sin over you, ready to rain down judgment at the slightest mistake?

"I repented, and I know the Bible says that I'm forgiven," a guy named Tony told me. "But sometimes I think God is keeping me single to punish me for my sexual sin back in college. Every time a friend gets married, I feel like He's rubbing my face in it."

Is this how God works? No,
it's not.

Is God's forgiveness halfhearted? No, it isn't.

Are people who have sinned sexually forever condemned to second-class status in God's family?
Absolutely not!

The truth is that it's not too late for
anyone
who's ready to repent to be forgiven (1 John 1:9). God is in the business of making people new (2 Corinthians 5:17). He wants to give you "a hope and future" (Jeremiah 29:11). He wants you to be absolutely sure of His love for you. And that's why He bids you come and gaze on the Cross.

The Great Rescue

What does Jesus' death have to do with working through past sexual sin? How can a gruesome crucifixion that happened two thousand years ago help when your past comes knocking
today?

The answer is that the Cross is
God's
plan for freeing you from the guilt and punishment of your past sin. At the Cross we see both the depths of our depravity and the heights of God's amazing love for us. We witness both the terrifying intensity of God's just wrath for sin and His unspeakable mercy and love for sinners.

Why
the Cross?

Because sinners have no other hope.

Why the Cross?

Because it is the unassailable proof that we
can
be forgiven.

Let's gaze on it together. As we draw close, don't assume that you already know or understand what happened there. Come to the Cross as if for the first time. In the book When
God