Boy Meets Girl - Say Hello to Courtship (15 page)

Another way that community provides us with reality checks is by giving us real-life contexts in which to observe each other. One-on-one dates are great, but if they're the only setting in which two people interact, chances are that neither is getting an accurate picture of who the other person is.

This is why it's so helpful to get to know each other in the midst of community settings like family, friends, and church. You could call these our natural habitats. If you want to understand the true nature and character of a lion, don't go to the zoo-go to the plains of Africa! There you'll witness his real temperament, abilities, and behavior. In the same way, when we see each other in the real-life settings of community, we're much more likely to see who a person really is-the person he or she will revert to once the restraints of dating and courtship are past.

This is where spending time together with your families is so important. Some people mock this idea. They think it seems old-fashioned, even childish. But interacting with each other's parents gives a couple a much needed reality check. For example, don't assume that if the guy you're courting is disrespectful and rude to his mother, it's the exception and not the norm. The truth is that the way he's treating
you
right now is the exception-the way he acts around his family is who he really is. This principle also applies to how the other person

Inviting
Reality Checks

How do you embrace the reality checks that community can provide your relationship? One way is to make sure that your times together are balanced, with time alone and time with friends and family At the beginning of your relationship, it might be wise to give even more time to settings that involve other people.

Next, invite reality checks from as many different sources as possible. Don't wait for your friends, parents, or pastors to come to you with counsel about your courtship-you go to them. Who are the people in your life whose lives demonstrate wisdom? Whoever they are, seek them out and involve them. Ask for their perspective and prayer.

My friends Brian and Sarah, who live in Orlando, sought these kinds of reality checks from their parents and other godly couples in their church. Before they got engaged, they systematically scheduled dinners with five different married couples. With each one they asked, "What is your honest opinion of our relationship? Have you observed anything that concerns you? Would you advise us to continue towards marriage?" What were Brian and Sarah doing? They were seeking the perspective of husbands and wives they respected and who had observed their relationship up close.

Finally, don't ignore what the reality checks of community reveal. If an overwhelming number of trusted counselors have reservations about your relationship, you should take that very seriously. Don't assume that the problems or challenges they see will magically disappear because you get married.

In
Readers' Digest a.
mother told an amusing story that illustrates how community can provide protection in relationships. One evening this woman and her husband went with friends to the restaurant where their teenage daughter, Misty, was working as a waitress. A man at a nearby table, who was probably fifteen years older than Misty, began flirting with her. She ignored his request for her phone number, but he persisted. Finally she stopped what she was doing and leveled her gaze at him. "Do you see that man?" she said, motioning toward her father. The patron turned in her parent's direction. "That's my dad," Misty continued. "We have the same phone number. If you want it, get it from him."

While the story is humorous, I think that the principle behind it is very serious. I believe that every girl should have a godly man in her life to whom she can point prospective suitors (good or bad) and say, "If you're interested in
me,
talk to him!" We need community because we need protection.

While I am aware of cases where men need to be protected from dangerous women, I make this point primarily to emphasize the importance of protecting the woman in the relationship. Today the most heartbreaking consequence of the lack of community involvement in relationships is that women are increasingly vulnerable. Look around at the date rape and the emotional and physical abuse women suffer. Where are the fathers? Where are the brothers? Where are the godly men who take up those roles for the fatherless?

One of the great privileges of godly manhood is providing protection for women. As we talked about in chapter 7, this isn't a demonstration of our superiority, but an expression of our God-given role as servant protectors and leaders. Earlier I shared how my friend Kerrin met with Megan's father, Bob, to

Ladies, despite what you may have experienced at the hands of your earthly father, know that this is the heart of your heavenly Father for you. You were never meant to be unprotected. I'm sorry that many of you have never had a Christian father like this to care for you. I'm sorry that negligence on the part of men has left you vulnerable to mistreatment and abuse. I'm sorry that you've had to assume the masculine traits necessary to fight for yourself and be your own protector.

That isn't God's plan-it's the consequence of our sin and disobedience. Jesus came to reverse the effects of sin. Part of the reason He's given us the local church is to give fathers to the fatherless. God has given us the local church to be the spiritual family that can fill in where our natural family is lacking. My friend Karen lost her father to cancer when she was twenty-six. When she started a courtship with Alex, she asked her brother-in-law, Tom, who was also a member of her church, to play the part of protector.

"If Tom weren't in the picture, it would just be Alex and I," Karen says. "The truth is that I don't completely trust myself. I really need Tom's counsel. I need a buffer between Alex and my emotions. I need someone to challenge my perspective as well as to stand up for me."

134JoshuaHarris

Inviting
Protection

Let me encourage you to take the steps necessary to invite the protection that community can give your courtship.

If the girl you're interested in has a Christian father, he should be the first person you schedule a meeting with. Getting his permission to pursue a relationship with his daughter will honor him and help protect her. Gratefully acknowledge his authority and leadership in her life. Make your case for a courtship and trust that God will work through him for your good. Don't try to undermine his leadership-honor it even if it means waiting longer or doing things differently than you had planned.

If, as the woman in the relationship, you have a godly father (even if you're not living at home), I encourage you to involve him in this part of your life. Talk to him and your mom about the kind of husband you're praying for. Get their counsel. Draft your dad as your personal "boy screener." Let him know who's on your list of possibilities and whom he can politely decline.

You might be thinking,
But this doesn't work in my situation!
I understand, and I hope you see the
principle
involved. Different people will apply it differently in their lives.

For example, I didn't talk to Shannon's dad before I told her of my interest in her. She wasn't living at home, and though she has a wonderful father, he wasn't a Christian or providing spiritual leadership in her life. I knew that calling him to get permission for a courtship would be more confusing than helpful.

So instead, I talked to Shannon's pastor, as well as two other married couples from our church who were close to her. I made sure that they didn't have concerns about me or the timing of a relationship. Only after getting their encouragement did I talk to Shannon.

Then 1 called both Shannon's parents the following day to

I

Do you see the principle at work in our situation? I was inviting the protection of the godly men and women who cared for Shannon spiritually, and I was honoring the father and mother who had raised her. We don't all have the perfect family situation, but we can all apply this principle in some form.

3. Community provides accountability.

Christian accountability is inviting others to help us live by what we know is right. It's asking them to challenge, to inquire, and to question us so that our actions line up with our convictions.

The Bible is packed with reminders of the reality of indwelling sin. Jeremiah 17:9 says, "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" In 1 John 1:8 we're told, "If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us."

The fact that our own hearts will betray us points us to our great need for fellow Christians to help us fight the fight of faith and resist sin. That's the reason Steve and Jamie, who are both in their late thirties, asked for accountability from Walt and Brenda, the older married couple who lead their home group. Even though Steve and Jamie are both single parents who have been married before, they wanted to be serious about sexual purity.

"When you've been married and have three kids, it's easy to think that guarding yourself against sexual sin isn't that important," Jamie says. "You can think to yourself, Hey, I'm
a big girl

Steve agrees. "I need help to guard my thought life. I want to be pure in my courtship with Jamie. Knowing that Walt will ask 'Hows your behavior?' every Sunday gives me extra motivation."

Accountability is important for more than just maintaining sexual purity. The balancing act of growing and guarding that we discussed in chapter 5 is another area where others can help. Your parents, friends, or pastor can ask you how you're doing at guarding your communication and expressions of romance.

1 encourage you to be accountable together to a married couple (ideally your parents) as well as separately to individuals. The couple you're accountable to should be a husband and wife you respect and who are willing to challenge and confront both of you when necessary. The person you're accountable to individually should be a godly man or woman of your own gender with whom you can talk easily and frequently and who is strong in the areas where you're weak. After all, accountability isn't helpful when the one who's holding you accountable is sinning in all the same ways you are!

This Isn't Arranged Marriage

Just as no courtship should be disconnected from the involvement of others, neither should it be controlled or manipulated by other people. A biblical attitude is one that humbly seeks the help of others. But this doesn't mean that we should rely on others to make the final decision about whom and when we marry. The very serious and binding commitment of marriage is something that only we can live out and stand by in the years to come. And for this reason no one-not parents, pastors, or

While many singles lack Christian parents, others have them but are confused about how much say they should have in courtship and marriage. I've come across some very sad stories of parents who manipulated and tried to control their children in courtship. This is wrong and unbiblical.

What principle can guide us in these questions? The Bible makes it clear that a dependent child is called to obey his parents as long as they're not asking him to disobey God (Ephesians 6:1). When we reach adulthood, we are no longer commanded to obey them, but we are called to honor them (Exodus 20:12). This means that we need to respect their counsel and consider it carefully.

Obviously our respect for their counsel also depends on the holiness and integrity of their lives. God has blessed me with a father and mother who have served God and been faithfully married to each other for over twenty-five years. For me, their counsel carries a lot of weight. They never told me what to do in my courtship with Shannon, but they were my most trusted counselors. And because they were humble and cared for me, they also encouraged me to seek the counsel of others.

Proverbs 15:22 says, "Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed." The decision of whom you marry should involve
many
counselors. If your parents are godly and the fruit of their lives demonstrates wisdom, they should be at the top of your list of counselors. But this doesn't mean that their perspective should be the deciding one for you. You should also pursue the advice of other wise counselors and form your own conviction before God.

In my own life the care and oversight my pastors gave me