Boy Meets Girl - Say Hello to Courtship (16 page)

Sharing Joy

Gods plan for community in courtship is not about smothering your happiness. It's about multiplying your joy! Doesn't a sunset that you're able to marvel at with a friend seem even more beautiful than the one you watch alone? When we share something with others, we increase our own enjoyment. This is one of the sweetest motivations for embracing the involvement of your family and your local church in courtship.

When you're growing in your love for someone, it's wonderful to watch your friends and family falling in love with that person too. You'll see this joyful experience unfolding for Megan in the following excerpt from her journal. She wrote this four months into her relationship with Kerrin (and a month before he proposed):

Christmas is here. Yesterday we cut down our tree; today did some more shopping-me, Kerrin, and Chelsea. What a uniquely exciting time it is this year. Kerrin adds a whole new dimension to our family. Last night was this "moment"-decorating the tree with carols playing in the background, the family, and Kerrin.

Out of all the unexpected surprises in this season, the best is the inclusion of Kerrin in our family. It brings me such pleasure to see him embraced in our family. To see

I didn't expect this to happen. I guess in my selfishness, I never really thought about this aspect of our relationship. How grateful I am for the time he's invested in our family so that they can grow to love him like I do. I love our times alone, but when I think of our times with the family-playing cards, watching movies, Starbucks, games, talking, laughing-I wouldn't trade a thousand date nights for those special moments.

Why do we need community for a successful courtship? Because we really do need one another.

We need to be reminded of reality.

We need protection.

We need help to be and do what we believe.

Thank God we're not alone. Jesus has bought our freedom by His death and resurrection. He's reconciled us to Himself, and He's reconciled us to each other. We're family-brothers and sisters.

Why do we need community? Because like a good wedding, courtship is meant to be a shared celebration.

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How to Be Passionately in Love and Sexually Pure

Who are you kidding?" I shifted slightly, shut my eyes, and tried to ignore the voice.

"You're not fooling anyone," it said again.

Still I didn't answer. Maybe he would go away. Give up.

Shannon and I had gotten engaged two months earlier. We'd come to visit her mother, Mitzi, at her Ocean City beach house. It was a well-deserved break from wedding planning and work. Didn't my conscience need a break too? He'd been working overtime these past few months. Couldn't he ease up a little? Relax?

"This is ridiculous, Josh," he said again, undeterred. "You know this is wrong." Evidently he didn't do vacations.

He was right. I knew he was right, but I was too stubborn to admit it. It had been my idea for Shannon and I to take an afternoon nap in the outdoor hammock. As soon as I suggested

Chill out,
I said to him as Shannon and I grabbed two pillows and headed to the hammock hanging between two trees.
Have you ever heard of Christian freedom?
1 continued testily.
We're engaged, all right? This is innocent. "To the pure all things are pure."

"Don't quote Scripture to me, Bucko!" he yelled. "Would you do this if your pastor were here? Would you put this in a book? Would you write, 'As you strive for purity, snuggle up together for a nap in a hammock'?"

I am not a legalist,
I shot back as and Shannon and I steadied the swaying contraption, climbed in, and lay down with our heads at opposite ends. I
will not live my life by other people's standards,
I told my conscience.
I feel a peace about doing this.

"If you feel such peace about it, why are you arguing with me?"

Good question. I didn't have an answer, so I decided to try the silent method and ignore him. I kept picturing Jiminy Cricket hounding Pinocchio. If my conscience had been a cricket at that moment, I probably would have squashed him.

I just didn't want to deal with it. Good grief, Shannon and I were already very, very pure physically We'd made the commitment not to kiss till our wedding day. The most we did as an
engaged
couple was hold hands or put our arms around each other. So, yes, we were lying in a hammock together. So what? Yes, our bodies were rather close. Yes, we were sort of wedged up against each other. And, yes, it was sensual, and it was turning me on. But darn it, I would not be ruled by legalism!

"Stop looking at her legs, Josh," my conscience said. "Your half-open eyelids don't fool me."

"You're lusting."

Well, she is going to be my wife in four months.

"Well, she's not your wife today."

God does not want me to stifle my sexuality!

"Stifle, no. Control for the sake of righteousness, yes."

Why
does everything have to be such a big deal?

"Let me ask you one more question, and then I'll leave you alone."

What?

"If Jesus Christ-the one who blessed you with your sexuality and brought this girl into your life, the one who sacrificed His life to redeem you and set you apart for holiness-if He were to walk up and lay His nail-scarred hand on this hammock, would you be proud of what you're doing?"

I was silent.

"Josh?"

I'm
getting out.

I swung my legs over the side of the hammock and tumbled out.

"Something wrong?" Shannon asked, startled by my sudden departure.

"I shouldn't be in this with you," I said. "I'm sorry, but I'm enjoying this for the wrong reasons. I'm sorry I suggested it. I need to take a walk."

"Okay" she said and smiled. She was unaware of the heated debate that had been raging at the other end of the hammock.

"I love you," she called after me.

"I love you, too," I said. I really did love her. And that's why I walked away

"Among you," God tells His children, "there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity" (Ephesians 5:3). It's because of clear commands like this and the reality of our God-given sexual appetites that we face "hammock" moments-moments when we must choose between what our bodies crave and what we know our Lord has instructed.

The temptation may be as seemingly innocent as deciding when to kiss, or as serious as choosing when to sleep together. Whatever it is, the internal struggle is the same. The question boils down to whom will you believe? Will you heed the clear commands of Scripture and the voice of your conscience, or the voice of compromise that's offering immediate pleasure? What's
really
going to make you happy?

We all know how we're
supposed
to answer, but when our desire kicks in, doing what's right isn't easy. In the heat of passion, we need more than just knowledge about sexual purity. To stand firm against sin, we can't simply intellectually agree with the merits of chastity. We must be
captivated
by the beauty and greater pleasure of God's way. This involves
agreeing
with God about the goodness of pure sex within marriage,
refusing
the counterfeits offered by the world, and
fearing
the consequences of illicit sex.

Being captivated by God's way won't happen by accident- it requires purposeful effort before marriage. Author Ken Myers once told me, "True love doesn't just wait; it plans." He's right. While we're single or in a courtship, we need to do more than just avoid what's wrong-we need to plan and work hard at being captivated by the good. In this chapter we're going to look at how during courtship and engagement you can be

Worship in Bed

God celebrates pure sex within marriage. He invites us to do the same. "What more divine gift of celebration do we have than lovemaking?" asks Douglas Jones. He writes that the marriage bed should not "merely be a place of satisfying natural urges, but a place for delighting in the mysterious beauty of those drives. Why did God delight to entrance us with smooth skin, soft breasts, firm muscles, entangled legs, and slow kisses?"

Why did God delight to make us so? The answer is for our enjoyment and His glory. Because He's very, very good. He could have made the means by which we procreate as brief and boring as sneezing. Instead, He gave it more sizzle than the Fourth of July. And when a husband and wife revel in and thank God for the gift of sex, they glorify Him. Their loveaking becomes a jubilant, two-person worship service!

To plan ahead for a great sex life, we have to realize that the message of Scripture is not for us to disdain sex, but to love God's original design so much that we see the world's perversions of it as revolting. "Enjoy pure sex!" God practically shouts in Proverbs 5:18-19: "May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.... may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love."

There's that word again-
captivated.
It means to be
amazed
by and taken prisoner by the beauty of something. "Be captivated, be ravished by the body of your spouse," God tells us. "Be entranced by the true and lasting pleasure of the marriage bed."

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Only when we're captivated by the goodness of God's plan can we avoid becoming prisoners to immorality. We can either be captives of righteousness or captives of sin. "The evil deeds of a wicked man ensnare him; the cords of his sin hold him fast" (Proverbs 5:22). The man and woman who embrace the immediate pleasure of sex outside of marriage may think that they are experiencing freedom, but the opposite is true-the tentacles of sin are reaching up, binding them, and dragging them towards death.

What will we choose? God urges us to choose life and true pleasure:

Drink water from your own well--share your love only with your wife. Why spill the water of your springs in public, having sex with just anyone? You should reserve it for yourselves. Don't share it with strangers.... Why be captivated, my son, with an immoral woman, or embrace the breasts of an adulterous woman? (Proverbs 5:15-17, 20, nlt)

Scripture doesn't deny the pleasure of illicit sex-yes, it will feel good; yes, it can be exciting. But its pleasure is empty compared to the joys of married love and foolish in light of the dire consequences that visit soul, body, and emotions. "Within marriage, sex is beautiful, fulfilling, creative," writes John MacArthur. "Outside of marriage, it is ugly, destructive and damning."

What's the payoff of sexual sin? "You will lose your honor and hand over to merciless people everything you have achieved in life. Strangers will obtain your wealth, and someone else will enjoy the fruit of your labor. Afterward you will