Breaking the Rules: The Honeybees, book 1 (20 page)

“You’re right,” I said to Caroline and Olivia. “No one actually has complete control over their lives. Maybe it’s better to live a little and enjoy it rather than trying to control all the details that are impossible to control anyway.”

Olivia laughed, pointing at the dance floor. “Hannah would certainly agree with you on that.” Out on the dance floor, Hannah’s shiny hair was shaking as she danced with guy after guy, looking as though she was having the time of her life—or maybe just sizing them up to figure out which she wanted to take home with her that night.

“I miss Devin,” I said. “And Taco.” Olivia put a sympathetic hand on my knee. And at that moment, I realized just how true it was. I missed those two like crazy, more than I’d ever missed anyone in my life. And I knew, suddenly, without any doubt, that I wanted them back. They were worth fighting for, worth the chaos and messiness that they sometimes brought. Worth the occasional broken leg. Worth missing the marathon, even.

I’d trade all of my rules for another chance with that man and his dog.
The thought appeared fully formed in my brain, forceful, and I knew it was true. I had to do whatever it took to let Devin know that he was the most important thing in my life, more important than feeling stable and settled.
 

“I need to find him,” I said out loud. “I need to tell him that I want him back.” I glanced at my watch. Almost eleven o’clock already! Devin would definitely be in bed by now, fast asleep.

“Do it!” Caroline said. “He sounds great.”

“And it seems like you’re really good for each other,” Olivia added with a smile. “When you’re not breaking your leg, that is.”

“Yeah,” I said slowly. “I didn’t think so, but now…you’re right. We are.”

Rachel came to sit with us too, and then it was just Hannah out on the dance floor, inexhaustible. I wanted to find Devin right away, didn’t want another day to pass without us being together. Now that I’d made up my mind, every minute that I had to wait to talk to him hurt.

I would find him first thing in the morning, I decided. I’d go to his apartment, find him as he was leaving for the marathon. I knew I should wait until afterward, but I just didn’t think I could. Besides, this was something we were supposed to do together, and I wanted him to know that I was there in spirit, supporting him, cheering him on. I’d tell him I loved him and wanted to be with him.
 

I didn’t know if he would listen. But I would never be able to forgive myself if I didn’t try.

CHAPTER 8

My alarm went off at five that morning. I’d only slept for three hours, yet the moment I heard it I was wide awake.

Devin.
It was time to find Devin.
 

Taking a deep breath, I bounded out of bed, almost forgetting about my leg but catching myself just in time. Okay. Devin’s heat started at 7:25, so I by the time I was dressed and out the door, I’d have two hours to find him and declare my love before he’d be off and running.

Not bothering to eat anything, I took the bus to Devin’s apartment.
Come on, come on
, I thought.
Faster!
A few blocks from my stop, the driver parked, stood up, and announced, “This is where I leave you all. Looks like the next driver isn’t here yet, but sit tight and I’m sure she’ll be here soon.” Then he lumbered off the bus. We sat. We waited.
 

I nervously twiddled my thumbs and checked the time on my phone for the umpteenth time. The minutes were ticking by. I didn’t have time to waste. If I was going to find Devin, I’d need to take matters into my own hands.
 

Grabbing my crutches, I got off the bus and started down the street toward Devin’s apartment building. Now that I was determined to find him, it couldn’t come soon enough. I had to catch him before he left for the marathon! I was almost running now on my three legs, one real, two made of wood and metal.

Outside his building, I stopped. I wasn’t even out of breath, though I’d been moving pretty fast. I looked up toward his window, as though I’d be able to see him, which of course I couldn’t. Was he still here?
 

Devin parked in the small garage next to the building, I knew. I’d need to find his parking space and figure out whether he’d left for the marathon already. I climbed the stairs to the third floor of the garage, where his designated spot was. On crutches, the climb felt endless. I looked for his car. Not there.
 

He had already left.

My heart lurched. I couldn’t wait until afterward to find him, I just couldn’t. I needed him to run knowing that I was thinking about him and cheering him on every step of the way.
 

I’d have to go to the starting line and search for him there. There would be thousands of people there, and I knew the odds of finding him were slim. But I had to try.
 

I took the BART to the start point, which was obvious as I got closer and the crowd got thicker. Streets were closed for the marathon, and many fit-looking people walking past me had on runners’ bibs with their number on them.
That should be me
, I thought, though for the first time the feeling didn’t come with any resentment toward Devin.
 

It will be me
, I thought instead.
One day it will still be me. Maybe next year.
 

I made my way through the crowd on my crutches, trying not to step on any toes or get knocked over by the tightly packed people. Finally I got near the starting line. I heard a gun go off, and heard onlookers cheering as a group of runners headed out on their run. The excitement in the crowd was contagious, and it only intensified my need to find Devin.
 

Devin, Devin, Devin. He was all I could think about. He was all I wanted.
 

A curly male head appeared in my field of vision. Devin! I started toward him. But when the guy turned to say something to his friend next to him, I saw that I’d been mistaken. It wasn’t Devin.
 

Deflated, I kept searching.
 

“Ouch!” someone cried as I hit someone’s calf with a crutch.
 

“Sorry!” I said, and kept moving.
 

Another group of runners started, and I began to lose hope. There were just too many people out here. I’d never find him. And his group would be starting very soon.
 

And then, there he was. He stood out to me in the crowd like a god, stretching and joking around with the runners around him. I didn’t see anyone from our training group, but Devin could make friends with anyone. My heart warmed instantly at the sight. I wanted to go over and hug him, kiss him, tell him I loved him. But I didn’t know how he would respond. I didn’t know how he was feeling about me. Had he moved on already? Did he never want to see me again?

The crowd between us was even thicker than what I’d been making my way through. It was virtually impassible. He was only twenty feet away, yet I wasn’t sure I could reach him in time.
 

“Devin!” I yelled. “Devin!”
 

I thought he’d heard me, but he was only turning to speak to someone again, that goofy grin I knew and loved plastered on his face. Unlike all the early mornings when he’d shown up at training half asleep, he seemed wide awake now.

I inched forward. “Devin!”

And then, miraculously, he turned. He squinted. “Sophie?” I saw his mouth form my name in surprise. It was only five minutes until he was supposed to start running.
 

Devin pushed his way toward me through the crowd, and finally, we met. The shock was clear on his face. “What are you doing here?” he asked.
 

I took a deep breath. “I’m being spontaneous,” I said. “Devin, I’m sorry for doing this right before you’re going to run, but I realized something last night, and I need to tell you. I love you. I want to be with you. And I couldn’t stand the thought of you running the marathon without knowing how I feel about you and without knowing that I’m going to be there with you, in spirit, every step of the way. I’m going to be rooting for you and thinking about you the entire time you’re out there, and I can’t wait to see you at the finish line.”

He stared at me, his face unreadable.
 

“I love you,” I said again. “You and Taco both. I want you both to be in my life. I don’t care about anything else. I don’t know what you’re thinking or how you’re feeling about me right now, but I needed you to know. And…I’d like you to consider moving in with me when your lease is up. That way the three of us can be together, and we won’t have to keep shuffling Taco back and forth between our houses. We can be a little family together.”

I took another deep breath, feeling nervous about what he’d say in return but satisfied that I’d said my piece, done what I could.
 

“Sophie…” he said. He reached out to touch my arm, and I thought for a moment he was going to give me a hug and we’d be back to normal right away. “Sophie, I don’t know.” There was pain in his eyes. “I hurt you. The last thing I ever wanted to do. I kept you from running. I love you, but…I don’t know if you should forgive me. I don’t know if I can forgive myself.”

I felt myself shrink. Devin wasn’t sure if he wanted to be with me.
 

It’s okay
, I told myself.
You knew this might happen.

“I forgive you,” I said. “I love you. And it wasn’t your fault—certainly no more your fault than mine. I agreed to go skydiving.”

He shook his head. “But I was the one in control, and I hurt you.”

“It’s okay,” I told him. “It’ll heal. But I don’t know if my heart will, if you don’t want to be with me.” I put a hand on his arm, and looked into his eyes. “But it’s your decision, not mine. Take your time. But in the meantime, I’ll be there cheering you on and I’ll be there waiting for you at the finish line.”

He nodded, looking away from me. “I have to go.”

“I know.”

I watched him retreat as he made his way back to the starting line and get in position. With only a few seconds to go, he glanced back at me, and I waved one last time. Then the starting pistol sounded and he was off.
 

I watched until I couldn’t see him anymore, his bouncing hair disappearing into the crowd of runners. I’d tried. Now all I could do was wait.
 

Well, maybe I could do one other thing.

I headed to the craft store where I’d bought popsicle sticks for my students so many months earlier, the night of our first kiss at Baker Beach. The store was just opening when I got there. This time I headed for the poster board, paints, and glitter. I was going to make a sign cheering for him, and I was going to go all out.
 

Devin had been expecting to finish the marathon in about five hours, so I had time, but not forever. Checking the bus schedule, I decided there wasn’t enough time to go home.
 

And then I knew: the park. The same park where I’d gone with Taco the night I’d found him, the night Matt had dumped me, was only a few blocks away. I could spread out on one of the benches there and make my poster. Better yet, the marathon passed right by the park about halfway through. I knew the route by heart, so I knew just about when to expect him.

Finding a picnic table on the side away from the marathon, I spread out the materials I’d bought, then shoved a hand into my jacket pocket while I considered how to proceed. A piece of crumpled paper was in the bottom of the pocket, and I pulled it out. Probably the receipt, I thought, intending to throw it out.

But no. It was my list of rules for getting my life back on track. Just days earlier, when I’d looked at this list, I’d thought I was such a failure. Now, spreading it out on the table in front of me, I read the list one more time.

Sophie’s Rules for Getting Life Back on Track Before the Reunion

1. Join a group and make new friends.
 

2. Get healthy.
 

3. Start a new hobby.
 

4. Always be working toward a goal.
 

Before the reunion, I’d thought I’d failed on every one of these goals. But reading it again now with the new perspective I’d gained by seeing my old classmates and realizing they weren’t all as accomplished and settled as I’d expected them to be, I had a very different take.
 

I’d made new friends. Maybe not at the marathon training sessions like I’d planned, but in the past few months I’d reconnected with the Honeybees, and now we even had plans to get together for a pizza night the following weekend. Technically, they weren’t new friends, but resurrecting these old friendships from so many years ago sure did feel good.
 

I’d gotten healthy. Maybe I hadn’t lost the weight I’d been hoping to lose, but when I’d been rushing around trying to find Devin, I’d been practically running and I hadn’t even gotten out of breath. There was no doubt at all that training for the marathon had gotten me in better shape.
 

I’d started a new hobby. Sure, I couldn’t run right now, but in a few weeks, I’d get the cast taken off and I could keep running. A break didn’t mean the hobby was lost forever.
 

And I’d worked toward a goal. Just because I couldn’t actually run in the marathon didn’t mean that I hadn’t worked toward it. I’d gone to almost every training session. I’d worked hard. And as I’d promised myself this morning, one day I would still run a marathon. The goal wasn’t dead. I could still achieve it, and I was so much closer, even now, with a broken leg, than I’d been when I’d started.
 

I’d accomplished everything on the list that I’d set out to do. According to the rules I’d set out for myself back in September, I’d gotten my life back on track. Maybe it didn’t look exactly like I’d thought it would when I was writing this list, here in this very park, but I’d done it.
 

Except that now I knew that my life would still be in constant flux. It seemed crazy to me now that I’d ever thought I could make my life settled, ever be “on track” or not. Olivia was right, I thought: I was moving forward, even if the path didn’t look how I’d expected it to.