BreakMeIn (6 page)

“I can’t tonight. I’ve got to work in order to make up for missing
today.”

“I’m sorry.” He felt opportunity slipping through his
fingers. He wasn’t ready to give up just yet. “How about tomorrow instead?”

She licked her lips, obviously thinking it over. “I’ve got
meetings all week. It will have to be next weekend. But this conversation is
done. I don’t think I can be the savior you want me to be, Alex. I can’t be the
one who holds your hand. But I also don’t think you should go into this
blindly. And I think you have some other things in your life that you need to
work on as well.”

Recognizing he needed to take any slice of her assistance he
could get, he nodded. “Thank you.”

Elena drew in a breath, the cold winter air stinging her
lungs. Good. It reminded her she actually stood outside Alex’s door,
contemplating what her next move would be. This had to be the craziest thought
she’d ever had. It wasn’t as if she hadn’t been over his house countless times,
but this very moment was different.

Something between them had changed because he knew.

And he wanted in.

“Why did I agree to this again?” she murmured quietly as she
pulled her coat tightly around her. She could stand in front of a crowd of
people, suited in white leather and work with a submissive, but the thought of
stepping through Alex’s front door in the next few minutes petrified her.

She could still change her mind. A quick glance at her watch
indicated she was twelve minutes early. Enough time she could turn around, get
in the car, drive away and deliver the obligatory apologies from her cell
phone.

He seemed so determined to find out more about himself. As
much as she wanted to give him a piece of his life back—she couldn’t. At least
not in the capacity he wanted. She was too close to the heart of the matter.
And Alex obviously had some darkness to deal with. She was already hesitant to
show him in the first place. Add in the alcohol and the warning signs beckoned
for her to steer clear. Exactly why she refused to be a Domme for him.

The incident the other night was first in a long string of
what she suspected was many drinking binges. He hadn’t said anything and was
doing a fine job of keeping a low profile with the growing habit, but she had
her suspicions that night hadn’t been a one-time event.

He probably thought the alcohol numbed the pain. And who
could blame him? He had to have one hell of a broken spirit right now. But he’d
reached a point with his drinking where he not only affected himself, but those
who also loved him. The last thing he needed was to show up at the coffeehouse
on a bender. He could burn the place down—something she knew he would never
forgive himself for. A niggling in the back of her mind poked at her to say
something. And this was the perfect opportunity in which to engage him in a
very forthright conversation where she would have his full attention.

“Hey there. Going to stand out here and freeze?” Looking up,
she found him standing on the porch, a bottle of beer in his hand. It appeared
as though he hadn’t shaved since the night of the engagement party. Possibly
hadn’t even taken a shower given the unkempt appearance of his hair. She’d
thought he’d looked sick at Perfect Shot, but this…
this
was nearing
critical mass. “Come on in out of the cold. Dinner’s just about ready.”

The scent of lasagna drifted on the cold air as Alex held
the door open wider in offering. Just as he’d done countless times before and,
more than likely, just as innocently. He was blind to the issue.

Does he even know how much he’s drinking?

She shrugged off her coat to hang it on the cherry-stained
coat tree standing inside the door. She’d been here when his mother had given
it to him as a housewarming present a few months ago. A new start for a new
life.

“Chilly out tonight. Forecasters say we have another storm
headed this way. One right on its heels too.”

“Wait five minutes, they’ll change their minds.”

Alex tilted his head in agreement at the old joke about the
inconsistencies of Virginia weather and gestured for her to follow. “Opened a
bottle of red wine about twenty minutes ago to let it breathe. Want to pour
while I serve?”

She hesitated at the kitchen door, glaring at the seemingly
never-ending line of amber bottles lining the counter beside the sink.
Evidently the beer in his hand wasn’t the first of the night. It appeared as
though he’d spent the entire day working his way through a twelve pack.

Or three.

The realization things had gotten a bit out of hand
propelled her forward. Suspicions confirmed about his drinking habits, she
poured a glass of wine and re-corked it without filling the second glass he’d
set out.

He raised an eyebrow at her omission, but remained quiet.
She sipped as she watched him cut precise slices from the lasagna that appeared
to have seen better days. The wine slid smoothly across her tongue with a rich
bouquet she would have enjoyed if a heavy layer of tension wasn’t boiling her
blood. She swallowed, focusing on the fact she needed to remain calm.

“Ready for your brother to come home? Hear about all the
stories about their adventure?”

“God, I hope not.”

She cringed at the thought of how hard the blatant display
of love had to be on him. “It has to be a painful reminder.”

“What?” Alex shook his head as he licked a stray drop of
sauce from his finger. “Oh no, I just meant I suspect the majority of their
stories will be how much they
didn’t
get to see.” He smiled and gestured
with his elbow toward her as he started to walk out of the room. “Grab the
bottle of wine, will you? Thought we’d pull up the coffee table and watch a
movie with dinner.”

“Sounds great.” She clutched her wine, slowly counting to
ten. The need to talk to Alex before things really got out of hand churned in
her gut. She would be angry with herself if she didn’t say anything. She’d
known him for too long, respected him too much, to keep silent.

It was all just a matter of timing so he didn’t feel as
though she was attacking him. If he was her submissive she would have taken him
over her knee and left a lasting impression. But such discipline wasn’t the
kind of care Alex needed.

She wove her way around the wide couch and kicked off her
shoes before kneeling at the low coffee table situated in front of the huge
flat-screen television. “What sort of bloodshed-and-testosterone-laden film
will we be enjoying this evening?”

“
Die Hard
.”

She nearly snorted. “One of my favorites.” She meant it too.
The more disaster on the screen, the more likely she was to kick back and
forget the world for a few hours. Chick flicks had never been her thing. Though
she held a special place in her heart for a few titles, she’d take a bunch of
explosions over lovesick heroines any day.

Alex nudged a movie case and a bottle of tequila toward her.
“I have
Rambo
for later if you want to do some shots.”

“Last time we did I woke up in the bathtub still in my
clothes with the shower running.”
And more liquor is the last thing you
need.
“No thanks. I’d rather keep my wits about me this evening.”

The movie began and they both dug into the meal Alex had
prepared. The noodles were rubbery, the meat dry and overdone. He’d never
claimed to be a world-class cook, but the food he’d prepared before had always
been above subpar. What he’d served tonight was barely even edible.

Appetite diminished, she curled her legs under her as she
turned her body slightly to face him. Though she kept her eyes on the screen,
she kept up the running commentary with him about the movie they’d watched
together countless times. They’d always found pleasure in dissecting a few
inconsistencies with the plot and characters.

“Refill?” She held out her wineglass as he gestured toward
her. His hand closed around hers to hold the glass steady and Elena tried not
to notice the fact her nerves jumped at the contact of their skins.

What the hell was wrong with her?

Alex’s eyes flashed in the glow of the television set and
before she knew it, his hand slid under her hair as he reached around and
cupped her nape. The contact made her eye flutter closed even as warning bells
went off in her mind.

She couldn’t do this. They couldn’t do this. Whatever
this
was.

But his touch felt so damn good. Especially because she’d
been waiting for it for what seemed like eternity. She may not be able to give
him the lessons he’d asked her for, but this was something entirely different.

This sort of simple contact was something she could
surrender to.

Even though it was so, so wrong.

“Alex.”

His mouth brushed gently against hers, stealing his name
from her lips. Butterflies erupted in her stomach, fluttering as if they’d been
suddenly released after years of captivity. In essence, they had.

His fingertips pulled at her neck and she automatically
lifted her face as he kissed her with more persistence. She didn’t even care he
tasted of alcohol. It had been so long since she’d let someone else kiss her instead
of the other way around.

Kissing was normally too intimate and not something she
involved in her play at the club. Or even at Sanctuary. Those places were for
sex, but this, two people mouth-to-mouth, was tender, soft and full of meaning.

One little kiss couldn’t hurt, right?

A quiet moan escaped her throat as Alex shifted and her body
responded in kind, feeling the luxurious stroke of his tongue against her lips.
She gave in to him and opened without thought to consequence. His low moan
filled the air and awakened something deep in her core.

Loud gunfire and explosions emitted from the television, but
Elena only worried about the inferno in her own body. Alex gave a low growl as
her legs shifted around his hips, as her feet pushed against his thighs to pull
him closer. The feel of his erection against the valley between her thighs
suddenly ignited the moment and caused everything to turn flashpoint.

They both fought with the Perfect Shot polo as if they
couldn’t remove it fast enough. The hard work was worth the effort as he
finally pulled it over his head. Bruce Willis delivered those famous lines on
the screen as Alex tossed aside the shirt and reached for her, pressing his
mouth against hers again as he pinned her under his body.

“You taste so good. Better than I ever imagined.” His
skillful tongue slid between her lips, one of his fingers nudging firmly
against her pussy as her surroundings hazed. “Don’t you need your leathers? A
flogger? Maybe something…else?”

The questions broke through the fuzziness and froze the
molten heat burning through her. What had once been a free-flowing lava stream
now became a barren desert in the Arctic. The weight of it painfully clenched
her chest, and her lungs burned from the lack of oxygen as she held her breath.

What the fuck had she been thinking?

Reality crashed on her, reminding her she’d just done
exactly what she said she wouldn’t do. She let her pussy get the best of her.
Something she never, ever did. She pushed hard against his shoulders, flipping
their position. Keeping her knees pinned against his shoulders, she leaned
closer.

The overwhelming stench of alcohol hit her hard, stealing
her breath. She never wanted to get used to that odor. Getting used to it mean
she accepted his drinking. And if there was one thing she didn’t want to have
it was complacency with Alex’s alcoholism.

“Elena?”

“This was a mistake,” she answered tersely. “A huge one. I
shouldn’t have come. Jesus, what was I thinking? This. Us. Whatever. It was a
mistake. A big one. I knew and I let it happen anyway. You need to get your
life together and figure out a few things before you try to figure out what you
want sexually.”

“I need you to show me, Elena. I already told you.”

“No. You want a fuck buddy who dominates you and that’s not
what I do. Not even close.”

“I don’t know what you’re—”

“Bullshit. You know exactly what I’m talking about.” Screw
it, she was done holding her tongue. “You’re using alcohol as a crutch. Using
it to mask your pain. Maybe it will take you waking up a few times in a pool of
your own vomit to realize what I see right now. Do you have any idea what
you’re doing to yourself? To those who love and care about you?”

Alex’s lips twisted, his body going lax. “Why should I care?
I’ve seen how people who say they love me treat my emotions.”

“Not everyone is Vivian, Alex. Not everyone is as selfish as
she is.”

“So I’m not allowed to be selfish once in my life?”

The hatred flowing through his eyes pained her. She wanted
him to be able to comprehend even just a small portion of what she was going
through watching him. “You’re being destructive—not selfish. Big fucking
difference.” She slid her hand over her jaw, cradling it in her palm. “You’re
playing a dangerous game. One I’m not sure you realize you’re participating in.
And it’s not just you who stands to lose everything.”

“You’re one of the last people I would have expected to get
a lecture from.”

“Because it’s what you need.”

“What I need is answers. If you can’t give me those—”

“Don’t say it. Don’t say something you’re going to regret
when you’re sober.” She reached up, holding his face firmly between her
fingers. “Alex, please listen to me. You’re hurting. I get that. Just stop
drinking. You can do this without a crutch. A crutch that could destroy you. I
know the signs, Alex. I’ve watched people I care about turn their backs on
me—choose to live their lives at the bottom of the bottle. I won’t go through
it again. I just won’t.”

“Then don’t.”

Stunned at his harsh tone she released him. He rolled away,
snagging the bottle of tequila off the coffee table and vanished into the
kitchen. The credits to the movie rolled, the cheery music the only sound in
the house. John McClane could cause a few explosions, shoot up a few bad guys
and save the world. And she couldn’t even mange to convince Alex Conners he was
destroying himself.

Yippee ki-yay, motherfucker.

* * * * *

The dulcet tones of the ringer on her cell phone awakened
Elena. She reached blindly through the dark, her eyes crusted and swollen from
hours spent crying. Feeling battered and raw, she cleared her throat as she
pushed the Answer button. “Yeah.”

“Elena? What the hell is going on?”